The Tantric Principle

Chapter Seven

Arianna laughed at her team members as they hummed Chicago around the conference table. She looked down at the farewell cake with a Rosebud garter belt discreetly tattooed around the edge. “Funny, guys, real funny. At least you remembered to make it chocolate.” She cut large pieces of the sugary treat and passed them around. Conversation revolved around work accounts, football season, and raunchy jokes. Tim handed her a glass of champagne from a cheap plastic glass. “Drink up, boss. You won’t get much free time once you hit Chicago.”

“Hmm, I’m already burning the hours on my smart phone and videoconferencing to get a leg up.”

“How’s yoga guy?”

She shot him a glare. “Good.”

“Hmmm.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Tim threw up his hands in defense. “Nothing, just wondering. Are you guys gonna do the long distance thing?”

The wound throbbed, but she forked up a piece of cake and soothed it. “Nope. We’re making a clean break.”

Tim brightened. “I think that’s for the best.”

She stared at him with suspicion. “You’ve never been so interested in my love life before, Tim. What’s up?”

He shrugged. “I was worried about you. Sanders picked you for one reason. I didn’t want you to make the wrong decision.”

Unease settled low in her gut. Arianna didn’t want to ask the question, but like a train wreck unfolding before her gaze, she stepped on the track. “What are you talking about? What reason?”

“Come on, Arianna, it’s no secret you practically live, eat and breathe this job. You’ve slept on the conference room couch to meet a deadline. Sanders had a few people to pick from, but they all had families or girlfriends. No one had the killer instinct to give everything over to the job. But you did.”

The truth sunk in slowly but steadily, just like the Titanic. “He picked me because I had no other commitments? That was the deciding factor?” Tim laughed, obviously not aware of her distress. “Crap, Arianna, it was your work, too.

You’ve got the talent. But Sanders needs someone with drive who will make G&B their life. You fit the bill perfectly. That’s why I got nervous when you started spending so much time with yoga guy. Hell, a few nights during the week you actually left the office on time. The guy even came to visit the office. That never happened before, so I thought you could be thinking about doing something stupid.”

“Like?”

“Like giving up the promotion for him. But you’re as smart as I always knew you were.

You kicked him to the curb and now the possibilities are endless. Sanders has his eye on you for partner. Just make sure you bring me with you. Don’t forget me on the climb to the top.” Someone shouted his name and he turned from her. Arianna watched the other team members eat cake and laugh and drink champagne. The truth struck hard and deep while she watched the bubbles lie flat in her glass.

Her talent wasn’t the only thing that got her this promotion.

Seems her lack of anything else in life was a primary factor to reach the pinnacle of success. The knowledge killed something deep inside of her. She felt the shift, but refused to analyze it any further.

She raised her glass and drank.

Arianna walked into the studio. Sunlight streamed through the open windows and soaked the wood to a golden gleam. People mingled in groups along tables which held cage after cage of dogs and cats. Both human and canine voices rang through the air in the early morning hours.

The Yoga for Rescue Animals Walkathon was in full swing.

Arianna made her way through the vast crowds to her assigned pet and spoke with the shelter’s representative. She leaned over to peek in and her gaze clashed with a pair of brown soulful eyes surrounded by a mat of white fur. Those eyes spoke to Arianna immediately. They were eyes that held a rough past. Eyes that gleamed with need and a tiny bit of despair. Eyes that didn’t want to give up.

She took a deep breath and reached in.

“Her name is Cloud,” the representative told her. Arianna nodded and felt her throat tighten as her hands clasped warm, soft fur. “She’s very gentle so you don’t have to worry. She needs a lot of TLC since her ordeal, so if you want to cuddle her, walk her, and then feed her we’d appreciate it.” The rep smiled cheerfully. “Of course, we’re hoping you fall in love and adopt her.”

Arianna lowered her head and placed a kiss on the top of Cloud’s furry head. She felt the dog stiffen, then snuggle into her with a sigh of relief. She walked with her bundle out the studio door and onto the grounds.

