The Monster’s Corner: Stories Through Inhuman Eyes

JESUS AND SATAN GO JOGGING IN THE DESERT By Simon R. Green

SO, I CAME UP out of Hell, and I am here to tell you that after the Pit and the sulphur and the screams of the damned, the desert made a really nice change. Like a breath of fresh air. Don’t ask me which desert; the Holy Land was lousy with unwanted and uncared-for beachless property in those days. Just sand and rocks for as far as the eye could see, with a few lizards thrown in here and there, to break up the monotony. I allowed myself a little time out, to enjoy the peace and quiet; and then I went looking for Jesus.

He wasn’t hard to find. Anyone else would have been sheltering in the shade, away from the fierce heat of the sun. Only the Son of God would be just ambling along, caught between the heat and a hard place, just because God told him to. I followed him for a while, careful to maintain a respectful distance, wondering how best to break the ice; so to speak. He really didn’t look good. Forty days and forty nights fasting in the desert had darkened his skin, made a mess of his hair, blackened his lips, and stripped all the fat off him. Still, he strode along easily enough, back straight and head held high. He stopped suddenly.

“Well, Satan? Are you going to follow me all day, or shall we get on with it?”

He looked back at me, grinning as he saw he’d caught me off guard. Don’t ask me how he knew I was there. I nodded quickly and hurried to catch up. His face was all skin and bone, but the smile on his cracked lips was real enough, and his eyes were full of a quiet mischief. Don’t let anyone tell you the Son of God didn’t have a sense of humour. We stood for a while and looked each other over. It had been a long time …

“So,” Jesus said finally. “Satan; look at you! All dressed in white, and shining like a star!”

“Well,” I said. “I always was the most beautiful. I like what you’ve done with the loincloth. Really stresses the humility.”

“How is it that you’re out of Hell?” said Jesus. Not accusing, you’ll note, just genuinely interested.

“I’m allowed out, now and again,” I said. “When He’s got a point He wants to make. But He always keeps me on a tight leash. Sometimes I think He only lets me out so Hell will seem that much worse, when I have to go back.”

“No,” said Jesus. “That’s not how He works. Our Father is many things, but He’s not petty.”

I shrugged. “You know Him better than I do, these days. Anyway, I’ve been called up here to tempt you. To test your strength of will, for what’s to come.”

Jesus gave me a hard look. “Forty days and forty nights, boiling by day and freezing by night, and only bloody lizards for company; and that’s not enough of a test of willpower?”

I shrugged again. “Don’t look at me. I don’t make the rules. Our Father moves in mysterious ways.”

Jesus sniffed loudly. “Aren’t you supposed to be out and about, tempting mankind into sin?”

“Don’t you believe it,” I said. “They don’t need me. Most men sin like they breathe. Some of them actually get up early, just so they can fit in more sins before the end of the day. I don’t have to tempt men into falling; I have to beat them off with a stick at the Gates of Hell, just to get them to form an orderly queue.”

“Boasting again,” said Jesus. “You are a proud and arrogant creature, and the Truth is not in you. But you do tell a good tale.”

“All right, maybe I do indulge in a little tempting, now and again,” I said. “Mostly for the ones too dumb to know a good opportunity when they see one. But … Just look at the world He gave them! A paradise, a beautiful land under a magnificent sky, food and water ready to hand; all right, not here, but I think He threw in the deserts just so they’d appreciate the rest of it.”

“Even the desert is beautiful,” said Jesus. And even after forty days and nights of suffering, he could still say that, and mean it. You could tell. “It’s calm here,” he said. “Serene, peaceful, untroubled. Everything in its place. There is beauty here, for those with the eyes to see it.”

“You’re just glad to get away from all the noise,” I said knowingly. “All the voices, all the crowds and their demands, all the pressure … Go on; admit it!”

“All right, I admit it,” he said easily. “I’m only human … some of the time. I came to this world to spread my teachings, not amuse the crowds with miracles. But you have to get their attention first …”

“I have to ask,” I said. “Why do you bother? All they ever do is whine and squabble and fight over things they could just as easily share. They don’t need me … pathetic bunch of losers. I do love to see them fall; because every failed life and lost soul is just another proof that I was right about them, all along.”

Jesus looked at me sadly. “All this time, and you still don’t get it. All right; let’s get on with the temptations. What are you going to offer me first? Riches? Power? A nice new loincloth? I have all I need, and all I want.”

