The Ride Across Lake Constance and Other Plays

Calling for Help

although the number of people who may participate in this Sprechstück is unlimited, it requires a minimum of two speakers (male or female). the speakers’ objective is to show the way to the sought-after word HELP, a way that leads across many sentences and words. the speakers are playing the need for help without, however, being in a situation that really requires help; they are playing the need acoustically. while the way to the word help is being demonstrated, the sentences and words are not uttered with their usual meaning, but only to signify that help is being sought. while the speakers are seeking the word help they are in need of help; once having found the word help they no longer need any help. before they find the word they ask for help, whereas once they have found the word help they only speak help without needing to ask for help any longer. once able to shout help, they no longer need to shout for help; they are relieved that they can shout help. the word HELP has lost its meaning.

on their way to the word help, the speakers repeatedly approach the proximate meaning or only the acoustic proximity of the sought-after word: the respective NO-response that greets each attempt also changes according to the degree of proximity; the formal tension of the speaking increases; the course that this tension prescribes resembles, say, the rising and falling decibel curve during a soccer match; the closer one team gets to the goal of the other, the more the spectator noise increases, dying off again after each unsuccessful or impeded attempt to score, then swelling again, etc., until the word HELP is found during the final onslaught; then pure joy reigns among the speakers.

the spectators and listeners quickly recognize the speakers’ objective. however, should the spectators indicate to the speakers, as spectators are wont to during punch-and-judy shows, that they know what the speakers need, and should they shout HELP, in that event the speakers, like performers who are threatened by the crocodile in a punch-and-judy show, won’t understand what the spectators have in mind, but will understand the helpful shouts of HELP only as genuine distress calls, which only bother the speakers during their play. once the speakers have found the word help, it is repeated as a triumphant shout, so often that its meaning becomes an ovation to the word help. when the ovation becomes nearly unbearable, the mass chorus breaks off and a single speaker instantly speaks the word HELP by himself, neither expressing gladness with it nor that he is seeking help. the word HELP is uttered that way once.

the speakers also may drink COCA-COLA at intervals.

and in conclusion, while we think of all of you once more, we call on you and invite you to search with us for ways to mutual understanding, to deepened knowledge, to an open heart, to a fraternal life in the one truly world-embracing community of men: NO.

immediately after the assassination the authorities employed all available means to obtain a clear picture of the murder: NO. don’t worry too much but enjoy the good times: NO. the claim that these persons were compelled to enter the plane is made up of thin air: NO. the dangers of missing the boat in one’s profession are minimal at present: NO. those who come after you also want to use the towel: NO. the cripple can’t be blamed for being a cripple: NO.

someone has escaped from death row: NO. the head of state has placed a wreath in the name of all the people: NO. unemployment has continued to recede: NO. a few cracks have become visible in the ice: NO. the teacher has reprimanded the unruly student: NO. the high pressure system has moved farther east: NO. an old proverb has something to say: NO. the wounded man’s condition has changed for the worse recently: NO. the field marshal has led the courageous troops to victory: NO. silverware and plates have been made germfree: NO.

the queen was wearing a new hat: NO. unknown person is accused of having tipped over several gravestones: NO. the actor swooned while onstage: NO. a moist lip was the motive for the murder: NO. the bones were laid to rest in complete silence: NO. workers at that time were living in inhuman conditions: NO. two nations are entering into a nonaggression pact: NO. the newspaper did not appear yesterday: NO. the moon moved between sun and earth precisely according to calculations: NO. the leader went on foot: NO.

the first-class carriages can be found in the forward part of the train: NO. the mushrooms are no longer as poisonous once they have been cooked: NO. the family constitutes the germinal cell of the state: NO. the newspaper will be twice its usual size due to a special occasion: NO. everyone can eat his fill nowadays: NO. the trains go only as far as the border: NO. even the toughest cop goes soft at the sight of the empress: NO. the girl decorates the table with a rose: NO. due to constantly rising wages we find ourselves forced to announce a small price increase: NO. the king remains silent: NO. english is spoken here: NO. the farmer’s sister is in the woods: NO. knives forks scissors and matches are not for little children: NO. the bomb comes from the east: NO. what’s right must remain right: NO. our rooms are air-conditioned: NO. the father is working in the field: NO. whoever refuses to listen must be made to feel: NO.

