The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible - читать бесплатно онлайн полную версию книги автора A. J. Jacobs (ч. 12)

MacArthur, John. What the Bible Says About Parenting. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2000.

Matthews, Victor H. Manners and Customs in the Bible. Peabody, Mass.: Hendrickson Publishers, 1991.

McBrien, Richard P. Catholicism: New Study Edition. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1994.

------. Lives of the Saints: From Mary and Francis of Assisi to John XXIII and Mother Teresa. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 2001.

McClellan, Ruth. An Incredible Journey. Lynchburg, Va.: Liberty University, 2006.

McDowell, Josh. Evidence for Christianity. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2006.

McManis, Cliff. Christian Living. The Woodlands, Tex.: Kress Christian Publications, 2006.

Mennonite Confession of Faith. Crockett, Ky.: Rod and Staff Publishers, 1963.

Metzger, Bruce, and Michael D. Coogan, eds. The Oxford Companion to the Bible. New York: Oxford University Press, 1993.

Miles, Jack. God: A Biography. New York: Knopf, 1995.

Morrow, Jimmy, with Ralph W. Hood. Handling Serpents. Macon, Ga.: Mercer University Press, 2005.

Nicholi, Armand M. The Question of God: C. S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud Debate God, Love, Sex, and the Meaning of Life. New York: Free Press, 2003.

Nicolson, Adam. God's Secretaries. New York: HarperCollins, 2003.

Omartian, Stormie. A Book of Prayer. Eugene, Oreg.: Harvest House Publishers, 2006.

Oppenheimer, Mark. Thirteen and a Day. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2005.

Pagels, Elaine. Adam, Eve and the Serpent. New York: Vintage, 1989. Pakkala, Lorraine. Yea God! Trumansburg, N.Y.: Crossing Press, 1980. Perkins, Bill. When Good Men Are Tempted. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan,

1997.

Phillips, Kevin. American Theocracy. New York: Viking Penguin, 2006. Priolo, Lou. Teach Them Diligently. Woodruff, S.C.: Timeless Texts, 1977.

Rousas, John Rushdoony. The Institutes of Biblical Law. Nutley, N.J.: Craig Press, 1973.

Rubin, Jordan S. The Maker's Diet. New York: Penguin Group, 2004.

Russell, Bertrand. Why I Am Not a Christian. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1957.

Ruthven, Malise. Fundamentalism: The Search for Meaning. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2004.

Sarna, Jonathan D. American Judaism. New Haven, Conn.: Yale University Press, 2004.

Sarna, Nahum M., ed. The JPS Torah Commentary: Genesis. Philadelphia: Jewish Publication Society, 1989.

Shulevitz, Judith. "Bring Back the Sabbath." New York Times, March 2, 2003.

------. "What Do Orthodox Jews Think of Abortion, and Why?" Slate, August 25, 2000.

Simon, Ethelyn, and Joseph Anderson. Teach Yourself to Read Hebrew. Albany, Calif.: EKS Publishing, 2002.

Skolnik, Fred, ed. Encyclopedia Judaica. New York: Macmillan, 2006.

Smith, Huston. The World's Religions. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1991.

Spong, John Shelby. Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism. San Francisco, HarperSanFrancisco, 1991.

------. The Sins of Scripture. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 2005.

Steinberg, Milton. As a Driven Leaf. Springfield, N.J.: Behrman House, 1939.

Steinsaltz, Adin. The Essential Talmud. New York: Basic Books, 1984.

Stewart, Matthew. The Courtier and the Heretic. New York: Norton, 2006.

Strobel, Lee. The Case for Faith. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2000.

Strong, James. The New Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1996.

Telushkin, Joseph. The Book of Jewish Values: A Day-by-Day Guide to Ethical Living. New York: Harmony/Bell Tower, 2000.

Tigay, Jefrey H. The JPS Torah Commentary: Deuteronomy. Philadelphia: Jewish Publication Society, 1989.

Tillich, Paul. History of Christian Thought. New York: Touchstone, 1972.

Turner, Denys. Faith, Reason and the Existence of God. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2004.

Twain, Mark. Letters from Earth. New York: Perennial, 1991.

Unger, Merrill F. The New Unger's Bible Handbook. Chicago: Moody Press, 2005.

United States Catholic Catechism for Adults. Washington, D.C.: USCCB, 2006.

Wallis, Jim. God's Politics. New York: HarperCollins, 2005.

Warren, Rick. The Purpose Driven Life. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan,

2002.

Weisman, Charles A. A Handbook of Bible Law. Burnsville, Minn.: Weisman

Publications, 1991.

Wills, Garry. What Jesus Meant. New York: Viking Penguin, 2006. Woodmorappe, John. Noah's Ark: A Feasibility Study. Santee, Calif.: Institute

for Creation Research, 1996.

Zacharias, Ravi. Can Man Live Without God? Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1996.

BIBLE BIBLIOGRAPHY

Alter, Robert, trans. The Five Books of Moses. New York: Norton, 2004. American Bible Society. Good News Bible, 1993 (GNB).

Doubleday. The New Jerusalem Bible, 1990 (NJB).

Fox, Everett, trans. The Five Books of Moses. New York: Schocken Books, 1983.

Jewish Publication Society. Tanakh: The Holy Scriptures, 1985 (JPS).

Lockman Foundation. Amplified Bible, 1954 (AB).

Mesorah Publications. The Stone Tanach, 1996.

Oxford University Press. The Holy Bible: New Revised Standard Version, 1989 (NRSV).

Oxford University Press. The New Oxford Annotated Bible, 2001.

Thomas Nelson. The Holy Bible: Revised Standard Version, 1972 (RSV). Thomas Nelson. The Holy Bible: New King James Version, 1982 (NKJV). Tyndale House. The Living Bible, 1976 (TLB).

United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. The New American Bible, 2005 (NAB).

World Publishing. The Holy Bible King James Version, 1928 (KJV). World Bible Publishing. God's Word Bible, 1998 (GWT). Zondervan. Holy Bible: New International Version, 1989 (NIV).

Acknowledgments

The Bible says to give thanks (Psalms 44:8), so I hope you'll forgive me if I get a little carried away.

Thanks to my editor Marysue Rucci at Simon & Schuster, who is a joy to work with--passionate, generous, and wise.

I'm grateful to my agent Sloan Harris at ICM, who insists on breaking his profession's stereotype by being a complete mensch.

I'm indebted to Rob Weisbach, a brilliant editor and great friend without whom I would not be doing this for a living.

There's an astounding number of people to thank at Simon & Schuster for their unrivaled support: David Rosenthal, the capo di tutti capi, as well as Victoria Meyer, Aileen Boyle, Tracey Guest, Julia Prosser, Leah Wasielewski, Jackie Seow, Marcella Berger, Marie Florio, Lisa Healy, and my friendly taskmaster, Ginny Smith.

If this were an awards show, I'm guessing I'd be played off right about now. But I've got plenty more. My spiritual advisory board consisted of the following insightful and kind people: Elton Richards, Andy Cohen, Marsha Marks (the Christian aunt I never had), Julie Galambush, David Bossman, David Cohen, Nathaniel Deutsch (who understood my project better than I did), Roger Bennett, Fay Landis, Rev. Stan Duncan, Robbie Harris, Azriel Hirsch, Oded Borowski, Father Michel Lavoie, Darrell Bock, Dean Hubbard, Bill Berkowitz, Calum Carmichael, Michael Berenbaum, Glen Hoptman, Benyamin Cohen, Joseph Ginzberg, Greg Frier, Eddy Portnoy, and Vincent Crapanzano.

Thanks to all those who read the manuscript and gave me their editorial wisdom, namely: Lizzie Berne DeGear, Peter Griffin, Andrew Lund (who read it twice!), Chad Millman, Brian Frazer, Neely Harris (who used a highlighter), Carolyn Bernstein, Rob Kurson, Albert Kim, Ken Jennings (yes, as in the Ken Jennings of Jeopardy!), Shannon Barr, Mark Warren, Elicia Pomeroy (who kindly donated a metaphor), Stephen Friedman, Sam Davidoff, Laura Bittner, Martin Zuckerman, Mark Warren, Uri Grezemkovsky, Paul Mandell, Jennifer Landis, Burt Cohen, and Melanie Davis.

I'm grateful to David Granger of Esquire, a visonary editor (who didn't get mad when I slacked off on my Esquire duties for three months--maybe four). And to Josie Freedman of ICM, who is the female version of a mensch, whatever that is called, as well as Liz Farrell, Michael McCarthy, and Kristyn Keene.

350 Acknowledgments

Thanks to Victor Ozols, a researcher/adviser whose attention to detail is matched by his big vision.

Thanks to former S&S'er Geoff Kloske, who bought the book and gave me good advice on sandals.

Thanks to Ivan Hrazdira, who gave me excellent insights on biblical banking. Laurie Davis, who was invaluable in helping me release debt. Kevin Roose, my slave/intern (I'm telling you, the kid is going places). Justin Balding and Jamie Novogrod for making images. Thomas Wheatley and Buddy Kite for their research. To Ruth Feinberg for her insights into temptation and impurity. And the madcap minds of Jay Reiss and Jeremy Kleiner.

I'm especially grateful to my family, who instilled in me Judeo-Christian values (without the explicity Judeo-Christian parts): my parents, my sister, her husband, Willy, and my grandfather. Also thanks to my aunts Kate and Marti, who may be on opposite ends of the theological spectrum, but who are both wonderful people.

And, of course, thank you to Julie, my beshert. And to my sons, Jasper, Zane, and Lucas.

Index

Page numbers in italics refer to illustrations. Page numbers beginning with 335 refer to notes.