“I’m here to show you all the things you could have, and all the things you could be,” I said as earnestly as I knew how. “The things you’re throwing away because your vision’s so narrow.”

He was already shaking his head. “You’re talking about earthly things. Why are you doing this, Satan? You must know you won’t succeed?”

“Hey,” I said. “It’s the job. And never say never. I have to try … to make you see the light.”

“Why?” said Jesus. “So that if I fall … you won’t feel so alone?”

“Look at you,” I said, honestly angry for a moment. “You’re a mess. You could be King of the Jews, King of the World; and here you are, wandering around in the backside of nowhere, burned and blackened, and stinking so bad even the lizards won’t come anywhere near you. You’re better than this. You deserve better than this! Come on; after forty days and nights of fasting, your stomach must think your throat’s been cut. Turn some of these stones into loaves of bread and take the edge off, so we can talk properly. Enough is enough.”

“Man shall not live by bread alone,” said Jesus, “but by every word God utters. Faith will restore you, long after bread is gone.”

“Is this another of those bloody parables?” I said suspiciously.

He sighed. “I can’t help feeling one of us is missing the point here.”

I looked out across the desert. Blank and empty, hard and unyielding. “Why did you agree to come out into this awful place? You couldn’t have fasted at home?”

“Too many interruptions,” he said. “Too many distractions. Too many people wanting this and needing that. I’m out here to think, to meditate, to understand where I’m going, and why.”

I snapped my fingers, and just like that we were transported to the Holy City. Don’t ask which one; believe me when I tell you none of the cities were much to talk about, back then. I appeared both of us right at the top of the pinnacle of the temple. A long way up. And down. We both clung tightly to the pinnacle, with both hands. There was a strong wind blowing. Jesus glared at me.

“What are we doing here? How am I supposed to meditate all the way up here? Take me back to the desert!”

“Tempting first,” I said. “You want people to look up to you, don’t you? You said yourself; you have to do the miracles, to get their attention. So; throw yourself down from here. All the way down … and God will send His angels to catch you, and lower you safely to the ground. Now that would be a real showstopper of a miracle. No one would doubt you really are who you say you are, after that.”

He clung tightly to the pinnacle, with a surprising amount of dignity, carefully not looking down. The wind blew his long messy hair into his face, but he still met my gaze firmly. “You don’t put God to the test. It’s all about faith.”

“But He wouldn’t really let you get hurt; would He?”

“He doesn’t interfere directly in the world; not even for me. Because if He did, that would be the end of free will, right there and then.”

“Free will,” I said. I felt like spitting, but the wind was blowing right at me. “Wasted on mankind. But, all right, on with the tempting. We’ve got better places to be.”

Another snap of the fingers, and we were standing on the top of the highest mountain in the Holy Land. Which wasn’t much, as mountains go, but still, a nice view whichever way you looked. I had to jazz it up a bit, because I had a point to make. I gestured grandly about us.

“See! All the kingdoms of the world, laid out before you! All of this I will give to you, to do with as you wish. Protect the people, care for them, raise them up, make them worthy! I will make you King of all the World, including a whole bunch of places you don’t even know exist yet, if you’ll just bow down and worship me. Instead of Him.”

He looked out over the world for a long moment. “Can you really do that?” he said, not looking at me.

“Yes,” I said. “I have been given special dispensation, from on high. The temptation has to be real, or it wouldn’t mean anything.”

Jesus laughed quietly and turned his back on the world. “Worship God, and serve only Him. Because only He is worthy of it. What is all the world, against Heaven?”

I sighed, and nodded, and took us back to the desert. I didn’t snap my fingers. Couldn’t summon up the enthusiasm. I pulled up a rock and sat down. Jesus did have a point about the peace and quiet of the desert. He sat down on another rock, facing me.

“Is that it?”

“Pretty much,” I said. “I’ve covered all the bases He wanted covered, and got the answers He expected. I’ve got a few things of my own left to try, before I go back. But I’m starting to wonder if there’s any point.”

“You don’t have to go straight back,” said Jesus. “We can sit here and talk, if you like.”

“There are things we should talk about,” I said. “We could talk about our Father, brother.”

He looked at me consideringly. “We’re … brothers? How did that happen?”

