Tickled Pink

OEDIPAL PANTIES

December 16, 1976

Dear John,

I got your letter and your little surprise! Should I say thank you, or should I just wait and show you how much I love them? I’ve never owned crotchless panties, you naughty boy. You ordered them through the Frederick’s catalog didn’t you? I can’t wait to wear them for you. Will you be ready to put them to good use when you come home on Christmas Eve? I promise, I’ll be quiet… we won’t wake your mother.

Oh, by the way… she keeps calling and asking if she should bring things. Like I don’t have a turkey baster or an egg slicer? Honestly, John. I am capable of cooking Christmas dinner, for pete’s sake! I made dinner for Thanksgiving, didn’t I? And don’t even start… I still say it was not my turkey and stuffing that made your little cousin, David, sick… it was all that damned candy she kept feeding him.

Anyway, I think I’m all ready this time, since I know a little better what to expect.

I’ve already set up the guest room for her. I told her that she could sleep in “my room” since there’s a nice double bed in there, instead of the twin, and that might be better for her back. She complained about her back to me for an hour on the phone (I’m not exaggerating, darling… I had the timer set for a casserole… it was a full hour!) but when I offered her the better bed, she said, “Oh, no, dear, I couldn’t take YOUR bed! YOU need to sleep in YOUR bed!” You don’t think she knows, do you?

She says she will be coming in a few hours before your plane arrives. I offered to pick her up at the bus stop, but she insisted on taking a cab. I wish it was the other way around, and you were arriving first, just so we could have a little time alone, at least. Is that selfish? Even if it was just a quickie bent over the kitchen table! Is that a good incentive? I’d wear my new black, lace crotchless panties, just for you, I promise. Can’t you get your flight changed and come in, just a little earlier? (So you can cum in… a little earlier? Ha)

You know I have been working all week, trying to get the house completely spotless. I know your mother. Christmas is going to be better than Thanksgiving, I promise. Remember how she went through the entire kitchen and rearranged everything last time? “There’s a right way and a wrong way, dear.” Yes, that is what she said. I’m not making it up. I’m trying to remember where she put everything, and just moving it there. Oh, and I never did tell you, but she went through my prescriptions last time. I swear to God, John. She said she was “consolidating!” And she threw out my birth control pills! “What did you need those for, dear? You don’t have a boyfriend, do you?” ARGH!

I wish you would just tell her, and we could stop playing this “roommate” game.

It’s been almost a year now! I know, I know… I understand why you don’t want to tell her. Maybe we can just elope and move to Alaska? Ha ha. I mean, everyone else in your family loves me, and we get along so well. I just don’t understand it. Am I so horrible? Your mother still calls me “That girl you live with,” or if I’m lucky, “Heiny.” (And just how does she get “heiny” from Hannah, I’d like to know? Don’t tell me about her accent-she doesn’t seem to have it when she pronounces anything else, and you know it!)

Oh, John, never mind, don’t pay attention to anything I’ve said. I should tear this up and not even send it to you. I know I’m venting and just nervous about Christmas and having your mother here, and trying to make sure she doesn’t get Felix sick again feeding him chocolate. Doesn’t everyone know that chocolate is poison for dogs? I’m still trying to get the stain out of the rug in the hallway from that little incident.

You know I don’t mean it, right? You know I just want it all to be perfect for you, for when you come home. I hate that you’ll be gone until Christmas Eve. I miss you so much. I want this to be our best Christmas ever. And I do so love my little surprise present… should I take naughty pictures of myself in them for you with the new Polaroid?

Do try to get your flight changed, won’t you? Please? I don’t want to be here alone… with your mother.

Love and kisses,

Hannah

December 30, 1976

Dear Mother,

Thank you so much for visiting us over the holidays. You really didn’t have to bring so much food! I told you that Hannah wanted to make dinner. Of course, your turkey was delicious, yes, but we really didn’t need two… of everything. And it was thoughtful of you to bring all the frozen meat as well. I’m sure we’ll be eating ham and pork loin well into the New Year. There was hardly room in our freezer for it all! It was very generous of you, Mother.

Oh, and honestly, Mom, the reason that I look thinner is because I’m working out again. I found a good gym near the office and stop by there most mornings. I’m getting plenty to eat, otherwise, though, I promise you. Hannah and I switch off cooking meals, and only eat out on Fridays. She really is a wonderful cook, Mother. I know you didn’t try much of her turkey (I didn’t think the brining made it taste too salty at all, I’m sorry you felt it tasted too much like ham!) but her asparagus was amazing, wasn’t it? Did you try any of that? I’m sorry, but she didn’t know you were allergic to sourdough bread, or I know she wouldn’t have put it into the stuffing. Is that a recent development?

I really am sorry that your back was bothering you so much. Honestly, you could have used my bed, or Hannah’s, either of us would have been happy to take the guest room. And I do apologize that Felix got sick all over the bed in the middle of the night We usually don’t allow him on the furniture. He sleeps in his cage at night. How did he get in there, anyway? It was an awful mess, I think that comforter will have to be thrown out. I’m sure he must have gotten a few too many leftovers offered to him, that’s all. He does have a sensitive stomach for a golden retriever.

Oh, and thank you for all the wonderful gifts you brought. How did you manage to get all of it into the cab? Didn’t the bus company have a maximum luggage limit? I don’t think I’ll have to buy clothes again for a year! Three new coats, and all those gloves and mufflers! I’ll be warm all winter, and for many to come, I’m sure!

