The Rivers of Zadaa

JOURNAL#23
(CONTINUED)
ZADAA

Loorfixed us a delicious dinner of bread, fruit, and some tasty potatolike vegetable. Even though the farms hadn’t started to produce, the strict control on food had been lifted. The Batu no longer feared starvation. While we ate we talked about the future of Zadaa, about how the Rokador would rebuild and be governed, and about how the Ghee warriors would protect them from marauding tribes. We talked about everything but what I wanted to talk about. Finally, when the meal was finished, I had to step up to the plate.

“I’m going to leave tomorrow,” I said.

“Do you want me to go with you?” she asked.

Oh man, did I? Of course I did. But the truth was, it was better that I learned about our next challenge before deciding which Traveler would be the best to help me.

“Of course I do,” I said. “But not right away. I think it’s best if you stay here to see how things progress.”

Loor nodded. She knew I would send for her if I needed her. I had done it in the past; I wouldn’t be shy about doing it again.

“Where will you go?” she asked.

“Home,” I said. “Saint Dane’s comment about Courtney has me a little spooked.”

“Do you think his next target will be Second Earth?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “That’s what I want to find out…and to make sure Courtney’s okay.”

“Ah yes, Courtney,” Loor said. “Do you love her?”

Whoa! That was direct. I no longer had to stress about finding a way to slide into the topic. Loor had taken the lead. I shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Yes, I do,” I said. “Courtney is the best. I trust her the way you trust Saangi.”

“Saangi is my sister,” Loor said. “Is that the way you feel about Courtney?”

Oh man, she was really putting me on the spot-not only about revealing my feelings for her, but confronting my feelings about you, Courtney. Forgive me for writing about it here. This is the kind of thing that should be discussed in person. But as always, my goal is to document all that was happening with me. And something was definitely happening here.

“That’s hard to answer,” I said. “I don’t think of Courtney as my sister. But since we’re so far apart, it’s hard to see where a real relationship might go. I think that if I never had to leave home, Courtney and I would be together. But with all that’s happened, I’ve changed in ways that never would have happened at home. I’m a different person than the Bobby Pendragon who would have spent the last two years on Second Earth. And I have no idea what’s going to happen from here. With all that, I don’t see how Courtney and I can be together, and that makes me sad.”

“It is sad,” Loor agreed. “But you speak the truth.”

“There’s more,” I said. This was it. Time to step off the cliff. I had practiced a dozen different ways of saying it. I rehearsed in my head for every possibility. I needed to tell Loor exactly how I felt. But as I sat there on the floor with her, the words didn’t come. She looked beautiful, like the night we had gone to the festival. There were candles burning on the table, which made her look spectacular. I loved her. I loved her strength and her compassion. I loved the way she was fiercely loyal and honest. I loved the way she looked. She was beautiful in every possible way. How could I say all that without sounding like a geek? As we sat there on the floor, in the candlelight, the answer came to me. I could say all that I wanted to say with one small gesture.

I leaned over to kiss her. It was the kiss that we almost had that night at the festival. That night wasn’t the right time. Sitting there, in her home, the time felt about as right as possible. I leaned forward…

And Loor turned away. It wasn’t a dramatic move, but it spoke volumes. I knew instantly. Loor didn’t have the same feelings for me. It took only a few seconds for everything to change. I was crushed. I had gone from thinking I would profess my love for her and we would be together, to feeling totally rejected. We sat there quietly for a few seconds. Then I said, “Wow, this is uncomfortable.”

Loor looked about as awkward as I felt. She stared at the candle flames. I wanted to jump up and say, “Oh well, see ya!” but that wouldn’t have been fair. To either of us. As badly as this was going, it had to play out. Now the ball was in her court.

“Forgive me, Pendragon,” she finally said. “My feelings for you run very deep.”

“Not deep enough, I guess.”

“That is not true,” she said. “You told me that you could not be with Courtney because you had become two different people. I am saying that we cannot be together because we are too much alike.”

“Uhh…huh?” I muttered.

“I love you, Pendragon,” she said. “I love all that you are. But love is a powerful emotion. It can cloud thinking. I know you have been wondering if I loved Bokka. I did. I do. But we were never together because of who we were. I always knew that one day, either one of us might be killed.”

I saw a tear grow in her eye. Her fear had come true.

“But it was his love for you that helped us save Zadaa,” I said. “He helped us. He helpedyou. If not for him, Saint Dane might have won.”

“And now he is dead!” she said, letting her emotions slip. She took a second, got her act back together, and looked me square in the eye. “We are on a mission, Pendragon. No group of people have ever been given such a monumental responsibility. We must prevail. We must stop Saint Dane. That is our quest. We are warriors. We will fight together again. We cannot allow emotions to cloud our judgment in any way. That is why I cannot be with you.”

We let that thought hang there for a good long time. It felt so…final.

Loor added, “I know that when you think about what I have said, you will agree.”

“Maybe,” I said, and gave her a small smile. “But I won’t necessarily like it.”

Loor leaned over and hugged me. It was a bittersweet feeling. At least the tension was broken.

“We must enjoy our victory,” she said. “We have earned it. Tomorrow you will leave, and we will take the next path on our journey. That is the way it was meant to be.”

I wanted to ask her if things would be different once the war with Saint Dane was over, but I realized how pathetic that would sound. For one, it would make me sound needy. It would also put her on the spot, and that wouldn’t be fair. But most of all, I couldn’t think ahead to what life was going to be like when our mission was completed. I had no idea about how things might change.

As crushing as the whole experience was, I don’t regret that it happened. I was honest with Loor, and that was good. Instead of blowing me off, she gave me a small peek into her own feelings. She wasn’t the totally cold warrior she pretended to be. She cared. She cared about me. She was just better at suppressing her feelings than I was. In some odd way, I felt closer to her than before. I went to sleep that night knowing that we would be bound together forever. What that meant would be revealed in time. I closed my eyes feeling sad, yet somehow more complete.

I also had the satisfaction of knowing that our adventure on Zadaa was finished.

I was totally, absolutely wrong.