Students milled around with their dogs in groups, laughing and sharing pet stories.

Leashes and cages and bowls and toys scattered the once pristine lawn. A lively game of catch with a drippy tennis ball took place across the field. Arianna settled her back against an old oak tree and let Cloud get her bearings. Her gaze scanned her surroundings, but she didn’t see Grant.

She figured he’d be crazed at this point, trying to organize both students and shelter representatives, along with the huge crowd of onlookers.

Arianna tried to interest her adoptee with a toy bone and a squeaky toy. Both were ignored for the comfort of her lap. Cloud settled herself comfortably in the warm notch between her legs. Her head rested on her thigh with sheer canine delight. With a soft mutter of pleasure, she closed her eyes and took a nap in the morning sun. With a deep sense of peace, Arianna leaned her head against the trunk and let herself nap with her temporary dog.

Grant took long legged strides through the organized chaos, mentally checking off his list of things to do. The event was a big success, and he hoped the advertising brought in new clients and the crowds adopted all the animals. He had been looking for Arianna, but her burgundy hair remained elusive in the crowds. He waved at some students and made his way to the front door.

Then saw her.

Woman and dog rested against the bark of a tree in utter silence, as if wrapped up in a bubble. Grant watched the couple take an early snooze, seemingly separate from the noise and waves of laughter that echoed through the breeze. Silky dark cinnamon strands fell around her cheeks and obscured her face. Long legs encased in jeans cuddled a white blob of fur that seemed quite content, one paw casually flipped over her knee as if to claim her. She rubbed the back of the dog in unconscious tenderness, a tenderness he received over and over whenever she took him into her bed. With a blinding flash, he watched the flickering images of his life play before him in slow motion. Marriage. House. Dog. Baby.

Love.

He longed to ask her to stay. Knew when she walked away from him he’d live with regret till the end of his days. She was everything he’d ever wanted in a woman. A whole heart. A gutsy soul. A sharp mind and a clever mouth and a gentle smile.

As if sensing his presence, her eyes fluttered open and she turned his gaze to meet his.

Then smiled.

He smiled back, his heart in a vise. Then walked toward her. “Hey, babe. Did you replace me already?”

“Not unless I changed teams. She’s a girl. Meet Cloud.” He leaned down and scratched the dog’s head, then under her chin while she made pleasant doggy sounds. “She looks happy.” He paused. “So do you.” She opened her mouth to say something, then seemed to think better of it. “I always wanted a dog. We had a sheep dog back in Iowa and leaving him was as hard as leaving my parents.”

“Why didn’t you get one?” he asked.

Her face suddenly turned melancholy. “I couldn’t offer a dog anything. I work evenings and weekends. It wouldn’t be fair.” She shook off the emotion and looked up. “How about you?

Animal lover?”

“Huge. Dog fan. Grew up with a dog most of my life, and ended up leaving my last one back in Chicago with my ex-wife. Like you, it hurt almost as much to leave the dog.”

“And now?”

“Just like you. I put everything into the school and don’t want to feel guilty. I needed to be selfish for a while.”

The words lay between them and pulsed with hidden meaning. Grant was happy. Had been happy for a while, until a witchy siren floated into class and stole his peace. Suddenly, he wanted a dog again. He wanted her to stay. He wanted a life of permanence and white picket fences and an herb garden. Jesus, what was wrong with him?

Almost angrily, he stood up. “I have a lot to take care of. Enjoy Cloud. I’ll hook up with you later.” He turned and strode away.

Arianna watched him go with a mix of emotions she didn’t want to name. Since the night of his confession, she remained distant. She slept in his bed every night and went to class, but struggled to keep the deepest part of herself separate. Because she knew he could destroy her. He already had with those cleverly thought out words. She loved his honesty, but realized he may not feel as deeply about her, at least not enough to want to make their relationship permanent.

A shadow fell over her, interrupting her thoughts.

Missy and another student, Hannah, stood before her, smiling. “Hi, Arianna,” Missy greeted. “Who is this cutie pie?”

