The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Middle School

How to Survive Being the Shortest Guy in School

Everyone else has been doing some serious growing, but your body hasn’t gotten the message. Suddenly every boy in school towers over you—and so do some of the girls. Here are some tips to keep you from feeling shortchanged.

1 Learn some good short jokes.

Make up for what you lack in altitude with the right attitude. Even if it drives you crazy on the inside, never show that being short is a problem for you.

• “I’m short on purpose. If the teacher can’t see you, he can’t call on you!”

• “At least if I fall down, I don’t have far to go.”

• “I’m not short, I’m just unusually not tall.”

• “You just wait till the limbo contest, my friend… you just wait.”

2 Consider the advantages.

Take comfort in the good news from scientists: Short people live longer and break fewer bones. Plus, they’re less clumsy and have faster reaction times. So play point guard during basketball games or try out for soccer goalie, and show ’em what “that short dude” can do.

How to Survive Not Being Athletic

Gym class is the same every day: There are guys beating the school record in the 1,600-meter run, guys making perfect corner kicks, guys shooting hoops like they’re ready for the pros. And then there’s you: dropping every ball, doubled over to catch your breath. Before you throw in the towel, read on.

1 Practice makes perfect.

What makes most good athletes good isn’t a natural gift, it’s how much they practice. Find a buddy who’s more confident than you on the field and drill him about how he got that way. Does he play soccer in his neighborhood after school? Run around the track with his dad in the mornings? Do twenty push-ups before bed every night?

2 Incorporate sports into your daily life.

Run up the stairs instead of walking, and keep a record of your time so you can attempt to beat it tomorrow. When you have a milk carton to throw in the garbage, do it from across the room with a beat-the-buzzer jump shot. When you’re alone, make up goofy sports to practice, like Race the Dog or Hurdle the Patio Furniture.

3 Mix it up.

Playing sports doesn’t have to mean hitting a ball, so try something different. Hit the local pool on the weekend and swim some laps, dig your old bike out of the garage and zip around the neighborhood, or try out some new tricks at the local skateboard park. Finding one athletic activity that you’re good at—or at least not terrible at—will boost your confidence with sports in general.

4 Take a reality check.

The truth is that most guys aren’t super-amazing athletes, so not being Joe Sportsman only makes you (gasp!) normal.

Think you’re never going to be any good? Think again—these sports superstars didn’t start shining until they were practically old enough to retire.

• “Big Bill” Tilden ended up as one of the best tennis players of the 20th century, but he wasn’t good enough to make his high-school squad.

• Hall of Fame pitcher Dazzy Vance didn’t win his first baseball game until he was 31.

• Sandy Koufax almost quit baseball to go into the electronics business at the age of 25. But Koufax decided to give it one more shot. By the end of the 1961 season, he was on his way to being one of baseball’s best pitchers.

• Super Bowl champion quarterback Kurt Warner didn’t even enter the NFL until he was 28.

How to Survive a Bad Haircut

A great haircut is like getting a whole new you. Unfortunately, a bad haircut does the same thing, except now, the New You looks like you got into a fight with a lawn mower… and the mower won. Here are a few tips to restore your hair to sanity.

1 Bust out the products.

Rock stars of both genders use gel, so raid your mother’s or sister’s supplies: styling gel, mousse, wax, modeling clay… whatever it takes. Then be sure to ask the product’s owner how to apply it, because you don’t want to go overboard with the “wet” look.

2 Start a fad.

Tell all your pals that your hideous, horrible hairstyle is the hot new ’do. Let them know this is exactly how you wanted it to look because, yes, you are just that punk rawk!

3 If you can’t beat it, buzz it!

Sometimes a hairdo’s so bad it requires a ’do-over. So stop cursing yourself when you look in the mirror. Instead, take action! Go back to the salon and ask for a chopper fixer-upper—even if that means it all goes.

