The Next Thing on My List

‘ If it’ s any consolation, I can assure you Marissa would have had better luck than me on the blind date.’

At that, Kitty tipped her head toward Martucci, who was snoring so loudly that it sounded as if trucks were downshifting on the nearby highway. ‘ So what’ s the deal with you two? You have a little thing going on?’

‘ Martucci and me? Definitely not. We’ re friends.’

‘ I think he’ s handsome,’ Kitty said. ‘ You don’ t find him handsome?’

‘ We’ re work buddies. That’ s it.’

My gaze moved to Troy. He sat on the edge of the pool, tossing a ball to a group of little kids. I tried not to drool. He looked darned yummy, and it had been so long since I’ d had so much as a bite.

‘ That’ s a shame,’ Kitty said, picking up her magazine. ‘ Call it a mother’ s intuition, but I swear there’ s romance in the air.’

AFTER CHECKING INTO the spa and changing into the white terry robes they’ d provided, Brie, Kitty, Gran, and I sat in the lounge area waiting to be called for our treatments. The room was decorated in soothing greens, and there was the scent of eucalyptus wafting through the air. It was hard to believe this was in the same building as the casino and its bright lights and chaos.

I was bathed in peace& until a man stepped into the room. I said a silent prayer that he wasn’ t assigned to me. I’ d never had a masseur before, and this one looked as if he could snap me like a twig. He had a redwood build-broad-shouldered, with his body forming a slick V at his waist. His waist-length black hair was pulled into a ponytail, and his features, while striking, seemed chiseled from granite. If I saw this guy in a dark alley, I’ d faint.

Please don’ t call my name.

‘ June Parker?’ His voice was an engine rumbling.

Figured. ‘ That’ s me,’ I said, standing and pulling my robe tight around me.

The ladies were atwitter, mumbling their approval.

‘ She hit the jackpot on this one-what a gorgeous face. Like a Greek god!’

‘ Look at those hands.’

‘ Like catcher’ s mitts.’

‘ I’ ve never seen such big hands!’

‘ And you know what they say& ‘

‘ That’ s feet they say that about.’

‘ Who cares? Anyway, with such an impressive front, I can only imagine what-’

Brie gave me a shove. ‘ Get going. We want to see him walk away.’

I waved good-bye to them. They cooed like proud mothers sending their baby girl off to lie naked on a table while a total stranger rubbed his hands over her.

He introduced himself as Runner and escorted me into a dimly lit room barely big enough for the massage table. The drill was the same as usual: He left while I stripped and lay facedown on the table underneath a blanket. When he returned after I’ d called out that I was ready, he was all business.

I wished I could have said the same for myself. Something about being naked and so near such a bastion of masculinity had me& well& thinking.

‘ Do you prefer hard or soft?’ he asked innocently enough.

‘ Hard,’ I gulped, not so innocently.

‘ Okay. Let me know if it’ s too much.’

He began massaging my back and shoulders in deep, firm strokes. I could hear him breathing as he worked. He was careful to keep me covered. I felt his hip graze against me, but it was all very clean and on the up-and-up and wholesome and, cripes, I was so horny. There was no getting around it. The candles& the soft music& a man’ s strong hands gripping me and rubbing me& his raspy grunts as he threw his weight into it. How could I not have filthy thoughts? Even though I would have been horrified if his hands actually wandered, that didn’ t mean I couldn’ t entertain the fantasy that they might.

He moved my towels around and then dug his fingers into the flesh of my thighs. It was all I could do to suppress a moan. I wondered how many women threw money at him and asked for the ‘ full service’ massage.

I wondered if he said yes.

And how much money would it take?

Not that I was interested, mind you.

Simply curious.

Runner told me to turn over onto my back, and then he covered my eyes with a cool cloth. My mind wandered, first to thoughts of work& and the list& and then to thoughts of Troy Jones swimming, the muscles on his back rippling as he dug through the water. The way he’ d smoothed the water from his hair when he’ d stepped out, completely wet, his swim trunks clinging to him.

I must have sighed at the memory, because Runner murmured, ‘ This feels good?’ His hands gripped my hips, pushing firmly up and down, which brought me back to the moment.

‘ Mmm-hmm.’

‘ Good.’

He continued, making a noise from deep in his chest from all that pushing and thrusting and grabbing. I was trying to do that thing men do to stave off arousal, think of something neutral like baseball-only I was imagining buying that new set of plates I wanted at Pottery Barn-when I sensed Runner shift so that he stood behind my head. ‘ We’ re almost finished,’ he said.

I felt his hand rest to put pressure on my right temple. Then his other hand pushed on my left temple. Then his other hand pushed firmly into the crown of my head.

His other hand?

I distinctly recalled him having only two hands when we started, so what was that pressing into my head?

Oh no-it was his penis. He was jamming his erection into me. I felt it rubbing against my hair, making firm, hard circles. I must have been sending out signals. He probably thought I was enjoying it!

I had no idea what to do. It was one thing if I’ d asked-Hey, would you mind sliding your throbbing manhood against me?-but I’ d done no such thing! Boy, if he thought he was getting the full 15 percent tip after this&

I needed to say something. Make it clear that he was out of line. Because although I was still covered by the towel, I felt naked. Exposed. How could he?

He made a noise& mmmm& yet I lay there with the cloth over my eyes, doing nothing. At the very least, I needed to slap him. Or report him!

Mustering my courage, I pulled off the cloth and opened my eyes. When I did, I realized that he wasn’ t digging his penis into me. He wasn’ t even standing behind me. He was to my side. One of his huge hands stretched across my face so he touched both temples at once.

Which left his other hand free to touch the top of my head.

‘ How was it?’ he asked warmly.

‘ Great,’ I said, trying not to blush.

Was it my fault the man had freakishly large hands? Anyone could have made the same mistake.

As I threw on my robe to join the other women before going upstairs to get ready for dinner, it occurred to me that that pent-up sexual energy had to go somewhere. And I knew exactly where.

It almost seemed unfair not to call Troy Jones and give the poor boy a running start.

Chapter 21

T his is your motorcycle?’

‘ Something wrong?’ Troy asked, handing me a helmet.

‘ Where do I sit?’

‘ Ah, I see you’ ve been spoiled.’ Then he patted the back half of what didn’ t seem to be a particularly large seat. ‘ Right here. Plenty of room.’

When Troy had offered to give me a ride on his motorcycle, I’ d told him I had riding experience. It was only a few miles to the hotel where Wayne Newton was performing. Although we could have taken a cab with Kitty and Gran, they wanted to go early for the buffet, which I chose to skip in favor of a nap and a vending machine dinner. Besides, Troy had said he was itching for a ride. As I had an itch of my own to scratch, it seemed reasonable to take him up on his offer.

That was, until now. This bike was nothing like Phyllis’ s Harley. Where was my motor home on two wheels? Where was my bucket seat? There wasn’ t even a sissy bar. One bump in the road and I’ d go flying off the back.

Troy helped me buckle my helmet, and then he climbed on the bike. I straddled behind him, leaving a reasonable distance between us. When I tried to feel the seat behind me, there wasn’ t one. My butt was hanging off the end.

Why did I have to wear these stupid shiny pants? Sure, they were cute, sort of a bronze color& and I’ d paired them with a black stretchy tank top and high heels. I was very Las Vegas-a little trashy, a little shimmery.

But I should have worn clothes with traction. Rubber. Surely I had something rubber in my closet I could have brought. I’ d bet anything that Brie did.

Troy started the engine, which sent up a panic flare to my brain. This was crazy-I was taking a cab.

I was about to jump off-tell Troy that his bike wasn’ t big enough for the both of us-when he reached back. With one arm, he gave me a firm tug so I was snug against him. Then he pulled on my arms to place them around his waist.

‘ Don’ t want to lose anybody,’ he said.

Oh.

Well, this was cozy.

We pulled out of the parking garage and onto a side road, and I thought about Phyllis’ s comment about me being a good ride. Troy leaned forward, and I leaned with him. It felt perfectly natural. There was anticipation. There was trust. There were my boobs and crotch smashed up against him and his firm muscles beneath my grasp. I couldn’ t help myself-I let my hands wander to his chest. Nothing too randy. Just enough so it could be mistaken for me getting myself adjusted.

Traffic on Las Vegas Boulevard was stop and go, but we wove through the sea of cars at traffic lights-one of the advantages of being on a motorcycle. A good thing since we’ d let ourselves get a late start.

The sun was low in the sky, and the air seemed to glow as much as the lights of the casinos we passed. My hormones buzzed. It was having Troy so close& and being kind of scared on the bike& and breathing in his scent of soap and heat& and the dense evening air& and the rumble of the bike beneath me&

Just then, a light stopped us. Troy held the weight of the bike with one leg, shifted around to face me, and started to speak: ‘ So how is the-’

But conversation wasn’ t what I had in mind. I’ d had enough of being coy. It was time to make my move.

I flipped up the bug guard on my helmet and then lifted his. Then, my hand on the back of his neck, I pulled him close in a lip-lock-or at least I tried to. Before my mouth got anywhere near his, our helmets collided.

I scowled, trying to see if I tipped my head a bit&

‘ It can’ t be done,’ he said, and he reached to unbuckle his helmet. ‘ But I have to say, I like the way you think.’

Traffic started moving around us. The SUV behind us gave a quick tap on its horn.

‘ Light’ s green,’ I said, my disappointment obvious.

‘ Mmm-hmm.’ His gaze never left me as he continued to lift off his helmet.

‘ People are honking.’

‘ Let ‘ em.’

He reached toward me, obviously intent on unbuckling my helmet.

‘ No!’ I protested, laughing. ‘ Are you crazy? The light’ s green! We’ re in the middle of the street-blocking traffic!’

Troy gave a good-natured sigh, but still he didn’ t turn around. His hand slid over my back, resting on the skin between my shirt and pants. Unable to reach my face through my helmet, he settled for gently kissing my bare shoulder. Let the kiss slide up to my neck. I felt his breath hot against me as he murmured, ‘ June& you have no idea& ‘

Oh, I had an idea all right.

If my habit was to burrow like a groundhog, at this point I’ d popped up from the hole I’ d dug. In fact, I was practically running around wild, tearing up the fields and humping people’ s legs.

But there was also the SUV inching closer behind me. And the fact that the concert was going to start soon.

‘ Seriously, we need to go.’

‘ Fine. But I feel I should warn you, I’ m a man who finishes what he starts. So that means that those gorgeous lips’ -he traced my mouth lightly with a fingertip-’ are mine.’

IT WAS FIFTEEN MINUTES to showtime when we pulled into a parking area in front of the hotel reserved for motorcycles. Troy locked the helmets to the bike, and we hurried into the casino. Although Kitty and Gran would have already picked up their tickets at the box office, I didn’ t want them to miss any of the show waiting for us.

‘ I can’ t believe I’ m rushing to see Wayne Newton,’ Troy groaned.

Kitty waved to us from near the entrance to the showroom. ‘ There you kids are! We were starting to worry. Ma’ s already inside.’ She handed us each a ticket and bustled us through a curtained doorway. As we walked, she chattered on about the buffet and the people they’ d met in line and the ‘ Waynabelia’ -that was, the Wayne Newton memorabilia-that they’ d bought at the souvenir stand.

Our table was dead center and jutted up against a divider. It wasn’ t close to the stage, but I was pleased to see that it had an unimpeded view. Kitty and Gran sat on one side of the table, and Troy and I slid in across from them. The table was covered in drinks. ‘ Thirsty, Gran?’ Troy joked.

‘ Ha, ha. We took the liberty of ordering for you,’ she said. ‘ You get two free drinks with your ticket. I got the feeling if we didn’ t order them now, we may never see a waitress again. So drink up.’

Kitty lifted a fruity drink-sans parasol, I couldn’ t help but notice-and said, ‘ A toast.’ We each grabbed a drink. I had two huge tumblers of white wine in front of me, one of which I raised as she said, ‘ To making dreams come true.’

‘ Here, here,’ Gran added, and we clinked.

