The Whisperer

Chapter 34

She had confessed and pleaded guilty, on the basis of the doctors’ assessment of her mental health. She had described her crime in very few words, but in enough detail; her head was clearer now, something had been released. The cell seemed bigger than eight square metres. She felt the great door of truth had been opened. But the signs were still there, the connections she had seen — they forced their way in, whether she wanted to see them or not. The messages, the forgotten watch, the Jumper who did not get up from the ground, but lay bleeding from his mouth and ears. The Agent who had hammered on the door and wanted to come in, who had talked of an imminent death, which would prove to be his own. There was a connection, a logic. Or was it all random, was everything in life random? Forces from above and below pulled and tugged at her, each championing their own agenda. The brain always looks for a pattern, she thought. It either finds what it is looking for, or makes it up, as she had done. The prosecuting authorities wanted to replace her version with their own. This is reality they said, come here.

She lay down on the bunk and, when she eventually fell asleep, dreamt that she was standing on the roof of a tall building and wanted to jump. Rikard Josef was on the street below, waving at her. Without a moment’s hesitation, she dived, opened out her arms and felt as though she were floating. It went on forever. It was not so strange that people jumped, not so strange that many chose another way. She woke with a jolt before she knew if anyone was there to catch her. No, she was falling too fast, no one was strong enough to catch her. Louise came in and picked up the letter, which was of course not sealed, as they still had to read it. With her eyes, she followed the white envelope as it left her cell. With her mind, she followed her confession, the long, detailed letter full of sorrow, regret and anger, all the way from her cell to Berlin.