The Plant

February 19, 1981
Editorial Staff and/or Mailroom Crew Zenith House 490 Park Avenue South New York, NY 10017
TO THE EDITOR—OR WHOEVER SENDS THESE THINGS BACK WHERE THEY COME FROM,

My name is James Saltworthy, and the attached albatross is a book I wrote. Last Survivor is a novel that was set five years in the future when I wrote it in 1977, and now by God that future's almost here! Looks like the joke's on me. This novel, which has been well-reviewed by both my wife and my department head (I teach 5th grade English at Our Lady of Hope in Queens), has been to a total of twenty-three publishers. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but since Zenith House is this manuscript's final stop on what has been a long and exceedingly dull train-ride to nowhere, I have decided to “let it all hang out,” as we used to say back in the Sexy Sixties, when we all thought we had at least one major novel in us.

I would guess that at several of the publishing houses where Last Survivor visited—sort of like an unwelcome in-law that you get rid of as soon as possible—it was actually read (partially read might be a better way to put it). From Doubleday came the response “We are looking for more upbeat fiction.” Cheers! From Lippincott: “The writing is good, the characters distasteful, the storyline frankly unbelievable.” Mazel tov! From Putnam's came that old favorite: “We no longer look at unagented material.” Hooray! Agents, schmagents. My first one died on me—he was eighty-one and senile. The second was a crook. The third told me he loved my novel, then offered to sell me some Amway.

I am enclosing $5. 00 for return postage. If you feel like using it to send my story back to me after you finish not reading it, that would be fine. If you want to use it to buy a couple of beers, all I can say is cheers! Mazel tov! Hooray! Meantime, I see that Rosemary Rogers, John Saul, and John Jakes are still selling well, so I guess American literature is doing fine and forging bravely forward toward the 21st century. Who needs Saltworthy?

I wonder if there's money in writing instruction manuals. There certainly isn't much in teaching fifth graders, some of whom carry switchblade knives and sell drugs around the corner. I suppose they wouldn't believe that at Doubleday, would they?

Cordially,

Jim Saltworthy

73 Aberdeen Road

Queens, New York 11432