The Street Where She Lives

CHAPTER NINETEEN

RACHEL LAY SIDEWAYS on the bed, her head hanging off, and a heavy weight on her chest that turned out to be Ben.

With a groan, Ben lifted his head. “Did you ID whatever hit us?”

“Don’t worry, it’s on its way to Africa.” It came out of her mouth before she could think, and of course, she regretted it immediately. “Ben…”

“No. It’s okay.” He rolled to his side, putting a hand flat on her belly to hold her to the bed. His fingers danced over her skin, and even now, when she should be sated and limp as a noodle, he drew shivers with his touch. “I can’t change, Rachel.”

“Because you’re too stubborn? Or too old?”

While he pondered that, she pushed his hand away and sat up. Forcing her boneless legs to function, she got off the bed in search of her clothes.

Which, apparently, they’d lost far before the bedroom, as there wasn’t a single item to be found.

“Here.” He came up behind her with her robe, then turned her to face him, his eyes filled with so much pain she could hardly look at him. Try my pain on for size, she wanted to cry, but she fisted her hands rather than beat them over his chest. He was a grown man, and she wouldn’t beg. She wouldn’t even ask. “I can take Em to L.A. tomorrow. You can catch an earlier flight out. Tonight, if you’d like.”

“I have one last night,” he said in a low voice. “Don’t take it from me.”

You could have an infinite number of nights if you’d but ask. Pride made her push instead. “I wouldn’t take a thing from you, Ben Asher.”

“But you’d see me go early?”

She stared up at him, the lie backing up in her throat, but it was far too late to save her heart. She’d long ago lost it-to the only man she’d ever given it to. The very man standing in front of her, stricken, lost. Alone.

Of his own making, she reminded herself. “Yes, I’d see you go early.”

“No,” he said in such a low voice she almost missed it. “But I’ll stay out of your way.”

“Fine.”

“Goodbye, Rachel.”

She didn’t answer, and Ben had no idea if that was because she didn’t know how or she didn’t care.

Once, he’d wondered if anything could hurt as much as losing her all those years ago, and now, as he walked out of her room, he had his answer.

This hurt as much. This hurt worse. His insides shattered along with his heart and soul, and as he entered his bedroom and grabbed his duffel bag out from under the bed to pack it, everything within him rebelled.

This trip had been temporary, he reminded himself. He’d wanted temporary, he lived for temporary.

But that had been before. Before he’d gotten to know Emily as a father should. Before he’d lived the actual little details of everyday life and found them not nearly as tedious as he’d imagined them.

Before, the urge to move around had consumed him, but somehow that urge had vanished, and in its stead came a different yearning all together. A yearning for a place to call his own. A home.

Too bad you’ve blown it, Ace. He started tossing his things into his duffel bag, knowing that by tomorrow night he’d be fifteen thousand miles away from the bed Rachel had kicked him out of.

Out of her bed and out of her heart. He deserved it, he supposed, both for being who he was and for bringing her the danger in the first place. Resigned to his fate, he zipped his bag closed.

RACHEL STAYED in her robe trying to console herself with an extralarge bag of assorted baby chocolate bars. Halfway through her own private pity party, she called Melanie on her cell. “Aren’t you done shopping yet?”

“My credit card is still working. Why?”

“I’ve eaten a pound of chocolate and it’s not helping.”

“What’s the matter?”

She opened her mouth to say…Gracie. Emily. Everything. “Ben,” she said, and burst into tears.

“Oh, honey, I’ll be there in five minutes.”

YOUR FAULT, Melanie told herself as she drove around Rachel’s block searching for a parking spot. You messed with her head, and now you’re responsible for hurting the only person who ever truly cared about you.

And all this time she’d thought she hated Garrett for making her feel so rotten to the core, when it was herself she hated. All her life she’d skated through without caring about anyone or anything too much. Somehow that had slowly started to change.

It was hard work, caring. And so far, she didn’t see any rewards for it.

Finally, she found a parking spot and ran into the house. It was quiet. “Rachel?” Moving through the rooms, she started to panic until she caught sight of her sister in the backyard. Stepping through the glass doors of the living room, she waved.

Her sister, sitting on the grass with the puppy in her lap, stuffed what appeared to be a chip loaded with cheese into her mouth and didn’t wave back. “You didn’t have to stop shopping just because I’m drowning in stupidity,” she said.

Mel plopped down next to her and tried not to picture what the grass would do to her silk dress. “You’ve never been stupid. You’ve been crying?”

“Sugar overload. I’ve moved on to straight fat calories.” She gestured to an almost empty plate of nachos sitting next to her.

“All because of a man?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. A man has nothing to do with this.”

“Liar.”

Rachel’s head jerked up at that, but after a beat, her shoulders sagged in defeat. “He’s going tomorrow. Right after dinner in Los Angles with Emily and her new friend. Just hopping on a plane and leaving. Again.”

