Twilight

Chapter 17

Leafpool picked her way through the undergrowth, ears pricked for the sound of pursuit. Ever since she had returned from meeting Crowfeather to find her sister waiting for her, she had been terrified of being followed. Her belly clenched with pangs as sharp as hunger when she imagined the rest of her Clan finding out what she was doing. They’ll find out sooner or later, a voice inside her mewed.

The quarrel with Squirrelflight still haunted her. Without the closeness she had shared with her sister since they were kits, Leafpool felt utterly alone in her Clan. But she couldn’t tell Squirrelflight the truth, and she couldn’t give up her meetings with Crowfeather. He was the only cat she could talk to now.

She’d tried to work up enough courage to tell Cinderpelt, but the medicine cat seemed obsessed with restocking her supplies, hunting through the territory for the tiniest signs of new growth. Besides, Leafpool was afraid Cinderpelt had already guessed her secret and was showing her disapproval in an uncharacteristic quickness of temper. She missed the afternoons they had spent talking back in the forest, when their paws had been busy sorting berries and leaves. Now her mentor seemed distant and more judgmental, less of a friend than she had always been.

In desperation, Leafpool had considered telling her mother, approaching her one evening by the fresh-kill pile.

But Sandstorm had been discussing the best hunting grounds with Dustpelt, only giving her daughter a friendly nod before returning to the debate. And as for Sorreltail, Leafpool’s friend was so close to having her kits that she spent all her time with Daisy and Ferncloud in the nursery. Apart from when Cinderpelt asked her to take strength-building herbs to the queens, Leafpool kept away.

She paused when she heard a twig snap, freezing with one paw in midair. But it was only a squirrel, jumping down from an oak tree and racing in the opposite direction. Leafpool took a deep breath and carried on. A little earlier, at sunset, heavy rain had fallen from thundery black clouds. The skies were clearer now, but every fern and grass stem was loaded with drops of water, reflecting the pale glow of moonlight.

Leafpool’s pelt had soaked through long ago, the cold seeping into her skin. Stopping to shake herself, she gazed up at the waning moon. It would have to wax again before her next visit to the Moonpool, yet she longed to lie down beside the water and share tongues with StarClan in her dreams. But what if StarClan refused to speak to her again?

“Oh, Spottedleaf,” she whispered, “I wish you’d tell me what to do.”

Leafpool’s head spun with weariness. She had been meeting up with Crowfeather every few nights, leaving her short of sleep and restless whenever she was away from him.

During the day she had to pretend to Cinderpelt and the rest of the Clan that she was as committed as ever to being a medicine cat, that the only important thing was where to find juniper berries or easing the stiffness from the elders’ leaf-bare-damp joints.

You can’t go on like this, the small voice warned her.

Crowfeather had said the same thing: “We can’t go on like this, Leafpool. We’ll never be together unless we leave our Clans.”

Leafpool had stared at him in horror. Through all their difficulties, her fear and guilt warring with her love, she had never really imagined that they would have to leave their Clans. “Crowfeather, we can’t!”

Crowfeather shook his head. “It’s the only way. Will you think about it, please?”

Reluctantly, Leafpool had nodded. “All right. I will.”

But how could she give up her life as a medicine cat, give up her Clan, her family, her friends? Whatever decision she made, she was afraid she would not survive the loss.

Close to the border stream, she tasted the air for the first traces of Crowfeather’s scent; every hair on her pelt prickled with excitement as she detected it, and a heartbeat later she made out the lean gray-black warrior waiting for her in the shadow of a bush on the WindClan side of the stream.

“Crowfeather!” she called, bounding forward.

“Leafpool!” Crowfeather sprang to his paws and his tail shot straight up as he spotted her.

She halted on the brink of the stream. Crowfeather climbed down the bank and splashed through the water as if he hardly realized it was there. Hauling himself out on the ThunderClan side, he padded up to Leafpool, droplets spinning from his pelt as he shook himself. His scent wreathed around her and she shut her eyes blissfully.

“I’m so glad you could come,” Leafpool purred. “Did you have any trouble getting away from camp?”

Crowfeather was about to reply when he froze, ears standing up. At the same moment, Leafpool heard a rustling in the bushes behind her. ThunderClan scent flooded her senses.

She spun around.