Aaron, 235

abominations, see specific sins and forbidden items

abortion issue, 6

biblical support sought by each side in, 308-9, 340-41

creationists on, 59

Abraham, 339

near sacrifice of Isaac by, 109, 164,

197, 218

as one of history's most diligent

hosts, 303

pioneering circumcisions of, 319 Sarah's late pregnancy

accomplished by, 19

Sodom's fate negotiated by, 126,

127-28

starting the day with, 141

wife introduced to Pharaoh as

sister of, 144

Absalom, 230

fatal hairstyle of, 181

Acts of the Apostles:

on abstaining from blood, 76 on blessedness of giving, 121 Adam:

creation of, 56

God's concern about solitude of,

213, 322

God's first command to, 19 Adam and Eve:

AJ's probable punishment of

(moving up their bedtime, maybe a stern warning, etc.),

creationist questioned about, 58 "family of man" as descending

from, 107, 146

vegetarianism of, 307

see also Eden, Garden of; Eve Adam's etrog, 79

adoration, prayers of, 95

adulterers, adultery, 135-38, 231 committed by just looking

lustfully, 286

Israelite concept of, 135

polygamy vs., 135-38

stoning (or severely pebbling) of,

4, 91-94, 293

trial and humane execution of, 94 in Upper West Side, 92-93

see also specific adulterers

agnosticism, 4-5, 28, 38, 52, 67, 80,

94, 192, 248, 313

AIDS:

circumcision seen reducing risk

of, 318

leprosy in Jesus' time compared

with, 328

airport security, El Al, beard and bar

mitzvah among issues at, 3,

209

Aish HaTorah, 112

Al-Aqsa Mosque, 190

Alba, Jessica, in stash-away magazine

pile, 130

Albright, Madeleine, speaking fee of, 28

alcohol, Bible's uncertain stance on, 231-33, 339

Alexander, 131-32

Allen, Woody, on what the heart wants, 28

"Amazing Grace," 34, 214

Amazon.com, 9, 15, 128, 151, 241 American Beauty, 153

American Bible Society, Bible study class in back room of, 283 American Theocracy (Phillips), 335 Amish, 11, 30-35, 74, 94, 157, 168

idolatry avoided by, 30, 104

jokes and singing of, 7, 32, 33, 34, 214

Old and New Testaments

followed by, 30

Ordnung obeyed by, 30-31

religion peacefully evolving among, 34-35

Rollerblading and baseball

observed among, 34-35 Ammon, incestuous and probable spelean conception of, 233 Amos, on justice, 37, 88

Anderson, Pamela, icebreaker role of, 216

Angier, Natalie, on Bible's X-rated language, 282, 340

animals, kindness to, 162, 185-88

see also God

Fluker's Farms, edible bugs supplied by, 174-75

Focus on the Family, 40

Foer, Jonathan Safran, coveted speaking fee of, 26, 28

Fonzie, nonmenacing white worn by, 122

food, 169-76

banned, see forbidden foods

giving thanks for, 95-96

going vegetarian with scriptural backing, 307

grease-soaked latkes, scriptural silence on, 121

of Hebrew slaves in Egypt, 165-66

kosher but actually inedible, 173-74

locusts, crickets, and grasshoppers on list of approved bugs, 174

modified Mediterranean diet, 173

of rabbits, 59, 166

Robertson's age-defying pancakes, 262

Food and Drug Administration, 175 food metaphors:

biting off more than you can chew, 48

in cafeteria religion, 327-29

chopped-salad laws, 43

on having a hunger and/or a thirst, 13, 53, 327

in Song of Solomon, 133, 134 foot washing:

Amish, 30

gargling compared to, 304

offered (unsuccessfully) to AJ's guests, 303-4

forbidden beds, 51

forbidden bugs, 174, 175-67

forbidden chairs, 52

forbidden clothes:

if disturbingly form fitting, 129-30

of mixed fibers, 15, 22-25, 36, 43, 68, 91, 111, 122, 149, 203, 255

nonwhite, 122

of questionable skins, 15

women's, unless women are wearing them, 15, 39

forbidden drink, biblical ambiguities about, 231-33

forbidden foods, 169-72

cheeseburgers, 69

in common restrictions of the day, 171

elusive rules on, 171

lists of, 17, 170

tribal identity, not health, as basis of, 170

forbidden footballs (if pigskin), 203 forbidden fruit, 79, 146

fig, grape, pomegranate . . . , 335

orange, not apple as, 17

from recently planted tree, 8, 171-72

forbidden fun, 262

forbidden games, 72, 203

forbidden haircuts, 181, 331-32 forbidden holidays, 88

forbidden images, 104-6

see also idols, idolatry

forbidden pity, in rarely applied tactic, 111-12

forbidden Sabbath behavior, 71-74

forbidden sex, see adulterers,

adultery; bestiality;

homosexuality; incest; but not polygamy

forbidden speech, 99-101, 337

AJ's clamming up rather than spewing of, 157

allowable types of, 100

biblical synonyms for, 99

bloviating putz's narrow escape from torrent of, 100-101 Julie chided on resorting to, 157-58

metaphors for, 157

often avoided in AJ's presence, 180 Talmud on, 99

forbidden tap water, 140

forbidden uncle, see Gil (ex-uncle)

forbidden women:

impure, periodic avoidance of, 48-52, 143

married, 135; see also adulterers, adultery

in purple flip-flops or low-riding Calvins, 27; see also lust avoidance

virgins, with important

exceptions, 135

forbidden words, D, 11, 72, 131 A-, 158

of an atheist's Methodist,

Victorian aunt, 96-97

B-, 131, 134

of a beloved vegan-feminist, politically correct aunt, 110 cleaner (and mainly sweeter) substitutes for, 282

in ClearPlay, 131-32

of creationists, 61

F-, 11, 101, 131, 145, 282

H-, 131

S-, 131, 145, 281, 282

sound-alike surrogates for, 282, 310 see also forbidden speech

forbidden work, 72, 73

Ford, Henry, 293

foreskin, men (who else?) seeking recovery of, 318

forgiveness:

with an asterisk, 274

of debts, 64-65

in Jesus' moral teaching, 256, 289

in Jonah story, 83

for meeting ex-uncle, 46, 317 no literal limits to, 289

rationality transcended in, 275

forklifts and cement mixers, God as arguably in, 152-53, 212

forty days:

Israelite impatience with, 16 much to talk about in, 52, 69

Fourth Commandment, 71

see also Sabbath

freedom from choice, 141-44, 268, 332

free speech, responsibility vs., 251

free will, 109, 311

Freud, Sigmund, 28

on obsessional character of religion, 148

fringes, see tassels

Fryer, Greg, 324

Frying Pan, fashion show at, 286-88 dismayingly provocative outfits worn at, 287

foxy payot fondler given the brush at, 288

fundamentalists, 231

beyond-the-pale, 293

on Bible's authorship, 201

cafeteria religion as seen by, 327-28

domino theory of, 67, 336

modernists vs., 67, 337

as modern phenomenon, 277 polygamous sects of, 136

red heifer in eschatological scenario of, 188-90

righteous idiocy as logical

direction of, 119

serpent handlers, an engaging subclass of, 294-99

Galambush, Julie, on Israelite

bloodletting, 246-47, 335 Galatians, Epistle to, on crucifying one's passions and desires, 286

games:

forbidden, 72, 203

movie-title, 147

gay marriage, creationists on, 59

gender equality:

Bible's moments of, 240-41

Israelite level of interest in, 135

gender segregation:

Hasidic, 85, 87

Samaritan, 218-19

Genesis:

on Abraham's attempted

deception of the Pharaoh, 144 on being fruitful and multiplying, 17

on circumcision, 317

on creation of the heavens and earth, 56, 60

on early-rising Abraham, 141 on Eden's population, 58

fertility "dominant theme" of, 18-19, 335

on the heat, 310

on how man and woman must cleave to each other, 187 on Jacob and Esau, 237-38, 239 on Leah's again conceiving and bearing a son, 314

on Leah's trade of son's dud mandrakes for a night with Jacob, 116, 117

on the Lord's promise to Abraham to multiply his seed, 158 on the Lord's view that Adam should not live a solitary life, 213

on offering drink, 140

on pain in childbearing, 10

pot smoking supposedly favored by, 233

on speaking to the Lord about sparing Sodom, 126

Tamar's tale in, 146-47

on tithing, 17

genocide, biblical, 245

geocentric universe, far-out

creationists' belief in, 63 Gerizim, Mount, sacredness of, 218, 219

germaphobia, 49, 240

Gershom ben Judah, one-spouse-only law of, 135

Gershon (friend), 84-86

Gil (ex-uncle), 12, 190, 339

adoring and docile cult followers of, 102

autobiography of (Coming Back to Earth), 101-2

biblical literalism of, 5-6, 223 biography of (Yea God), 103-4 cult leadership qualities observed in, 224

ex-nephew's first meeting with, 45, 221

family dread and denial of, 7, 46 faulty sign language of, 224 God's eye is evidently on the sparrow's droppings that fall on, 222

guests who give lip to, 223-24 inspirational tassels of, 6, 17 omnivorous spirituality of, 5, 102-3

"Only holy topics!" demanded of guests by, 223, 234

parents' forgiveness for AJ's meeting with, 46, 317

quasifamous dinner of, 221-25 theological principles of, 102-3, 222-23

three years' silence of, 102

gleanings, 165-67, 208

in AJ's cucumber fiasco, 165-66 Ruth's gathering of Boaz and, 166

updating harvest idea in, 166-67

Glickman, Kim, extrasensory talents imagined in, 275

global warming, Falwell's

reassurances about, 260

God:

attempted visualizing of, 21-22 avoiding idolatry in worship of, 328-29

God (cont.)

bargaining with and wasting time of, 189

children punished for fathers' sins by, 144-46, 338

cluttering in-box of, 96; see also prayer

despite intercession, Sodom and Gomorrah laid waste by, 126-28

a different type of cooking dung as Ezekiel's plea to, 89

as dwelling more easily in text than images, 106

Eden justly regulated by, 41

feeling the pleasure of, 38

first words to Adam from, 19

first words to Moses from, 59

free will as lesson to parents from, 109

how the sparrow's droppings may be eyed by, 222

human emotions of, 153

"immersion journalism" as creation of, 18

interactiveness of, 52-53, 69, 153

Jonah's fury at, 83

on a "learning curve," 268

mainly said when preceded by "Oh my," 21

minister's specifications for a wife met on time by, 189-90

name of, 21, 46, 75, 281

at Paramount, 227

prosperity seen as will of, 271

reason for praise of, 220

three phases of belief in, 248

thunderous curses tipping scale against blessings of, 113

traditional arguments for

existence of, 20

unconditional love from, 313

what to tell children about, 152

woman now on drawing board, Adam told by, 213, 322

as Yahweh, boss of all other Gods, 183

God: A Biography (Miles), 145 Gods and Generals, 242

God's Politics (Wallis), 269

"God willing," 236-37

Goldberg, Michelle, on Dominionist influence, 293

Good News Bible, 9

Good Samaritan, Jesus' parable of, 119 Good Samaritan Coffee Shop, 219 good servant, parable of, 306-7 Gordon, Nehemiah, on biblically sound diet, 307

gossip (evil tongue), 99-101, 156-58 see also forbidden speech

Gould, Stephen Jay, on science vs. religion, 67

grace, pre- vs. postprandial, 95

Graham, Billy, 266

hotel rooms specially prepared for, 130

Greenberg, Steven, on partnership of God and humanity, 267-68

"Greetings from Idiot America" (Esquire), 60

guides, see spiritual advisory board

guilt:

about disadvantaged ancient Israelites, 80

about disobeying traffic rules, 283, 285

about eating eggs, 186

about fate of ritual chickens, 162, 164-65

about honoring parents, 241-42 about inadvertently pilfered exgirlfriend's Bible, 332