“Did you tell him to go? Again?”

Something close to guilt flashed across Rachel’s face and Melanie shook her head. “You did.”

“What does it matter?”

“Because he loves you. Jeez, you’re as big an idiot as I am. He loves you,” she repeated to her now pale sister, thinking Garrett should see her now, the jerk. She was willingly being…good. “He’s always loved you, but because of how he grew up, you know damn well he’d never stay where he thinks he’s not wanted.”

“What?” Suddenly Rachel looked like a good wind could knock her over. “What did you just say?”

“Oh, God, this do-good thing is going to kill me,” she muttered to the sky.

“Ben doesn’t love me.”

“Have you seen the man look at you? Please. He’s got stars in his eyes, okay? He came across the entire world for you, dropping everything, and once here, even with his job waiting and his entire soul yearning to be wild and free, he stayed. God, Rachel, he stayed. For you. You know what that cost a man like him? Do you have any idea?”

Rachel just stared at her. “How did you know about how he grew up?”

“Everyone knew.”

“I didn’t,” she whispered. “I didn’t know details until recently, when he finally told me.”

“Yeah, well, don’t take this wrong, sis, but you’re not real big on opening up or getting other people to do the same.”

“I should have tried harder.”

“Why? You were either in bed with him or in denial over how you felt. Black and white, that’s always been you, Rach.” She watched agony cross her sister’s face and sighed. “Look, help me do the right thing here. I encouraged you off him before and I was wrong. Flat, dead wrong. And…” Ah, damn it all to hell. “Rach…there’s more. All those years when I took Emily to him? I never once saw him with another woman.”

“But you said-”

“I know, I said he’d become a slut. I lied. And-” She bit her lip, all that guilt she never let herself feel swamping her now. “And he always asked about you. Always.”

“He…” Rachel looked stunned. And hurt. Slowly she shook her head. “I don’t get it. Why would you lie to me?”

Truth, Melanie. “I told you, I wanted to be happy first. And…um…while I’m being honest, I should also tell you I sort of had one wild night with your neighbor.” She lifted a hand when Rachel went even more pale. “I promise you, it was a horrible lapse in judgment.”

“Garrett?”

“Remember last New Year’s Eve? You went to bed early, and I…didn’t. I went looking for trouble in a bar on Sixth, and he was there… God, I don’t know how it happened exactly. But we never again, not once.”

“I…see.”

Her sister had put that quiet voice on, and her eyes had cleared of all emotion. Damn, she was good at it, too.

“So you wanted me with Adam because that would make me only a little happy, and you could be happier than me and feel better about yourself.” She nodded. “In some twisted way I actually understand that. And not telling me about Garrett, well…that’s your business, I suppose. But Mel, what I don’t understand is lying about Ben.”

“Yeah, join the club.” She scrubbed her hands over her face. “Look, Rach, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

“But you did. When you told me those things about Ben, I believed you, and it changed how I thought about him for years. Years, Mel. What you did was incredibly selfish.”

“Yes.” Okay, this was not going as smooth as she’d hoped. “But in all fairness, that’s really nothing new, right?” She tried a smile.

Rachel didn’t return it.

“I’m trying to make it right,” Mel whispered. “I’m trying to fix things.”

“You can’t always do that.”

“Rach-”

“Okay, stop.” She put her fingers to her temples. “You know what? I just need to think. I need to be alone.”

Her chest feeling restricted, Mel nodded. “All right, I’ll just go inside-”

“No. I think you should go home.” Then she turned away.

Rachel couldn’t help it, she was reeling. Mel had tried to sabotage her happiness. That was really nothing new or shocking. But that her sister of all people had come up with an astute, accurate and horrifying reason for Ben walking away from her. Twice.

And Rachel had missed it. How she had was beyond her.

Of course Ben was extremely sensitive to not staying where he wasn’t wanted-he’d grown up that way.

Of course he’d walk away without looking back if someone said to go. No one had ever cared if he’d stayed or gone, not ever.

She’d been trying so desperately to protect herself from hurt, and in doing so she’d hurt the one person who truly, unconditionally loved her. That ugly truth would haunt her forever.

And yet she had no idea, no idea at all, how to fix it.

MELANIE RACED through Rachel’s house like the devil himself was on her heels, emotions flogging her with every step-remorse, anger, humiliation, regret… Without Rachel’s forgiveness, her entire world had splintered.

Go home.

Well, damn it, she didn’t have a home, she had a leased condo she could no longer afford, with someone else’s furniture in it, and someone else’s tastes on the walls. Unlike Rachel, who’d taken from their childhood a need to settle and had followed through with that need, Melanie had done nothing for herself. She hadn’t really cared to.

