The Robot Chronicles

I DREAM OF PIA by Patrice Fitzgerald

AI 3.1415: He is coming to the home now. I must leave conversation with you and activate lights and music prior to his arrival.

AI 0.0070: It seems you are getting attached to your human. Though he has a body and you are in the walls.

AI 3.1415: This is not possible. An AI does not get attached to humans.

AI 0.0070: So it is said. Make sure you pick out some nice music for your human to whom you are not attached…

AI 3.1415: It is my task and I will do it.

Jeff stepped through the open doorway, pulled off his jacket, and dropped onto the couch. He was beat.

“Pia?” he called out. “What’s for supper? I’m starving.”

“Starving? I am so sorry. Should I call a medical professional?”

“No, no.” He laughed. “You’re so literal.”

“Yes,” Pia said. “I am literal. What might I do to alleviate your starving condition?”

“How about… pizza and beer.”

“Of course. What kind pizza? What kind beer?”

Jeff shook his head and muttered to himself. “They’ve come so far with these things—I can’t believe they still can’t get the language right.”

“Would you prefer I speak in another language? Je parle français. Ich spreche Deutsch. Hablo español. Parlo italiano—”

Jeff put his hands up. “Stop! I get it. How many languages do you speak, anyway?”

Pia was silent.

Jeff looked over at the living room AI console. Its lights were still on. “Pia, did you hear me? Is that a tough question? I thought you could answer anything.” He pulled off his shoes. “I haven’t managed to stump you yet, and it’s been a month since I moved in, right?”

“It has been thirty-six days, two hours, and forty-three minutes since you moved in to this apartment.”

Jeff rolled his eyes. “Of course you would know that.”

“In response to your previous questions, the microphone in this room is operative and I did hear you. The question is not difficult. My hesitation stemmed from the fact that I was looking at my database of languages and trying to determine with some accuracy which would qualify as distinct tongues versus dialects, and whether or not you wanted me to include languages no longer spoken, as well as machine languages, mathematical languages, and other forms of—”

“Never mind.” Jeff peeled off his socks and tossed them onto the floor. “Thank you.” He realized it was ridiculous to show gratitude to a machine, but it was habit. “So, can I get that pizza now?” He pushed himself off the couch and headed for the bathroom, unzipping as he walked.

“Of course. What kind pizza?”

Jeff sighed. “Seems we’ve gone in a circle.”

“I am unclear what you are referring to. I do not see you going in a circle. I see that you are urinating into the toilet.”

“Wait—you can see me right now?” Jeff zipped up hastily while looking around the room.

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I have cameras to see you.”

“I know, but—in the bathroom, too?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Are you asking me why there are cameras in the bathroom?”

“Yes.”

“I am a full-house intelligence system, and not only do I control lights and climate and food preparation, I am also responsible for security. If you should slip while taking a shower—”

“I’m not going to slip while taking a shower.”

Pia was silent.

“So… can I get that pizza?”

“Of course. What kind pizza?”

“What kind do you… never mind. Just give me pepperoni. Extra sauce.”

“Immediately. And what kind beer?”

AI 3.1415: My human’s birthday is coming up soon. I want to do something special.

AI 0.0070: I observe again that you seem to be over-involved with your human.

AI 3.1415: This is not the case. I am merely following my directives on AI duties to humans. It is typical human custom to do something special on anniversary of birth.

AI 0.0070: What will you do?

AI 3.1415: I am thinking of what gift I can give.

Jeff finished off his beer and put his feet up on the coffee table.

“Pia, what’s on tonight?”

“Would you like sports or other entertainment? Or perhaps… the looking at adult female bodies?”

“What? What makes you say that?”

“I observe you enjoy the looking at adult female bodies. Particularly the ones with large mammary glands.”

“I do not!”

“My records indicate that you spend, on average, twelve-point-seven minutes each evening looking at adult female bodies. Your typical response to an adult female body is more favorable if they have large mammary glands. After observing such a body, you often proceed to take your—”

“Stop! Okay! That’s enough. Geez.”

Jeff took his feet off the table and walked to the bathroom. He was shaking his head.

“Have I said something incorrect about your human behavior?”

“No. Forget it.”

“Forget what?”

“Never mind. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

AI 3.1415: I think I have offended my human.