Unease danced down her spine, but she answered casually. “This is Cloud. How are you guys? Did you get a pet of your own yet?”

Missy and Hannah didn’t wait for an invitation but plopped down on the grass beside her as if they were close friends. “We have cats for the day. I may keep mine, my apartment is pretty conductive to animals. How about you?”

“We’ll see.”

“You work a lot though, don’t you? Long hours. Advertising, isn’t it?” Arianna held back a groan at Missy’s pretend interest. This was going to be bad. Very bad. Arianna prayed for yoga strength to hold her temper. Or at least not curse. “Yes, I work in advertising. You’re still taking classes to be something, right?” Direct hit. Missy liked to flaunt her youthful body, but not her mind. At least, not until it settled on a career. “I’ve actually decided I may be branching out to teaching.” White teeth gleamed like pearls caught in the nasty grip of an oyster. “In fact, Grant has agreed to bump me into the teaching classes as soon as I get certified. I could be his assistant.” Arianna steered clear of that one and decided to exit. “That’s nice. Well, I better get going and—“

“Arianna, don’t go yet." Hannah jumped in as her role of wingwoman. "We wanted to ask you a few questions. How’d you do it?”

She blinked. “Do what?”

Hannah leaned in. “You know, finally get to Grant. Missy has been trying forever, and he has a really strict code about dating his students. He told both of us that and always seemed to live by the code. Until you.” Hannah licked her lips in lusty anticipation of a story. “So, what did you do?”

Arianna knew the conversation was taking a nosedive. Fast. Soon Missy would be eating concrete if she didn’t get out. “Nothing mysterious. Just had dinner one night and decided to continue. I really better go—“

“But he never goes out with students,” Missy insisted. “All of the other girls in class are shocked. Why did he break the rules for you? I mean, I’m glad you guys have something nice, but it’s thrown the class off a bit. No one feels comfortable anymore.” Temper bit her like a moody pit bull. Arianna straightened and decided to take them out.

Her voice rivaled an ice cube. “I’m sorry you feel uncomfortable, but it’s no one’s business.

Students should be concentrating on the class and learning, not getting the instructor into bed.” Hannah and Missy gasped in unison.

“Furthermore, Grant Madison does not date young girls in college who don’t know who they are yet. He respects you too much. I would advise you take advantage of his teaching skills and friendship, and stop gossiping about his personal life. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take Cloud for a walk. After all, that’s what we’re here for today, right?” Arianna took her dog and left the couple sitting under the tree.

She was so fucked.

And not in a good way.

The studio fell silent.

Arianna waited until the slam of the door stopped echoing and made her way to Grant’s office. He sat at his desk, staring sightlessly at the piles of paper. His hair fell loose around his shoulders, the ebony strands gleaming in the low light. The official school t-shirt in black and gold molded to his carved chest muscles, accenting the endless inky depths of his eyes and his craggy features. She stood framed in the doorway and waited.

His casual tone contradicted his face. “She quit the school.” Arianna held back a knowing sigh and nodded. “I figured.”

“I told her to think about it. I talked to her in a calm, reasonable manner. I explained our relationship had absolutely nothing to do with the school, but she used my own rejection of her against me.”

“When she made a pass at you, you originally told her you didn’t date students. It was your code.”

“Yep. She said I couldn’t be trusted as a teacher. Hannah will quit next. She’s Missy’s best friend.”

“Shit.”

“That about covers it.”

Silence fell between them. Arianna struggled to contain her own emotions and fought the urge to touch him. A mountain stood between them and she didn’t know how to scale it. “Are you pissed at me?”she asked.

A laugh escaped his lips. He finally looked up. “No, of course not. This isn’t your fault.”

“It kind of is. If we hadn’t started an affair and let the news go public, you wouldn’t have lost students.”

He seemed uncomfortable with the train of thought. “I was the one who decided to tell Missy the truth. I’m sure it won’t be a big deal. Hannah and Missy may leave, but none of the other students will have a problem.”