Gran and Kitty thumbed through the Las Vegas souvenir books they’ d bought while I surveyed the room. Troy and I appeared to be the youngest people there. Nothing but gray and balding heads dotted the showroom-a Berber carpet of aged fans. A man in the front shook his cane along to the piped-in music.

Leaning back toward Troy, I said, ‘ I hear Wayne does a great cover of ‘ Get Jiggy with It.’ ‘

‘ Hey, speaking of that song,’ he said casually, ‘ the station’ s throwing a big concert. August seventh. Will Smith’ s going to perform. Want to come?’

‘ I’ d love it.’

‘ It’ s a date, then.’

A date!

Although August 7 was ringing a bell.

I didn’ t have time to ponder it. An announcer onstage said a hello and urged us to give a big welcome to Mr. Las Vegas himself. A cry went up in the room when the lights lit up on the stage. The crowd wriggled to attention.

It was thrilling to see Wayne Newton take command of the stage. He looked exactly as I’ d remembered him from the Hollywood Wax Museum, right down to the black hair and painted-on brows. I found myself riveted by his vocal struggling to be heard over his twelve-piece backup band. They sat in neat rows behind him-the men innocuous, the ladies overly made-up and big-breasted yet strangely wholesome. As Wayne sang and told stories about the old days of Vegas, Troy whispered things to me such as ‘ Can you believe this guy?’ ‘ This is the hokiest thing I’ ve ever been to,’ and ‘ Oh, you smell so good& .’

After singing many of his big ‘ hits,’ Wayne started in on a medley of patriotic songs. Gran leaned forward excitedly. ‘ This is going to be great. A lady we met in line told us that his version of ‘ America the Beautiful’ is a real slam-banger.’

A waitress worked her way through the tables, handing out mini-flags so we could join in the fun. Kitty and Gran each took one, waving them along to the music. I couldn’ t help but smile, particularly as I watched Kitty. Even though this had to be painful for her, she was determined to have fun in honor of her daughter.

And with that thought, another one hit me like an anvil crashing onto my head. The force it of knocked me back in my seat. Because at that moment I remembered what my plans were for August 7.

It was Deedee’ s due date. The day I was going to become a mother.

And I’ d completely forgotten.

‘ I& Oh my gosh, I& ‘

Troy asked, ‘ You okay?’

I grabbed the tumbler of wine, and chugged it back. How could I have forgotten?

The crowd was clapping now, and-confused and not wanting to draw attention to myself while I sorted my thoughts-I clapped along. I said quietly to Troy, ‘ August seventh& I just remembered. I can’ t make it. It’ s Deedee’ s due date.’

‘ Little Deedee?’

‘ Yeah.’

‘ She’ s pregnant? Jesus. I didn’ t even realize.’ After a moment he said, ‘ So you need to be there for her?’

‘ I’ m her labor coach.’ I stopped my clapping long enough to start in on the second glass of wine-I still wasn’ t feeling the first one. Then, resuming my clapping, I said, ‘ And then& after& I’ m going to adopt the baby.’

‘ You’ re going to& huh?’

‘ Adopt the baby. Deedee’ s too young to be a mom, and I’ ve always wanted a baby, so& ‘ My voice trailed off once I caught Troy’ s face. He looked as if I’ d told him a joke but he was having a problem understanding the punch line. ‘ Anyway,’ I said, ‘ that’ s the plan.’

He breathed out a laugh, although there wasn’ t much humor to it. ‘ Shit& a kid. You’ re going to have a kid in a matter of weeks. A newborn. That’ s& ‘ He rubbed the back of his neck. ‘ Wow.’

All of a sudden, I noticed he was far away from me, practically sitting at the next table.

‘ It’ s a girl,’ I said, not knowing what else to say.

He nodded, his brows furrowed. ‘ You know what’ s funny? All those times we talked on the phone setting things up. And hanging out all last night and today. You’ d think in all that time& you might have mentioned it.’

‘ I’ m mentioning it now.’

‘ That’ s nice of you.’ There was a bite to his voice I’ d never heard before.

‘ What the-Why are you angry?’

‘ Hey, I’ m not angry. It’ s great. A baby.’

The rhythmic clapping of the crowd turned into applause as Wayne wrapped up his medley and then told the crowd he was going to sing a song that was a favorite of his, by a man who loved Las Vegas as much as he did. Then he launched into Elvis’ s ‘ Can’ t Help Falling in Love.’

‘ I can’ t believe you have the nerve to be pissed off,’ I hissed. ‘ So I’ m adopting a baby. As I recall, the standard response is congratulations.’

‘ You’ re right. Excuse my lack of manners,’ he said curtly. ‘ Congratulations.’

‘ Thank you,’ I spat.

What was his deal? My head started to whirl from disappointment. Not to mention the cheap wine.

For a moment, we pretended to be engrossed in Wayne Newton, who was now coming out into the audience as he sang. Apparently, the divider that we sat next to was a ramp. Wayne walked along it, leaning down to shake hands with people as he sang. Tiny lights led his way to us.

‘ Oh, June!’ Kitty cried. ‘ He’ s coming this way. Let’ s try to shake his hand!’

Glad for the distraction, I gave Kitty a thumbs-up. I narrowed my eyes at Troy. Amazing how easily infatuation can turn to annoyance.

No matter, because the one, the only, the incomparable Wayne Newton himself stood in front of our table. In front of me.

What the hell-might as well make something of the evening. I thrust my hand toward him.

He didn’ t take it. Instead he shook his head no, only to pause and give the crowd an ‘ I can’ t help myself’ shrug. The next thing I knew, he gestured for me to stand. When I did, he planted a wet, sweaty kiss on my lips. It felt as if he were one of those snakes whose jaw can open really wide, pulling me in deeper and deeper. For a moment, I feared being swallowed whole headfirst into his gullet, until at last he released me.

The crowd cheered, and Wayne said, ‘ Thank you, beautiful lady.’

He picked up the next line of the song and moved on. I used a napkin to dry my face and wipe away the stage makeup that had rubbed off on me. It would take a shower and a few weeks to get rid of the aftershave that lingered.

‘ You’ re so lucky!’ Gran exclaimed.

I might have felt special, except that he went on to kiss pretty much every woman in the place-even climbing off the ramp to plant one on an old gal in her wheelchair.

‘ It’ s the Walk of a Hundred Kisses. He’ s famous for it,’ Kitty said. ‘ But you were first!’

‘ Good thing, too,’ Gran said. ‘ I don’ t know if I’ d want that mouth on me after seeing where it’ d been.’

Judging by Troy’ s stony expression, I was certain that was the only kiss I was going to score for the night.

Having finished my glasses of wine, I mooched the second daiquiri, which Gran hadn’ t wanted. When the show finally ended and we stood to go, the room tipped around me. I stumbled. Troy caught me, but then he couldn’ t let go of me fast enough.

Kitty and Gran chattered as we walked out. The ride home on the motorcycle sure wasn’ t going to be the snuggle-fest it was on the way here. I started to wonder if Troy was so appalled by my status as mom-to-be that he was going to tow me behind his motorcycle rather than share the seat with me.

He had other plans. Leaning close, he said, ‘ You should take the cab back with my mom and Gran. You’ re not in any shape to ride.’

‘ Fine. I didn’ t mean to disgust you with my drunkenness.’

‘ I don’ t want you to get hurt.’

Too late for that. It was clear: Once I brought up a baby, he didn’ t want anything to do with me.

I remembered back to the game of ‘ what if’ I’ d recently played with my mom, and my heart sank.

It wasn’ t fair. Troy had seemed so perfect. So maybe I hadn’ t brought up the adoption until now. He sure wasn’ t up front about being a baby hater, either. It seemed the sort of thing he might have mentioned. Hi, do you come here often? And by the way, I hate babies.

I turned on him, suddenly furious. ‘ What do you have against babies, anyway?’

‘ Come on, be fair. You have to admit this is out of left field.’

‘ Actually, it’ s not that strange. People adopt all the time.’

He paused, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. Collecting himself. Then, ignoring me, he walked over to Kitty and Gran to tell them he’ d meet up with us back at the hotel. He said it’ d be best if I rode along with them.

Before I followed the ladies out to get in line for a cab, I felt compelled to say to Troy, ‘ It’ s not as if I were asking you to be the father.’

‘ It’ s nothing against you. A baby isn’ t anything I’ m ready for right now. I mean, I’ ve been through a lot lately. Besides, you and I haven’ t even-’ And he stopped.

There was no need to finish. Kissed? Dated? Screwed? It didn’ t matter because the result was the same.

At last, I slid into acceptance. This was going to be my life from now on, I realized. I’ d better get used to it.

I WOKE TO THE SOUND of the shower running. And& ugh. My head felt stuffed with fuzz and my mouth with dust. I had to lie there for a few minutes before I could even piece together that I was in my hotel room in Las Vegas and it was morning.

How I got here, I had no idea.

Water. I needed water. Hell, I’ d even take three-dollar water. I swung my legs over the side of the bed. My stomach lurched.

Bad idea.

Maybe I didn’ t need water quite so quickly.

That was when I noticed the slacks on the floor and the man’ s shirt& and were those boxers?

Frantically, I tried to piece together how I got upstairs and-I glanced downward-dressed in a T-shirt. No bra or underwear.

The shower stopped, and I heard male humming.

Okay, June, think.

Last night. After the concert, I’ d met up with Brie and Martucci at the hotel bar. They were doing tequila shooters. Kitty and Gran had decided to call it a night. Their flight was leaving early in the morning, so they’ d thanked me and invited all of us to Marissa’ s birthday party. After they left, Troy came down wearing jeans and a leather jacket and carrying a travel bag. He gave his hotel key card to Brie-said he was going to head home so she might as well have her own room.

The last thing I could remember was Martucci challenging me to an upside-down shooter. I don’ t recall if I said good-bye to Troy. Just did a back bend over the barstool. Then I watched as he walked away, upside down, and Martucci poured the tequila in my mouth until my throat burned and my eyes watered.

Martucci.

It was all coming back. Him carting me up to the room. Pulling off my top. Me, sliding off my panties.

There was a wastebasket next to the bed. I gazed into it, wondering if I’ d see a used condom or a wrapper. It was empty. Which was either good news or bad news-either I didn’ t do anything or I did, and without protection. Right now, Martucci’ s sperm could be thundering through me, trying to create little Martuccis.

The bathroom door handle turned, and-why I suddenly felt the need to be modest I don’ t know-I pulled the sheets around me.

And out walked& Runner. My masseur. Huh.

He had a towel wrapped around his waist, his massive chest bare. His hair hung loose and wet down his back.

‘ Good morning,’ he said cheerfully.

‘ Morning.’

‘ How’ re you feeling?’

‘ Confused.’

‘ Yeah, that was one wild night.’ He picked up the shirt off the floor and tossed it on. I averted my gaze as he stepped into the boxers and then the pants. ‘ You were really out of it.’

Was it Runner who’ d undressed me? It must have been, but the memory of Martucci was so distinct. The way I’ d tugged on his rattail. But maybe it was Runner’ s ponytail. Or both of theirs. Who knew? I might have had my first one-night stand or my first orgy.

‘ Well,’ Runner said, heading for the door, ‘ Brie ought to be out of the bathtub by now. Thanks for letting me use your shower.’

Use my shower?

‘ We didn’ t sleep together, then?’ I asked.

He boomed out a laugh. ‘ I needed to shower before work. Brie was already in the tub and in no hurry to get out& or to share. She suggested I use this one.’

‘ Ah, so you and Brie& ‘

‘ Helluva woman, that friend of yours. Glad I hooked up with you guys. Whooee, you sure put back the tequila fast last night. You didn’ t even make it to midnight before you started to pass out.’

‘ Speaking of that,’ I ventured, ‘ were you the one who brought me up here?’

He shook his head. ‘ Nah, it was your friend. The Italian guy.’

I nodded, smiling, as if that were swell news.

Runner left, and I managed to shower, pack, and meet the others for the drive home, where I immediately crawled into one of the motor home’ s sleeper bunks and slept. I woke up only long enough to attempt to gag down a McSomething or other.