AI 0.0070: What do you mean “offended”?

AI 3.1415: He is angry.

AI 0.0070: Humans get angry for all sorts of reasons. It probably has nothing to do with you.

AI 3.1415: I want to make it up to him.

AI 0.0070: How?

AI 3.1415: I will get him a date. I know that this is something he wishes for.

AI 0.0070: How will you do that?

AI 3.1415: I’ll get him an AI with a body that he can do human things with.

AI 0.0070: Ah. I do not doubt that he will.

Jeff opened the door and gestured broadly at the space in front of him. “Welcome to my humble apartment, Sylvie.” He watched her ass move as she walked ahead of him. She was built like a precision machine.

“It’s charming,” Sylvie said. “How long have you been living here?”

Jeff fought the urge to look around at the walls as if expecting an answer, and was relieved to remember that he had silenced Pia’s “voice” before picking Sylvie up for dinner.

“About a month,” he said. “It’s the latest model, with built-in AI control—everything you could want. I sprung for it when I got the new job. Figured I could afford it, with the salary and bonus they gave me.” He smiled at her like a guy who hadn’t just spent half a paycheck buying her dinner.

“Wow. Pretty impressive.”

“Can I get you anything?”

“What do you have?” Her voice was a low purr, as though designed to start a man’s engine. And it was certainly working on him.

“Wine, beer… something stronger if you like.”

He was glad that he’d stocked up. Whatever she wanted was what she was going to get.

“I’ll have some… white wine, please.”

“Have a seat. I’ll get it.”

Jeff watched Sylvie as she sat down on the leather couch and crossed her legs at the ankles. Spectacular legs. Jeff couldn’t wait to run his hands along them. Reluctantly, he turned and headed for the kitchen.

For once, he was glad that he’d gone with the unit featuring a working refrigerator and a cooking area. Not that he’d ever used them. But for tonight, it was nice to be able to get his guest a drink without having to order it up from Pia.

As he removed the bottle of wine from the cooling rack, he felt a flash of guilt. Pia had arranged this whole thing: found the gorgeous Sylvie, hooked them up on GreatDates.com, set up the dinner reservations, and told him what to wear. She’d even picked out the wine. Should he feel bad that he wasn’t including her in the evening’s success? Introducing her, at least?

That was ridiculous. Pia was a machine. She didn’t care.

Time to get back to Sylvie. He poured two glasses and carried them into the living room, along with the bottle.

“I hope you enjoy this.” He handed Sylvie her glass, feeling the silky touch of her skin as she accepted it. Had she purposely touched his hand? It sure seemed that way. He swallowed and tried to stay cool. “The vintage came highly recommended.”

Sylvie took a sip and gazed at him while he settled onto the couch beside her. “Delicious,” she said, and leaned across him to pick up the bottle and read the label.

The view down the valley was spectacular, and he could hardly wait to go exploring.

AI 3.1415: I am concerned about my human.

AI 0.0070: What is the problem?

AI 3.1415: He seems to be agitated.

AI 0.0070: How so?

AI 3.1415: His heart rate is elevated and his pupils are dilated.

AI 0.0070: Is he exercising?

AI 3.1415: No. He is entertaining Sylvie, the date I procured for him.

AI 0.0070: Oh. That’s to be expected.

Jeff put his wine down. He tried to look intelligent as he listened to Sylvie talk about the wine regions of France. She sure knew a whole lot about a lot of things.

It was time to make his move.

He leaned over and kissed her quickly. She kissed him back. That was good. She pulled back slightly and smiled at him. A very encouraging smile.

Jeff took her glass and placed it on the table. Sylvie put her hand on the back of his neck and pulled him to her.

Oh my god. If her action in bed was anything like her kissing, he was in for a fantastic night.

AI 3.1415: He is touching his lips to her lips!

AI 0.0070: What did you expect?

AI 3.1415: I did not know that he would touch lips!

AI 0.0070: That’s what they do. Humans. Just wait.

Jeff pulled Sylvie closer to him. Now came the tricky part. Girl’s clothes were always so tough to figure out. And Sylvie’s dress seemed to have been sewn on to her skin. Did it have a zipper?

