Turn It Up

Chapter Eighteen

“You nearly ready to go?” Tasha rounded the corner and stopped in dismay. He had all three of his linked computer screens active, and the entire surface of the desk covered with papers. “Max, we’re supposed to be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Damn. Just…give me a second.” He peeled himself away from the computer, stripping off his T-shirt en route to the bathroom. Tasha stood in the doorway, adjusting her stance to let the weight of the baby sit somewhere other than against her bladder.

This kid was far too interested in dancing on that part of her anatomy when it was the most awkward.

“You okay on going out tonight?” she asked.

“Of course. I got distracted for a bit.”

Tasha attempted to read his expression, wondering if it was her overactive imagination kicking in. Her old fears and worries were still too easily raised. She glanced at herself in the mirror. Three weeks to go until the baby arrived. While she’d managed to keep from gaining too much weight, she was certainly not a fit and fabulous twenty-something. Not even a fabulous thirty-year-old. She looked…pregnant. After a full day of work, and a few too many restless nights of sleep, she had begun to understand what the books and classes had warned about—losing energy for anything but the most basic of tasks.

She refused to slow down. Next week they got to move into their new house. There was so much to do to get ready, including the surprise she’d been keeping from him.

What if she curled up tonight with a book like she longed to? Maxwell would also ignore the summons from the family, and it would be another night of family activity he would have missed because of her.

Damn if she’d be the one to come between him and his family.

He soaked his entire head under the taps, popping up to rub his dark hair with a towel. The short strands stuck every direction and she smiled. Physically he was as intriguing to her as he’d been when they started this adventure. One more glance in the mirror, and doubt hit her hard. She was far more than the woman she’d been back then, and having him say he wanted this baby didn’t mean he’d been prepared for the changes in her body.

The kiss he pressed on her cheek was rushed and brief, and a flutter of apprehension assaulted her. Freaking pregnancy hormones. Tasha didn’t know if she was coming or going at times. Trying to figure out if she had a reason to be legitimately worried, or if it was just the pregnancy making her into a crazy woman was maddening. She kept it subdued on the ride over, not wanting to voice her concerns before what was supposed to be a fun and relaxing event.

They were only a few minutes late, and the teams hadn’t been chosen yet.

“Dibs on Tasha and Junior,” a couple of voices called simultaneously, laughter ringing through the room.

Max waved and bent to whisper in her ear. “I hope they know they’re getting a pair of slightly sleepy teammates.”

“Talk to your daughter,” she whispered back.

They grinned at each other and she made another vow to try and trust that he’d keep loving her. First, she had to survive the night.

When they stopped the game for a stretch break, people scattered to grab snacks and drink refills. Tasha heaved herself vertical, Max at her side as always.

“You want an elevator to help you with that?” someone joked. She held back her retort, not sure how a fuck off would be received. Laughter rose and she turned to spot Max deliberately aiming his middle finger at the funnyman and she had to smile.

“I’ve asked Max to design a levitation system.” More amusement surrounded them and he squeezed her fingers. There were times it was hard to remember people didn’t really mean any harm, and a light joke carried the unintended hurt off quickly.

She hightailed it for the bathroom, or as fast as she could now that her pelvic floor seemed to be made up of all baby, with no room for her legs to swing. In spite of promising to maintain her “take it with a sense of humor” policy, if anyone said one word about waddling, heads were going to roll.

She slipped out the back door when she was done, staring into the green of the yard. Summer was attempting to take over completely from spring, with a freshness in the air that she’d longed for. Her internal heaters were set high enough to keep her, and Max, warmer than they liked most nights, but she loved this time of year. A pair of chairs tucked in the darkness beckoned, and she wandered slowly toward them, intending to sit and relax in the quiet for a bit.

Until she noticed one chair was already occupied. Lila stared at her in dismay before her expression wiped clean, her face blank.

Tasha swayed from foot to foot, uncertain what to do. Seeing her old friend was awkward, uncertain. She’d all but given up on her.

“You may as well sit down,” Lila offered, bitterness tingeing her voice.

Uncomfortable. Edgy. The injustice of the situation swept up and surrounded her. They’d been such good friends before—at least Tasha thought they’d been. But good friends didn’t completely stop talking to each other. Since that cutting conversation back before the wedding, she could count the number of words they’d exchanged on one hand. Her best friend had avoided her like the plague.

Did she want to sit down? Try to have a conversation and figure out why Lila had deserted her? There were nearly a year’s worth of memories that had been lost between them. Sudden anger hit, a need to discover an explanation for the hurt Lila had caused. Tasha sat carefully, the wicker chair seeming too fragile to hold her and her precious cargo. When she finally settled she looked up to see Lila’s gaze burning on her belly.

Tasha deliberately stared into the backyard, hoping that out there somewhere she’d find exactly what she needed to say. Did she tell Lila how much her rejection had hurt? The woman had to already know. Should she ask her why?

Did she really want an answer?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you and Max were going to be here. I would have stayed away.” The ease with which Lila spoke made the lump in Tasha’s throat seem baseless. Why was she hung up over something Lila had obviously already put behind her?

Because it was years of friendship? That streak of anger rose again.

“There are a lot of family events, Lila. It seems stupid that you’re going out of your way to avoid us. In fact, I’ll say it. The whole situation seems idiotic. I don’t understand why you’ve gone and smacked me in the face like this. Why you put our friendship aside just because Maxwell and I got together.”