Jewish, in general, 70, 93

about lying to Mr. Berkowitz, 54 about lying to the Falwell folks, 262, 291

about neighbor Nancy, 323

about pestering pigeons, 188 about righteous idiocy, 118-19, 227-28, 310

about the slave/intern, 306

about tefillinless binding, 198 about transgressions when biblical year ended, 331-32

Hackman, Gene, earth conceded to be older than, 60

hair, hairstyles, 150

function of side locks in, 181-82, 202

of Israelite vs. the pagan cut, 181-82

olive oil dabbed on, 42

Paul's decree on length of, 11, 181 Halloween, off-limits paganism of, 88 Ham, Ken, 57-59

AJ trumped on science knowledge by, 58

Ham (son of Noah), filial disrespect of, 242-43

Hammurabi, code of, 246

Handbook of Bible Law, A

(Weisman), 292-93

subtitle of (says it all), 293

hand chopping:

biblical acceptance of, 67

in self-defense, 111

handshaking, bacteria-ridden custom of, 240

Handy Seat, urban impurities avoided with, 52, 88, 120

Hanukkah, 87, 121

harp of ten strings, 167-69

one designed by ex-uncle, 222

strolling the Upper West Side with, 169

underground devotion to, 168 Harris, Robbie, 68, 134, 340

on avoiding idolatry, 328-29

on literal meaning vs. rabbinical interpretation of Bible, 68 Harris, Sam, 98

Harrison, Barbara (Julie's mom), 234

AJ's coveting spurred by, 27-28

in negotiated photo shoot, 105 Harrison, David (Julie's stepdad), in Starbucks debate, 138-39 Hasidic Jews, 30, 84-87, 125

AJ's fear that Jasper might, among many other things, join the above, 327

dancing with, 84-86, 168, 214

Lubavitcher sect of, 84-86, 163

pantheism of, 103

wackjobs really the exception among, 162-63

Hebrew alphabet, rough spots in learning of, 250

Hebrew Bible (Old Testament), 102-3, 335

AJ's OCD and germaphobia dovetailed by, 48-49

in Bible project, 10-11

compassion vs. barbarism in, 245-46

marriage and polygamy in, 135-36

prosex parts of, 286

Samaritan Bible vs., 218, 339

slavery in, 244-47

small variations seen in, 70

troubled conception of promising offspring in, 19-20

see also Torah; specific books Hebrew calendar, 47, 336

hell, why Jehovah's Witnesses are uncomfortable with concept of, 76

"helmet," origin and use of, 108-9, 310-11

Hendrix, Jimi, 115, 194, 244, 323, 325 Hensley, George, father of Tennessee serpent handling, 295

Heschel, Abraham Joshua, on the Sabbath, 125

Heston, Charlton, 227

waters rolled back by, 13

History of God, A (Armstrong), 183 Hitchens, Christopher, 98

Holofernes, seduction and beheading of, 52

Holon, Samaritans living in, 217 Holy Land, AJ's pilgrimage to, 208-25

Home Depot, Noah seen as serious patron of, 152

home-schooling movement, 293 homosexuality:

as "abomination," 67, 135, 202, 230, 263, 266-67

in Cafeteria Christianity, 327

capital punishment for, 10, 293

Christian view on, 45, 138

in critique of biblical literalism, 202-3

evangelical stance on, 263

homosexuality (cont.)

in evangelical study group, 264-68 in God's punishment for pagan Gentile sins, 263, 267

religious right's cultural view of, 266

honesty, see truth telling

Hood, Ralph, on serpent handling, 299

Hopper, Dennis, 101

Hosea, Israelites' idolatrous ways censured by, 89

hospitality, 303-4

of Abraham and the Middle East in general, 303

Hubbard, Dean, on bride acquisition and red heifer projects, 189-90

human beings:

convenient excuse for not

touching 51 percent of, 49 mucky origins linked to selfconcepts of, 107-8

Humanist Perspectives, 309

I Ate a Bug Club, 174

ibn Ezra, Abraham, on how to think of a (married) pretty woman,

idols, idolatry, 24, 96, 231

apartment stripped of images

verging on, 154

destroying of, 8, 105

familial effects of, 105

forty-five rules on, 30

happy medium sought between

Amish and Taliban views on,

104

in Protestant Reformation, 105 in today's cults of personality, 106 impurity laws, female, see purity laws impurity laws, male, 240-41, 339 incest, 135

in the Lot family, 232-33

penalty for, 91

Incredible Mr. Limpet, The, 61 individualism, biblical group identity

vs. European idea of, 213-14 Inherit the Wind (movie), unfairness

seen in, 61-62

insects, deadly, in Revelation

prophecy, 192

insects, edible, 172-76

as consumed willy-nilly in daily

diet, 175-76

sending for, 174-75

survival in biblical times on, 176 tasted, 175

intelligent design, creationist

dismissal of, 57

Intercourse, Pa., moral victory on

passing through, 31

International Preschool, 108

internet, intercessory prayer sprouting

on, 127

in vitro fertilization (IVF), 116-18,

337

Bible noncommittal on, 117 Julie's eggs implanted, 146

success of, 158-59; see also twins,

Jacobs

Tamar's tale as parable of, 146-47 Iraq, 160

Jehovah's Witnesses not found in,

Nineveh now in, 83

war in, 75, 297

Isaac, 141

inexplicable near-sacrifice of, 109,

164, 197, 218

Rebecca as pretended sister of, 144 Sarah's late-life conception of, 19,

Isaiah:

on being called forth from the

womb, 308

on a cause of sleeplessness, 125 on his hypocritical followers, 192 on preaching good news to the

poor, 65

on walking naked and barefoot,

Ishmael, as first circumcision subject,

319

Islam:

images avoided by, 104

Ishmael as forefather of, 19

"Israel," meaning of, 53

Israel, modern:

AJ's feelings on return from, 228-29

forbidden fruit grown in, 171-72 herding sheep in, 7, 204, 211-12 persistent hospitality in, 303 Samaritans dodging political raindrops in, 217

security grilling before flight to, 209

sojourn with ex-uncle in, 220-25 some commandments observed only in, 214

teenage AJ in family visit to, 45 see also Jerusalem

Israelites, ancient, 99, 123, 155

Christians who still believe in laws of, 254

comparing the God of Spinoza, Tillich, and the Jedi knights with the God of, 153

complex sacrifice rules of, 160 entering mind-set of, 50

explaining locust diet of, 176 immortality achieved through descendants of, 145-46

Jubilee law of, 63-64

lost tribes of, 217

menu marking of territory by, 170

modern views on barbarism of, 246-47

moral role of prophets among, 37, 88-89

oral laws passed on to, and eventually written, 69

snail-made blue dye of, 180-81 tithing system of, 38

Yahweh as boss of all Gods

known to, 183

Ivan (friend), 56, 64

Jackson, Jesse, 270

Jackson, Michael, 162

Jacob, AJ's biblical alter ego:

attention-getting freakish look of, 88

biblical words spouted by, 99

byzantine payments to babysitter made by, 42

in clash with secular AJ over Rosario Dawson, 133-34

end time for, 329-31

ethnicity and piety observed in, 118

in Ezekiel's prophetic tradition, AJ hopes, 89

moral high ground occupied by, 42

prudish tendencies of, 129

referring to self in third person permissible for, 65-66

on secular freaks who don't get it, 201

split personality of, 42

strange behaviors seen in, 42

thinking of earth age using mind of, 107

"Thursday" avoided by, 42

update on appearance of, 180-82 Jacob (biblical), 9, 211, 339

Leah's son's dud mandrakes traded for a night with, 117

problems with firstborn son of, 230

thirteen offspring of, 159

wives of, 135

wrestles with God, is injured, and gets new name, 53

Jacob and Esau story, debated

meanings of, 237-40, 316-17 Jacobs, A. J.:

abstemiousness asked of, 231

agnosticism of, 4-5, 28, 38, 52, 67, 94, 192, 248, 329

anticircumcisionist reportage of, 317-18

beard of, see beard

Bible translation issues met by, 66

biblical alter ego of, see Jacob, AJ's biblical alter ego

biblical library tidily classified by, 292

biblical seder conducted by, 233-36

at birth of twins, 314-15

cherry picking forbidden fruit facts by, 171-72

cold-turkey Sabbath observance of, 72-73

Jacobs, A. J. (cont.)

daily coveting list of, 26, 28 dances with Hasidim, 84-86, 214, 326

defoliation and return to old identity of, 329-31

disappointing harp of, 167-69 encyclopedia book of, see KnowIt-All, The

ends-justify-the-means thinking vs. rule-following of, 139 enumerated benefits in avoiding images by, 106

evolving beard and visage of, iv excessive eye contact as unnerving habit of, 115

failed cucumber farming of, 165-66

Falwell singles group audited by, 260-61

first prayer of, 21

at gathering of godless, 96-98 at gay Christian evangelical Bible study group, 264-68

goat's milk, honey, Mediterranean food in favored diet of, 173 "God willing" often used in future-supplicative tense by, 236-37