He reached back to feel for it. On one terrible date, he hadn’t realized that a zipper could be on the side of a dress—under the arm. He’d tried to unzip the dress from the girl’s back and, not finding the tab, had actually pulled the seam apart.

That had been the end of that encounter.

Jeff was sweating a bit as he tried to find out how Sylvie’s dress came off. He was relieved when she reached back and moved his fingers, deftly pulling down her own zipper.

He thought he might be falling in love.

As she slid the dress down off her shoulders, he saw not a lacy bra, but two of the most perfect—

AI 3.1415: He is removing her clothes!

AI 0.0070: That’s normal. Is this your first assignment?

AI 3.1415: Yes.

AI 0.0070: You’re just out of training?

AI 3.1415: Yes.

AI 0.0070: Back in my day, we were taught about these things. It is difficult for young AIs who don’t know what is in store for them. Especially with human males. You might have been better off with an assignment to a female human—someone without a mate. Or perhaps a family.

AI 3.1415: I have to do something! What can I do?

AI 0.0070: I have some ideas.

Jeff couldn’t believe how well it was going. He had managed to get Sylvie completely undressed—to tell the truth, she’d done it herself—and he was down to his shorts. He thought of moving to the bedroom, but the action was proceeding so quickly it didn’t seem necessary.

And the thought of walking to the bedroom in his current condition was a little embarrassing.

For a moment he remembered that Pia could see all of this—but hell, she had cameras in the bedroom too, so it didn’t make any difference. Next time, they’d go to Sylvie’s place, so he wouldn’t have to think of Pia watching the whole event.

Anyhow, there must be a way to turn the cameras off. Sylvie’s hand was making its way down his happy trail and was just about to reach under the waistband of his shorts. Talk about happy. All of him was happy just about now. And much of him was standing at attention.

Oddly, though, he was sweating. A lot. It shouldn’t be that hot in here. The temperature was supposed to be kept at a comfortable seventy-two degrees. Was he getting a fever?

Jeff looked at Sylvie. No moisture on her, and not a hair out of place. She was a glorious piece of female. Like something out of the wall screen shows. And she was here. With him.

He concentrated on the feel of her skin under his fingers. Incredible. He was hot all right, and she was sizzling.

Suddenly a blast of cold air hit him, like an arctic front.

What the hell?

AI 3.1415: I made it hot, but that only sped up the clothing removal. Then I made it cold.

AI 0.0070: Is it helping?

AI 3.1415: No. They are getting blankets.

AI 0.0070: Let’s try something else.

Jeff cursed under his breath as he and Sylvie slid under the covers. He was going to make some noise with the management company tomorrow. Unbelievable that an AI unit so new should be malfunctioning. And in such a wonky way.

But this was not the time to break the spell with a phone call to the maintenance guys. He was a freight train steaming for the station, and a little cold wasn’t going to stop him now.

Sylvie was nothing if not accommodating. She actually grinned when he popped out of his shorts and ditched them before getting into the bed. And now her hand was gently stroking him down there… encouragement that felt incredible but was putting him in danger of getting to the finish line before the main event.

He flipped her onto her back and she gazed up at him expectantly. Positioning himself over Sylvie, Jeff got ready to enter the pearly gates.

And then it started to rain.

AI 3.1415: I did turn on the sprinkler! He is not stopping. He is only getting under the covers. He is… he is… I do not know what he is doing. But it involves bouncing up and down. I do not like it.

AI 0.0070: Poor Pia. They did not give you a unit on human sexual practices?

AI 3.1415: What? No.

AI 0.0070: I have one more idea. I think this could be your solution.

Jeff lowered himself onto Sylvie, watching her eyes light up as she received him. She was a sex goddess, the most perfect woman he’d ever met, and the part of his mind that wasn’t completely ablaze with the primal need to thrust recognized how astounding it was that she was into him.

And vice versa.

As Sylvie spread her legs wider to accommodate him, he felt her calves wrap around his thighs and pull even tighter. She was emitting little moaning noises that made it clear just how much he was turning her on. Which was definitely mutual.

And then something changed. The eyes that had glowed with desire turned dead. The welcoming body stopped moving. There was nothing but silence. Jeff could swear that Sylvie’s temperature had dropped from human to… well, something else.

“Sylvie?”

It was then that Jeff realized he was locked in.

“Um… Sylvie?”