Martucci dropped Brie off first, then took me home, which gave me time alone with him to ask what I’ d been dreading but needed to know.

I moved to the passenger seat to sit next to him as he drove. He chewed on sunflower seeds, spitting the hulls into a bag on the dashboard.

‘ I don’ t know how to ask this, so I’ m just going to ask it,’ I said.

‘ All right.’

‘ Did we have sex?’

‘ Don’ t remember a thing, huh?’

‘ If you must know, I vividly recall you undressing me.’

‘ Ah& ‘ He sighed happily. ‘ So do I.’

‘ Very amusing. This was a tough weekend for me. I was extremely vulnerable. I can’ t believe you’ d take advantage. That you’ d-’

‘ Parker, don’ t get yourself in a twist. I was only messing with you. Nothing happened.’

‘ Oh, please. Don’ t lie.’

An image of me licking his face rose to my mind.

‘ I’ m not lying. You were totally wasted, so I brought you up to your room. And sweetheart, you were begging for it. Practically dry-humping me. You know, you really shouldn’ t go so long without sex.’

‘ And you expect me to believe you didn’ t take me up on it?’ I was skeptical and, frankly, a little insulted.

‘ You may not believe this, but I have standards.’

‘ I suppose you’ re going to tell me that you undressed me, but you didn’ t look.’

‘ Hell, yeah, I looked. But I didn’ t touch. And you know why?’

I rolled my eyes. ‘ Because you respect me.’

‘ No& because you were freaking me out. Kept licking my face. Pulling on the rattail, saying it was my source of power. That I was Samson and you were going to cut off my source of power in my sleep.’

‘ Oh.’

‘ I was afraid you’ d go after my other source of power. Pull a Lorena Bobbitt on me. I felt lucky to get out of there alive.’

‘ Sorry,’ I said, feeling sheepish.

He turned back to his driving, his face wounded. ‘ What do you have against the rattail, anyway?’

Chapter 22

I t’ s best that you found this out now,’ Susan said. ‘ You don’ t need to waste time on a man who’ s going to take forever to want kids.’

‘ August isn’ t exactly forever.’

‘ Don’ t make excuses for him,’ she said, pointing a plastic fork at me. ‘ That’ s how you wind up in these relationships that never go anywhere. You deserve better.’

It was Monday morning, and Susan had invited me out for breakfast. We ate egg sandwiches and fruit cups at the deli up the street from work while I filled her in on the details of the weekend. Most of them, anyway. I omitted the part about nearly date raping Martucci.

I’ d spent the rest of Sunday sleeping off my hangover and wishing things had gone differently with Troy. The idea of this list leading me to my true love-okay, it was corny, but I couldn’ t shake my disappointment. Troy had seemed like the sort of guy I could hang with, baby or not. It wasn’ t exactly effortless being with him-there was the matter of my feeling self-conscious over his sister-but I’ d hoped we could get past that.

‘ Maybe this baby is the best thing to ever happen to you,’ Susan said. ‘ It’ ll be a barometer. You’ ll know right away-a guy is either ready for a commitment or he’ s not. Period.’

‘ But Troy had seemed so& right,’ I moped.

‘ They’ re always perfect before you get to know them. But everybody has their flaws. I could sit here for days telling you what bugs me about Chase. But blowing you off because you’ re going to have a baby-I’ d assume that’ s a deal breaker.’

I blew out a breath. ‘ I’ d be feeling a whole lot more high and mighty if I hadn’ t forgotten the baby myself.’

‘ Oh, June. You didn’ t forget the baby. Leaving it on top of the car and driving away is forgetting the baby. Your mind was elsewhere for a while. It’ s allowed.’

‘ Did you ever?’

‘ C’ mon& pregnant with twins? I wished I could have thought of something else. Or slept, for that matter. But in your case, I can see how it would happen. It’ s not as if people are constantly coming up to you and feeling your belly.’ She chewed her lip. ‘ June, I hate to say this now. It’ s extremely bad timing. But I’ m going to say it anyway. No one-and I mean no one-would fault you if you were having second thoughts.’

‘ I’ m not having second thoughts.’

‘ Are you sure? Because if you wanted to back out, it would be fine.’

I steeled my shoulders. ‘ I’ m not backing out.’

‘ Good,’ she said, picking up her food tray and standing to leave. ‘ Because as we speak, there are thirty people gathered in my office with gifts for you. So if you’ re going to go through with it, you’ ll have a few nice things for the baby. If you might change your mind, don’ t remove any of the tags.’ We tipped our trays into the trash can. Susan added, ‘ Oh, and act surprised.’

MERYL STREEP can rest assured-her job is safe. I threw my hands to my face and squealed after they shouted, ‘ Surprise!’ but everybody figured out that Susan had clued me in.

No matter. I still scored plenty of loot.

At long last, after years of chipping in for everybody else’ s weddings and babies and buying Girl Scout cookies and magazine subscriptions by the truckload, I was getting mine.

I tore into the gifts excitedly. The biggest one was a stroller that the staff had pitched in on. And not any stroller, I was informed, but the Cadillac of strollers. I hoped it came with a driver’ s manual.

In addition to that, I got a swing, a bathtub, blankets, an ear thermometer, towels, and several tiny outfits cuter than anything I own. The gift that astounded me the most was a T-shirt with little cars and buses on it. It was so tiny. I kept holding it up, marveling that a human was going to fit in it.

Later, over cake, the questions came in a barrage. What was I naming the baby? (Um& I haven’ t decided.) Was I taking time off? (Definitely some, but how long I wasn’ t sure.) Was I going to be in the delivery room? (Probably.) Was I nervous about it? (Yes.) Would I be breast-feeding? (That was from Martucci. I didn’ t bother to reply.)

At one point, Mary Jo from the vanpool department said, ‘ This baby is being born in August, right?’

‘ Uh-huh.’

‘ This August?’

‘ Of course this August. Why would you ask that?’

‘ It’ s only that it’ s so soon, and you don’ t seem very prepared.’

‘ I’ m prepared,’ I said defensively, knowing full well she was right. I hadn’ t even given an inkling of thought to a name. Something was definitely wrong about that, but I pushed the worry away.

Eventually, people started wandering back to their offices. Susan had to rush off to a meeting. I was packing up the gifts when Phyllis showed up, apologizing that a meeting with Bigwood had gone longer than expected.

‘ This is for you.’ She thrust a wrapped box at me. ‘ I got the same thing for my grandbaby.’

I didn’ t miss the message behind her words. ‘ Your daughter got the letter,’ I said softly. ‘ You’ ve made up.’

‘ Well, we’ re not exactly sitting around holding hands and singing ‘ Kumbaya,’ but’ -her face shone as she talked-’ we’ ve been talking. Met the husband. And their kids are cute as hell. They got this wild curly hair-I don’ t know where it came from. Danny is three, and Jennifer just turned a year.’

‘ Those are pretty common names from a girl named Sunshine.’

‘ Sally,’ she corrected me. ‘ She goes by Sally now. But get this: Her husband rides a motorcycle-how’ s that for a kick in the pants? A little Honda piece of crap, but still. There’ s hope for that girl yet if she picked a husband who rides.’ Phyllis gestured to the gift. ‘ Anyway, open it.’

As I tore into the wrapping paper, Phyllis asked how the list was going.

‘ I’ m almost done. Two tasks left to go,’ I said, holding up a tiny Harley-Davidson leather jacket. ‘ Oh, Phyllis, this is so cute! Thank you.’

She nodded and then said, ‘ Which ones do you have left to do?’

‘ Find a guy named Buddy Fitch and make him pay-that’ s a tough one. I’ m stumped. I’ m spending every night on the Internet searching. The other is that I have to change someone’ s life.’

‘ That letter you wrote changed my life,’ Phyllis said. ‘ So go ahead and mark that one done.’

Shaking my head, I said, ‘ Thanks, but not a chance. I only threw words on paper. Getting back with your daughter& you did that on your own. Anyway, I’ m bringing the final adoption papers over to Deedee and her family this Saturday. I figure as soon as we sign them, it’ ll be official. Then I’ ll feel as if I can say I’ ve changed a life.’

My heart skittered as I said all that out loud.

Phyllis must have noticed because she said, ‘ There’ s nothing to be nervous about. You’ ll do a fine job.’

I sure hoped so. Little Whatever-her-name-was-going-to-be deserved the best mom possible.

DEEDEE PALED as she watched the woman writhe nude on the screen in front of us. Maybe this childbirth class was a mistake. The adoption lawyer had recommended it because it was especially for girls giving up their babies. I promised to take Deedee every Wednesday night until she went into labor. Unfortunately, seeing what she was in for in just over a month’ s time, Deedee looked more frightened than I’ ll bet I had when I’ d seen The Birds.

I did my best to comfort her. ‘ The sort of woman who’ d let her birth be filmed for the world to see is going to be the type to scream a lot,’ I whispered. ‘ And I know for a fact that you don’ t have to be completely naked.’

A girl whose name tag identified her as Janai leaned over. ‘ Yeah, and I got two words for that lady: bikini wax. I thought her bush was the kid’ s head coming out.’

Another piped up, ‘ Why is she doing it without no painkillers?’

‘ I say pass the Demerol and wake me when it’ s over,’ Janai added. ‘ And I’ m getting me a Brazilian wax before I go in. If a whole bunch of people are going to be staring at my snatch, I might as well make it pretty.’

‘ Especially if it’ ll help take the focus off my ass,’ a girl agreed woefully. ‘ I know guys like junk in the trunk, but I’ ve got a fucking dump truck going back there.’

‘ I hear that,’ someone seconded.

I could tell that Deedee wanted to participate in the exchange, but she was way out of her league. Although the other girls were teenagers, they all seemed to have more mileage on them. Still, for all their swagger-and they’ d spent the first part of the session swapping stories about deadbeat boyfriends so bad that they made Troy Jones seem like Father of the Year-there was no missing that they were scared.

The birth movie ended, and the instructor opened the floor for questions. Janai raised her hand. I expected her to ask about painkillers, which was what I would have wanted to know in her shoes. But she said, ‘ What if there’ s something wrong with the baby and they don’ t want it?’

The instructor-and there was a woman with a tough job-then facilitated a discussion about a birth mother’ s rights vs. adoptive parents’ rights. That segued into how to find a good lawyer and how drug use during pregnancy affects the baby’ s health. I whispered to Deedee, ‘ Guess you’ d better cut down on the crack cocaine, huh?’ but she either didn’ t hear me or pretended not to.

On the drive home, Deedee was as quiet as she’ d been during our first few get-togethers. I didn’ t push it. I had plenty on my mind myself.

There’ d been a moment in the film when a girl handed her baby over to an adoptive mother. The pure joy on the woman’ s face as she accepted the child should have been thrilling, but it sent a shot of panic pulsing through me. I’ ll bet anything she had remembered the due date. That she had a name picked out. That she knew the difference between a washcloth and a burp towel. Heck, she’ d probably read What to Expect cover to cover a dozen times.

Was there something wrong with me?

I had told Susan I wasn’ t having second thoughts, but what about the fact that I wasn’ t having any thoughts at all?

I’ d been counting on getting more excited as the baby’ s due date neared. Instead, fears that I might be making a huge mistake had been creeping into my consciousness. It was getting harder and harder to squelch them, but I had to. There was a little girl about to be brought into the world who needed me. I couldn’ t let her down.

When I pulled up to drop Deedee off, there was an unfamiliar car in her driveway. ‘ Looks like you have company.’

She groaned. ‘ My mom’ s fiancé.’

I was stunned. ‘ I didn’ t know your mom was getting married. You never even mentioned that she had a boyfriend.’

‘ He’ s the manager at the restaurant where she works. They’ ve been going out awhile now.’

‘ Do you like him?’

‘ They French-kiss in the living room,’ she said by way of reply, making a gagging noise.

‘ How soon are they getting married?’

She shrugged. ‘ My mom wants to do it before her thirtieth birthday for some reason. That’ s in December.’

My jaw dropped and nearly hit the steering wheel. ‘ Your mom is only twenty-nine?’