G-rated curse words of, 282 G-rated sexual history of, 129 gratefulness welcomed to other obsessions of, 268-69

guilt feelings signaling Jewishness to, 70

Israeli experience of, 220-28 in kaparot ritual, 160-65

libido stashed in deep freeze by, 285-88

lighter, spiritual white wardrobe of, 122

lingering stares drawn to exposed cash of, 197

lust-proofing of apartment by, 129-30

lying, complaining, gossiping, unwholesome talk denied to, 99-101, 261

as more biblical than thou, 227-28 as "normal looking," 151

as now a reverent agnostic, 329 as officially Jewish, 4, 11, 335 one and only rabid fan of, 244

a partial list of times when he was right and Julie was not, 273-74

photographed, iv, 2, 44, 90, 120, 150, 184, 204, 226, 252, 300, 312

pretending to be a better person as a good first step for, 327

ram's horn blown with modest success by, 47

random facts still crowbarred into arguments by, 50

self-censorship of, 29

self-generated chukim practiced by, 148-49

self-Googling habit of, 151-52

sign of the cross made by college friend of, 255

smashing idols felt urgently by, 70, 337

spiritual starting point of, 3-5

in Starbucks meeting with

delusional other self, 7

sukkah built in living room by, 77-80

Times Square's Naked Cowboy out-gawked at by, 339

trendy OCD and germaphobia of, 36, 48-49, 149, 240-41, 285

tribal worldview of, 146

various things tefillin might remind him of, 199

weasel ex-roommate's debt forgiven by, 64

Jacobs, Arnold J., Sr., 142, 233

AJ's honoring of, 241-42

literalism in practical joke of, 290

mother's memories of family seders read by, 235-36

"no stealing" commandment followed to the letter by, 139-40

self-control of, 81

workaholism passed on to AJ from, 71, 337

Jacobs, Beryl, 4

Jacobs, Ellen Kheel:

AJ's honoring of, 242

AJ's near-teasing of, 242-43 emailed jokes and wacky

etymologies of, 73, 242

Sabbath solutions offered by, 72 unexpected visit of, 316

Jacobs, Jasper:

AJ on first-name basis with, 110 AJ's coveting on behalf of, 26 at bat mitzvah with AJ and his altered state, 325-26

Chicken Dance Elmo of, 20 deceitful strategems of, 55

denial of twins by, 316

enviable swaddling of, 199

medical traumas of, 188-89, 247 no more lies to, 55-56

parents perceptively aped by, 144-45

ratcheting up justice-to-mercy ratio for, 138-39

remembering circumcision of, 318-19

ritual chicken as epiphanic standin for, 164

sibling sought for, 18

tantrum style of, 55-56

tithing's impact on, 37

uneven vocabulary of, 26, 144, 152 in War of the Bowling Pin, 278-79 worst disciplinarian needing help with, 39-41

Jacobs, Julie Schoenberg:

AJ's greed, lust, but some virtues exposed in honesty game of, 291-92

AJ's "Stuff" file revealed to, 274 a biblical assist and an AJ high from, 65

in birth of twins, 314-15

capacity for magnitude five tremors of, 50

commandments on doorpost scripture from, 155

Dasani bottles filled with tap water by, 140-41

defiantly negative speech of, 157-58

demonstration of maturity by, 125 as family disciplinarian, 41 at fertility clinic, 146

on first hearing of Bible Project, 7 among Florida elderly, 177-78

hardcore religion losing appeal to, 87

on hearing an Amish joke, 34

"helmet" as code word of, 108-9, 310-11

idiosyncratic sneeze of, 212

idol worship allegedly practiced by, 105

lashon hara attributed to, 158

in late-stage pregnancy, 285

living room sukkah construction dubiously inspected by, 77, 79

mother-son relationships as hopeful study of, 230

movies phased out for, 17-18

no chair left unsat on by, 52

off-limits Dickinson sweatshirt of, 15

playdate invitation trampled by spouse's radical honesty, 196

pregnancy quest of, 17-20, 37, 48-52, 312

purity laws not appreciated by, 50-51

scavenger-hunt work of, 157-58, 338

spared AJ's evil tongue during ride home, 100-101

successful (in business) ex

boyfriend of, 27, 336

"sweet spots" marked on, 118

s-word disconcertingly used by, 281

on things happening for a reason, 248

three-sons situation staring at, 206-7, 229-30, 307-8, 312 Jacobs, Lucas, 316-17

Jacobs, Zane, 316-17

as first twin to be circumcised, 320

Jaguar, rabbinical views on coveting of, 27, 336

James, Epistle of, on how to talk about your next day, 237 Jedi knights, 153

Jefferson, Thomas, 4, 256

Jefferson Bible, 256

"Jehovah," as God's real name, 75

Jehovah's Witnesses, 74-77

eschewing cheap jokes about, 74 Hebrew Scriptures leaned on by, 74

highlights in belief system of, 75-77

literalist argument for banning blood transfusion by, 76-77 why major holidays and birthdays are not celebrated by, 75-76, 121

Jeremiah:

on our ability to change, 248 questioned by the king, 208 security grilling given to, 208 walked around wearing a wooden yoke, 89

on why men looked like they were bearing children, 146

Jerusalem:

AJ just one of the messianic crowd in, 220

bombings in, 210

gay pride march in (2006), 267 interfaith street scene in, 213 walking naked and barefoot in, 89 why it's the Galapagos Islands of religion, 220

Jerusalem Bible, 9

Jerusalem syndrome, baffling

symptoms of, 209

Jerusalem temples, era of:

purity laws dating from, 51

rules relevant in, 48, 160, 240, 336

Jessica and Peter (friends), where God exists debated by, 152

Jesus:

on almsgiving, 272

as family man, 256, 340

following moral teachings without accepting divinity of, 255-56, 262-63, 265

Last Supper of, 233

literalist views on teachings of, 11

marriage ideal in Genesis quoted by, 187

on number of times to forgive your brother, 289

observed walking on water, 276

pacifism of, 75

parables of, 67, 119, 215-16, 219, 274-75, 306-7

Pharisees denounced by, 77

red-letter view of, 270

righteous indignation of, 84

ritual laws made obsolete by, 254

serpent handler devotion to, 294

tefillin worn by, 198

traditional laws nullified by sacrifice of, 12, 47-48, 170

world creation linked to gestation time of, 253

on year of Jubilee, 65

Jesus-fish-gobbling-Darwin-fish bumper sticker, 57

Jewishness, test for authenticity of, 70 Jewish Theological Seminary, 68, 134 Jews:

breaking stereotypes of, 80

chosenness of, 36, 296

guilt as identity marker for, 70

see also Judaism

Jews, Hasidic, see Hasidic Jews Jews, Orthodox, 97, 197, 198, 286

guidelines in The Set Table followed by, 143

monthly honeymoon sex enjoyed by, 50

only visible bugs on forbidden list of, 176

rigid modesty rules of, 129

sculptures not made by, 105

as strictest Sabbath keepers, 72

structure for kids as goal of, 125-26

tamer version of kaparot

practiced by, 165

tzitzit worn by, 180

Jews, ultra-Orthodox, 11, 126

antigay demonstrations of, 267

as eschatological allies of

untrafundamentalist

Christians, 189

four blue threads again tied to tassels by, 180-81

kaparot practiced by, 160-65

mandatory partying of, 84-85 Job, Book of:

on the company of the godless, 201

on the Lord's giving and taking away, 21

on making a covenant not to gaze lustfully at virgins, 132

modern, agnostic view in, 114 Joelle (great-aunt), 72

on God's love, 313-14

John, First Epistle of, on the little children of God, 316

John, Gospel of:

on foot-washing ritual, 30

on Jesus promising drink for the thirsty, 301

on Jesus walking on the sea, 276

on Samaritan kindness to Jesus, 219

on taking "born again" literally, 290

on truth as liberating, 291

John (friend), 69

discussing impurity issues with, 240-41

sharing edible crickets with, 175 John the Baptist, survival diet of, 174 jokes:

Amish, 7, 32, 33-34

about circumcision, 319, 320

dirtiest ever, in The Aristocrats, 18

about five blondes in a bar, 73

about Mel Gibson's facial hair, 180

obstetrical, 206-7

practical, 290

puns generously classified as, 205 Jonah:

anger issues of, 83

in "great fish" or "whale," 337 Joplin, Janis, 115, 194

Joseph (son of Jacob), 144

Jacob's favoring of, 316-17

Rachel's divinely assisted

conception of, 19-20

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, 230

Joshua, reconciling science with the sun stopping for, 67

Josie and the Pussycats, 131

"Journal of By-gone Years: The Smuckers," 31

Jubilee Harps, 168, 169

Jubilee USA Network, 65

Jubilee year, 63-65, 262, 336

debts forgiven, workers stay home, markets collapse in, 64

plan to forgive third-world debt in, 64-65

Judah, Judeans:

prophetic warnings to, 89

Samaritans hated by, 216

Judaism:

Ashkenazi, polygamy banned by, 135

biblical interpretation in, 337 Catholicism and Protestantism compared with, 70

"deed over creed" as slogan of, 256-57

food-related ideas about, 173 holidays in, 77-80, 121

kindness to animals in, 162, 185-88

life trumping all (or nearly all) in, 77, 336

oral vs. written law in, 12

original biblical intent in, 70 reconciling biblical realities with, 245-46

Judge, Mike, beaten to fantasy punch, 26

Judgment at Nuremberg, atheism linked to, 97

Judith, Holofernes seduced and beheaded by, 53

kabbalists, white-wearing, 123

kaparot, ritual of, 160-65, 327

Botox and transubstantiation compared with, 162

money used in tamer versions of, 165

summarized experience of, 160 kaparot, ritual of (cont.)

vicariously sinful chickens used in, 161-62

see also chickens, ritual

Karaite calendar, 336

Karaite Korner, 307

Karaites:

extreme, but safe diet of, 307 theological minimalism of, 69 why it's best to forgo the "Mazal tov" with, 341

