The Shadow Of What Was Lost

Chapter 30

Wirr poked at the fire with a stick, keeping a thoughtful silence.

He glanced across at the three sleeping forms lying at the edge of the flickering light. Caeden had made his excuses and retired early tonight; though apparently recovered from his sudden collapse that morning, he’d seemed a little off throughout the day. Aelric and Dezia had soon followed, leaving Wirr and Taeris on first watch.

The lack of conversation had suited Wirr. He needed time to gather himself after the madness of the past couple of days.

His thoughts, as they often did now, drifted to the friend he’d lost. Wirr forced himself to picture Davian’s face - to once again accept the accompanying pain and regret that settled heavily in his chest. He knew he should have been smarter than to shout out, to try and draw on Essence.

Unbidden, he recalled that moment. The dar’gaithin, the shouting. The desperate sprint after Caeden, back the way they had come.

Then he frowned. Since leaving Deilannis, something had been tugging at his the corners of his mind, small but insistent. This time, he realised what it was.

“What was in the building?” he asked abruptly, tone low so as not to wake the others.

Taeris blinked, shaken from a reverie of his own. “Pardon?”

Wirr leaned forward. “The building,” he repeated. “In Deilannis. You were going to go inside. You wanted something in there, but Nihim stopped you.” His frown deepened as he remembered. “You led us there, didn’t you. You knew it wasn’t the way out. Caeden even told you, but you ignored him.”

Taeris stared at Wirr for a moment. “Yes.”

Rage began to boil up inside Wirr; it was all he could do to keep his voice low. “Why? Davian and Nihim died, Taeris! My friend and your friend died because you wanted something so badly, you were willing to risk all our lives for it. So you will tell me what was in that building.” His voice was cold and hard, anger sitting just beneath the surface.

“A weapon,” said Taeris, looking more resigned than surprised at Wirr’s tone. “A weapon that was built to defeat Aarkein Devaed himself. Lost for thousands of years.” He sighed. “The time approaches, Wirr, when we may need a weapon against whatever is waiting for us in the North. So… yes. I risked lives.”

Wirr felt some of the anger drain away, but far from all of it. “And what would this weapon be?”

“I don’t know,” admitted Taeris. “That’s part of the problem. We need to know what it is, how it works, before the time comes to put it to use.”

Wirr shook his head. “You should have told us. We had a right to know,” he said furiously. “Why now? You’ve lived in Desriel for years. Why wait?”

Taeris bowed his head. “Because it was only supposed to be Nihim,” he said, voice aching.

Wirr frowned in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Taeris took a deep breath. “Before the Unseen War, Nihim was approached by an Augur, who told him he would die in Deilannis - but in the process, supposedly, of helping one of the most important men of our time. The Augur also told him – promised him! – that no-one else would die. That all others travelling with him would be safe.” He shook his head. “I thought… I thought it gave me a free pass, Wirr. Nihim insisted on coming, said it was his time. I thought that knowing he was the only one who died would give us impunity to investigate. That it was perhaps my only chance to do so safely.” He looked up. “I’m sorry.”

Wirr saw it then - the guilt that was crushing Taeris, as real and raw as his own.

It didn’t matter, though. In some ways it was worse; Wirr had been shouldering the burden of Davian’s death, when in reality that responsibility was shared.

"So you risked our lives, based on a vision an Augur told you twenty years ago. Despite knowing that their visions stopped coming to pass," he said in quiet disbelief. He stood, hands shaking, almost too angry to think. “I’m going for a walk.”

Taeris grimaced. “That’s probably not the best idea -”

“Enough, Taeris,” Wirr snarled as softly as he could. “I’ll stay nearby in case there’s trouble.”

He walked off into the darkness, the jumble of emotions that had died down since Deilannis back now, worse than ever. He’d just pushed them down before, but he knew he needed to deal with them this time.

He found a log still dry despite the damp of the evening, well away from the fire, out of earshot of the rest of the camp. He sat, staring at nothing for several long minutes.

Finally the tears began to fall. The frustration, the anger, the pain all bubbled to the surface, and he let it out, weeping harder than when he’d heard about Caladel - as he hadn’t done since he was a child, the day he’d discovered he was Gifted.

There was nothing left. Everything from the past three years, everything he’d valued, was gone forever.

He didn’t move for a long time.

It was an hour later when Wirr returned.

Taeris watched him silently, nodding as he sat down on the opposite side of the fire. Wirr stared at the other man for a long moment, then cleared his throat.

“I’m not sure I can forgive you,” he said, keeping his voice low. He held up his hand as Taeris opened his mouth. “Perhaps in time. However, I understand what you were trying to do. I understand that you thought we were safe.” He set his face in a grim mask as he leaned forward. “But the secrets have to stop here. Here and now. If you’d just explained what we were doing beforehand, we might have agreed to help. Us knowing might have changed things… we might be young, Taeris, but we’re not children. We’re on your side. You don’t need to lie to us.”