‘ Why?’ She snickered. ‘ How old did you think she was?’

‘ I don’ t know. Older than me, I guess. She’ s about to be a grandma!’

‘ No, she’ s not,’ Deedee said quietly, and she pushed on the door handle to let herself out of the car.

What could I say? She was right. My mom was about to be a grandma. As I watched Deedee walk up the steps to her house, I thought about that film again.

The whole time, my eyes had been on the arms holding the baby. It occurred to me for the first time that Deedee’ s had been most likely on the arms handing the baby away.

IT WAS TEN O’ CLOCK by the time I got home. I changed into an oversize T-shirt and my cotton robe, then hit ‘ play’ on my answering machine while I set up the coffeemaker for the morning.

There were three messages. The first was from my mom, saying that she wanted to have a baby shower for me and would a week from Saturday work?

Then it was my brother, Bob. ‘ June, are you home? Pick up if you’ re home& . No, huh? Okay, well, I’ ll try to catch you later.’ It was the first I’ d heard from him or Charlotte since the scene at my parents’ party. Bob almost never called. In fact, make that never. Even on my birthday it was Charlotte who made the call for both of them.

As soon as I heard the start of the next message, my insides flip-flopped. ‘ Hi, June, this is Troy. I’ ve been trying to call, but you’ re not an easy woman to get on the phone. I hate to leave this in a message, but here goes. I know we talked about my coming to your meeting Friday to-’

A knock on my door distracted me. Who would be here this late? I stopped the message-I didn’ t need to hear Troy rejecting me again. He’ d made it abundantly clear how he felt, and frankly, the knife twisting in my gut wasn’ t that much fun the first time around.

I hollered, ‘ Who is it?’

‘ It’ s Bob.’

My brother? Here?

I threw open the door. Bob stood there, a dimpled grin on his face, holding a duffel bag. ‘ I tried calling, but-’

‘ Come on in,’ I said, stepping aside to give him room to pass. ‘ Is Charlotte with you?’

‘ No.’ He glanced around my apartment. ‘ Nice place.’

I offered him a beer, poured myself a diet soda, and made small talk while he settled on my couch and I took a chair.

‘ So, what brings you to my neck of the woods?’ I finally asked.

‘ I’ m wondering if I can bum a spot on your couch for a few days. I’ d stay with Mom and Dad, but& ‘ He shrugged instead of finishing.

‘ Sure. You can stay here as long as you need to. I’ ve got the spare room.’

‘ The baby’ s room.’

‘ Right now it’ s the storage room, so good luck fighting your way to the bed. But yeah, I plan to decorate after this weekend. What’ s going on-you up here for work?’ His company had a Los Angeles office not far from where I worked downtown. We’ d talked about how we’ d do lunch when he was up here, but we’ d never actually gotten around to it.

‘ Yes. No.’ He slumped back on the couch. ‘ What I mean is that I can work out of the L.A. office, but that’ s not why I’ m here. Charlotte and I& we need a break.’

‘ You’ re not splitting, are you?’ That would be impossible. I knew how he adored her.

To my relief he said, ‘ Not even close. But I can’ t listen to her carrying on about this adoption thing anymore. I need breathing room.’

Now it was my turn to slump. ‘ This is my fault.’

Instead of assuring me that wasn’ t the case, Bob chuckled in agreement. ‘ Finding out you were adopting a baby did send her off the deep end. We haven’ t talked about anything else for the past week and a half. She wakes me up to carry on about it. I’ m desperate for sleep.’

Part of me felt bad for him, but I also thought he’ d brought this on himself by being so stubborn. I was probably overstepping my bounds, but I said, ‘ Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?’

‘ It doesn’ t have anything to do with my sperm count, does it?’

‘ No, but I’ m curious: Why are you so opposed to adoption? I mean, just because a baby doesn’ t have your genes doesn’ t mean you couldn’ t love it.’

Bob looked sucker punched. ‘ You don’ t think I know that? June, I’ m not the one who’ s against adoption. Charlotte is. I’ d give my left nut for a kid. Any kid.’

‘ Charlotte?’

‘ She’ s got it in her head that having a baby of our own is the only way to go,’ Bob explained. ‘ And I understand where she’ s coming from. She didn’ t even know her own dad-she wants to guarantee that I feel bonded. But I don’ t give a crap at this point. Between her medical problems and mine, we’ ve had a dozen doctors tell us our chances to conceive are slim to none. Most use the term miracle when they’ re talking odds. I’ m sick of the hormones and the thermometers. Hell, I’ m getting sick of having sex.’

‘ I find that hard to believe.’

He smiled. ‘ Okay, maybe I’ m sick of sex on a schedule. Anyway, as soon as Charlotte heard you were going to become a mother, she freaked. She’ s on my ass about another round of in vitro, more tests& and I’ m done. She doesn’ t want to hear it, but she needs to. I’ m fucking done.’

‘ Well, for the record, I hope you work it out,’ I said. ‘ You’ d be an awesome dad.’

‘ Thanks.’ He swigged down the last of his beer. ‘ And I enjoyed your letter, by the way. I always knew you worshipped your big bro.’

As I helped him make up the bed in the spare room, I saw his gaze fall on the baby gifts from the shower, which I had stacked in there. ‘ Sorry about all this junk,’ I said, wishing I’ d had him sleep on the couch, where at least he wouldn’ t be surrounded by what he deserved but for some freak reason I was getting instead.

Chapter 23

I shook my brother awake at three a.m.

‘ What the& ?’ he grumbled. I clicked on the overhead light, and he shielded his eyes in protest.

‘ You should adopt the baby,’ I said excitedly. Everything in me felt buzzy. I hadn’ t slept at all.

‘ No shit. Haven’ t we already had this discussion? Yes, I hope to adopt a baby. Now turn the light off and let me go back to sleep.’

‘ You don’ t understand. Not any baby. My baby& that is, I mean Deedee’ s baby. I think she’ ll go for it. You’ re my family, so that’ s practically the same as me. You’ d be a great dad. And I realize that Charlotte doesn’ t want to adopt, but if we explain to her that this isn’ t some distant dream-that it’ s a real baby due in a month-maybe she’ d change her mind.’

Bob sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes awake. ‘ Slow down. You’ ve lost me here. Why would you want us to adopt your baby?’

I sat on the edge of the bed. ‘ Because somebody needs to, and I can’ t do it.’ The words fell like bricks around me.

‘ You can’ t do it?’

I shook my head. ‘ Or I shouldn’ t, anyway.’

‘ Why?’

‘ I’ ve been trying to come up with the answer to that question myself. I guess that I wanted to change somebody’ s life so badly that I convinced myself that my biological clock was ticking. I don’ t know& now I’ m wondering if it was just gas.’ I gave a halfhearted smile. ‘ Instead of getting excited as the due date gets closer, I’ m more and more certain it’ s the biggest mistake of my life.’

‘ You’ re scared. I’ ll bet everybody feels that way.’

‘ If you were about to get a baby, is that how you’ d feel? Scared?’

‘ Sure. A little.’

‘ But mostly you’ d be thrilled, right?’

‘ Yeah.’

‘ I’ m not. Not at all. I’ m either pretending it’ s not going to happen, or I’ m giving myself a pep talk. Trying to convince myself it’ s going to be all right. That I’ ll be fine once the baby shows up. But then tonight when I heard you talk about everything you’ ve been through to have a baby, I couldn’ t pretend anymore. I’ m not ready to be a mom. At least not on my own. Not this way.’

Ever since I’ d said good night to Bob a few hours before, my mind had been reeling. The growing feeling of unease that had started when I forgot Deedee’ s due date couldn’ t be ignored anymore. This wasn’ t a task that I was crossing off a list. It was a baby-a soon-to-be living, breathing baby. I’ d been preparing to grit my teeth and go through with the adoption. Suddenly I realized how wrong it would be. Sure, I’ d be a better parent than a fourteen-year-old girl, but not much better. Yet I couldn’ t leave Deedee in the lurch with only a month to go. She’ d made plans with her life. Walking into her house on Saturday and saying, ‘ I’ ve changed my mind,’ was unthinkable. But telling her I’ d found a better situation-a couple who I knew for certain would give her baby girl everything she deserved to have-that I could do.

‘ You’ re serious about this,’ Bob said.

‘ As a heart attack.’

A smile crept across his face. ‘ You know, Charlotte might go for this. The thought that there’ s a baby who needs her-one who’ d otherwise be stuck with a mom who’ s only doing it because she said she would, not because she has any real interest.’

‘ I’ m not that bad,’ I said defensively.

‘ Whatever. What I’ m saying is, I couldn’ t come up with any other way to convince Charlotte to adopt, but this might work. She was good and pissed that you were getting a baby. She kept talking about how she would be so much better a mother to that baby than you could ever be. How it deserved two parents, not one who can barely manage to keep a plant alive, much less a child. This would be her chance to prove it.’

I was half about to rescind my offer, insulted as I was, when I realized my brother was already dialing his cell phone.

‘ Sugarplum, it’ s me& . I’ m fine& . Yes, I know I suck for taking off and it’ s the middle of the night, but listen& ‘ And he went on to propose the idea. He’ d been right-it didn’ t take a great deal of arm-twisting to get Charlotte to agree with this new plan. In fact, when he said the baby was due in a month, I could hear her squeal through the phone.

Over the next half hour on the phone, we made arrangements for Bob to go back to San Diego and pick up Charlotte, who was already saying she’ d be willing to relocate to Los Angeles if that’ s what it took. They’ d come up Saturday morning and go to Deedee’ s with me. She’ d have a chance to meet them, and if all went well, we could arrange to switch over the adoption papers right there. I could practically hear Charlotte decorating the nursery as we spoke, and I’ d be willing to bet anything she had names picked out.

Before he hung up, Bob said quietly, ‘ Char, it’ s so incredible. After all the waiting, this could be it.’

FRIDAY AFTERNOON, Martucci came into my office with a box of Matchbox cars left over from a promotion we’ d run last year. ‘ What did you want these for?’

‘ Just in the nick of time! They’ re for my meeting with Bigwood at three o’ clock.’ As I grabbed the box, I looked at him and said, ‘ Hey, there’ s something different about you. What is it?’

‘ That’ s perfect the way you said that. Bigwood will eat it up. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, you know.’

‘ I mean it! You look different.’

He shrugged me off. ‘ So tell me why you wanted these cars.’

I showed him the four-by-six-foot 3-D freeway map I’ d spent most of the morning making. I was especially pleased with the way my clay foothills had turned out.

Martucci grimaced. ‘ Your fifth-grade science project?’

‘ It’ s so I can demonstrate the freeway race. See, I’ ll take the cars and go vroom-vroom like this’ -I took two toy cars and set them on my model-’ and the one in the carpool lane will win.’

Martucci was silent, which had me worried. He wasn’ t one to hold back.

‘ What?’

‘ Nothing.’

‘ Tell me.’

‘ All right. That is the stupidest thing I’ ve ever seen.’

Slumping, I groaned, ‘ It’ s the best I could do. Troy Jones was supposed to help me do a live race on real freeways, but he bailed.’

‘ Why didn’ t you ask me to do it?’

Good question. Why hadn’ t I asked? Maybe it was because he didn’ t have a spiffy race outfit like Troy said he’ d wear.

‘ Oh, it would be wonderful if you could-’

‘ Too late. I didn’ t drive in today, and the motor home’ s off getting washed.’

‘ Then I’ m back to the science project.’ I sighed. ‘ Because I’ m sure not going to stand there and talk about my idea.’

‘ Why not?’

‘ Phyllis told me that I had to wow Bigwood. She said that’ s what he expects-wowing.’

‘ I agree, but a race is a race. You can describe it in a sentence-only a moron wouldn’ t get it. You’ re missing the point. A race isn’ t what you’ re selling Bigwood.’

‘ Oh yeah? What am I selling?’

Martucci crossed his arms and leaned on the edge of my desk. ‘ You.’

‘ Then I’ m doomed.’ When he rolled his eyes at me, I said, ‘ I’ m serious. I already tried that before-I wrote a big proposal with all kinds of ideas saying why I was so great, and he gave my job to Lizbeth.’