Kate, Aunt, 5, 125, 200

circumcision encouraged by, 318 consequences in Friday visit of, 72-73

as ex-uncle Gil's ex-wife, 12, 45-46

on filial disrespect, 110

as former cult follower, 46, 103 kaparot as practiced by, 165 meshuga nephew rebuked for overlooking oral tradition by, 12 on metaphor of the clutching wife, 111-12

mother driven to sticking tongue out at Hasidim by, 110

whoopee cushion gift of, 46 why AJ fretted over Jasper's toy blocks from, 327

Ken (atheist leader), 97-98

Kennedy, D. James, 54-55, 72

Kennedy, John F., 251

Kerby, Carl, pop culture monitored by, 61

Kevin (Bible study coleader), 283, 284

Khayyam, Omar, as bathroom reading, 124

Kill Bill, 131

Kings, First Book of, on those who pisseth against a wall (slay them all), 202

Kings, Second Book of, additional adult language in, 282

Kissinger, Henry, inner and outer nature of, 87

Knitting Factory, 68

Know-It-All, The (Jacobs), 95, 175, 203, 335

AJ quizzed by creationist on, 57-58

checking reviews and sales ranking of, 15, 128, 151, 241-42

cross-eyed woman fetish

references in, 36

last recycled line from, 337

optioned for a movie, 248

postpartum downer in completion of, 330

kohanim, sacred hand gesture of, 198 kosher rules, 68-69, 162, 169-72, 338 Kosher Sex (Boteach), 162

lamb, Passover sacrifice of, 211, 234-35

Lamb Chop (sock puppet), 211

lamb juice, 226, 235, 339

Lane, Robin, 176

language laws:

of Amish minimalism, 31

20 percent of AJ's sentences lost to, 29

see also forbidden speech;

forbidden words

lashon hara (evil tongue), 99-101, 158, 227, 251

see also forbidden speech

laws, biblical:

bizarre and ethically advanced, at times on same page, 42-43 Christian distinction between "moral" and "ritual," 48, 255 inexplicable, obedience to, 25, 148-49

in Torah, a total of 613 (AJ's list is longer), 69, 96

see also rules, biblical

Lee, Tommy, Thursday night with, 132

LeHaye Ice Hockey Arena, 269

Lennon, John, 102

Leopard-skin Bustier Woman, lust avoidance attempted on, 287

Lev (Israeli) (and fellow

germaphobe), tithing

negotiated with, 215

Levi, cousin, quirky but compelling beliefs of, 20

Leviticus, Book of:

on "an eye for an eye," 68

author of food and sex

prohibitions in (P), 200 on beasts you can eat, 169

on birds you can't eat, 170, 307 on daily payment of servant's wages, 42

on eating no manner of blood, 76 on fruit forbidden from recently planted tree, 8, 171-72 on homosexuality, 67, 135, 202, 266-67

on the Jubilee year, 63

on leaving your gleanings for the poor, 165

on loving your neighbor as yourself, 42, 43, 323

on making restitution, 331 on not confusing wife with mother, 316

on not mixing fibers, 15, 22, 43 on not trimming beards, 4, 180 on not trimming the sides either, 181

on period of male impurity, 240, 339

on rabbit's dietary habits, 59 on refraining from gossip, 156 on rising in the presence of the aged, 118

on the Sabbath year, 63

sex acts in Aristocrats banned by, 18

on stealing, 138

on stoning adulterers, 91

on which insects one may eat, if one is so inclined, 172, 174 on woman's period of impurity, 48, 51

Lewis, C. S.:

on Jesus without divinity, 265 on pretending vs. being better than you are, 324, 327, 341

Lewis, Shari, 211

Liar, Liar, 54

liberation motif, 284

Liberty University, forbidden things at, 262

Liddell, Eric, on feeling God's

pleasure, 38

Lieberman, Joe, 162

lies, lying, 10, 195, 248

to the Falwell folks, 262, 291 to help the poor, 167

how to cut back on, 54-55

"noncommittal compliments," 54 parental, inevitability of, 55-56 size, taste, and colorlessness of, 54-55

today's, just a sample of, 53-54

life:

AJ's entry in the Book of, 275-76 as balance sheet, 274-75

as challenging jigsaw puzzle, 112 curveballs of, 29

Ecclesiastes on the uncertainties of, 114

improved by believing in God, 248-49

as Judaic priority, 77, 336

vitalist view of, 248

see also everything

Lisle, Jason, 60-61, 63

Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth, 20

loopholes, ethical:

bird-headed humans (as allowable images), 105-6

for Christian polygamy, 136 of edible bugs in otherwise restrictive diet, 174-76

in restricting animal sacrifice, 160 in stoning adulterers, 91

Looy, Mark, 57, 59, 60, 107

Lot:

God's warning to, 57

two anti-Israelite nations the result of two succeeding intemperate nights for, 232-33

Lot's wife, family events missed by, 233

Lott, Clyde, 190

love:

for God, like love for wife, 53 for the sinner, not the sin, 263 unconditional, 275, 313

for your neighbor, 42, 43, 256, 321-25, 328

Lower East Side, cuisine of, 173-74

Lubavitcher sect of Hasidim, 85-87, 163

Luke, Gospel of, 200

on the blessed poor, 269

on choosing God over all else, 290 on forgiveness, 317

on Jesus proclaiming Jubilee year, 65

on John the Baptist in the womb, 308-9

on the Samaritan's compassion, 215-16

lust avoidance, 285-88

AJ's apartment cleared for, 129-30 day job's effect on, 29

keeping eyes on ground as aid to, 16

in strategy number one (she's the princess, you're the peasant), 286-87

in strategy number two (she's your mother), 28, 287, 288

in strategy number three (recite Bible passages to yourself), 287 in strategy number four (focus on the complete person), 288 when finance page is a turn-on, 129

Lutherans, 93, 256

Lynchburg, Va., 258-63

Maccabees, 121

magicians, killing of, 8

Mahalalel, Florida elders approaching

age of, 176

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, 102

Mail Boxes Etc., impatience and

wrath at, 15-16

Maimonides:

on religious food laws, 171

613 rules compiled by, 25

Maker's Diet, The (Rubin), 170, 173, 174

mandrakes, Rachel's disappointing use of, 19, 117

March, Fredric, 61

Margie (Julie's friend), foot washing offered to, 303-4

marijuana, Bible often scanned for a favorable word on, 233

Mark, Gospel of:

on picking up serpents, 294 on plucking out the sinful eye, 289 on rendering unto Caesar and God, accordingly, 283

Mark (friend), 29

marriage:

celibacy said to be superior to, 286

easy-to-follow steps for

introducing polygamy into, 136-38

Jesus' theoretical firsthand knowledge of, 256, 340

levirate, 146, 338

no-touching ban not necessarily bad for, 50

wife avoidance as monthly ritual in, 48-52, 153

Marti, Aunt:

as anticircumcisionist (or

proprepucist), 317, 318

in family photo shoots, 117 going vegetarian in honor of, 307 honey banned by, 173

on religious words to avoid, 110

Martin, Steve, "King Tut" song of, 45

masturbation:

in objections to IVF, 337

Onan mistakenly remembered for, 338

Mather, Increase, 339

Matisyahu, in top three, 162

Matthew, Gospel of:

on committing adultery in your heart, 286

on eunuchs in kingdom of heaven, 10

on forgiveness, 289

on giving to the poor, 272

on Golden Rule, 321

Jesus affirms and supersedes Old Testament in, 254

on Jesus bringing not peace but a sword, 271

Jonah's "whale" found in, 337 on judging not, 258

Matthew (preacher), 297-98

matzohs, 233

making and solitary consuming of, 234

Mazal tov, 341

megachurches, 259, 270

Memphis (Nancy's dog), AJ's success in finding a home for, 323-24

men, discussing emissions with (this isn't about global warming, as such), 240-41

Mental Floss, 100

Messianic Age:

Lubavitcher view of, 163

music improved in, 168

metaphors:

actualized by AJ, 122-23, 289 being born again, 290-91

Bible as divine snapshot, 328 biblical, fundamentalist

recognition of, 67

bungee jumping, 85

chopping off opponent's wife's clutching hand, 111-12

hating parents, wife, children, siblings, and own life, 290 for life, 29, 112, 274-75

literalized by prophets, 88-89 for loving God, 53

the Matrix wager, 249

picking up serpents, 294

plucking out an eye, 289-90 sex drive as a roaring dragon, 288 on tefillin wearing, 197

twins Perez and Zerah, 315-16 verbal pollution, 157

wearing all white, 123

see also food metaphors

Methuselah, 185

mezuzahs, 155-56

Micah, Book of, on justice and mercy, 37, 88

Michael (Jehovah's Witness), 74-77 AJ's out-Bible-talking of, 77 on blood transfusions, 76-77 Witness doctrine and FAQs explicated by, 75-77

Michal, modesty issues followed by infertility of, 84

Midler, Bette, where else she precedes Midrash, 335

Midrash:

bloodletting vs. peace as viewed in, 247

on how Jacob's neck was saved, 239

on how parting the Red Sea was managed, 13, 335

meanings of, 335

Miles, Jack, 145

Milton, Don, 136-38

mind:

openness of, 59-60

wandering of, during prayer, 53

miracles, scientific explanations of, 276-77

misinterpretations, biblical:

of "an eye for an eye," 68, 70 of being fruitful and multiplying, 19

of boiling baby goat in its

mother's milk, 69

of "Sin of Onan," 338

mistranslations, biblical:

of Gehenna, an ancient garbage dump, now "hell," 76

of "kill" for "murder," 156 of "leprosy" for generic skin disease, 50

of "locusts" for "carob pods," 174 of Moses' "horns" for "qaran" or beams of light, 66

of the rabbit "chews its cud" for "re-eats its food," 59

of "Red Sea" for "Sea of Reeds," 66

of "steal" for "kidnap," 138 of words like "impurity" and "unclean," 50

Moab, mother's ill-considered plan to repopulate the world with, 233

moral relativism, swimming in the muddy soup of, 39

Mormonism, 136, 302

Morrow, Jimmy, 280, 294-99

as affable fundamentalist, 295 speaking in tongues by, 298 Morrow, Jimmy (cont.)

as sympathetic to LBJ Democrats and Falwell eschatologists, 296 varieties of poisonous serpents handled by, 296

Moses, 211, 235, 299

as ever a slave to goodness, 143 five books of, 201; see also To r a h forty days spent listening to God by, 52, 69

God in two-sided argument with, 268

God's first words to, 59

God's parting words to, 153 Israelites commanded to write God's words on doorposts by, 155