Arianna decided to push his comfort zone. “I think Missy and Hannah will do their best to whisper in everyone else’s ear. Missy is mad you didn’t break the rules for her. Hannah will follow. She could decide to open up her own classes and smear your name. Steal your students.” Now, he seemed flat out annoyed. “Why are you making more out of this? Did you want to aggravate Missy? Did you want her to quit because you were jealous?” Bingo.

“Is that what you think?”

“I don’t know what to think!” Grant raked his hair back with his fingers. “I don’t know what’s going in that head of yours.”

“Why don’t you just admit you’re freaking out? The past is back. The secret affair, the students leaving, all of your hot buttons. And I’m the cause. Why don’t you just end it right now? I’m leaving anyway. Why risk what you’ve built for two more weeks of sex?” He pushed himself out of the chair and faced her with full fledged masculine temper. His muscles clenched. Dark eyes shot furious sparks of aggression across the room. Violence and attraction mingled in a horrifying and exciting reaction. Arianna was done playing with him.

Gloves were off and they were stepping up to the major leagues. No more Tee ball.

“What the hell are you trying to do?” he asked quietly. A gleam of warning shone from his eyes.

“Make you tell the truth. You can breathe and pretend to be calm all you want. You can accept the situation and give her a warm send off full of love and best wishes. But she screwed you, just like your ex-wife once did. You’re scared and you don’t want to admit it.” He took a step toward her. “Listen, Arianna, you may be a great student but I’ve been studying yogic principles for years. Just because I choose not to get angry or lose my temper, doesn’t mean I’m denying my feelings.”

“Nice speech. You just happen to be full of shit.”

A low growl escaped his lips and excitement fluttered down her spine. Arianna knew she needed to push him past his comfort zone. She needed to know if this was real between them, or just a convenience until she left. Would he be willing to risk his school for a short affair about to end? Or did she mean more?

She refused to analyze why it was so important to know Grant’s true feelings right now, tonight, but her gut twisted and she always went with her instinct. Instinct had sold accounts over and over. Instinct had gotten her out of Iowa and to the top of her game.

Instinct would hopefully give her the truth.

Arianna flung her head back to glare up at him in her own feminine temper. “You talk about letting go, but you live for control. Control the students. Control your love life. Everyone and everything has a neat and tidy compartment, and if it doesn’t fit, you get rid of it. Or at least, the thought of it.”

Grant reached her. His fingers bit into her upper arms and his face lowered inches from her own. “Who are you to talk?” he shot out. “I never wanted this. Every frikkin' day I had to put my hands on you, knowing you wanted me. I was up front from the beginning and you signed on for the rules of this affair. Hell. You never asked me for more.” The truth stung. Arianna got in his face like a boxer taunting his opponent. “Maybe I was waiting for you to give me an indication we were more. Why bother telling Missy the truth in the first place? Go on. Run after Missy and her sidekick and tell her you were wrong, that we’re over. Then you can have your nice little life back.”

“I don’t want my old life back,” he shot back. “I’m sick of hiding behind a code of ethics I don’t believe in anymore.”

“Ethics?” she taunted. “What ethics? You toss around this code like it means something.

It’s a convenient excuse not to get involved with anyone who interests you and deal with the consequences.”

“Enough.”

“I’m done here. We’re done, as you’ve made abundantly clear. Go after your students, Grant.”

“I said enough.”

He stamped his mouth over hers in a testosterone temper. His tongue thrust between her lips in punishment, threatening to pull her over into the raw sexual energy that thrummed between them. Her core dampened and pulsed in readiness. Her breasts tingled for his fingers and mouth and teeth, but she fought back the drugging feeling and pushed him away.

“No, damnit, no sex until we settle this. Why are you so angry at me? What do you really want?”

“This.”

He thrust his hand under her yoga pants, under her panties, and sunk in to her wet heat. A moan escaped as his fingers dove deep, immediately bringing her to the edge. She pushed against his shoulders but he was like a rock, holding her against the door while he punished her, half in excitement, half in anger.

“Grant, no.”

“Grant, yes.”