4 Let it go, let it grow.

Did you know your hair will grow half a foot this year?! So no matter how bad the current cut, the good news is that it’s already growing out. You’ll be looking better in no time—but until then, one further idea: Caps are cool. Start wearing a hat and it may soon be your thing!

How to Survive a Bully

He calls you names from the back of the bus. He trips you in the cafeteria. When he passes by with his posse of fools, they get all up in your grill. None of this is cool or acceptable, so here are ways to make it better… and to make it stop.

1 Poker-face it.

It’s like what dentists say about teeth: “Ignore them and they’ll go away.” Same here. By playing it cool and showing this bully that you’re not bothered by his antics, he might just decide you’re not worth his time and effort.

2 Launch a counterintelligence operation.

Secretly spy on the bully for a couple days, noting where he hangs out and when. The best way to steer clear is to know where he’s going to be—and not be there yourself!

3 Use the buddy system.

Get your friends together and coordinate your schedules so that none of you ever shows your face in the hallways alone. Bullies are much less likely to hassle two people together than one person alone.

4 Make a quickescape.

Make a mental map of your school, and when the bully starts to bug you, move quickly to a “safe zone” (i.e., somewhere with adults around, if necessary). In case anybody calls you on running away, be ready with a smart remark: “I decided not to waste my time with that. Trust me, you shouldn’t either.” Or there’s always: “Well, if you want in on the action, feel free to deal with the situation for me.”

5 Be brave—or fake being brave.

Stand up to the bully. That’s right: Tell him you want him to stop being mean to you. Say, “Bullying is very elementary school, and I’m over it.” It often works best if you can do this when you and he can’t be overheard, so he doesn’t feel like he has to prove himself. Be strong and act like you have authority. It’s amazing how sometimes even just acting the part helps you assume the role.

6 Tell (without telling that you told).

No one wants to be a tattletale, but, um, no one wants to get punched in the face, either. Talk with a parent, teacher, counselor, or other trusted adult and ask for help solving this problem—without anyone knowing that you told.

Or send an anonymous e-mail or note to the vice principal or another authority figure at your school about how a certain kid is harassing a certain other kid every day at a certain place and time. And, what do you know? The next time the bully is doing his nasty thing, here comes trouble—for him.

How to Deal with Girl Confusion

Sure, science is rough, but the most confusing subject at school is easily girls. Not just girls—the Girl. She travels with her friends in a whispering and giggling pack, looking at you every once in a while, sometimes ignoring you, sometimes saying “hi” like it’s no big deal…. How can you decode her mysterious, mind-boggling ways? Here’s how to figure her out.

You know you like her, if you define “like” as being mesmerized by the way her hair bounces. But is it a two-way street? Look for these good signs.

She can’t stop twirling her hair.

She’s always fidgeting, flipping her hair, or scratching her nose while you’re having a conversation. Chances are her twitchiness is not an allergic reaction. It’s very possible she’s looking for something to do with her hands because she’s been attacked by a case of nerves. Why? ’Cause she digs you and wants to make a good impression!

She talks to you for random reasons.

She makes fun of your outfit, no matter what you’re wearing. She wants help with the math assignment, even though she’s an A student and you can’t tell a prime number from a prime rib. She wants to use your pencil sharpener, but she’s using a pen.

She laughs at your lamest jokes.

If you say that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, and she cracks up—she either likes you or she’s got the worst sense of humor in the universe.

Avoid “playful” insults and jokes.

Instead, find out what interests her. Do you have any knowledge about her interests that you could share? If not, why not try to read up a bit? It’s a pretty cool way to gain friendship and IQ points.

Compliments are key.

By telling her how cool her locker decorations are or that you agreed with what she said in class, you let her know that she’s making an impression, and it’s a good one!

Take it online.

IMs and e-mail are perfect for getting to know someone without the stress of actual, in-person communication. So ask for her e-mail address and screenname, and chat away! Next time you see her in person, bring up the topic of your last online convo, so you have a bridge from the e-world to the real world.