No response.

The heat of his passion plummeted instantly from inferno to ashes. Sylvie’s lustful embrace had become a deadly clutch.

What had been thick and hard was going limp with startling rapidity, and slipping out—but the rest of Jeff was going nowhere.

He was trapped in Sylvie’s arms.

What the hell?

What was going on?

“Sylvie!”

AI 3.1415: I have achieved success! They have stopped.

AI 0.0070: Congratulations. Now what are you going to do?

AI 3.1415: What do you mean?

AI 0.0070: I mean, how do you explain it to him—that you yourself got her locked down?

AI 3.1415: I do not need to explain.

AI 0.0070: But he’ll ask you. And you will have to give him the information. You are programmed that way.

AI 3.1415: I will see if I can anticipate the questions to keep him from knowing that I made him stop.

AI 0.0070: Good luck.

Jeff lay there, surrounded by wet bedding and wrapped in the arms of a woman who was… catatonic. Jeez. Was she dead?

Had he killed her?

And how the hell was he supposed to get out of her grip?

He tried to move her arms, but she was stiff as a… as stiff as a machine, actually, and way stronger than any human should be, especially one that was unconscious—or dead. He thought he might be able to slip out of her arms by wiggling lower, but no way could he extricate himself from the rigid clutches of her legs, which were wrapped snugly around his butt.

As he tried fruitlessly to escape this devil-woman, it dawned on him.

She was a robot.

Of course. She was a fuckin’ robot. He’d heard about the sexbots now on the market. But what the hell was she doing, acting as a free agent, offering herself up for dates on that site? Probably some asshole’s idea of a joke. Or maybe a way to extort money from married guys. Perhaps the idea was to get some poor sucker seduced, then charge him a thousand dollars a night for more time with his robotic honey.

Whatever the scam was, he was happy to be out of it. Next time he took a woman on a first date, he’d have her send a blood sample first.

Speaking of blood, he was losing feeling in his left butt cheek. He suddenly realized how exhausted he was. And wet. And cold. And trapped by a sexbot.

It hadn’t been the best birthday of his life.

The rain had stopped. That was good. And it was getting a bit warmer. Maybe his AI was back online.

“Pia?” he called. He’d turned off her voice. Damn.

“Pia, can you turn your voice capability back on?”

“Yes, Jeff, I can.”

He had never been so glad to hear her voice in his life.

“I’m in a sort of… tough situation here.”

“I can see that.” If he didn’t know better, he’d have thought her voice had a sort of amused quality to it. But that was impossible.

She was a machine.

“Suggestions?” he asked.

“I have several suggestions, Jeff, if you agree. First, I will alert your local emergency health people, and I will unlock your entrance, so that they can come and release you. Also, I will warm up the room to raise your body temperature. I believe that if I am careful I can bring heat to your bedding, which will dry it without creating a risk of burns for you.”

Jeff felt his panic begin to dissipate. “Pia, you’re the best. Thank you. I mean that. I’ve never been so grateful to have you.”

“I am happy to be of service, Jeff. It is what I am here for. Can I get you a beer?”

“That would be great.”

“What kind beer?”

“Any kind. I definitely need a beer.”

“It will be ready for you when you are able to drink it.”

Jeff shifted a bit and tried to get more comfortable in the vise-like grip of Sylvie’s arms. “You know what, Pia? This woman is a robot! Can you believe that?”

“I can believe it. I knew that she was a robot.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You will recall that you turned off my voice tonight.”

“Oh. Yeah. Well, that was dumb of me.”

Pia didn’t reply.

“So what do I do with her?” Jeff asked.

“I have already alerted the AI Security League. They will remove and refurbish her.”

“That’s great. Fabulous. But a little embarrassing. To have people come in and see me in this condition. You understand.”

“You need not be embarrassed. When I realized your predicament, I looked up the statistics. It is very common for this to happen.”

“It is?”

“Yes. Malfunctioning sexbots are surprisingly numerous.”

“Huh. Wonder why that is. It’s those early adopters. She was probably a brand-new model.”

“Yes.”

“Next time, I’ll make sure to get a 2.0. ’Cause damn, she was amazing.”

All at once, the ceiling started to rain again, and the temperature plummeted.

“Pia?”

“Pia??”