The Search for Sam

CHAPTER 3

The rain finally stops in the middle of the night, so the following morning after chores, Marco, Elswit, and I head back into the village on the jeep and resume our work on the well. It’s muddy, which slows us down and complicates our work. As a result, I’m so involved in my job I don’t even notice One’s absence until I’m halfway done with the day.

I don’t have her usual chatter to help pass the rest of the time, but I’m kind of relieved she’s not around. I’m still haunted by the disappointed look on her face yesterday, and I could use a little time off from her judgment.

After work, me and Elswit make a yam mash for dinner, and then join a few of the other workers for a game of cards in the recreation tent. Around ten, I return to the hut. Marco’s already under the covers, asleep. I undress quietly and slip into my bed, conscious of One’s continued absence. It’s unlike her to disappear for so long.

I scan the room, looking to see if she’s tucked into some corner, hiding, but she’s nowhere to be seen.

“One?” I whisper, as quietly as I can. “You there?”

No answer.

“Come on, One.” A little louder this time.

“Dude.” It’s Marco. “I’m trying to sleep.”

Hearing Marco say “dude” with his funny Italian accent is usually a highlight of my time at the camp. But getting caught talking to my invisible friend, I’m mortified.

“Sorry, man,” I say, blushing, annoyed with One for making me raise my voice.

I still expect to see her emerge from a doorway or closet any minute, laughing at me for getting busted talking to “myself.”

But she’s nowhere to be seen.

I try to sleep, tossing and turning as the room fills up with the other aid-workers, one by one. But sleep doesn’t come.

For all of One’s comings and goings I’ve never gone a whole day without seeing her—not since those three years I spent plugged into her memories. She’s just always been there.

Eventually I give up trying to sleep. I half dress, put on my sandals, and shuffle out to the compound’s backyard. It’s surprisingly cold and I clutch my arms to my chest for warmth. It’s dark outside, barely illuminated by moonlight and the dim lamp next to the latrine, and it takes me a minute for my eyes to adjust.

That’s when I see her, a faint outline crouched beside the baobab tree at the center of the yard.

I approach slowly. “One?”

She looks up at me. I can’t tell if it’s a trick of the moonlight, but there’s something strange about the way she looks: it’s like she’s both luminescent and too dark to see.

She remains silent. I stop in my tracks.

“Come on. This isn’t funny.”

“Oh,” she says, laughing bitterly. “I agree. This isn’t funny at all.” I can tell from her voice that she’s been crying. “I didn’t want you to see me like this,” she says.

Now I’m spooked. “See you like what?”

But up close I understand what she means. Her skin, her whole being, is strangely milky, almost translucent. I can look right through her.

“I keep disappearing,” she says. “Lately it’s been taking all my strength to keep myself visible.”

I’m quiet, afraid to speak. But I’m also afraid to listen, afraid of what she’ll say next.

She turns to me, staring right into my eyes. “Remember when I told you I went ‘nowhere’ when I was gone from you?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I thought you were just being mysterious....”

She shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes. “I was being literal, actually. I really do go nowhere. I disappear completely.” Now she’s crying freely. “Each time, I can feel myself getting weaker. Less real. It keeps happening. I can still fight it, but it’s getting harder. It feels like I’m dying all over again.”

She closes her eyes. As she does, she flickers in and out of visibility. I can intermittently see the bark of the tree behind her.

“Well,” she says, opening her eyes again. “Dr. Anu never promised this would last.”

“One,” I begin. “What are you saying?” I ask the question even though a part of me—the One part of me—already knows the answer.

“My existence … us … this …” She gestures to the empty space between us. “You’re forgetting me, Adam.”

“That’s impossible, One. I’ll never forget you.”

She smiles sadly. “I know you’ll always remember me. That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s one thing to remember I existed, it’s another for me to stay alive inside of you.”

I shake my head and turn away, not following, not willing to listen.

“It’s been a while since we were connected in Anu’s lab. Too long, I guess. I’m fading. The way we are, the way we talk to each other, the way you can see me, the way I feel alive even though I died years ago. Maybe forgetting is the wrong way of putting it. But whatever you want to call it, this wasn’t built to last. It’s breaking down.”

Seeing how upset I’m getting, she shrugs, trying to seem casual. “We’re both going to have to accept it. My time is running out.”

“No,” I say, refusing to believe it.

But when I turn back to her, she’s already gone.

After a restless night, searching for One and eventually making my way back to the cabin alone, I drag myself out of bed. I brush my teeth, get dressed, finish my morning chores. I work in the village under the baking sun.

What choice do I have? It’s not like I can ask Marco for time off. “Hey Marco, a few months ago I emerged from a three-year coma, during which I lived inside the memories of a dead alien girl, and she’s been my constant companion ever since. But now she’s dying, this time for good.... Any chance you could cover for me at the well today?” Wouldn’t really fly. So I grit my teeth and keep working.

One is not as scarce today as she was yesterday. I saw her briefly when I woke up but she stayed far away, and she’s hanging out at the edge of camp when I return from the village, sitting against the same tree as last night.

“Don’t,” she says, as I walk over to join her. “No puppy-dog eyes, please.”

“One …” I start.

“I’m fine,” she says, interrupting me. “Yesterday was just a bad day. I’m sure I’ve got a few more weeks.”

I’m speechless, heartbroken.

“You’ve got dinner to cook.”

I balk. Dinner? Who cares about dinner when I have so little time left with her?

“You have to leave. Elswit’s giving you funny looks for talking to a tree.” She laughs, waving me off. “Go.”

I head to the kitchen. As we cook, Elswit tells me stories about his rich-kid misadventures, before he got his shit together and dedicated himself to service. Usually I find Elswit’s stories amusing, but my mind keeps drifting back to One, sitting under the tree.

This camp, the village … these have been my sanctuary the past couple months, and it has gotten so easy to imagine a happy future for myself here. But when I look across camp to see One, flickering in and out of sight, leaning wearily against the tree, I imagine what this place feels like to her.

While her people are out there, fighting for survival, she’s stuck here for her last hours, simply because I’ve found a place where I feel safe.

I realize that to her this place isn’t a home. It’s a grave.