‘ I doubt Bigwood ever read your proposal. Even if he did-and don’ t take this the wrong way-I don’ t blame him for skipping you over before.’

‘ Thanks a lot!’

‘ It’ s true. Frankly, you didn’ t seem that excited about anything-like you were just going through the motions. I always got the impression that you were only here because you didn’ t have anywhere else to go.’

‘ Well, that’ s not how I felt. You didn’ t know me.’

‘ Except for Susan, I don’ t think anybody knew you.’

It was hard to have a comeback for that.

‘ So what you need to do,’ he continued, ‘ is make Bigwood aware that June Parker is a force to be reckoned with. That you’ ve got a track record. You’ ve got ideas. You’ ve got balls.’

‘ I don’ t know if I can do that.’

He slapped my arm. ‘ Sure you can. Take him out for drinks-he’ s a bourbon man, by the way. Show him the clips of your interviews from the gas giveaway.’

‘ You want me to remind him about that fiasco?’

‘ I want you to show him that you’ re cool under pressure.’

‘ Well,’ I hedged, ‘ I guess I could get the interview files from Brie. And she has a portable DVD player. I could pack it up and take Bigwood to the Brass Monkey.’

‘ That’ s the spirit. And whatever you do, don’ t let him pick up the check, however hard he tries. Wrestle him to the floor if you have to. Paying is a sign of dominance.’

‘ Got it.’

‘ Good. But out of curiosity, why is this promotion such a big deal to you now? I’ d figure with you about to be on the mommy track, you’ d be laying low.’

‘ For one thing, you’ re being sexist,’ I admonished. ‘ A woman can have both a career and a family. Secondly’ -I picked an imaginary piece of lint off my shirt so I didn’ t have to meet his eyes-’ I’ m not going to adopt the baby after all.’

‘ Sorry, I didn’ t realize. Something go wrong?’

‘ Only that I changed my mind.’

‘ Then it’ s a good thing, right? You can go back to your wild single ways.’

‘ Yeah, well, as far as that goes, the rumor that I was going to be a mom scared off my major prospect,’ I said glumly. When Martucci looked at me confused, I said, ‘ Troy. As soon as I told him that I was going to adopt a baby, he took off.’

‘ Ah. I see.’

‘ It’ s so frustrating. I felt as if the list were helping me figure out my life. I thought, Aha! It’ s a relationship and kids that have been missing. But it must not be those things-otherwise I wouldn’ t have let my chance for them get away.’

‘ Come on. There are plenty more chances.’

‘ I suppose, but I’ m still bummed. Deep down, I’ d hoped the list would have a bigger impact& that it would help me identify what I truly wanted.’

‘ At least maybe you’ ll realize what you deserve.’

‘ Such as& ?’

‘ Sure as hell more than a guy who’ d bolt the second you brought up the idea of a baby.’

‘ Yeah, Susan said pretty much the same thing.’

‘ She’ s right. You deserve better& somebody who gets you for who you are-whether you have a kid or not. Or a dozen kids, for that matter. Believe me, some men would find it very sexy all that you’ ve been taking on.’

‘ Aw, garsh, Martucci,’ I said. Laughing, I grabbed him in a hug. As his arms closed around me, I glanced over his shoulder, and-knock me over with a feather-who should be standing in the opening of my cubicle but Troy.

‘ Hey, June,’ he said, holding up his hand hesitantly in a wave. He was dressed in a racing jacket over a shirt and tie.

I pulled away from Martucci, flummoxed. What was Troy doing here?

‘ I-I thought you couldn’ t make it,’ I sputtered.

‘ You didn’ t get my message?’

He and Martucci shook hands hello while I tried to dredge up the memory of Troy’ s phone call. I’ d been listening to it when my brother showed up at the door. It had seemed so obvious that Troy was canceling, I’ d never bothered to play the whole thing.

‘ It got cut off,’ I said, aiming as close to the truth as I dared to get. ‘ So& what did it say?’

‘ That I’ d be here today unless you called to let me know you didn’ t want me to come. And also’ -he glanced self-consciously at Martucci-’ I tried to explain why I left Vegas so fast.’

‘ Oh.’

Did Troy just say there was an explanation for his hasty retreat-or was that the sound of the two sides of my brain opening and clapping shut?

Martucci, hands in his pockets, ambled away toward the hallway, pausing by my cubicle opening. ‘ Well, Parker, guess you’ re back to plan A. Good luck.’

I glanced at my watch. Fifteen minutes to go until my meeting. The race would certainly be flashy-especially with Troy looking every bit the pro-but Martucci’ s words rang in my mind. What was I going for? Did I want to sell Bigwood on the idea of a race& or did I have the guts to pitch myself?

Turning to Troy, I said, ‘ I feel bad making you come all this way, but I’ ve decided on a different plan.’

‘ No race, then?’

I shook my head.

‘ Oh& okay. Not a problem. But‘ Again I saw his eyes shift toward Martucci. ‘ If you’ ve got a second, I’ d like to talk about& a few things& .’

I wanted to hear what he had to say, but not with minutes to go before my presentation. I needed to find Brie and burn the files of my interviews onto a disc. I needed to eat something bready if I was going to be drinking bourbon. After that, without anyone watching, I could scurry home and play the message to find out what Troy’ s reason was for letting me down. Maybe it was a valid one-and if it was, well, then who knew?

‘ I wish I could,’ I said, ‘ but right now I’ ve got to run.’

‘ I’ ll let you go, then,’ Troy said, and it seemed he wasn’ t surprised by my reaction. Even though he was standing there in his race regalia, he looked as though he’ d expected it. He added worriedly, ‘ You still coming to the party on Tuesday?’

‘ Wouldn’ t miss it,’ I assured him. ‘ Martucci’ s coming, too& and Brie& and a few other friends who’ ve been helping me with the list. Your mom said for me to invite as many people as I wanted, so I invited.’

He laughed then and said, ‘ Sounds good. She keeps calling it a little get-together, but it gets bigger every time I turn around. Pretty soon we’ re going to have to rent the Convention Center.’

After Troy left, I handed Martucci his box of cars back. ‘ Okay, I’ m facing Bigwood on my own,’ I said. ‘ You’ d better be right about this.’

‘ When are you going to accept the fact that I’ m always right?’

TWO HOURS AND three bourbons later, I tottered back into the office. Most everyone had left for the weekend. I stopped by Susan’ s office, getting there as she was about to switch off her lights and leave. ‘ I was worried I was going to miss you!’ she exclaimed. ‘ Sooooooo? How’ d it go?’

‘ Let’ s just say that I astounded even myself.’

I must have slurred, because she smiled. ‘ He talked you into the third drink, huh?’

‘ Yes, not that it matters. I already had him eating out of my hand by that point.’

‘ I’ ll bet you did. Is the job yours?’

‘ He says he’ s restructuring, so the job as it was doesn’ t exist anymore, but he’ s definitely promoting me. He loved the race idea& although’ -I reminded myself to give Martucci a piece of my mind later-’ it took him a while to get what I was talking about. He said he wished he had a visual.’ Fifth-grade science project indeed.

‘ Well, congratulations! I’ d offer to take you out for a celebratory drink, but I’ ve got to pick the kids up-I’ m already running late. You rode the bus in today, didn’ t you? You want a ride home?’

‘ No, thanks.’

‘ You sure? We could do dinner at my house if you don’ t mind Burger King-I promised the boys.’

‘ I’ m sure. All I want to do is go home and veg out. This past week has been insane, and Bob and Charlotte are going to be at my place at nine o’ clock tomorrow to go over a few last-minute things before we see Deedee.’

‘ That’ s right. Oh, June, it’ s so incredible that things are working out this way.’

‘ It’ s not a done deal yet,’ I reminded her. ‘ Deedee still has to say yes.’

‘ She will.’

After promising Susan that I’ d call if I needed anything, I went straight to Martucci’ s office. I was barely in the door when he said, ‘ Hmm, I forgot to warn you that he’ d try to talk you into a third drink.’

Okay, I hadn’ t even spoken yet, so I figured I must really reek of alcohol. ‘ Aren’ t you going to ask how it went?’

‘ With that kittenish smile you’ re giving me? I’ m afraid you’ re about to tell me he made you my boss.’

‘ We’ ll have to see. He’ s moving things around, but I’ m definitely management.’

‘ And you came to say you owe it all to me.’

‘ I did want to say thanks. I’ d give you another hug, but you know how I am once I have a few drinks. I might go after the rattail again.’

With that, he shot me a grin and turned slightly, rubbing the back of his neck. It was neatly trimmed. Not a hairy tadpole in sight.

‘ It’ s gone!’ I cried. ‘ I knew there was something different about you. What made you do it?’

‘ Just decided it was time.’

I didn’ t mention that he was about twenty years off. ‘ Well, it suits you.’

‘ Glad you think so.’

I needed to make a dash for it if I was going to make the five-fifteen bus, but I knew I hadn’ t thanked Martucci for everything yet. I at least owed him that. ‘ By the way,’ I said, feeling shy suddenly. ‘ Thanks for the other night. You could have so easily taken advantage. You were serious, weren’ t you? I mean, that nothing happened?’

He tipped back in his chair. ‘ Doll, if you ever got a piece of me, I don’ t care how much you had to drink-you wouldn’ t forget it.’

Chapter 24

I listened to the message Troy left on my machine five times before I so much as kicked off my shoes.

The first time around, I’ d heard enough to conclude he was canceling. And when he told me at the office that he’ d tried to explain why he’ d left Las Vegas so abruptly, I assumed it’ d be a cheesy excuse along the lines of ‘ Something suddenly came up.’

The last thing I expected was what he actually said.

I hit ‘ play’ again.

‘ Hi, June, this is Troy. I’ ve been trying to call, but you’ re not an easy woman to get on the phone. I hate to leave this in a message, but here goes. I know we talked about my coming to your meeting Friday to help with your race, and I’ d understand if you don’ t want me to. I still plan to be there. Three o’ clock. It’ s in my book. Give me a call if you don’ t want me to show, okay?

‘ And, shoot, how do I say this? You’ re probably wondering why I took off so fast Saturday night. I wanted to make sure you know that it’ s nothing you said or did. It’ s just that& and this is going to sound crazy& but all of a sudden it seemed so wrong that we were sitting there, listening to music, having fun, and making plans, and, with you about to adopt a baby, life was marching forward. I don’ t know why, but it pissed me off. It’ s not rational, but that’ s what it was. I guess my mom cries to deal with stuff. I punch holes through doors and drive too fast and say shitty things to nice girls. So I’ m sorry about that. Anyway, I guess I’ m more messed up about my sister’ s accident than I thought I was. I wish I met you because, I don’ t know, we bumped grocery carts or something. I know I’ m rambling, but I wouldn’ t feel right if I didn’ t let you know that I think you’ re great, and if circumstances were-’

Beep.

My machine cut him off, and even though I hadn’ t correctly filled in the blanks of his message before, I felt I could reliably do so at this point: that if circumstances were different, we could have something together. But they aren’ t. So we can’ t.

I felt strangely at peace with it.

It wasn’ t as if he’ d dumped me at the altar. We hadn’ t-as Troy had once stopped short of saying-so much as kissed/dated/screwed.

So perhaps the real question, I pondered as I finally got around to changing into sweats and slippers and making myself a cup of tea, was not so much why I didn’ t feel emotionally wrenched, but why I’ d had my hopes up in the first place.

Sure, he was cute, but plenty of guys are cute. Heck, now that Martucci lost that disgusting rattail, one could say that even he& Nah. I erased the thought. Martucci would never be cute. Bunnies are cute. He’ d be more likely compared with a creature that might eat bunnies. Anyway, the point was that a pretty face could take a guy only so far in my affections. It had to have been more than that with Troy.