the price includes breakfast: NO. you have entered a restricted area: NO. the train will presumably arrive a few minutes late: NO. we thank you for your visit: NO. illegible requests will be denied: NO. enjoyed in moderate quantities, alcohol is not harmful: NO. have you renewed your driver’s license: NO. keep back, police regulations: NO. the missing-persons bureau of the red cross is looking for the following missing persons: NO. a high reward has been placed on the culprit’s head: NO. the last row must stay empty: NO. everyone is waiting for the game-ending whistle: NO. belated protests won’t be accepted: NO. please set the volume so that the noise will be confined to your room: NO. follow me unobtrusively please: NO. we wish you bon voyage: NO. there should be a death penalty for stealing food from little children: NO. show your hands: NO. green is good for your eyes: NO. the monarch is eager for reforms: NO. give me your i.d.: NO. anyone found on the street after dark will be shot: NO.

beyond this point only at your own risk: NO. keep it warm: NO. tear off here: NO. delete what is inapplicable: NO. enter in back: NO. don’t eat for two hours: NO. show your tickets automatically: NO. push in the glass: NO. don’t disturb: NO. use the service entrance: NO. read the directions: NO. print in capitals: NO. pull in your head: NO. hold children by the hand: NO. keep the receipt: NO. turn the key twice: NO. don’t lose your head: NO. stay calm: NO. don’t move the accident victim: rro, don’t use spit as a spot remover: NO. be ready to show your i.d. cards: NO. go on: NO. don’t fold: NO. wipe your shoes: NO. transfer: NO. make room: NO. apply the tourniquet above the wound: NO. buy now: NO. NO. raise your arm: NO. wait for the official signal: NO. close the doors: NO. protect against sunlight: NO.

in the name of the republic: NO. in one part of yesterday’s edition: NO. lunch from twelve to two: NO. a six-month guarantee: NO. the first door to the left: NO. danger, construction: NO. know your terror threshold: NO. hats checked free: NO. hunting season closed from march to september: NO. blood group o: NO. trainee wanted: NO. ocean view: NO. sentenced to death in absentia: NO. measurements 38, 24, 34: NO. before the treatment and after the treatment: NO. nonpotable water: NO. all credit cards accepted: NO. police checkpoint within five thousand yards: NO. because of unprecedented demand: NO. not on saturdays: NO. an unknown victim: NO. next teller please: NO. two to three teaspoonfuls a day: NO. danger: NO. no dining car: NO. from our catalogue: NO. the fifty-second week!: NO. wet paint: NO. open all day today: NO. no cartoons due to the unusual length of the feature: NO. extra: NO. moved, address unknown: NO. only on weekdays: NO. against asthma attacks: NO. platform one: NO. addressee unknown: NO. one-way street: NO. insect repellent: NO. no more war: NO. reserved for women and children: NO. in the tenth round: NO. volunteers step forward: NO. in case of emergency: NO. to the turnpike: NO. towelettes twenty-five cents: NO. this establishment is being struck: NO. freedom for: NO. the penalty is increased by one sleepless night a month plus solitary confinement in complete darkness on the anniversary of the crime: NO.

lights out!: NO. enter!: NO. softly!: NO. thanks!: NO. present!: NO. heads up!: NO. to everyone!: NO. first name!: NO. beginning today!: NO. next!: NO. watch out!: NO. after, you, please!: NO. profession!: NO. never!: NO. unfortunately!: NO. to the showers!: NO. wanted!: NO. until further notice!: NO. by the neck!: NO. hand it over!: NO. shut the door!: NO. undress!: NO. as of now!: NO. down!: NO. go on!: NO. sit!: NO. back!: NO. inri!: NO. bravo!: NO. hands up!: NO. eyes closed!: No. smoke!: NO. into the corner!: NO. psst!: NO. aha!: NO. lie!: NO. hands on the table!: NO. up against the wall!: NO. no ifs, ands or buts!: NO. neither forward nor backward!: NO. yes!: NO. no delay!: NO. stretch out!: NO. no stopping!: NO. stop!: NO. fire!: NO. I’m drowning!: NO. ah!: NO. ouch!: NO. no!: NO. hello!: NO. holy!: NO. holy holy holy!: NO. over here!: NO. shut up!: NO. hot!: NO. air!: NO. hiss!: NO. water!: NO. away!: NO. emergency!: NO. never again!: NO. mortal danger!: NO. alarm!: NO. red!: NO. heil!: NO. light!: NO. behind!: NO. don’t!: NO. there!: NO. here!: NO. upstairs!: NO. go!: NO. NO. NO:

help?: YES!

help?: YES!

help?: YES!

helYESpYEShelYESpYEShelYESpYEShelYESpYEShelYESpYEShelp

help

Translated by Michael Roloff