“All right, Squirrelflight, come out!” she snapped. “I know you’re there.”

There was a brief silence. Then the bracken in front of her parted and out stepped not Squirrelflight, but Cinderpelt.

“What… what are you doing here?” Leafpool stammered, casting an anguished glance over her shoulder at Crowfeather.

The medicine cat limped forward and faced her calmly.

“You know what I’m doing, Leafpool. I’m here to tell you that this has to stop.”

Leafpool stiffened. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t lie to me, Leafpool. Not with that WindClan warrior standing there, on our territory.”

There was no anger in her blue eyes, only concern. Her steady gaze pinned Leafpool like a claw, until the younger cat had to look away. “I suppose Squirrelflight told you to follow me,” she muttered.

“Squirrelflight? No. I was collecting herbs when I picked up your scent, and a WindClan cat’s close by. I came to see what was going on. Besides, do you think I didn’t suspect you’ve been sneaking out at night?”

Terror flashed through Leafpool. “You’ve been spying on me!”

“I didn’t need to,” Cinderpelt meowed. “You’re obviously so exhausted that you can’t do your job properly. Only yesterday you tried to give Sootfur borage leaves instead of water mint for his bellyache. As for Crowfeather, I can’t say I’m surprised. Do you think I haven’t noticed the two of you at Gatherings? I’m not blind, Leafpool.”

“Wait,” Crowfeather began, stepping forward to Leafpool’s side. “This is between me and Leafpool. She’s not betraying her Clan, if that’s what you think.”

Cinderpelt fixed him with a stern gaze. “I never imagined she would. But she shouldn’t be here with you, and you know that as well as I do.”

Crowfeather bristled. Leafpool’s belly lurched, terrified that the aggressive young warrior might launch himself at the medicine cat with claws unsheathed.

“It’s okay, Crowfeather,” she mewed. “I can handle this.”

Reluctantly she added, “You’d better go back to your camp.”

“And leave you alone to get your ears clawed?”

“Cinderpelt won’t do that. Please,” Leafpool begged.

Crowfeather hesitated a moment longer, limbs stiff with anger. Then he swung around and bounded back across the stream; Leafpool’s gaze followed him until he vanished into the undergrowth on the other side.

Turning back to her mentor, Leafpool sank her claws into the ground. “We aren’t doing any harm,” she mewed.

“Leafpool!” Cinderpelt’s tone hardened and she lashed her tail. “Crowfeather belongs to a different Clan, but that’s only the beginning. You’re a medicine cat. You can’t fall in love.

Not with Crowfeather, not any cat. You have always known that.”

I knew it, Leafpool wailed inwardly, but I never knew what it would mean!

“It’s not fair!” she meowed. “I’ve got feelings too, just like any other cat.”

“Of course you have. But a medicine cat has to control those feelings for the good of her Clan. The path we follow has its own rewards. I’ve never felt cheated by the destiny StarClan sent me.”

Every word she spoke tore into Leafpool like a badger’s fangs. Fury surged inside her. “You can’t possibly understand!” she spat. “You’ve never been in love!”

Cinderpelt’s blue gaze rested on her, unspoken thoughts flickering like minnows in her eyes.

“It’s easy for you,” Leafpool went on bitterly. “You’ve never wanted anything else.”

The medicine cat flexed her claws, and her neck fur began to rise. “How do you know what I want?” There was the hint of a snarl in her voice. “How do you know what hopes I gave up to follow the path StarClan laid down for me?”

Leafpool flinched. She had never seen Cinderpelt this angry.

“You’ll come back to camp with me—now!” Cinderpelt growled. “And stop this nonsense for good. It’s for your own sake, Leafpool. Meeting Crowfeather can’t be right if you have to lie and sneak around in the shadows. I haven’t spent all this time training you to be a good medicine cat for you to throw it away like this. Your Clan needs you!”

“No! I won’t come!” A gale of guilt and anger swept through Leafpool. “I’ll go on seeing Crowfeather whenever I want to, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!”

Cinderpelt’s eyes flashed and she launched herself at Leafpool, claws out. Leafpool turned tail and ran. As she fled, all she knew was that she must escape from that accusing stare, those lashing claws. The forest whirled past her as if she were caught up in the wind, and when exhaustion finally forced her to stop she wasn’t sure where she was.

