Trouble in Paradise

Twenty-Two

Copley Place was a high-end, upscale, vertical mall in the middle of Boston. It looked like every other high-end, upscale, vertical mall Jesse had ever seen. When you were in Copley Place, Jesse thought, you could be anywhere in western civilization. He had been in Copley Place for three hours, trailing behind Jenn, carrying bags, feeling like a husband, and rather liking it. But he knew he would have to tell her the secret thing he had done, and he was afraid. Usually Jesse could put the fear away, know it was there, but function around it. This fear nearly paralyzed him.

“You must be making the big buck,” Jesse said.

They were sitting beside the waterfall near the top of the escalator in the middle of the second floor.

“I get a clothing allowance,” Jenn said. “And I haven’t spent it all yet. Are you bored?”

“No,” Jesse said. “I like to be with you.”

Jenn smiled. But the smile was automatic, Jesse thought. She was looking at the display in a window down the mall.

“What do you think of that little suit?” Jenn said, “With the chalk stripe.”

“It would look good on you.” Jesse took a breath. “I followed you the other night when you were out with Tony Salt.”

Jenn kept looking at the chalk-striped suit for a moment, and then slowly she turned her head toward him.

“You followed us?”

“Actually I staked out your apartment. I saw you come home with him. I saw him go in.”

“And?”

“He spent the night.”

Jenn sat back against the bench and kept looking at him.

“Jesse,” she said finally, “how... how goddamn dare you?”

Jesse clenched himself and held tight.

“I don’t know,” Jesse said. “I’m ashamed of it.”

His voice was steady. Jenn continued to look at him. A woman brought her two small children to the waterfall and let them throw pennies in it. Then she moved on. The kids didn’t want to leave. There was an argument. The kids cried. The woman finally dragged them away.

“You... have... the... right,” Jesse said slowly, “to... date who... you wish and... spend the night with... who you wish.”

“Yes,” Jenn said. “I do.”

“I don’t know why I did that,” Jesse said.

“I don’t know why you’re telling me,” Jenn said.

“Because it’s the truth.”

“Do I have to know all the truth?”

“I don’t know,” Jesse said, “but I have to tell you all the truth.”

Jenn smiled. “Well, at least you know it’s about you and not about me,” she said.

Jesse stared at the artificial waterfall cascading discreetly into the artificial pool.

“I won’t do it again,” Jesse said.

Jenn could see the way his jaw muscles bunched at the hinges.

“Tell the truth?”

Jesse shook his head.

“I have to do that,” he said. “I won’t spy on you again.”

“Why do you have to tell me the truth, even if it’s a bad truth?”

Jesse shook his head as if to clear it. Jenn remembered his doggedness. It was a good quality sometimes, she thought, but not always.

Jenn asked again. “Where does it say you have to always tell me the truth?”

“No secrets,” Jesse said.

His voice sounded as if it were being forced through too narrow an opening. God, this is hard on him, Jenn thought. She leaned over and patted his forearm.

“It’s hard, Jesse,” she said. “You’re fighting the booze, you’re fighting this. It’s hard.”

“I don’t win this fight, I may not win the booze fight,” Jesse said and wished he hadn’t as soon as he heard it.

“I know, but I can’t help you with that,” Jenn said. “I can’t be with you so that you won’t drink.”

“It was the wrong thing to say. Following you was the wrong thing to do.” Jesse laughed angrily. “I’m on a roll.”

“It’s not that bad,” Jenn said.

“It was the wrong thing to do,” Jesse said.

“Of course it was, but it hasn’t changed anything. I’m not going to give up on this because you once acted like a jerk.”

Jesse nodded.

“You don’t act like a jerk too often anymore,” Jenn said.

Jesse grinned at her without any happiness in the grin.

“I’m not sure I like the ‘anymore’ part,” he said.

“How about, you never act like a jerk when you’re working,” Jenn said.

Jesse nodded. “It’s why I work,” he said.