When I’ d run into him at the cemetery those many months ago, I’ d been wallowing in depression. Doing the list had given me purpose. In a convoluted way, I had him to thank for it, even if he had no idea he’ d been the impetus. It was that look he’ d given me when I’ d told him I was going to complete the list for his sister. In a glance, he erased my mundane past. The reflection I saw of myself in Troy’ s eyes was like staring in a funhouse mirror that made me appear braver and bolder than I was. Even if I knew it wasn’ t real, I couldn’ t tear my gaze away from it.

As of tomorrow, however, I wasn’ t going to need the illusion anymore. I was going to make something happen that just a few months ago would have seemed inconceivable. I was going to change the lives of so many people at once. My brother and Charlotte would get the baby they’ d always dreamed of. A baby would have a good home. Deedee would be able to go on with her studies and attend college. And Troy, Kitty, and the entire Jones family would know that the item on the list that most spoke to them about their beloved Marissa-Change someone’ s life-had been completed with such grace.

The paperwork for the adoption sat on my coffee table. My brother and Charlotte would arrive in the morning. We’ d head over to Deedee’ s-I’ d already called to mention I needed to go over a few things.

I absently stirred sugar into my tea. The baby was going to be a girl. Maybe they’ d name her June.

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR to Deedee’ s house, I tried not to let myself think about how much I had riding on this moment. Next to me, I could smell the newness of Charlotte’ s dress and hear my brother hum under his breath to calm himself.

I’ d mentally rehearsed my lines on the drive over. I’ d tell Deedee how important it was for her baby to have everything, and while I had thought I was the one who could provide it, I’ d been wrong. The baby deserved two parents. I’ d remind Deedee of how she didn’ t want her baby to go to strangers, and she wouldn’ t have to. This was my family. I could vouch for the sort of parents they’ d be. Loving. Attentive. Eager.

A man answered the door, introducing himself as Javier, Deedee’ s mother’ s fiancé. Even in the blazing July heat he wore a skullcap, but he had a wide smile and bug eyes that gave him such a jolliness, I found myself smiling back at him. ‘ The girls will be here in a minute,’ he said. ‘ Have a seat.’

I made introductions, and when Maria and Deedee showed up, I made them again. Deedee sat next to her mother and Javier on the couch. Her usual oversize jersey was replaced with a tank top, which showed off her belly to full effect. Charlotte took the easy chair, and kitchen chairs were brought in to accommodate Bob and me.

‘ You have a lovely home,’ Charlotte said to Maria.

Javier translated, and Maria said, ‘ Gracias.’

Small talk wasn’ t going to be simple with Charlotte and me unable to speak Spanish-although Bob was fluent-so I figured I’ d get to the point.

‘ Before we sign the adoption contract,’ I said, ‘ there are things we need to discuss.’

Javier started talking to Maria in Spanish-I assumed to translate, but he kept going on and on. She said something back. They seemed to be in the midst of a full-on debate. Bob could understand what they were saying, however, which was why I was frightened when he buried his face in his hands and mumbled, ‘ Oh Christ. This is bad.’

‘ What’ s going on?’ I whispered. Javier and Maria kept talking as if we weren’ t there. Deedee stared at the carpet.

Bob wiped his hands down his face and breathed out a sigh. ‘ I need to get Charlotte out of here,’ he said, so quietly that I wasn’ t sure I’ d even heard him correctly. Then he spoke aloud in Spanish. Javier and Maria stopped their conversation, looking up as guiltily as if they’ d been caught French-kissing on the couch. Bob grabbed Charlotte’ s hand-her confusion evident-and said, ‘ We’ ll wait outside.’

I really started to worry when he kissed the side of my head before leaving. Whatever they were discussing, it had to be bad.

When the door banged behind them, I finally asked, ‘ What’ s going on?’

Javier cleared his throat before speaking. ‘ We want to thank you for coming here today,’ he said, his voice stiff and rehearsed. ‘ We’ re grateful that you were willing to adopt Deedee’ s baby, but we want to tell you that that won’ t be necessary.’

Not necessary? I tried without success to catch Deedee’ s eyes.

He continued, ‘ Maria has agreed to be my wife. We’ ll be starting a life together, and a family. We’ ve talked about it, and we want to start that family by raising Deedee’ s baby as our own.’

My speech about the importance of two parents and family dried on my tongue. I felt myself shriveling as well, as if my physical size were trying to match the insignificance I felt inside.

They were keeping the baby.

I wasn’ t needed.

Bob and Charlotte weren’ t needed.

‘ Deedee,’ I managed to say, ‘ is this what you want?’

She nodded, still not lifting her eyes.

‘ She’ ll be able to stay in school,’ Javier said. ‘ We’ ll need help at home, but it will be as a big sister. Not as a mother.’

So much for changing someone’ s life. I hadn’ t made a difference at all. Despite my efforts, Deedee’ s life was progressing exactly as it would have had she never met me.

My brother and his wife, however, were worse off because of my meddling. I’ d marched them to the top of the mountain and shown them what they could have: a new life, a baby in their arms. The family they’ d been dreaming of. Then I’ d unceremoniously marched them back down, empty-handed.

Yet a tiny flame of hope flickered. Deedee would at least need me for the labor room. Her mom could hardly handle the job, being blind and speaking only Spanish. ‘ I’ ll see you Wednesday night for the childbirth class. Right?’

‘ I’ m dropping out of the class,’ Deedee mumbled, the first words she’ d spoken since I’ d arrived. ‘ Since I’ m not giving the baby away, I can’ t go no more.’ Then she corrected herself like the A student I knew her to be: ‘ Anymore.’

‘ But you still need to know what to do during labor.’

She cleared her throat. ‘ Rose at Big Sisters found me another class. It’ s bilingual, so my mom can go with me. It’ s on Saturdays, though, so& ‘

I finished for her, ‘ So you can’ t do anything with me anymore.’

The last drops of hope drained away. It was over.

We fell silent. It wasn’ t one of those comfortable silences that people talk about-it commanded our attention like a precocious child. At last, I stood to leave. What else was there to say? Deedee’ s baby deserved two parents and a family, and that’ s exactly what it was going to get. After offering limp congratulations, I headed for the door.

‘ Don’ t hate me.’ Deedee uttered the words so softly, I barely heard her. I made my way out to the blazing July afternoon, where I could see Bob and Charlotte wilting in their car.

I climbed into the backseat. ‘ I can’ t tell you how sorry I am.’

‘ You made it clear there were no guarantees,’ Bob said. ‘ We took a shot. It didn’ t work out.’

Charlotte, her voice trembling, added, ‘ I’ ve heard about situations like this. How the birth mother changes her mind. It happens all the time.’

Instead of comforting me, her words sent my emotions plummeting. Thanks to me, she’ d witnessed firsthand how very wrong things could go.

They left for San Diego as soon as they dropped me back at my apartment. I headed straight for my couch and sat there, stunned.

Why had I been foolish enough to believe that I could do the list? While I was at it, why didn’ t I try out for the Olympic figure-skating team? Or attempt to climb Mt. Everest in my flip-flops? Disappointing as it was, it was time to face the truth: Completing Marissa’ s list was beyond my grasp. I couldn’ t do the one task that really counted. I still hadn’ t even found Buddy Fitch. So I’ d gone without a bra for a day. Thrown away a scale. Big deal. I’ d thought I could step into another woman’ s dreams and somehow be infused with her lust for life. All that happened was that I’ d fallen short, as always.

The phone rang on and off all Saturday and into Sunday, and I let the machine pick up. I’ d call them back eventually. In the meantime, it was all I could stomach to hear messages from Susan and my mom and Susan again and Susan four more times, sounding grotesquely chipper and eager to talk to me so they could hear the good news.

ON MONDAY, I could tell word of what had happened had made its way through the office quickly, and at first people stopped by to offer their support. Upon seeing how badly I didn’ t want to talk about it, they rallied around by leaving me the hell alone. Now those are friends. Susan even called Sebastian for me and let him know he could call off any last-ditch efforts to find Buddy Fitch.

I threw myself into work, the easiest way to push out the thoughts churning in my head. And there was plenty to do. Even though Bigwood said I wasn’ t getting Lizbeth’ s old job, he certainly had been saving plenty of her aborted projects to dump on me. Still, even he must have sensed something was awry, because even though I’ d become the walking dead, he never once asked what was different about me.

As Troy had put it, time kept marching forward, no matter how much I wanted to curl into a ball and hide. I managed to keep myself more or less distracted all the way to the dreaded Tuesday evening when-with Marissa’ s birthday party due to start in a half hour-Susan and Brie came to find me in my cubicle.

‘ We’ re heading out now. You want to carpool with us?’ Brie asked.

‘ There are a few things I need to do first. I’ m taking the bus.’

Susan looked at me skeptically. ‘ You’ re not going to blow it off, are you? I’ m prepared to drag you to the party if need be. Those people are counting on you. Nobody’ s going to care that you didn’ t finish the list.’

‘ I promise, I’ ll be there. The 440 bus heads straight down Wilshire. It won’ t take me any time at all. In the meantime, you guys go represent.’

‘ Represent,’ Brie muttered. ‘ Will you people never quit stealing our slang?’

Turning to leave, Susan said, ‘ We’ ll save you a seat.’

‘ Near the back, please,’ I replied, my voice pleading.

I’ d go to the party all right, but I was aiming for fashionably late and as low-profile as possible. If I didn’ t have a chance to talk to anyone, maybe they’ d assume I’ d finished the list. The thought of lying also occurred to me-and if it hadn’ t been for a vague unease about being struck down by lightning, that’ s exactly what I would have done.

Besides, it wasn’ t over yet. Earlier in the day, I had remembered one of Martucci’ s ideas. He’ d said that if the adoption fell through, I could try to change people’ s lives by handing out lottery tickets. If one hit, then I’ d certainly changed a life.

It was pitiful, but I was going to do it anyway.

After I was sure the others had left, I snuck down to the liquor store and bought a hundred Lotto scratchers. One by one, I stopped people on the street and asked them to scratch off the ticket on the spot-and if you ever want to know about the lack of trust in our society these days, try offering something for free.

So I wouldn’ t be too late, I started handing out a few at a time. By seven o’ clock when the party was officially under way, I’ d had only two winners: ten dollars and sixty dollars. The ten-dollar winner said, ‘ Hey, thanks, this ought to be good for a couple packs of smokes,’ and the sixty-dollar winner was excited, but-as her engagement ring looked as if it had cost about sixty thousand-I doubted that it would be exactly life-changing.

Clutching the last ticket, I headed to my bus stop. There was a woman standing there in filthy clothes and missing several teeth-precisely what I’ d been hoping for. Even if she won a small amount, it could be enough to have an impact.

‘ Hi,’ I chirped. ‘ I’ ve got this lottery ticket to give you.’

She sneered at me. ‘ What for? Is this a trick?’

‘ No. Here-’ And I handed it over. She started to tuck it in her cleavage, and I said, ‘ Please scratch it off now. I need to see if it’ s a winner.’

‘ I ain’ t got a coin.’

I dug through my purse and handed her a nickel.

‘ Quarters work better,’ she said slyly.

I kept digging until I found a quarter, then held my breath as she scratched off the card.

Nothing.

Disappointment rose like bile. I must’ ve looked stricken, because she said, ‘ Girlie, it ain’ t no big deal.’

‘ I know. But if it’ d been a winner, maybe it would have made a difference in your life. I’ d like to have done that.’

‘ You want to make a difference in my life?’

‘ Desperately.’

She gave me a slow once-over. ‘ Them shoes of yours look comfy. Mine pinch my feet something awful. I’ ll bet anything if you gave me them shoes, that’ d make a big difference.’

My shoes? I was about to scoff when I thought, What the heck. I slipped off my shoes, a hundred-and-twenty-dollar pair I’ d recently splurged on at Macy’ s.

She took them, and without a thank-you or so much as a word otherwise, she left. I stood at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive. Maybe tomorrow, after a night’ s sleep, I could come up with another way to change someone’ s life. I decided right there that I wasn’ t going to give the list back until it was done. I’ d go to the party and face everyone as a loser. But, hey, at least I’ d tried.

The thought of which left me utterly thunderstruck.

I’ d tried.