“Brothers in every way that matters,” I said. “Think about it! He’s as much my Father as yours. I was the first thing He created; the first angel. Made perfect and most beautiful. He put me in charge of everything else He created … and then objected when I used the authority He gave me! I didn’t fall; I was pushed! I failed Him, so He’s trying again with you. Both of us created specifically of His will, to serve His purposes. Come on; you know what I’m talking about. It hasn’t been easy for either of us, has it? Living our lives in the shadow of such a demanding Father. Trying to please Him, when it isn’t always clear what He wants. He always expects so much of both of us …” I looked at him squarely. “Don’t you fail Him, Jesus; or you could end up like me.”

“You always were the dumbest one,” said Jesus. “You didn’t fail Him. You failed yourself. You weren’t punished for using your authority, but for abusing it. That’s why you had to leave Heaven. And you know very well that you can leave Hell anytime you choose; all you have to do is repent.”

“What?” I said. “Say I’m sorry? To Him? I’m not sorry! I’m not sorry because I’ve done nothing to be sorry for! I did nothing wrong! I was His first creation; He loved me first! What did He need other angels for? He had me! I did everything for Him. Everything. If He had to have other playthings, angels or humans, it was only right I should be in charge of them. I was the first. I was the oldest. I knew best!”

“No you didn’t,” said Jesus. “That’s the point. You always did miss the point. Hell isn’t eternal, and was never meant to be.”

“The guilty must be punished,” I said stiffly. “Just like me.”

“No,” Jesus said patiently. “The guilty must be redeemed. They must be made to understand the nature of their sin, so they can properly repent it. Hell is an asylum for the morally insane. God’s last attempt to get your attention. Hell was never meant to be forever. Do you really think I’d put up with a private torture chamber in the hereafter? The fires are there to burn away sin, so all the lost sheep can come home. Eventually … all Hell will be empty, its job done. And every soul will be in Heaven, where they belong.”

“I’ll never say I’m sorry,” I said, not looking at him. “He can’t make me say it. I’ll never give in, even if I’m the only one left in Hell.”

“If you were, I’d come down and stay with you,” said Jesus. “To keep you company. Until you were ready to leave.”

I looked at him then. “You really would, wouldn’t you?”

He looked at me thoughtfully. “Be honest, Satan. What would you do, if I did say yes to you? If I were to turn away from our Father; what then?”

“What couldn’t we do together?” I said, leaning forward eagerly. “We could fight to overthrow the Great Tyrant, and be free of Him! Free to do what we wanted, instead of what He wanted. Take control of our own lives! We could set the whole world free! No more laws, no more rules, no more stupid restrictions. Everyone free to do whatever they wanted, free to pursue everything they’d ever desired, or dreamed of … No more guilt, no more repressed feelings; just life, lived to the hilt! Wouldn’t that… be Heaven on Earth?”

“If there was no law, no right or wrong,” said Jesus, “how could there be Good and Evil?”

“There wouldn’t!” I said. “You see; you’re getting it! My point exactly!”

But Jesus was already shaking his head. “What about all the innocents who would suffer, at the hands of those who could only be happy by hurting others?”

“What about them?” I said. “What have the meek ever contributed? What have the weak ever done, except hold us back? Survival of the fittest! Stamp out the weak, so that generations to come will be stronger still!”

“No,” said Jesus. “I’ve never had any time for bullies. As long as one innocent suffers, I’ll be there for him.”

“Why?” I said. Honestly baffled.

“Because it’s the right thing to do.”

He still wasn’t listening to me, so I decided to try one of my own special temptations. Not one of the official ones, probably because it was a bit basic; but it hadn’t been officially excluded, so … I called up the most beautiful woman I knew and had her appear before us. Tall and wonderful, smiling and stark naked. I’ve never seen a better body; and I’ve been around. She smiled sweetly at Jesus, and he smiled cheerfully back at her.

“Hello, Lil,” he said. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it? How’s tricks?”

“Oh, you know,” said Lilith in her rich, sultry voice. “Going back and forth in the world and walking up and down in it, and sleeping with everything that breathes. Giving birth to monsters, to plague mankind. Play to your strengths, that’s what I always say.”

“You two know each other?” I said, just a bit numbly.

“Oh sure,” said Jesus. “Lilith herself; Adam’s first wife in the Garden of Eden, thrown out because she refused to accept Adam’s authority. Or, to be more exact, because she wouldn’t accept any authority over her. And we all know where that leads. You got your punishment, Satan, and Lilith got hers. And just like you, she can put down her burden and walk away the moment she’s ready to repent.”

