The Stainless Steel Rat for President

Chapter 30

"Cut," Angelina said, and there were shouts of joy from all present.

"You have done it," she said, and kissed my cheek above the fuzz line. "And you have taken care of all of the voters of Tortosa as well."

"Absolutely. For our sake, as well as theirs, they are now settling down in their bedrolls in the tents outside. Safe from any retaliations from Zapilote's creatures. They will remain for the two weeks until the next election and will be handsomely paid for their little vacation. All of them seemed to enjoy the idea."

"He will ignore us," de Torres said gloomily. "He will pay no heed to the demand for another election. He has the power to do this."

"He dare not," I said. "It would ruin the planet's economy. Without the import of offworld currency his corrupt and incompetent administration would be bankrupt in a week. I have sent full details on the election to every planet supplying tourists to this world. They will be watching the result with close attention."

"Then we have won!" de Torres said, striking a victorious pose.

"Not yet," I told him. "We have still to fight the battle of the ballot boxes. But this time we will be ready. For every dirty trick he knows I know three. It will be a conflict every step of the way, but at least now we stand a chance."

It was a very busy two weeks. The official ballot boxes were manufactured and sealed under the strictest supervision. But we had little trouble extracting a sample from their warehouse in order to go into the ballot-box business for ourselves. We did the same thing with the ballots, and very quickly had printed as many as had the government presses. I didn't know what kind of dirty tricks they would be trying, so we had to be ready for everything and anything that might come our way.

Nor were we being tardy on the organizational front. Jorge, once a tourist guide and now in charge of our recruiting campaign, had flying squads visiting every polling district. Local volunteers were formed into secret committees, then issued with scrambler radios so we could be in constant touch with all of them. Campaign brochures poured forth from printing presses right around the planet, and we saw to it that there were two news bulletins on radio and television every night. First came the lying government one—then ours followed immediately afterwards. We kept the news factual and accurate and free of political bias. That was enough—it was a breath of fresh air after the drivel that had proceeded it. We knew that their technicians were doing everything they could to jam or trace our signals. To no avail. Freedom of information had come to the planet. If the ballot could be kept relatively honest Zapilote's regime was surely doomed.

We had real proof of this when the government car approached our perimeter defenses on day eleven, just three days before the election. It was stopped by the guards who put a call through to me.

"Excuse me. Sir Hector, but the party in the car will speak to no one but you."

"What's the security status?"

"Detectors reveal only small arms. No bombs, no radiation devices of any kind. One passenger in the back, a driver and guard in the front."

"Sounds good so far. Who is the passenger?"

"We can't tell. The windows are opaqued."

"Let them through. I don't think we'll have any trouble looking after them."

Nor did we. The car was stopped among the trees well away from the castle. Rodriguez and Bolivar had a squad with them; they had the two men who were in the front of the car disarmed and whisked away within seconds. I strolled into sight and looked at the dark windows. I was quite relaxed, possibly because of my superior combat ability, but truthfully because of the portable force field generator that protected me.

"You can come out now," I said.

The door slowly opened and Zapilote poked his head through, then climbed down.

"What an unexpected pleasure," I said.

"None of that nonsense, Harapo. I'm here to talk business." He reached behind him in the car and removed a metal box. When he turned back with it in his hand my pistol was trained between his little beady eyes.

"Put that away, you moron," he snarled. "I'm not here to try to kill you." He threw a switch on the box and it began to hum loudly. "This is a white noise generator. It blacks out any kind of recording equipment and sets up air tremor patterns that make photography and lipreading impossible. I want no record of this conversation to exist."

"Fine by me." I put the gun away. "What do you want?"

"A deal. You're the only person in a hundred and seventy years that ever gave me a fight. I appreciate that. It was getting kind of boring."

"Not to the people you had beaten to death."

"None of that liberal hogwash for the masses. There are just the two of us here now. You don't care about the microcephalic mob any more than I do…"

"What makes you say that?" The conversation was beginning to get interesting.

"Because you are a politician, that's why. The only thing politicians care about is getting elected, then re-elected. You have stood up to me and made your point. It's now time for us to get together and make a deal. I'm not going to live forever, you know…"

"That's the best news I have heard yet!"

He ignored me and pressed on.

"My geriatric shots aren't having the same effect that they used to. I may have to retire one of these days. So I'm thinking of bringing someone along to take my place. And that person is you. How's that for an offer?" He started to cough and had to grope in his pocket for a pill. It was a great offer. On his terms it was incredible indeed. He had built a political machine and had taken over the planet completely. And he was offering me a share in it—and a future of controlling it. It was a magnificent offer.

"And what will I have to trade off for this job?"

"Don't be stupid. You lose the election. You take a dive. And after that you stay in politics in opposition to me. Everyone thinks that you are the greatest thing since they invented sex, so all the bleeding-heart liberals flock to your cause. You organize them and see that they don't do any harm. Of course you let us know who the real revolutionaries are so we can dispose of them. This system will last a thousand years. It's a deal, right?"

"Wrong. And I know that I am going to have a job explaining to you exactly why. You see I believe in the one man one vote system…"

"Ha, ha!"

"Equality before the law…"

"Come off it!"

"Free speech, habeas corpus, no taxation without representation…"

"Do you have a fever, Harapo? Just what the hell are you talking about?"

"I said that you wouldn't understand. So let me put it on your terms. I want all the loot and I want it now. I want all the money, all the power, all the women. I intend to kill anyone who gets in my way. Do you understand?"

Zapilote sighed and nodded his head and snuffled. "I'm an old man and I get emotional when I hear talk like that. Reminds me of me at your age. I need you on my team, Harapo. Say you'll join me!"

"I'll kill you first."

"Really wonderful. Just what I would have done." He turned and climbed slowly back into the car. Before he closed the door he looked at me again, sighed and shook his head. "I can't wish you good luck. But I can say that meeting you has been a great emotional experience. I know that after I go my work will be carried on by someone who understands me, who thinks like I do." The door slammed and I signaled for the return of the other two men. I watched as they climbed in, then drove away.

"What was all that about?" Bolivar asked.

"He offered me the world. A partnership now, and the whole works after he was dead."

"You said yes?"

"My dear son! I may be a crook but I'm not a criminal. It's the Zapilotes in this universe who have to go. The little men with the big contempt for mankind. I may rob a man of his wealth but I would never take away his life or his freedom. In fact I don't rob people of their wealth. I rob corporations, companies, those bloated and insensate creatures that lock up our wealth…"

"Dad—I've heard the lecture."

"Right. Let's get back to the castle. I want to wash my hands and get a drink. I don't like the company I have just been keeping."