Taeris considered, then slowly inclined his head. “True. But that needs to go both ways.”

Wirr grimaced; he’d thought long and hard about this, and he knew he was just as guilty as Taeris when it came to keeping secrets. He nodded. “Very well. Allow me to start.” He rose, crossed to the other side of the fire, and extended his hand to Taeris. “I am Prince Torin Wirrander Andras.”

Taeris gave the hand a blank stare. “The son of Elocien Andras.” The shock on his face made it very hard for Wirr not to laugh.

“I am,” said Wirr, allowing himself a smile.

Taeris let out a long breath, puffing his cheeks out. “That makes no sense.”

Wirr’s smile faded, and he lowered his hand. This was not the reaction he had been expecting. “Why not?”

“Because I’ve met Elocien Andras. The man that I remember would have killed his son if he’d turned out to be Gifted.” Taeris looked Wirr in the eye. “He’s the one who sentenced me, you know.”

Wirr shrugged. “He changed. When I was growing up, he did hate the Gifted. But when he found out I was one, he wasn’t angry.” He smiled at the recollection. “I was so scared. I’d been brought up calling them Bleeders, and then to discover I was one of them… I thought he would disown me, but he didn’t. He arranged everything. The falsified trip to Calandra. Secret meetings with Athian to get me placed discreetly in a school. He risked everything for me. He was amazing.”

Taeris scratched his head. “He was a Loyalist, though. He created the Tenets,” he said in disbelief. His eyes widened as the implications struck home. "And - fates, lad. The Tenets. You’ll inherit your father’s connection to the Vessel?"

Wirr gave a small nod of affirmation.

Taeris shook his head, dazed, silent for a long moment. "Administration are not going to be very happy when they find out,” he said eventually.

“I’ve already thought of that,” observed Wirr, his tone dry.

“Of course. Of course.” Taeris looked at Wirr, still stunned, evidently reassessing him. “I assume this means you won’t be coming with us to the Tol.”

Wirr nodded. “That would be best. I’ll head for the palace with Aelric and Dezia once we reach the city. My father’s hoping to keep my abilities a secret until I’m well-established in court - maybe longer - so I’ll need to stay away from the Tol where possible, in case I’m recognised.”

“A wise choice.” Taeris looked at Wirr consideringly. “You’ve given some thought as to how you’ll change the Tenets, then?”

“I have, but I’ll think about it more when the time comes. It’s hopefully a long way off.” Wirr raised an eyebrow. “You don’t advocate removing them entirely?”

Taeris grimaced. “No.” He said nothing more on the subject.

There was silence for a while, then Wirr said, “So you knew my father?”

Taeris shook his head. “Apparently not,” he said quietly. “But I’ve met him. Spoken with him.” He didn’t look pleased at the memory.

Wirr shifted. “I remember him talking about you, you know. He didn’t tell me all the details – I got those from Karaliene, in the end – but he did say you were the perfect example of why the Treaty was necessary. Of why no Gifted could ever be trusted.” He sighed. “That was only a few months before I discovered I had the Gift.”

“I thought you were reluctant to trust me, to begin with,” Taeris admitted. “Now I understand why.”

Wirr looked at the scarred man intently. “There’s something I’ve been wondering about. The man my father was talking about, the man Karaliene described to me, was a monster. They were afraid of you, Taeris. Karaliene I can understand – but my father? If there had been some conspiracy to convict you, surely he would have known about it.”

Taeris shrugged. “Perhaps he truly believed I’d used Essence to kill those men. Any Administrator in his right mind would be afraid of someone who could break the Tenets.”

The words rang true, but there was something in Taeris' eyes when he spoke. A hesitation, a flicker of worry.

Wirr scowled. “No more secrets, Taeris. You understand the enormity of the trust I’ve placed in you by revealing mine. I won’t tell anyone, but for my own sake I need to know. I need to be able to reconcile what I was told with the man I see before me.” He leaned forward. "I saw you that night, in Thrindar. With the knife. So tell me the truth, Taeris. How did you get all those scars?"

Taeris grimaced, then after a few seconds gave a slow nod. He glanced over his shoulder to check everyone else was still asleep before he spoke.

"Very well," he said quietly. “The truth is, I was in Caladel when I saw Davian being tailed by a group of men. There weren’t any Administrators around, so I followed at a distance to make sure nothing happened to the lad. When he passed the tavern, the men grabbed him and dragged him inside.

“There was an Administrator coming out just as I went to go in. I asked him to help, but he said the boy wasn’t Gifted and so there was nothing he could do.” Taeris’ mouth curled in distaste at the memory. “So I went in. They’d already started roughing him up.”