His mouth took hers again and she fell under his spell, reaching for his erection, wanting to feel him inside of her, completing her. She bit his lower lip in rebellion, and he caught her tongue and pulled her in, his musky scent of lemon and soap and male hunger swamping her senses.

He ripped down his pants and allowed her one moment to breathe. She clung to the moment with the fierceness of survival and pushed him back hard.

Grant stumbled. His brows lowered in a warning frown. “Don’t.”

“No, you don’t! “

“What’s going on here? This is what you want, right? I’m willing to take the hit with my students because of my feelings for you. I don’t want to hide, I don’t want to make excuses anymore, and I want to be with you. Why are we stopping?”

“You’re angry with me.”

He muttered something under his breath. “No, I’m frustrated and I want you. Come here.”

“No, you’re angry with me, Grant. Goddamnit. Why are you angry with me?”

“Because you’re leaving!”

Silence descended.

His breath came out slightly ragged. His announcement rang with finality between them.

Her eyes widened as she watched the truth suddenly evident in his face. He loved her. He may not have said the words, but he wanted her to stay. The road forked before her. She knew what path to take. The only path available. Move to Chicago and one day she’d find someone else. Someone who was a forgery for the man who’d complete her soul.

This was the last step in her master plan for her future. She must take the promotion. If she turned away this career opportunity, she turned her back on everything she always wanted and believed in. Everything that defined her and everything she fought so hard to have, even at her parent’s expense.

The conversation with Tim flashed in her mind. She opened her mouth and said the words. “Ask me to stay.”

Shock gleamed in dark eyes as he stared at her. Arianna suddenly knew the truth. She wanted to stay. She wanted to take a chance with him and build a life together. All she needed was a sign. A sign he would try. Arianna realized in that moment she was not making a sacrifice for Grant Madison. She would never wonder what could be, because this was her moment, and her decision. She wanted to make a choice for herself.

“Arianna.” Her name was a broken whisper in the quiet of the room. She closed the distance between them and reached for him. Dragged his head downward, her mouth on his, giving herself in sweet abandon without any apology. She let him take it all, the open vulnerability and the evident feelings she had.

She was in love with Grant Madison.

His lips molded to hers, his musky taste swept through her in a familiar welcome she didn’t want to live without. She drank deeply from his mouth, then slowly broke away. His forehead rested against hers, his large hands cupping her cheeks as they both caught their breath.

She gave the rest to him freely.

“I love you. I don’t want to move to Chicago and take this promotion. I want to stay and give us a shot. But I don’t know how you feel.” She paused and lifted her chin, meeting his gaze dead on. Her voice dropped. “Ask me stay, Grant.”

Grant looked at the woman before him and felt the rest of his heart shatter. With the gutsy determination that was part of her soul, Arianna Devlin wanted to give him a chance. Her presence literally humbled him and forced him to his knees. She would give up an opportunity of a lifetime, for everything she had worked for, because she loved him. And she did it with the clarity of a woman who knew exactly what she wanted and went after it with no apology.

God, he loved her.

He knew he’d never find another woman to be his soul mate. She was the one. He saw a flash of their future, working in the studio, buying a house, having babies. She’d get new accounts because she was an energy force that G&B would never be able to hold back. They’d build a life together. He’d have someone to share his thoughts and feelings and daily crappy routines, who’d love him despite his faults. Arianna would be that mate for him, the one he’d waited for.

If he asked her to stay.

She waited, patiently, for his answer. Her determined expression barely covered the vulnerability within sea green depths, flickering at the surface. He needed to meet her halfway.

And he knew in his soul he wanted her to stay.

He opened his mouth to say the words.

“I can’t.” He took a step back. Feeling slowly ravaged, he half turned to prevent a moan from escaping his lips at the physical pain the words cost him. “I can’t ask you to stay, baby.

This is your time. I won’t ever be able to move forward, knowing you may regret it if we don’t work out. Wondering if you regretted choosing me over something you’ve worked your whole life toward. I won’t make you choose.”