It was nice of you to bring Hannah those different little shampoos, they’ll be perfect for when she travels. You certainly surprised her with all those cleaning supplies! And here I didn’t even know McDonald’s sold $5 gift certificates. Anyway, thank you for everything, Mother. I know Hannah’s already flipped through one of the two books you bought about finding Jesus, although she hasn’t gotten to the 6-video compilation of his life, yet. The “Jesus Saves” calendar will ring in 1977 with us, though, thank you!

I do apologize about the perfume Hannah bought. I thought for sure it was your favorite!? When did you develop all these new allergies? You really should get to a doctor, Mother. I think they have pills for that, now. I am glad you liked the earrings and the jacket I bought for you, though. I know I only got you each two gifts, but remember, that’s what we agreed on at Thanksgiving? I didn’t expect you to be so generous this year, after what we’d discussed! And I apologize that you liked Hannah’s jacket better than yours. When did black become your favorite color?

Oh, by the way, I did look into that little house you saw down the street, like you asked me to, but the agent says it already sold, they just haven’t had time to put the sign out front, because of the holidays and all that. I guess the houses around here sell pretty quickly. I doubt you’ll find one that doesn’t sell within a few weeks. It’s a hard neighborhood to buy in. I really love it here, though.

Anyway, thank you again for coming. We really appreciated having you here for the holidays. I know you mentioned doing Easter at your place. I think that’s fine. I don’t think Hannah is up for cooking another holiday meal so soon. Since she doesn’t have family here, though, you won’t mind if I bring her with me, will you? It’s hard to know that your roommate will be all alone on a holiday, when you’re off to a family dinner, you know? I know you understand, Mom.

Oh, and Hannah mentioned… her mother’s little silver serving tray is missing?

The one that she had all those little chocolates on? I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but since her parents have passed, those things are important to her. Did you happen to see it? I hope cousin David didn’t take off with it. He got sick again, and I think it was from all that candy.

Have a good New Year, Mother!

Your son,

John

January 12, 1977

My darling only son,

It was so good to see you over the holidays. I thought I would never make it, with all the stuff I had to carry. I wish someone had offered to pick me up from the bus stop!

That nice cab driver really helped me get it all into the car, though, so it turned out all right, after all.

I’m glad you liked the clothes. It’s so hard to shop for you, since I don’t see often enough, and never know what size to buy. I’m glad I bought belts with all the pants, though, it looks like you’re going to need them! I don’t care what you say, you’re too skinny, and after seeing your cupboards, it’s no wonder! You need to start eating real food, not all that processed boxed stuff, John!

Is that what she buys? Do you eat Pop Tarts for breakfast? You know I never would have allowed that, when you were living here. My boy should be eating a big, healthy, hot breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day!

But you know me, I’m not going to lecture you. You’re a big boy, you can do what you want with your life. I was so sorry to hear that little house just down the way from you wasn’t available anymore! It would have been perfect. It’s getting so hard for me to take care of all of the outside things, since your father passed. It would be nice to have you right down the street.

I sure do wish you would call more often. Your letters are nice, but with your job, I’m sure you can afford to call your mother at least once a week! Oh, and I really am sorry I upset your roommate while you were gone on that business trip. I didn’t mean to wake her, but you know, a mother worries, and I saw on the news that there was a gas leak somewhere in Ohio. If you’d told me you were going to be in Pittsburg that week, I never would have called!

The bus ride home was all right, although my back was killing me by the time I got home. I’m sure it was that little twin bed. I’m just used to a much firmer mattress.

The dog was a comfort to me at night, though, I tell you. He’s the best thing that ever happened to you, that Felix. What a sweetheart. I couldn’t stand him locked up in that awful cage. What kind of woman keeps an animal in a cage?

I did have a little concern about him that night he got sick, but I’m sure it wasn’t the chocolates. He was chewing on something at the end of the bed and it woke me right up. I didn’t know what it was… it looked like… well, like some sort of lacy, black slingshot? I took it from him right away and tossed it in the trash, but he kept going back after it so I tucked them in the night table drawer. I’m sure that’s what ended up making the poor dear so sick.

Anyway, thank you for giving me some of those wonderful Polaroid pictures you had me take of you and your roommate by the tree. Amazing gadgets aren’t they?

Aren’t you glad I bought you one? You can see the picture develop right before your very eyes… what will they think of next? They sure don’t hold together very well when you cut them, though… not like real pictures at all!

And now… John… I have to tell you something. I wouldn’t mention it, but honestly… it’s for your own good.

You need to be more careful and keep an eye on your things, because I think your roommate has been “borrowing” your camera. I really do question that girl’s morals. Did you know that there are naked pictures in her room? I can only assume they are of her-wearing some sort of… I don’t even know what!

And before you start in on me, it wasn’t my fault, I was looking for a blanket to cover Felix up with and found them in a drawer! All I can say is that I’m just so glad she’s reading the books I gave her for Christmas. Perhaps there is hope that won’t burn in hell after all.

I will definitely have Easter dinner here. I’ll make you a big ham! Please bring Felix with you, though. I will make up the guest room for him! If your roommate wants to come, too, well that’s okay. There’s always the pull-out couch. Your room is the same as it always was, darling, and always will be. You know that.

Love to you and call me soon,

Mother

p. s. About the missing serving tray. All I can say is, if your “roommate” was sleeping in her own bed… she would have already found it.