“I don’t need to justify myself to you.”

Tasha sighed. “It’s not asking for justification, it’s asking for any reason that makes a lick of sense. If we’d done something to hurt you, I could see it, but it’s like you flipped a switch. One minute we were friends, the next we weren’t. Can’t you see why I don’t understand?”

Lila glared. “You want me to say something like I didn’t approve of you two being together because I was concerned about the difference in your ages. I was soooo worried, because I know what it’s like to have been in love with someone younger than me, and I know the terrible heartache when they decide to go back to girls their age.”

Tasha stilled. The words were sarcastic, and over the top melodramatic—it was obvious Lila was being a shit. “But that’s not the truth, is it?”

The other woman made a face. “Of course not. And it’s not because I was worried about him hurting you, like those other jerks you’d dated who broke your heart. Even though I had to listen to you build your life up again, help convince you that you were a valuable person in spite of the shit your family led you to believe. It’s not because I was worried that my friend had gone and seduced one of my younger cousins simply for the purpose of finally finding a decent guy.”

The words slashed like knives, cutting into her soul. “Why are you acting like this? Are you sad I found someone to love and you didn’t?” That was the only possible explanation Tasha had thought of.

“Oh, yeah, that must be it. I’m longing for a guy to come along and make me whole. I really want to get pregnant. I want someone who will be there to make me change my life to suit him, but when he decides he’s had enough of playing grown-up, or when he decides that my body isn’t beautiful enough anymore…he’ll leave.”

Bitterness poured from Lila along with a lack of understanding of what being with Max was like. There was a rotten taste in Tasha’s mouth from simply listening to Lila spew her garbage.

If she could have risen from the chair dramatically she would have, but she was trapped. Instead, Tasha let the frustration she felt escape in her words.

“It’s clear you don’t want to share why you’ve written us off. I guess I should say thank you for avoiding me since you’re not able to explain what’s wrong. I wonder that you were ever really my friend since you threw it away so easily.”

Lila laughed. Brittle, and harsh. “I have no idea why, but the thought of you two drives me mad. Jesus, Tasha, I don’t understand it myself. I’ve tried to reason it out. Am I jealous? Am I upset that you seemed to give up all your vehemently sworn ideals in a flash? I don’t know. Maybe you’re right and we never were friends. All I know is that I’ve tried my damnedest, yet all I see when I look at the two of you is pain. Whether that’s me projecting my failings on you, I don’t know. It’s just not worth it, okay? You go on with your life, and I’ll go on with mine, and sometime I’ll learn to be polite to you guys, but right now, I can’t.” She stood and walked away without another word, tearing apart the final threads of attachment that Tasha had still clung to even after all this time.

Tears fell. Tasha rocked in her chair, arms wrapped around her belly. She’d seen this coming. Hell, she’d thought she’d already given up on Lila, but having that last bit of hope torn from her burned. The refreshment of the evening retreated as misery filled her.

Those were acidic words that had been spoken, and she shouldn’t listen to them. She knew that, knew better than to take to heart something meant to cut and rip. Still, the old fears snuck out from where she’d hidden them, to taunt her with their cruel bite.

Lila, who had been her friend, had left her. Completely. Unreasonably. It had to be her fault. There must be something intrinsically wrong with her that made people reject her.

Doubt and fear settled like a heavy black blanket, smothering her joy. She fought back, searching her memory for the truths she should cling to. Max had shown his love a million different ways. How could she not accept it? Take hold of it with both hands and let herself love him?

She willingly acknowledged he loved the baby. He cared so much for family, there was no way she could deny that, no matter what, Maxwell would be there for their child. He’d also said he loved her, but that was still much harder to believe, especially with Lila’s fresh dismissal piercing her heart.

She wanted to believe. Wanted to love him back, but that last step was proving more than she could take. Call her a fool, say she was crazy, but even almost a year of being loved wasn’t long enough to erase the pain of too much previous rejection.

The baby rolled, feet and elbows bulging the surface of her skin and she sniffed, running a hand over the thin layers separating them. This was the only truth she knew to be absolutely real. There was someone here who was going to need her and would accept her completely.

“Tasha, where are you?”

She wiped her eyes frantically as Maxwell stepped down the porch toward her. “Here.”

“I was worried. Not even you take that much time in the bathroom.” The teasing tone in his voice matched his expression for a split second as he knelt beside her. Then he spotted her tears and swore. “Hey, what’s up? You feeling okay?”

He dropped a hand to cover hers where it rested on her belly. She grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him close, burying her face in his neck. Leaning against his body in an attempt to draw strength from him. While the evening was tainted with the poison of Lila’s words, she didn’t want to make it worse by giving Max ammunition to want to hunt his cousin down.

The constant rubbing of his fingers along her neckline soothed her, but she’d had enough. “Just hormones. Can we go home?”

“Of course. I’ll grab our things. You don’t even have to come back into the house.”

Yeah, that would be good to avoid. Having to explain that Lila had been cruel, or blaming the tears on the baby—neither of them sat right. He helped her up, his hands tender on her body as he brought her to the car and seated her.

“Let me say good night for us and I’ll be right back.” He raced up the stairs with his usual energy as she collapsed back in the seat, grateful to be away from the crowd and any reminders of the twisted conversation.

They couldn’t go on this way. Somewhere she had to find the strength to take the final steps needed to rid herself of her fears.