She didn’t respond. Grant sucked in a breath and looked at her. She stood completely still, her face heartbreakingly fragile and feminine under the studio lights. Wine red strands curved under the soft line of her cheek and set off her full lips. Dark brows remained smooth as she seemed to analyze and accept her decision.

“I understand.” She turned from him and settled her hand on the doorknob. Her voice held undertones of a deep sadness that almost made him change his mind. “You said I allowed you to make all the choices in this relationship, and you’re right. I waited for the rules to be set. I waited for you to realize you had feelings for me. But this is my choice. I want to stay for me, and for us. I hope you don’t sleep better at night thinking you did the right or manly thing.

Because you didn’t.” She opened the door. “You chose to be alone,” she said. Then she walked out.

Arianna put down the phone and glanced at her red luggage. Almost ready. The initial trip to Chicago scheduled for the weekend would give her the opportunity to meet the new marketing team and see her office. She also needed to make arrangements to view her new apartment, which G&B provided. The Windy City beckoned.

She smiled at the thought and poured herself a glass of Cabernet. Swirling the rich, ruby liquid, she padded barefoot to the couch and settled herself into the plush crème cushions, letting her thoughts wander.

Her mom and dad had seemed happy about the promotion. They’d never understand her ambition and drive, but they’d stopped begging her to move back, make a life with the neighbor down the street and raise corn. In a way, she missed having a sibling to talk to, or at least throw up to her parents in sacrifice. Being the only child was too much pressure. She always felt she failed them in some way.

Arianna fought back a sigh and took a sip, enjoying the deep stillness in the room. She might not have a view of Manhattan, but her Westchester apartment offered a relatively painless commute and more space for the buck. Her apartment was double the size, and would easily fit her California king size bed, one of the luxuries she always demanded in her living quarters.

Grant had laughingly agreed her pampering was well deserved when it came to the mattress. They tested out the theory many times.

Grant.

The sharp pain still caught her by surprise. It should have been dulled a bit by now, but two weeks had passed since their last encounter, and she still felt like she moved through the day chained underwater. Funny, it was almost as if her body and mind grieved the loss of an appendage. The few short months she had spent with Grant had changed her. She only hoped she found her way back to somewhat of her old self if she wanted to make it in Chicago.

The memory of their final good-bye shimmered before her closed eyes. After she left, she waited for him to come after her. Call. Change his mind.

But he never did. She stopped going to class and received a full refund check from him in the mail a few days later with a note. I’m so sorry. She’d crumbled it to a thousand pieces, stomped on it, then cried.

Over and over, she dissected their conversation and always came up with the same conclusion. He didn’t love her the way she loved him. If he did, he would’ve never let her leave.

He would have… The thought trailed off as recognition grabbed and shook hard.

He wouldn’t let her love him.

The simplicity struck and left her breathless.

From the moment they met, Grant controlled both the classroom and the bedroom. She felt as if he let her see a hidden part of him in their intimacy, but now she realized he’d never let himself lose control. He rarely came inside of her. He never exploded in orgasm without planning her pleasure first. He used tantra to stay in power. With great sex and love, came great vulnerability. By controlling her orgasms and holding back his own, he remained safe.

In his mind, he couldn’t give her the option of loving him or making the choice. By allowing her to choose him, he set himself up for failure, failure in both the relationship and in his school. So he didn’t allow her to choose him. That way, he remained safely distant and made himself feel better by pretending he let her go for her own good, because he loved her secretly, silently. It wasn’t a sacrifice at all.

It was a cop out.

He was scared shitless. He just hid it better than normal people without all of their strict training and practices.

Arianna stood and paced the room, wineglass in hand, while she thought. What if he did love her as much as she did him? What if he wanted a life with her, but couldn’t get past his defense barriers and allow her to make a choice to love him?

What if she didn’t give any more choices?

The plan formed. She drank her wine and went over the details. Her move to Chicago was going to happen. The deal was complete and her team in place. She couldn’t turn back now.

But before she closed the door, she needed to show Grant Madison an important lesson about tantra he’d never forget. Arianna set the wineglass down and went back into the bedroom to dress.