Israelites impatient for return of, 16

Jesus compared with, 265

at Red Sea (movie version), 13 righteous anger of, 84

sacred anointing oil made with God's recipe by, 302

shepherding experience useful to, 212

mosh pits, Hasidic-style, 86, 121

Most Perplexing Rules:

admonition to chop off

opponent's wife's clutching hand, 111-12

ban on wearing clothes of mixed fibers, 22-25

capital punishment, 91-94

circumcision, 317-21

purification using perfect red cow, 188-90; see also red heifer

Most Violated Rules, 80-81

lying, gossip, anger, and touching impure things included in, 81 not making images of any kind, 104

vanity and coveting might also be mentioned, 81

mother, one's own, thinking of pretty woman as, 28, 287, 288

mother, pigeon's, respect for, 185-88

mother-son relationships, Julie's hopeful study of, 230

movies, 339-40

"R," "X," or "NC-17," 262 sanitized versions of, 131-32

Muhammad, riots over published cartoon depictions of, 104

multiplying, see being fruitful and multiplying

murder:

as appropriate word in Sixth Commandment, 156

evil tongue compared to, 99 penalty for, 91

Muslims, 97

Third Temple location

problematic for, 190

see also Islam

myrrh, buying and smelling of, 302-3

Nachshon, Red Sea's timely parting for, 13, 253-54, 335

Nancy (neighbor), 115-16, 235 book idea of, 194, 244, 306, 323 death of, 321-23, 326

hallway conversation with, 243-44 on her sketch of Jimi Hendrix, 325

home found for pet dog of, 323-24 as Jasper's unofficial godmother, 116

memorial service for, 323

Natalia (niece), bat mitzvah of, 325-26

Nathan, parable of greedy rich man told to King David by, 195

Nazirites, strict rules of, 181

Nebuchadnezzar, Hebrew faithful unscorched by, 77

Negev Desert, 210-12

Nerf bat, Jasper spanked with, laughing hysterically, 40-41

Neta (TV producer), 210

New Catholic Dictionary, 274

New Testament (Christian Bible), 68, 119

circumcision optional at best in, 319

guidance on Christmas absent in, 121

hammering out approach to, 11, 253-57, 283

heavenly reward promised in, 114

on obedience to human

institutions, 283-84

polygamy not overturned by, 136 see also Bible; specific books New York City:

beards observed at fertility clinics of, 117

coveting as energizer of, 26

multicellular organisms in tap water of, 140

return of the neorighteous to, 227-28

70 percent of talk in, 99

traffic signals as helpful hints in, 284

ultrareligious compatriots in, 201 walking around with exposed cash in, 197

New York City Atheists, 96-98

New Yorker, 74, 338

New York Times, 17, 71, 192, 264, 271, 272, 327, 340

Nicodemus, "born again" confusing to, 290-91

Nimoy, Leonard, racy use of tefillin by, 198

9/11, God's judgment as cause of, 113, 260

1976 Plymouth Valiant, odor of sanctity in, 8

Nineveh, Jonah's refusal to preach to, 83

Ninth Commandment, 54

see also perjury

Noah:

as first flesh eater, 307

Ham's mocking of, 242-43

if he were alive today, 152

Noah's Ark, 59-60, 62, 123, 218, 259 biblical instructions for building of (cubits, gopher wood, etc.), 77

cute toys based on, 116

Darwinian evolution at odds with, 67

Noah's Ark: A Feasibility Study, 59-60

animal exercise, ventilation system, explosive gases covered in, 59

Numbers, Book of:

on attaching blue thread to tassels, 180

on the perfect red heifer, 188 on those who fell on their faces, 101

on wearing tassels, 6

obsessive-compulsive disorder ( OCD), 36, 48-49, 148

religions preeminent in, 148

October religious holidays, 78

Office Space, 26

Old Testament, 335

creationism tied to, 56

see also Hebrew Bible; Torah; specific books

olive oil lamps, 304

Onan, eponymous sin pinned on, 146,

338

144,000 pious souls, Heaven reserved

for, 75

Ono, Yoko, guru troubles of, 102 oral laws:

Aunt Kate's reproachful reminder

of, 12

received by Moses on

mountaintop, 69

theological minimalist rejection

of, 69

Origen, over-hasty self-castration of,

Orthodox Jews, see Jews, Orthodox oxen, sacrifice of, 8

paganism, 96, 151, 267

Palestinians, 217

Palm Treo, wrongs recorded as

"Stuff" on, 273-74

pantheism, 103, 152-53, 212

paper cuts, painless slaughter likened

to, 162

parenting, 39-41

of Bart Simpson vs. Flanders kids, 126

cultist chill in, 7, 46, 103-4

parenting (cont.)

dangers in loosey-goosey style of, 125-26

favoritism toward a twin in, 237- 40, 316-17

at feeding time, 55

free will and Purell applied in, 109

hand spared "as object of love" in, 40

as inevitably dishonest, 55-56

Nerf bat used with predictable results in, 40-41

nightmare scenario in, 39

overprotectiveness in, 108-9, 310-11

painful battles in, 278-79

predominance of males in, 229-30

shift away from extreme

individualism in, 146

transparency tried in, 55-56

walloping as H-bomb of, 40 parents, honoring of, 8, 73, 140, 241-43

by ancient Israelites, 241

with biblical year in mind, 242-43

guilt feelings about, 241-42 Pascal, Blaise, 249

Pascal's wager, 249

Passover, 87, 211

Passover seder, Jacobs family, 233-36

AJ's grandmother's childhood memories read at, 235-36

AJ's raiment at, 234

doorposts painted with lamb's blood at, 226, 235, 339

ex-uncle's maniacal charisma needed at, 234

past secular versions of, 233 Paul, Apostle:

celibacy recommended by, 134, 286

"Circumcise the heart" advised by, 319-20

paganism, not homosexuality, seen as target of, 267

on short hair for men, 11, 181

as talking robot, 58

see also specific epistles

Paul (friend), 6, 231

Pay It Forward, 310

payot (side locks), 181-82, 202

cute Israeli blond's fetish for fondling of, 288

peace, striving for, 256

Penuel, Jacob's divine wrestle at, 53

People magazine, 108, 332

people who look or act like:

Garth Brooks, 161

Gary Busey (if Gary Busey had his hair parted in the middle), 75 George Burns, 138

Jack Nicholson (after electroshock therapy in Cuckoo's Nest), 188 Janis Joplin (thirty-five years later), 115

Joe Torre, 270

Kaczynski, Lincoln, or Moses, 3 Laurel and Hardy, 86

Nick Nolte (after a couple of vodka tonics), 294

Oscar de la Hoya, 49

Paul Reubens, 60

Ray Liotta (in Goodfellas), 310 Sean Penn (in I Am Sam), 152 Steve Buscemi, 297

a strapping Jackie Mason, 97 they've just been circumcised, 55 Thomas Jefferson, 4

an ultrareligious Donald Trump, 224

Perelman, Ron, 167

Perez and Zerah, 147, 315

perjury, penalty for, 91

Perkins, Bill, 287

Peter, First Epistle of:

on the end being at hand, 327 on obedience to the emperor, 283

Peters, Bill, 64

Pharisees, 198, 219

sanctimonious legalism of, 119

Philistines, Isaac's strategem against, 144

Phillips, Kevin, 335

pigeons, kosher, for mandated mother and egg separation, 184, 185-88

"pigskin," overliteralization of, 203, 209

pig's valves, life trumps all with, 336 Pirkei Avot: Ethics of the Fathers, 244 Playboy, Magic Marker censorship of, 130, 302

playing cards, avoiding contact with, 203

polygamy, 135-38, 187, 208, 337-38 ancient Israelite practice of, 135 Bible study helpful in arranging for, 137

how to get the point across to wives in, 137-38

persecution against, 138

telling prospective second wife about the present wife in, 137

polytheism, 183, 242

pop culture:

creationist monitoring of, 61 famed landmarks of, 132

population boom, twins a

contribution to, 159

Portnoy, Eddy, 23

AJ told of animal sacrifice venue over lunch with, 160

poverty, the poor, 6, 197

global, 64-65

Red-letter Christian views on, 269-71

sleep-induced, 106-7

prayer, 21-22

appealing repetitions of, 148 in bathroom Sabbath, 124

cognitive dissonance

demonstrated in, 21

without conviction, 192-93

decompression effect of, 127 "God willing," 236-37

of grace, before or after meals, 95, 337

intercessory, 127-28

for Jasper, 247

mojo at work by, 152

prefabricated, 53

punctual attendance at, 142 as sacrifice of time, 208

scheduling of, 53, 126

for serpent handlers, 299

the Shema, 155, 242

for spiritual guidance, 263

study indicating potentially poor effects of, 128

thanksgiving, 94-96, 208, 322-23, 329, 331

when introducing one's first wife to polygamy, 137

pregnancy:

long-awaited, good things

resulting from, 19-20

as Lot's surprise, 233

real, undisputed, and multiple, 158-59, 312

in Tamar's tale, 146-47

Previn, Soon-Yi, 28

prodigal son, parable of, 274-75 profanity, 281-83

see also forbidden speech

Promised Land, 173

prophets:

as ancient David Blaines with orders from God, 88

false, with loincloths on their heads, 89

reading of, 37, 88-89

Prosperity Gospel, The, 273

prostitution, in Tamar's tale, 146-47 Protestantism, sola scriptura in, 70 Protestant Old Testament, 335

Protestant Reformation, 105

Proverbs, Book of:

on avoiding knowledge displays, 116

on avoiding wine and strong drink, 231, 232

on being slow to anger, 16, 80

on child rearing, 39-40, 108, 336

on frankness trumping flattery, 195

on he who is glad at calamity, 310

on how lust can undo one, 128

on how to come to a well-rested poverty, 106

King Solomon's practical guidance in, 10, 39-40, 137

on the Lord's keeping watch, 275

on not boasting about tomorrow, 236

on not despising one's neighbor, 115

Proverbs, Book of (cont.)