Lilith laughed. “What makes you think it’s a burden? Come on, Jesus; how about it? You look like you could use some tender loving care. See what you’re missing! How can you really understand mankind if you don’t do as they do? Do everything they do?”

But he was already shaking his head again. “No,” said Jesus. “I made up my mind about that long ago. I can’t afford to be distracted by the pleasures of the world. I have a mission. Home and hearth, woman and children, are not for me. I have to follow my higher calling. Because so much depends on it.”

“Oh yes?” said Lilith. “And what about you and Mary Magdalene?”

He smiled. “We’re just good friends.”

Lilith laughed. “From you, I believe it.” She looked at me and shrugged, in a quite delightful way. “Sorry, Satan, I did my best; but you just can’t help some people.”

I nodded and sent her on her way. Her scent still hung around, long after she was gone. Jesus and I sat together for a while, both of us thinking our separate thoughts.

“Come on,” I said finally. “Your forty days and nights are up. Time to go back. I’ll walk along with you for a while. Just to keep you company.”

“Thank you,” he said. “I’d like that.”

So we got up and headed back to civilization, or what passed for it, back in those days.

“Sorry I had to do the whole temptation thing,” I said. “But … it’s the job.”

“That’s all right,” said Jesus. “I forgive you. That’s my job.”

I looked at him. “You know one of your own is going to betray you?”

“Yes,” said Jesus. “I’ve always known.”

“They’ll blame it on me; but it’s just him. Do you want to know who it will be?”

“No,” he said. “I’ve always known. I try so hard not to treat him any differently from the others. He means well, in his way. And I keep hoping … that I can find some way to reach him. And perhaps … save both of us. They’re good sorts, the disciples. Best friends I ever had.”

“You know how the story’s going to end,” I said roughly. “You can’t change it. Can you?”

“Perhaps,” he said. “I could be tempted … but I won’t. It’s just too important.”

“You must know what they’re going to do to you!” I said. “They’re going to nail you to a fucking cross! Like a criminal! Like an animal!”

“Yes. I know.”

“It’s not right,” I said. I was so angry, I was shaking so hard, I could barely get the words out. “It’s not right! Not you … Just say the word, Jesus, and I swear I’ll come and rescue you! I’ll take you down off that cross and kill anyone who tries to get in our way! I’d fight my way up out of Hell, to rescue you!”

“You would, wouldn’t you?” said Jesus. “But you mustn’t. I have to do this, brother.”

“But why?” I said miserably.

“To redeem mankind,” said Jesus. “Because … I have faith in them.”

We walked for a while, in quiet company.

“Come on, Jesus,” I said. “We’ll never get there at this rate.”

So we went jogging across the desert, side by side, two sons of a very demanding Father, who might have faced the world together if only things had been just a bit different.

“Come on, Satan,” said Jesus, grinning. “Put some effort into it. Go for the burn.”

I had to laugh. Typical Jesus. He always has to have the last Word.

“The Awkward Age” copyright © 2011 by David Liss

“Saint John” copyright © 2011 by Jonathan Maberry

“Rue” copyright © 2011 by Lauren Groff

“Succumb” copyright © 2011 by John McIlveen

“Torn Stitches, Shattered Glass” copyright © 2011 by WordFire, Inc.

“Rattler and the Mothman” copyright © 2011 by Sharyn McCrumb

“Big Man” copyright © 2011 by David Moody

“Rakshasi” copyright © 2011 by Kelley Armstrong

“Breeding the Demons” copyright © 2010 by Nate Kenyon. “Breeding the Demons” first appeared in When the Night Comes Down, edited by Bill Breedlove and published by Dark Arts.

“Siren Song” copyright © 2011 by Dana Stabenow

“Less of a Girl” copyright © 2011 by Chelsea Cain

“The Cruel Thief of Rosy Infants” copyright © 2011 by Tom Piccirilli

“The Screaming Room” copyright © 2011 by Sarah Pinborough

“Wicked Be” copyright © 2011 by Heather Graham

“Specimen 313” copyright © 2011 by Jeff Strand

“The Lake” copyright © 2011 by Tananarive Due

“The Other One” copyright © 2011 by Michael Marshall Smith

“And Still You Wonder Why Our First Impulse Is to Kill You: An Alphabetized Faux-Manifesto transcribed, edited, and annotated (under duress and protest)” copyright © 2011 by Gary A. Braunbeck

“Jesus and Satan Go Jogging in the Desert” copyright © 2011 by Simon R. Green