Wirr nodded. Davian never spoke of that day – Wirr knew his friend had blocked out the memories – but from what he’d heard, Davian’s injuries had been many and severe.

“I pleaded with them to stop, but they held me down too. Told me there was nothing I could do to stop them, that by the Tenets I couldn’t take action against them.” Taeris winced. “Your friend was a brave lad. He took the punches and the kicks in silence.”

“Then one of them noticed the Mark on Davian’s arm. I don’t think it was there until the beating; I assume his body had never needed to draw enough Essence to activate the Tenets before. But once they saw it, the mood changed. They were only roughing him up a bit when they thought he was just a servant. When they saw he was Gifted….” He trailed off for a moment.

“One of the men who’d had too much to drink brought out a knife. A big man, not the kind of man any of the others would have tried to stop, even if they’d wanted to. He was screaming something about his father dying at the hands of the Augurs, and that anyone even associated with them was… diseased.” He looked sick at the memory. “He started cutting into Davian’s face. Davian was screaming, but everyone else was just watching. Silent.”

Wirr shivered. He’d always known that what Davian had been through must have been awful, but he’d never envisaged it this graphically before. “Then what happened?”

Taeris hesitated. “Then the man stopped. They all just… stopped. The ones who were holding me down let me go. The one holding the knife turned it so that the edge was against his own face and… started cutting.” He drew a deep breath. “Then we all started doing it. All at once. Those of us who didn’t have a knife went and found one from one the tables. None of us made a sound, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t agony.” He touched his cheek absently.

“Davian just stood there, watching us, the blood pouring down his face and neck onto his shirt. I could see it, though. He was doing it. He was controlling us, somehow.”

“What?” Wirr exploded. He felt his face grow red with anger. “You’re going to blame Davian for what happened?”

“You asked for the truth,” said Taeris softly, checking to see none of the others had woken. “My Reserve saved me, but everyone else died. All at the same time, just dropped to the floor; as soon as they did I could control my body again. I checked them but there was no heartbeat, no breath. Nothing. And when I went back to Davian, he’d fallen unconscious from the loss of blood.

“I had to make a choice, so I used Essence to save him. That drew the Administrators, and once they saw the bodies they wanted an explanation.” Taeris shrugged. “I knew what the penalty was going to be, regardless of how it had happened or who had done it. I was an old man already, Davian just a child. It was an easy decision to tell them the lie.”

Wirr felt a chill run down his spine. “And Davian never remembered?”

“Thank El,” murmured Taeris. “Knowing him as I came to over the past few weeks, I don’t think he would ever have forgiven himself if he’d found out.” He leaned forward. “This is important though, Wirr. I don’t believe he knew what he was doing. The look in his eyes… it was vacant. Like he wasn’t even really there. I think what he did was from a pure survival instinct, nothing more.”

Wirr gave a slow, reluctant nod. "And your scars? What I saw in Thrindar?"

Taeris sighed. "Since that day… I’ve been linked to Davian, somehow, and it’s as if there’s some remnant of that moment in my mind. I wake up sometimes and I’ve cut myself. Or I have the knife in my hand. I never remember any of it, but I’ve always been able to sense where Davian is, so it seems likely that there was some sort of connection still there. After Deilannis…." He grimaced. "It was like a pressure inside my head disappeared. Now Davian’s gone, I don’t think it’s going to happen any more."

Wirr processed what Taeris had told him. It made sense. Davian’s Augur powers had saved him, somehow. Taeris, believing the boy was meant for something more, had taken the blame.

"You finding us that night in the forest wasn’t a coincidence," he realised.

Taeris shook his head. "I was in the area because of Caeden, originally… but when I realised Davian was so close, I started tracking you. Trying to figure out why you’d come to Desriel," he admitted. He gestured to his face. "Honestly, I’d hoped he was there for me. I thought perhaps he was tracking me down so he could sever the connection. But when I realised he didn’t know what had happened, didn’t have control of his Augur abilities… well, he’d been through enough already. There didn’t seem any benefit to adding to the poor lad’s burden."

Wirr was silent for a long time.

"You did the right thing, Taeris," he said eventually.

Wirr had more questions, and he knew that Taeris probably had the same for him, but after the revelations of the evening they were both content to just sit, mulling over what they had learned. Wirr had been staring into the fire for so long that he started at a sudden tapping on his shoulder.

It was Aelric. “My turn,” he said with a tired smile. “Get some rest.”

Wirr tried to sleep, but for a long time all he could think of was Davian and what Taeris had said. For some reason, Wirr believed him, though there would be no way of ever proving the story.

His last thought before he finally slept was that he wished Davian could have known just how much Taeris had sacrificed for him.