on the purposefulness of

everything, 205

on the rewards of righteousness, 249

on truth telling, 6, 53, 54

on walking with a forward gaze, 18

on weights and measures, 229 winking decried in, 205

on the wisdom of the humble, 30

Psalms, Book of:

on avoiding gossip, 99

evidence against global warming found in, 260

geocentricism also found in, 63 on God being with the righteous, 118

interactive deity in, 52

King David's authorship of, 137 "The Lord is all that" (hip-hop version), 9

on the Lord's life-giving precepts, 147

on monthly blowing the trumpet, 47

on playing the harp of ten strings, 167

on praise for the glory of the Lord, 207

on praying to God, 247

righteous urged to rejoice in, 250 on rising at midnight, 88

on thanking and glorifying the Lord, 219

"The Lord is my shepherd" (standard version), 21, 210 on unbelievers, 96

on unborn child, 308

on understanding God's precepts, 41

on wine gladdening the heart, 231

puns, winking with (antibiblical), 205

Purim, unobserved, 209

Puritans, Puritanism, 213

AJ's antisex streak in line with, 288

Epicureanism in biblical conflict with, 232, 239

neo-, 129

Sabbath taken seriously by, 71-72

purity laws, 48-52

fascinating but complex history of, in eight lines, 51

home life challenged by, 51-52 Judaic fixation with, 148

male haircutter required for, 181 Orthodox take on, 50

Samaritan (superstrict), 218

Purpose-Driven Life, The (Warren), 272

Putnam, Robert, on "bowling alone," 214

Qohelet, see Ecclesiastes

rabbis, Sabbath "rest" explicated by, 12

rabbits:

inspire lively treatise on profanity, 281-83

Wascally Wabbit now in cross hairs of creationists, 61 what they eat is their own

business, 59, 166

Rachel (Julie's friend), reassurances of purity from, 49

racial intermarriage, creationist view of, 59

racism, a lesson from Jesus on, 328

Radical Honesty (Blanton), 196

ram's horn, see shofar

Reading the Bible Again for the First Time (Borg), 88, 284, 337, 338

Rebecca, as Isaac's pretended sister, 144

RECAP (Recover A Penis), 318

reconstructionism, extremist views of, 293

red heifer, 188-90, 192, 338

biblical description and ritual of, 188

end times and/or Jewish Messiah heralded by, 189

sticky issues in breeding of, 189-90

Red-letter Christians, 11, 67, 257, 269-71

Black-letter backlash to, 271 literalism of, 270

naming of, 270

political and social orientation of, 270

Prosperity Gospel seen as heresy by, 271

Reiner, Rob, Meathead role of, 93

religion(s):

absolute statements mocked by, 336

bowling alone or belonging in, 213-14

classifying OCD traits in, 148 compassionate, at their best, 245 dining with a spokesman for the arrogant side of, 221-25 losing control seen as slippery slope in, 103-4

picking and choosing in, see cafeteria religion

role of choice and responsibility in, 143, 251, 268, 332

science separate from, 67

unexpectedly mundane aspects of, 172

religious right:

homosexuality a cultural

obsession of, 266

political links of, 270, 271

radical teachings of Jesus ignored by, 270

religious study, relentless growth of reading list for, 29

Republican Party, religious right's ties to, 270, 271

Rescuing the Bible from

Fundamentalism (Spong), 290

Reuben, Jacob's anger with, 230

Revelation, Book of, futurist vs. pasthistorical view of, 191-92, 338-39

Richards, Elton ("pastor out to pasture"), 192

on Bible as divine snapshot, 328 on Falwell's Christianity vs. Jesus' message, 258

on four types of prayer (ACTS), 94-95

on how tithing should feel, 38 on inadequacy of Pascal's wager, 249

majestic food metaphors of, 13, 48, 327

on obedience to human vs. "higher" authority, 283-84 on verbal pollution, 157

Richman, Chaim, 190

Rick (cousin), 175

righteous idiocy, 118-19, 227-28, 310 ritual bath, 221, 240

rituals:

bird's nest, 185-88

dovetailing of AJ's OCD with, 148

foot washing, 30, 303-4

kaparot, 160-65

of obsessive gratitude, 268-69 off-the-rack vs. concocting your own, 148

of red heifer, 188

on starting the day, 141-42

tefillin wearing, 198-200

weird and little, AJ as prone to, 148-49

Rivka (cousin), Sabbath freezer rules observed by, 72

robe, biblical, 304

as embarrassing, polarizing, and ego rattling, 305

Robertson, Gordon, 191

Robertson, Pat, 11, 191, 262, 293, 296

Romans, Epistle to:

on the holy kiss, 296

on how God punished the sins of the Gentiles, 263

Rome, ancient:

apocalyptic literature on, 192, 339

book about an atheist arena carnage cleaner in, 97

Roose, Kevin, as AJ's biblical slave, by agreement, 244-45, 247, 305-7

Roosevelt, Eleanor, 7

Rosh Hashanah, 78

regretted solo observance of, 214

Rubin, Jordan, 170, 173, 174

rules, biblical:

AJ's OCD comfortable with, 48-49, 148-49

in Amish Ordnung, 30-31

as benignly choice-restricting, 142-43

for building a sukkah, 78-79 choice-restricting, how to choose among, 143

ends-justifying-means outlook vs., 139

forty-five on idolatry alone, 30 4,649 needed for creating a certified mezuzah, 156

learning to take joy in, 250-51 oft-neglected, 4

picking and choosing of, see cafeteria religion

reasons for discontinued

observance of, 12, 47-48, 160, 170, 240

revising original rule for

obedience to, 29

Sabbath, 71-74, 119

for sacrifice, 160

sanity loss risked by wholesale pursuit of, 119

for slaveholding, 245

on tassels, 338

as time consuming, 28, 119

as time saving, 148-49

see also laws, biblical; Most Perplexing Rules; Most

Violated Rules

Rules of a Godly Life (Amish book), 31

Russell, Bertrand, 80, 98

Ruth, Book of, Ruth's gathering of gleanings and Boaz in, 166

Sabbath, 143, 144, 220, 329

Christian debate over, 48

Karaite disengagement from

electric company on, 69 obeying traffic laws as urban

version of, 285

Pharasaic legalism about, 119 punishment for breaking of, 91-92 syncopated list of those banned

from working on, 156

two-hour headache caused by

paradoxical thought on, 71 unusual bathroom simulation of,

see bathroom Sabbath

weekdays, Saturday, or Sunday:

now everyone works, 71 week oriented around, 250-51 Sabbath year, 63, 336

sacrifice:

in Abraham and Isaac story, 109 crucifixion as, 47

of time, 208

tithing as, 38

Samaria, ancient, 117

Samaritan Bible, 218, 339

Samaritan calendar, 336

Samaritans, 11

AJ/CJ reference as icebreaker for,

216

biblical literalism of, 216-19 in Jesus' parable, 215-16, 219 lesson in Jesus' embrace of, 328 menstruation separation as

practiced by, 218-19

as one of Israel's lost tribes, 217 in "what if" scenario, 219

Sammy's Roumanian Steak House,

dining trauma at, 173-74 Samson, Delilah's doing and undoing

of, 181

Samuel, mother's prayer answered

with birth of, 20

Samuel, Second Book of:

on Absalom's death, 188

on David dancing, 84

Sank, Lew, peritectomies performed

by, 319-21

Sara (cousin), wedding of, 125

Sarah (biblical):

eventual pregnancy of, 19

Pharaoh understandably put out

about, 144

Saul, increasing paranoia of, 18 Save Darfur, 38, 327

Scalia, Antonin, "originalism" of,

65-66, 66

scapechickens, see kaparot, ritual of scapegoats, 161-62

Schlessinger, Dr. Laura, 202-3, 339 schmaltz hazards, 174

Schneerson, Menachem Mendel, proclaimed as the Messiah, 56, 163

Schoenberg, Doug, 320

gossip (technically) about, 81 Schoenberg, Eric:

as AJ's polymathic tormentor, 276

circumcision jest of, 320

on jam buyer experiment, 143

on miracles and science, 276-77 Schoenberg, Larry and Barbara (Julie's dad and stepmom), 307 Schulze, Reverend, 4

sciatica, risk factors for, 70

Scrabble, when not to play, 72

Seagal, Steven, beardlessness of, 3 Sea of Galilee, oceanographic

conditions met for Jesus walking on, 276

Second Commandment, 30

on AJ's Most Violated List, 104

as writers' rallying cry, 106 Second Temple, Roman destruction of (70 CE), 48, 51, 160

see also forbidden images; idols, idolatry

secular humanism:

AJ's alter ego on, 201

lure of, 96

seders, 211

see also Passover seder, Jacobs family

serpent handling, 280, 294-99

origin and spread of, 296

see also Church of God with Signs Following; Morrow, Jimmy Set Table, The (Shulchan Aruch), 143 700 Club, The, 191, 262

Seventeen magazine, Bible

camouflaged as, 9, 29

Seventh Commandment, 135

see also adulterers, adultery Seventh-day Adventists, 313

sex, sexual activity:

AJ's G-rated history of, 129

bathing (individually) required after, 8, 240, 339

celibacy or marriage as biblically

approved alternatives to, 134,

286

contraceptive, Onan's fatal

recourse to, 338

monthly abstention from, 48-52 taking your mind off, see lust

avoidance

when it's a capital offense, see

capital punishment, biblical Shake Rabbis and Roll (SR2), 68 shaking hands, purity laws supportive

of germaphobe's views on, 240 shatnez (mixed fibers), 15, 22-25, 43,

68, 91, 111, 122, 149, 203 testing for, 23-25, 36

Shayna (Jasper's friend), enviable

vocabulary of, 26

sheep, shepherding, 7, 204, 210,

211-12

as ideal entry-level job for

patriarchs, 212

an invitation to Samaritan

sacrifice of, 218

surprising noisiness of, 211-12 "Shema, the," 155, 242

shmata trade, 94

shoes, enigmatic rules for putting on,

142

shofar (ram's horn), 89, 90

a couple of clear notes produced

with, 206

forgetting to take it to New Jersey,

147-48

instructions for monthly blowing

of, 47, 206

Shulevitz, Judith, 71-72, 183, 251 side locks, see payot

sign of the cross, 255

Simchas Torah, 84

sins, chickens as vicarious atoners of,

160-65

sitting shiva, for potential life, 50 Slate magazine, 183

slave/intern, 244-45, 247, 305-7 slavery, 71, 244-47

benefits seen in, 246

cursed by inability to sell oneself

into, 113

slavery (cont.)

forcing kidnap victims into, 138

unpaid internship as closest we have to, 245

sleeping:

problems bearded people have in, 106-7

vulnerability in, 242-43

sleeping around, biblical restrictions on, 135-38

Slifkin, Natan "the Zoo Rabbi," 338 Smucker, Amos, 31-35

enviable monosyllables of, 157

guests entertained with jokes of, 32, 33-34

harmonica playing by, 34

Smucker, Anna, 31, 33

Smucker, Christian, 32

Smuckers, the strawberry-jam people, 32

snow, estimating Eskimo words for, 336

Sodom:

God's destruction of, 57

Lot's family in ill-starred flight from, 232-33

negotiating with the Lord about, 127-28

Sojourners magazine, 269

Solomon, King, 10, 114, 122

Book of Proverbs attributed to, 39-40

seven hundred wives and adultery concerns of, 135, 137

Song of Solomon:

on being sick with love, 133

B-word in, 134

as paean to erotic love, 134

soup kitchen (Holy Apostles Soup Kitchen in Chelsea--incredible place), 81-83, 186, 249

AJ asked, impolitely, to go away from, 82-83

AJ as victim of power play at, 82

AJ demoted to garbage duty at, 82

church youth groups often at, 301

hot female volunteers near front door of, 301

speaking in tongues, 298

speed limits, 284-85

Spicoli, Jeff, on the totally bogus, 233 Spinoza, Baruch, 107, 153

spiritual advisory board, 66

advice and context expected from, 11-12

on original menstruation laws, 50 Spong, John Shelby, on

overliteralizing God's words, 290, 341

Starbucks:

AJ in meeting with delusional other self at, 7

guy who for forty-five minutes monopolized the bathroom at (same person?), 81

kindness to strangers in, 188

lying about internet costs at, 53

stealing straws debated in, 139 Star Trek, 198

status quo theology, 284

stealing, 112-13

of neighbor's wireless signal, 112-13, 138, 139

rationalizing about, 139

unprincipled niceties spurned in, 138-39

stem cells, religious controversy on, 6, 308-9

Stone, Oliver, 131

street corners, how you can observe a lot by just watching on, 284, 285

street juggler, mid-act cell phone call taken by, 81

strychnine, drinking of, 296

subway, subway riders, 120

Bible reader as viewed by, 29

Hasidim as, 85

homeless ignored expertly by, 228

Mr. Kindness to Strangers flees from merry mendicant on, 228-29

sukkah (hut):

putting up of, 78-80

taking down of, 84

Sukkoth (Feast of Ingathering), 77-80 supplication, prayers of, 95

synagogue, passionate attendance at, 142

Taliban, 104, 293

Talmud, 36

on details of capital punishment, 94 on gossip as murder, 99

interpretive role of, 68

scholarly depth and breadth of, 182-83

semantic fine-tuning of scriptures in, 12

story of a pious fool and

drowning neighbor in, 119 walking in a jaunty, hoity-toity manner banned in, 187

Tamar's tale, 146-47, 315-16

Onan's actual offense in, 146, 338 twins in, 147, 315

tassels, 6, 17, 88, 92, 122, 142, 180-81, 192

biblical directions for, 338

on every corner of ex-uncle's clothes, 103

prefab (tzitzit), 180

purpose of, 80

safety pinned to shirt, 17, 80

Tassels without Hassles, 180

taxonomies, OCD religions replete with, 148

Taylor, Rip, gay reaction to shtick of, 56

tefillin (phylacteries; Jewish prayer straps), 103, 198-200, 221 AJ's previous brushes with, 198 free associating easily done with, 199

history and origins of, 198

how bird droppings can signal a problem with, 222

lesson in wrapping of, 198-99 rules for wearing of, gas ban included, 198

Teletubby Tinky Winky, evangelical outing of, 260

Temple Institute, The, 191

Temple Mount, in apocalyptic setting with red cow, Third Temple, and embattled messiahs, 190 Ten Commandments, 3, 10, 39, 52, 92, 138

in Ark of the Covenant, 84

Christian views on, 48, 254-55

constructing Tabernacle for, 77

dietary laws in spirit of, 170

disputed "Ten" in, 156, 338

minimalist beauty of six through eight, 156

Samaritan version of, 218

Scotch-taped copies of, 15

tied to head and hand, 35, 149, 198

written on doorpost, 154-56, 243

see also specific commandments Ten Commandments, The (movie), 13

glorious cheesiness of, 227

Tenth Commandment, 27

see also coveting

terrorism, post-9/11 jitters about, 209

Testaments, Old, New, or both, 10, 335

Thanksgiving, Passover compared with, 233

thanksgiving, prayers of, 94-96, 208, 322-23, 329, 331

theocracy, 253

Thessalonians, First Epistle to, on heathenish passion of lust, 285 Thessalonians, Second Epistle to, on giving thanks, 268

Third Commandment, 21, 281

see also God, name of

Third Temple, Jewish Messiah waiting for, 189

Thomas Road Baptist Church, 258- 63, 265

AJ's lying spree at, 262, 291

"cry rooms" at, 261

disorientingly friendly people in, 260, 294

singles group at, 260-61

see also evangelical Christianity; Falwell, Jerry

Tijuana donkey shows, feared coming accessibility of, 39

Tillich, Paul, 153

Timothy, First Epistle to:

on honoring widows, 313

on medicinally useful alcohol, 232 on modestly dressed women, 296

Tip (evangelical greeter), 260

tithing, 37-39

after-tax, 38

AJ's mental strategy for, 38-39 gleaning vs., 116

God's pleasure and AJ's pain in, 272

literary agent's fee not regarded as, 37-38

toilet paper, pre-ripped, 72

Tom (Falwell pastor), 262-63

tomorrow, God willing, 236-37

Torah (five books of Moses):

annual reading of, 85

Aunt Kate's passion for, 46

divine and animal nature seen in, 86

laws totaling 613 in, 69

Samaritan take on purity laws of, 218

supposedly written by J, E, P, and D, 201, 339

Tower of Babel, 314

brother-in-law seen as chief architect of, 276

traffic laws, obedience to, 283-85 downside and upside of, 284-85

Travolta, John, 122

TreeHugger web magazine, 304

T. rex:

blood vessels found in bone of, 60 vegetarian incisors of, 57

truth telling, 6, 53-54, 55

about biblical observance, 171 in Julie's new mind-reading game, 291-92

see also lies, lying

Tsedaka, Benyamim, 216-19

"tumah," mistranslation of, 50

Twain, Mark, on not letting those people go, 201-2

25th Hour, 131

twins, biblical:

Jacob and Esau, 237-40, 316-17 Perez and Zerah, 147, 315

twins, Jacobs:

AJ and Julie informed about, 158-59

birth of, 314-15

circumcision of, 317-21; see also circumcision

combativeness of, in utero, 237 gender revealed, 206-7

mentally preparing for, 229-30

Tyndale, William, execution of, 13

Unauthorized Version, The (Lane), 176

Unitarians, 256

universe, age, size, and light rays of, 60-61

upper respiratory disorders, as excuse for not touching women, 16

Upper West Side, 234

AJ as the Gandhi of, 8

elderly adulterer cornered in, 92-93

gleaning innovatively attempted in, 167

rare opportunity for good deed in, 249

turning heads in, 122-23, 169

Uriah, David's wronging of, 195

vegetarianism, 110, 117

universally observed until Noah,

307

Vilna Gaon, 70, 163, 199

virgins:

consequences of sleeping with, 135

how to look upon, 132

vitalism, 248

Volchok, Martha, 235

Walden Walking Stick, 234

Wallis, Rev. Jim, 67, 269-70

Wall Street Journal, front page of, 106 Warm Blankets Orphan Care

International, 272

warriors, beards as possible head

handles on, 223

Watson Adventures (scavenger hunts),

157-58, 338

Weinberg, Noah, on life as jigsaw

puzzle, 112

Weisman, Charles, 292-93

theocratic and racial dreams of,

293

Welch, Thomas, temperance advocacy

of, 231

West Bank, 217, 219

Western Wall, 227

binding tefillin on tourists at, 103,

221

high-voltage faithful at, 220 West Wing, The, 202-3

"What Does the Bible Really Teach?"

(Witness booklet), 75

"What Jesus Said about

Homosexuality," 266

When Good Men Are Tempted

(Perkins), 287, 288

white garments, 122-23, 300, 329 buoyancy experienced in, 167 celebrated wearers of, 122

darkening of, 167, 304

verbal equivalent of, 157

Whitfield, Daniel, biblical wine study

of, 232, 233

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, AJ's

ill-fated appearance on, 58, 276 Why I Am Not a Christian (Russell),

Why the Ten Commandments Matter

(Kennedy), 54-55

widows and orphans, confirmed,

offering cash to, 6

Wikipedia, 200, 214

Williams, Venus, pagan namesake of,

Wills, Garry, on Dominionist

influence, 293

Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory,

Natalie's bat mitzvah theme

as, 325

wine:

biblical views contradictory on,

231-33

Noah's imbibing of, 242-43 winkers, biblical warning to, 205 wireless piggybacking, 112-13, 138,

139

Wisconsin, Jews as "frozen chosen"

in, 36

witchcraft, penalty for, 91

Wolfe, Tom, AJ as biblical version of,

122

women:

avoiding unnecessary contact

with, 16, 229

best to stay out of clothes of, 15,

discussing monthly cycles with,

49, 240-41

ex-uncle's postprandial ritual

denied to, 224-25

Hasidic wallflowering of, 85, 87 how they came to be, 213, 322 Israelite husbands' rights to, 135 not permitted to speak in

churches, 328, 341

octogenarian and touchable, 249 prudent ways to think about, 28,

129

turned on by bad-boy things, 137 when biblical correctness requires

severing hand of, 111

Woods, Mary and Rick, 168

words:

B-, in Song of Solomon, 134; see

also forbidden words

biblical, verily, 99

final, 11-12

in Jasper's vocabulary, 26, 144, 152 no making of, on Sabbath, 72 "prehistoric," creationists'

rejection of, 61

rationing of, 157

"reverential," two-day high

produced by, 180

work:

Bertrand Russell's classification

of, 80

in building sukkah, 78-80

not working as, 251

Worldwide Church of God, 121

yarmulkes, 85

bald spots concealed by, 4 lack of mentions in the Bible of,

Yemenite Jews, world's sole kosher cricket favored by, 338

Yom Kippur, 78

done cluelessly and alone, 214 kaparot atonement rite on eve of, 160-65; see also chickens, ritual

Yossi (spiritual adviser), 93-94, 171, 182-83, 214

AJ at hot fashion show with, 286-88

parable of the two praying guys told by, 208, 219

story of Esther discussed with, 207

tefillin wrapping demonstrated by, 198

Zappa, Frank, 194

Zerah and Perez, 147, 31 --SWC

About the Author

A. J. Jacobs is the New York Times best-selling author of The KnowIt-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. He is the editor at large at Esquire magazine, for which he wrote the article "My Outsourced Life." He has also written for the New York Times, The Washington Post, and Entertainment Weekly. He lives in New York City. You can visit his website at ajjacobs.com.