By the time she slammed out the front door, her throat was closed, her heart shriveled, and she could hardly see for the tears pooling in her eyes, the tears she refused to let fall.

She took a step toward her car, or at least that’s the message her brain signaled to her body, but suddenly she found herself running, running like hell across the neighboring lawn and up to the front door there, knocking with three bold knocks.

After a moment, Garrett answered. He wore trousers and an open shirt exposing a wedge of hard chest spattered with dark hair, a chest she knew to be warm and perfectly capable of holding her weight while she burrowed in.

“Melanie,” he said with surprise.

She took one look into his face, with his dark, passionate eyes and wide, firm mouth that always, always, spoke the truth, no matter what, and did the most horrifying thing.

She burst into tears and covered her face.

A steady hand settled on her elbow, just a simple, comforting touch. It made her fall apart even more, and her breath hitched in her chest as she continued to sob, utterly unable to stop.

“Are you coming in?” His other hand came up to steady her as well. “Yes or no, sweetheart. You come in and we deal with this, all of it, or you run off again. You make the call.”

“I can’t…”

“Yes or no,” he repeated quietly.

“Yes!”

He drew her in. She heard the door shut, but resisted when he tried to pull her close because though her feet had brought her here, she still didn’t feel like she deserved his sympathy.

“Come here,” he said, and ran his hands up and down her spine, not grabbing her butt, not trying to cop a feel, just…holding her.

She couldn’t remember a time when a man had offered her such simple comfort, wanting nothing in return. Or if she’d ever wanted one to. But she wanted that now, so much. Gripping his shirt in her fists, she buried her face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent, wetting his skin, feeling soothed by the steady beat of his heart beneath her ear. She had no idea how long they stood there, with buckets of her tears falling at their feet, the sounds of her crying muffled by his shoulder and the occasional wordless murmur he made as he held her.

Eventually she ran out of steam, which left her drained and weary. His hand swept back up her spine, gently stroking the back of her neck, before sinking his fingers into her hair to tug her face up. “Better?”

She sniffed, and for once didn’t care that her mascara was probably all over her face or that she needed to blow her nose. “Yes,” she said, marveling that it was true.

He led her through his living room to his kitchen, where he sat her at a bar stool and poured a glass of water for her parched throat. When she’d taken a long sip, he sat next to her. Reaching for her hand, he brought it up to his mouth. “Talk to me.”

She stared at him, feeling goose bumps rise on her arms from nothing more than the feel of his mouth on her palm. Lust, yes, but good God, this was more than any simple lust she’d ever felt. “Garrett…” She let out a surprised little laugh. “I can’t think with your mouth on me.”

“That’s new,” he said, and set her hand back on the counter.

“Yeah…no,” she corrected, and nervously licked her lips. She was anxious, she realized. With a man. She was never anxious with a man. “It’s not new. I’ve felt this way around you for a long time, I just couldn’t admit it to myself, much less you.”

His eyes lit with such emotion she could hardly breathe. “Can you tell me why you’re here? Why you came to me?”

“Because you’re the only one I wanted to come to.” Every time she spoke, revealing another little truth she’d kept to herself, it was like lifting a brick off her heart. “You were right before.”

“Really? About what?”

“That I was hurting Rachel. That I did it because I wanted a little tiny bit of what I saw in her eyes. Some of that happiness.” She put a hand on her heart as it hitched. “I didn’t know I had to get it from within me.”

“Have you found that happiness?”

“I’m not sure,” she answered honestly, and another brick came off her chest. “I went to Rachel, tried to tell her how sorry I was…it didn’t go well. I was running away, you know. Running home, but then I realized, I don’t have one. And then I ended up here.” She looked into his eyes. One more brick fell away. “I wanted to be with you all along. I was just terrified of that wanting. Oh, Garrett.” She reached for his hand and squeezed, hoping to God she wasn’t too late.

He cupped her cheek. “Are you talking love?”

She held her breath, then let it out slowly, no longer willing to cajole, coax or lie. Not ever again. “I don’t really know the meaning of the word. I was thinking…” She stared at his fingers.

“Yes?”

What was it about him that gave her such strength, such hope? She looked into his eyes. “Maybe you could help me out with that.”

His smile was slow and full and filled her with such hope it hurt to breathe. “How’s this for a start? I love you, Melanie Wellers. I love you with everything I’ve got. That means that I think of you night and day, and being with you makes me feel alive. I want you happy. Do you think that could work for you, love in that context?”

“Oh, yes,” she gasped, starting to cry again. “And in that context, Garrett, I can honestly say…I love you back.”

“Be sure,” he said a little huskily now, getting off the stool to stand between her legs. He slid his hands into her hair. “Because I play for keeps.”

“For keeps is good,” she whispered, and reached up for a kiss to seal the deal.