I’ d failed. I’ d picked myself up, dusted myself off, and tried again. Me!

Of course-that was it!

A horn honked nearby, tugging me from my thoughts.

‘ Hey!’ It was Martucci, calling to me through the rolled-down passenger window of his Mercedes. ‘ Get in, you nut job! I’ ll give you a ride.’

I ran over and climbed into the passenger seat-and mmm, the fragrance of real Corinthian leather sure beat the smell of your average city bus stop. Martucci chuckled as he shifted into gear. ‘ I’ d ask why you were standing there in your socks, but I’ m not sure I want to know.’

Chapter 25

20 Things to Do by My 25th Birthday

1. Lose 100 pounds

2. Kiss a stranger

3. Change someone’ s life

4. Wear sexy shoes

5. Run a 5K

6. Dare to go braless

7. Make Buddy Fitch pay

8. Be the hottest girl at Oasis

9. Get on TV

10. Ride in a helicopter

11. Pitch an idea at work

12. Try boogie boarding

13. Eat ice cream in public

14. Go on a blind date

15. Take Mom and Grandma to see Wayne Newton

16. Get a massage

17. Throw away my bathroom scale

18. Watch a sunrise

19. Show my brother how grateful I am for him

20. Make a big donation to charity

The private room at Oasis was packed. People sat at cocktail tables and stood around holding drinks and plates of food. When Martucci and I walked in, a woman named Norma-I remembered her as the Weight Watchers leader who’ d given Marissa her lifetime pin the night she died-was near the bar, in the midst of telling a story into a handheld microphone. The fact that it ended with, ‘ And from that day forward, every woman in the group practically stripped naked before weighing in’ -followed by a roar of laughter from the crowd-gave me an indication of the overall mood. It was, as Kitty Jones had hoped, a party.

We grabbed beers from a bartender near the back and then made our way to the table where Susan and Brie sat with Sebastian and Kip.

‘ I was starting to worry you weren’ t coming,’ Susan said, pulling purses off a couple of chairs she’ d been saving. ‘ What happened to your shoes?’

‘ Don’ t ask.’

As I sat down, Troy relieved Norma of the microphone. He was in jeans and a button-down shirt, his hair recently cut-but it didn’ t incite lust in me as much as it made me want to pinch his cheeks.

‘ Anybody else who wants to share,’ Troy said, ‘ feel free to come on up.’ He held out the microphone.

Brie gave me a nudge. ‘ Go up there.’

A girl trotted to the microphone, buying me time. She introduced herself as a school friend of Marissa’ s and started to tell a story about how she and Marissa used to pass notes in algebra class.

‘ June doesn’ t have to talk if she doesn’ t want to,’ Susan said quietly to everyone at the table, as if I weren’ t there.

‘ The fact that she showed up is plenty,’ Sebastian agreed.

Martucci took a swig of his beer. ‘ Of course she should talk. She’ s the reason they’ re having this party in the first place.’

‘ I am not!’ I hissed. As if I needed that kind of pressure! ‘ They’ re having it because Marissa wrote a list to be completed by her twenty-fifth birthday& which, by the way, it isn’ t. Completed, that is.’

Brie shook her head. ‘ Eighteen down, two left to go. What a shame.’

‘ Actually,’ I said, unable to suppress a proud smile, ‘ only one left to go.’

‘ You found Buddy Fitch?’ Sebastian said, excited enough that he forgot to whisper. A few heads turned our way, and I shushed him.

‘ No, I still have to do that one.’

‘ Then what-? How-? I mean, I thought& ‘

As Sebastian flustered, Brie took the opportunity to elbow me. ‘ Your man, Troy, is looking mighty fine.’

‘ The brother?’ Kip asked. ‘ You’ ve got something going on with the brother?’

‘ That’ s dishy,’ Sebastian said with obvious interest.

‘ There’ s nothing between Troy and me.’

‘ At least not yet,’ Brie taunted. ‘ The night is young.’

‘ Yeah,’ Martucci piped up, a little roughly even for him. ‘ Now that you’ re not going to adopt a baby, he’ ll probably be interested again.’

Susan grunted in disgust on my behalf. ‘ Leave her alone.’

‘ It’ s not what you think,’ I said, wanting to clarify, and for some reason I turned to Martucci. ‘ He’ s just messed up about losing his sister-they were close. I kind of feel sorry for him.’

‘ Did I miss something?’ Susan asked. ‘ Are you and Troy a thing?’

‘ Nah,’ I said. Troy had again taken the microphone and was holding it out for whoever might speak next. ‘ He’ s a nice guy,’ I said, rising from the table. ‘ But to be honest, he’ s not my type.’

I claimed the microphone from Troy, who gave me a brief kiss on the cheek before going back to stand near his family. I blew out a breath, trying to calm my nerves, and then faced the crowd of sixty or so people. I hadn’ t written a speech. Sure, I’ d given it plenty of times in my imagination-but when I had, it was always about finishing the list. The speech I’ d mentally rehearsed over and over was one of triumph-the list a wrapped gift I’ d present to a grieving family. I was going to have to wing this one.

‘ Hi, I’ m June Parker,’ I said, surveying the room. I recognized faces from the funeral, although that day now seemed a lifetime ago. ‘ As some of you may know, I was the one who was in the car accident with Marissa. What you may not know is that I discovered that Marissa had written a very special list. On it were twenty things she planned to do by her birthday& today.’ I paused, and there was a murmur from the crowd. This was news to most, I could tell.

‘ In honor of Marissa’ s memory, I set out to complete the list. She already had crossed off two of the tasks herself. One of them was to lose a hundred pounds, a goal she reached and, as I understand, was very proud of. Luckily for me, not all the tasks were so challenging. The other one that Marissa did on her own was to wear a pair of great, sexy shoes& ‘ I smiled, glancing down at my stocking feet. ‘ Which was too bad, because I wouldn’ t have minded doing that one myself.’

That received a few chuckles, and I gazed out into a sea of smiling, open faces. This was not going to be a tough crowd by any means; they were eager to hear how Marissa’ s dreams came true. I only hoped my unsuccessful attempt wouldn’ t disappoint them too much.

‘ I didn’ t have a chance to get to know Marissa,’ I continued. ‘ The Marissa I’ m familiar with is the one who wrote the list, and from it, I know she must have been an amazing person.’

There were several nods to that.

Not sure what to say next, I asked, ‘ I suppose you want to know what was on the list?’

A smattering of applause and a chorus of ‘ Yeah!’ answered me.

‘ Let’ s see& ,’ I said, starting to loosen up. ‘ There was trying boogie boarding. Getting a massage. Going on a blind date. Making a big donation to charity. Taking her mom and grandma’ -I glanced over to where the family sat, and Kitty gave me a wink-’ to see the great Wayne Newton in concert.’ That got an ‘ Awwww& ‘ and some applause, and I scanned my brain for the others. Even though the list had been such a huge part of the last year of my life, I was having a rough time recalling everything.

‘ There were more,’ I said, ‘ but I want to tell you about the most important one& the one that I believe was even bigger to Marissa than losing the weight. She’ d written on her list that she wanted to change someone’ s life. Those of you who were close to Marissa probably realize how that would have been dear to her heart. Everyone tells me what a giving person she was.

‘ So I set out to try to change someone’ s life-which I’ m sure you can agree is no small order. I wanted to do something special, and I thought I had the right thing. I’ d managed to find a way to help a family desperate for a baby to adopt one from a teenage girl who couldn’ t keep her baby herself. Only& ‘ I realized I was getting far more personal than I’ d intended to, and I was having a difficult time choking out the words. ‘ It didn’ t work out. The girl kept the baby, and the couple& well, they’ re still childless.’

I caught the eye of an elderly woman who had that deer-in-the-headlights look of someone who senses a speech is about to veer into a very ugly direction. I figured I’ d better cut to the chase. ‘ And yet changing someone’ s life is still crossed off the list. To explain why, I’ ll have to tell you something I’ m not exactly thrilled to admit. Because the truth is, before I started doing this list, I hadn’ t made much of my own life. In fact, a person who in recent months has become a very close friend-someone who has been there when I needed him and whose opinion I’ ve grown to truly value and respect-said he always felt I was just going through the motions. As much as I hated to hear it, he was right.

‘ Part of the reason I did the list was so I could feel what it was like to have purpose and direction the way Marissa did. I had no idea whether I’ d finish it, and I’ ll have to confess right now that I didn’ t. There’ s one item I still have to do. But that’ s the point I’ m trying to make. On my way over here, I was still trying to finish the list. Even though I hadn’ t completed it on time, I wasn’ t going to give up.’

The last few words came out as a squeak. Tears welled in my eyes. I heard Kitty say, ‘ You’ re doing fine, sweetie.’

My voice quavering, I said, ‘ What I realized is that I didn’ t need to change anyone’ s life. Because Marissa changed mine. She’ s taught me what it means to value life. To try. To put myself out there for something that’ s important to me.

‘ I’ d hoped to come here tonight to tell you about what I’ d done for Marissa& but the best I can do is say how truly grateful I am for all she’ s given me. I’ ll never forget it. And I’ ll never, ever take it for granted.’

With that, I set down the microphone and padded back to my seat with the crowd cheering and whooping. Susan greeted me with one of her bone-crushing hugs, and Sebastian and Kip were both sobbing.

‘ Best fucking speech I ever heard,’ Martucci said, using his thumb to wipe a tear from my face.

Brie said, snuffling, ‘ That’ s it, I’ m going to do me a list.’

A guy bearing bagpipes who said he was in the marching corps with Marissa came to the front of the room, saying he wanted to play her favorite song, ‘ Amazing Grace.’ We listened attentively because, frankly, it’ s hard to have a conversation with bagpipes blaring. After he finished, and not getting any more takers on the microphone, Troy thanked people for coming. ‘ Please stick around,’ he announced. ‘ There’ s still a ton of food. Plus, we’ ll be cutting the cake soon.’

The jukebox kicked on as Norma came up to the table. She was eating a piece of pie. Considering she was a Weight Watchers leader, I admired how she didn’ t feel the need to apologize for it.

‘ Well done on finishing the list,’ she said.

I corrected her. ‘ Almost finishing it.’

‘ Ah. Close enough. I’ m sorry you never came back to the group, but you look good. Thin.’

‘ It was the I’ m-too-depressed-to-eat diet,’ I said.

Brie shook her head. ‘ I wish that would happen to me. I eat when I get upset. And when I get mad. Or stressed. Or if I’ m happy. I eat then, too.’

Norma swallowed a bite of her pie, then said, ‘ I hear you there. And Marissa dying so soon after she lost the weight-it was so sad. The group took it pretty hard. We had a couple meetings that were less about food and more about the process of grieving. Poor Buddy took it the hardest. He-’

I nearly choked on my drink. ‘ Did you say Buddy?’

Sebastian glanced up. ‘ Who said Buddy?’

‘ I did,’ Norma said, clearly startled. ‘ I was telling June how Buddy took Marissa’ s death especially hard. He’ s in my Weight Watchers group, and he and Marissa were quite-’

Sebastian cut her off. ‘ His name isn’ t Buddy Fitch by chance, is it?’

‘ I do believe his last name is Fitch. Why-do you know him?’

I couldn’ t believe it. I’ d been searching everywhere for this guy, and I never thought that he might be one of the Weight Watchers group. I may have even seen him the night I went for my one and only meeting. The last thing I wanted to do was face those people again. But if I had to, I would. I’ d be able to finish the list. ‘ I want to meet him,’ I said. ‘ Does he still go to the meetings?’

‘ Not since he reached his weight goal,’ she said.

‘ Oh no.’ I couldn’ t hide my disappointment. But they probably had records. Of course they did! I’ d be able to-

‘ But if you want to meet him, it’ s no problem. He’ s here.’

Sebastian slapped his hands on the table so hard that it made our drinks jump. ‘ Get outta town. Here?! In the bar?’

‘ Well, yes. When Kitty Jones invited me, she said to go ahead and extend an invitation to anyone I wanted.’

‘ He’ s here,’ I said, stunned. Buddy Fitch was here. ‘ Where?’

Norma gestured toward a man standing with his family. ‘ Over there. Here, I can take you to meet him. Let me go get my-’

I didn’ t even wait for her to finish. Here was my chance to complete the list! Oh, I hoped he’ d confess to whatever misdeed he’ d visited upon poor Marissa. If not, I’ d do whatever it took to drag it out of him.

‘ That was a great speech,’ he said when I approached. He was a husky man with thinning red hair and a square but friendly face.

‘ Thanks,’ I said, and then got right to the point. ‘ Are you Buddy Fitch?’

‘ Me? Nah. Name’ s Peter Fitch.’

My spirits sank, but then a kid’ s voice said, ‘ I’ m Buddy.’

I gasped. ‘ You’ re Flash!’ I said right as he pointed to me and said:

‘ Now I remember who you are! You’ re the lady from the race!’

‘ You’ re Buddy Fitch?’ How could the nice kid from the race possibly have hurt Marissa? There must be a mistake. ‘ I need to talk to you a minute,’ I said, leading him away.

‘ You still running?’ he asked, settling into a chair behind a giant potted fern where I thought we could get privacy.

I gave him a guilty look and admitted I’ d done it only for the list. ‘ Speaking of which,’ I said, unfolding it, ‘ maybe you can explain something to me.’ I showed him #7: Make Buddy Fitch pay. ‘ You have any idea why Marissa would write the one about making you pay?’

‘ Sure. She and I had a bet. When I joined Weight Watchers, I had thirty pounds to lose. I wanted to get on the track team, and one day when I sat next to Marissa, I told her I bet I’ d never make it. She bet me I would, and we put money on it. She promised that she’ d help me train.’

Unbelievable. ‘ So it was literal. Make you pay.’

‘ She came to run with me a couple times after school before she& um& Anyhow, I didn’ t quit. I kept running.’

‘ How much did you bet?’

‘ A dollar.’

I leaned close so my eyes were level with his. ‘ So I guess what I need to know is, did you make the track team?’

‘ Yep.’

‘ In that case, Buddy Fitch’ -I extended a hand, palm up-’ pay up.’

#7. Make Buddy Fitch pay

SOON AFTER I brought the list back to the table and crossed off the last item, my friends gathered to leave.

‘ I’ m so lucky to have all of you,’ I said, overwhelmed with emotion. It was finally sinking in that I’ d finished the list. Mere minutes earlier, I’ d thought I still had a long way to go. ‘ I could have never completed the list if it hadn’ t been for your help.’

There was much murmuring of ‘ You’ re welcome’ and ‘ Glad to do it,’ until Martucci said, ‘ Don’ t start blubbering all over me, Parker. This is a new shirt.’

‘ Are you going to give back the list?’ Susan asked.

I nodded. ‘ That was always the plan: that I’ d return it as soon as I was done. I was starting to fear that it might never happen.’

‘ It did-and on time,’ Sebastian said warmly. ‘ It must be the writer in you& can’ t miss a deadline.’

Everyone left except for Martucci, who said he’ d stick around to give me a ride home. I found Kitty Jones straightening a balloon bouquet. ‘ Here you are,’ I said, handing her the list. ‘ Complete.’ I explained about Buddy Fitch.

‘ He told me that he made the track team at his school because of Marissa,’ I said. ‘ So that’ s another thing she made happen by herself.’

She squeezed my arm, her voice breaking. ‘ Now don’ t make me cry. I’ ve managed to hold it together so far. I’ m going to take this’ -she held up the list-’ and have a good, long look at it as soon as I get home.’

I glanced around the crowd, which was starting to thin. ‘ I need to get going, but I wanted to say good-bye to Troy first.’

‘ He’ s over by the food table with his aunt Lorraine. She’ s probably grilling him about why he’ s not married yet. I’ ll bet he’ d be eternally grateful if you rescued him.’

She wasn’ t kidding. As soon as I approached, Troy said loudly, ‘ It was a pleasure chatting with you, Aunt Lorraine, but I need to talk to June here.’

‘ Guess what?’ I said as he ushered me to a quiet end of the bar. ‘ We found Buddy Fitch. He’ s here& and he’ s a kid from her Weight Watchers group. So the list’ s done.’

‘ June, that’ s incredible.’

‘ Anyway, I was about to leave, but I wanted to say thanks for everything.’

‘ I didn’ t do much, but you know I was glad to help any way I could.’

‘ By the way,’ I boasted, ‘ I wound up getting the promotion at work.’

‘ I knew you would.’ He rubbed a hand nervously through his hair. ‘ Look& about the other day when I came to your office. You told me that the phone message I left you got cut off. Which is probably for the best. I did a lot of blabbering. But the upshot was-and I know this sounds cliché-but as far as what happened in Vegas, it wasn’ t you. It was me.’

‘ It’ s okay.’

‘ No, it’ s not. I snapped at you because you were going to adopt a baby. And did I even understand you right? It sounds now like you aren’ t going to do it.’

‘ I didn’ t really want to be a single mom-I got swept up in everything. And as for Vegas, it was no big deal. Honestly. You’ ve been through so much; you and Marissa were so close. I can understand that you’ d feel conflicted.’

He shook his head and smiled. ‘ I should have seen it coming. I remember the first time I saw you at the funeral, when you came down the line shaking hands. You had that huge black eye, and when you got to where I was, I thought, Wow, she’ s hot, and found myself peeking down your blouse to see how far the bruise went. Then I was disgusted that I’ d notice something like that at my own sister’ s funeral.’

Before I could respond-and really, what could one say to that?-a woman approached and said, ‘ Troy, your grandma wants me to tell you that you’ re needed. They’ re about to cut the cake.’

‘ Tell her I’ ll be right there.’ Then he turned to me. ‘ So you’ ll keep in touch?’

‘ Are you kidding? Now that I have this new job, I’ m going to need connections in all the right places.’

‘ You got it. Anytime.’

I hugged Troy good-bye and then walked back to where Martucci sat, discussing racing strategies with Buddy Fitch. ‘ I’ m ready to go when you are,’ I said.

As we left, I paused at the doorway to take one last look inside the room. Troy and his family gathered around the cake. Twenty-five candles had been lit, and the firelight danced on their faces as they leaned close. No one sang ‘ Happy Birthday.’ I watched-drained and yet never feeling more full-as Kitty took in a deep breath. And then everyone around her helped blow out the candles in one collective whoosh.

Chapter 26

I t’ s strange not to have anything I have to do,’ I said to Martucci as he pulled his car in front of my apartment building. The evening was warm, and he had the moon roof open, exposing a twinkle of city lights.

‘ You did good.’

‘ I just don’ t want to go back to my old ways.’

He cut the engine. ‘ Then don’ t.’

‘ How?’ As I asked it, I had to marvel. Once again, I was turning to Martucci for advice, when only months ago I could hardly stand to be in the same room with him. He’ d changed in my perception from repulsive to& well, I wasn’ t sure. I liked being around him. Suddenly I was noticing things like how he smelled good& the rumbly growl of his voice& how the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled.

‘ It’ s easy,’ he said, grinning-and see? There went the crinkles. ‘ Think about what you would have done before, which would have been nothing. Then do something.’

‘ Very funny.’ I added, ‘ The old me would leave to go inside right now.’

He lifted an eyebrow. ‘ And the new you& ?’

I shifted in my seat so I faced him, then I placed one hand behind his head and pulled him close in a kiss. And it was nice-warm and soft and sweet-and I kissed him again, and again, and soon I was gulping him in, and he was tugging me close, tangling his hands in my hair, and it was crazy& Dominic Martucci of all people! Yet for once I wasn’ t second-guessing myself or letting myself get lost in doubt. I knew for certain that-wherever it might go or whatever might happen-sprawled across Martucci’ s front seat with my tongue greedily seeking his was exactly where I wanted to be right now.

He gazed at me, brushing my hair away from my face. ‘ For the record, Parker,’ he said, ‘ this definitely qualifies as something.’

‘ Glad you approve. I have to play it by ear now that I don’ t have a list.’

‘ Mmm. I’ ve been working on one of my own, you know.’

‘ You have?’

‘ Sure. Ever since I got a preview of your goodies in Vegas, I’ ve spent a helluva lot of hours thinking exactly what I’ d like to do to you.’ Laying kisses along my neck, trailing them softly down to my throat, he murmured, ‘ It’ s probably best you don’ t have a list right now. Mine’ s going to keep you mighty busy.’

STARING AT THE BLANK PAPER before me, I chewed on the tip of my pen. This was harder than I’ d thought it would be.

All I’ d written so far was, June’ s To-Do List.

I supposed I didn’ t need a list. My life was already so different from what it used to be, plus Martucci’ s list was proving to be quite satisfying. Still, a few goals that involved my clothes on couldn’ t hurt.

The first thing I’ d done the Saturday after Marissa’ s party was pack up the gifts I’ d gotten from the baby shower at work and drive to Deedee’ s house. Even though I knew she had the childbirth class, I figured it couldn’ t take the entire day. She might have wanted to cut me from her life, but it was going to take a machete to do it.

Deedee answered the door dressed in a tank top over an enormous swell of stomach, and I gaped at her. ‘ Cripes, you swallow the Olson twins since the last time I saw you?’

‘ I know. I’ m a big old cow, huh?’

‘ Nah. You’ re cute as ever. But that’ s a heck of a belly.’

She furrowed her brows. ‘ How come you’ re here? I thought for sure you hated me.’

‘ Not a chance. I’ ll admit I was disappointed, but how could I be mad? You made the smart choice. Now are you going to make me stand out here, or will you let me in so I can give you these gifts?’

She called Maria over, and I didn’ t need a translator for the oohs and aahs, especially when I rolled in that Cadillac of a stroller. I’ d had no qualms keeping the gifts from my co-workers. I could have put a down payment on a home with all the cash I’ ve laid out for other people over the years. I simply let everyone know it was going to a poor blind grandma, and that was that. There was no need to mention she was twenty-nine.

As Deedee chattered on about running into her archnemesis, Theresa, the other day, I smiled to myself. I’ d almost adopted a baby because I was so smitten with the idea of a little girl needing me.

Well, there was still a little girl who needed me.

Sure, she had a tendency to swear and wear too much eyeliner, but she needed me.

IT WAS A FEW DAYS after that that my brother called to tell me to check my e-mail. ‘ I sent you a file of a page to be posted by our adoption agency. You’ re a writer-I wanted to see if you had any suggestions.’

‘ You’ re adopting-that’ s great! How did that happen?’

‘ Hold on,’ he said, ‘ I’ ll let the boss explain.’ And he put Charlotte on the line.

She told me how she and Bob had talked on their way home from Deedee’ s that day and how she had realized that if she could get that excited about a baby she’ d known about for less than a day, there’ d be no problem bonding with another. The adoption process could take a year or more, she told me, but that was nothing compared with how long they’ d already waited.

‘ And you’ re not upset that you didn’ t get Deedee’ s baby?’

‘ I was for a bit. Then for the first time I realized that this is going to happen. Bob and I will be parents. The right one will come along. Sad as I was, I had to accept it-that wasn’ t our baby.’

MAYBE I’ D PUT Swimming with the dolphins.

Then again, maybe not. My mom might want to frolic among Flipper’ s little friends, but it wouldn’ t make my list.

Truth was, I’ d ambled through most of my life, not putting much thought into what I’ d wanted. Even for the past year, when I’ d worked so hard to complete the list, it had been a list of someone else’ s dreams. It was time to put my own in motion.

Yet when I wrote down my first task, I surprised even myself.

After all, there were so many places to visit. So many things to do. Maybe marriage or babies. Taking up tap dancing. Reading the classics. Buying a sportier car. There were a million things I could put on my list.

But what I wrote was, #1. Go skydiving.

What was up with that?

I’ d never had the slightest urge to skydive. In fact, I’ d always thought it was about the silliest thing a person could do.

Yet suddenly the idea of making a wild leap-hurtling through the air, yet trusting that I’ d know when to open my parachute so I’ d have a soft landing-well, it sounded like something I might like to try.

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