She was standing on the edge of a narrow valley with gorse and bracken growing on each side. In the distance it grew deeper, and very faintly Leafpool could hear the sound of running water. Suddenly relief flooded her heart. She had left ThunderClan territory behind, and was halfway to the Moonpool!

She could be completely alone there, without Crowfeather pleading with her to leave, or the fear that her secret would be discovered. The shining spirits of her ancestors would come to her and tell her what to do.

She padded on, more slowly now, until she reached the starlit stream that tumbled down from the hollow where the Moonpool lay. By the time she reached the barrier of bushes around the top she was staggering from weariness, but the sight of the glimmering water below gave her strength. As she followed the spiral path down to the water’s edge, her paws slipping easily into the marks left by generations of cats so long ago, her churning emotions grew calmer. She crouched down by the pool, lapped once from the water, and closed her eyes.

“Leafpool! Leafpool!” The gentle voice spoke in her ear, and soft fur brushed against her pelt. Leafpool opened her eyes to see the beautiful tortoiseshell, Spottedleaf, sitting beside her, wreathed in starlight.

“Oh, Spottedleaf!” she purred. “I’ve missed you so much. I thought you had abandoned me.”

“Never think that, dear one,” Spottedleaf mewed. Her sweet scent flowed over Leafpool as she bent her head to draw her tongue over the younger cat’s ears. “How could I leave you to struggle with your feelings alone?”

Leafpool felt her fur crawl with guilt. “You know about Crowfeather?”

Spottedleaf nodded.

“I love him so much. I can’t be a medicine cat anymore!”

Leafpool blurted out helplessly.

Spottedleaf pressed her muzzle against Leafpool’s shoulder. Then she murmured, “I know what it is to love, although my path was different from yours. Who knows—if I had lived, I might have suffered what you are suffering now.”

“Please tell me what to do!” Leafpool begged. “I can’t bear this! I don’t feel like I’m needed in ThunderClan anymore.

Cinderpelt doesn’t want me; she has Brightheart to help her.”

“Brightheart needs a purpose just now.” Wisdom shone like moonlight in Spottedleaf’s eyes. “She has found it in helping Cinderpelt. Be generous to her.”

“But she’s always there,” Leafpool muttered. She knew she was being unreasonable. “I’ll try to understand,” she promised with a sigh. “But Brightheart isn’t the only reason I don’t think my Clan wants me. I’ve quarreled with Squirrelflight, and we never quarrel.”

Spottedleaf gave her a gentle lick between the ears. “Your sister loves you. One quarrel will not change that.”

“And Crowfeather?” Leafpool mewed, feeling her heart beat faster as it always did when she thought of the WindClan warrior. “He wants us to go away together. I want to be with him so much, but should I really leave my Clan for him?”

“No cat can make this choice for you,” Spottedleaf replied, letting the tip of her tail brush against Leafpool’s shoulder.

“Deep inside, you know what is right, and you must follow your heart.”

Leafpool sat up, feeling as if a bright light had shone straight into her mind. Surely her heart was where her feelings for Crowfeather came from? Spottedleaf did understand.

“You mean it’s all right for me to love Crowfeather? Oh, Spottedleaf, thank you!”

The beautiful tortoiseshell began to fade, dissolving into stars. Her scent remained, hanging in the air with a few last words that died away into silence. “Remember, you know what is right.”

Leafpool blinked. Her nose was almost touching the shining water of the Moonpool, and her legs were cramped from lying on the cold stones, but when she sprang up, she felt as if she could run forever.

You must follow your heart.

Spottedleaf had told her she could do what her love demanded and leave the Clans with Crowfeather. It didn’t matter if she gave up being a medicine cat, because Brightheart was helping out. Besides, Cinderpelt was young and healthy; she had many seasons to train another apprentice. It didn’t matter that Leafpool felt as if her Clan didn’t need her anymore. Her destiny lay elsewhere, far beyond this territory, with Crowfeather beside her.

Her heart light as a leaf, she bounded up the spiral path, thrust her way through the bushes, and raced down the hill to find Crowfeather. The long journey between the Moonpool and the lake seemed to skim by in a few heartbeats, although by the time she reached the stream that divided ThunderClan from WindClan the sky was growing paler and one by one the stars were fading.

At first she was afraid she would have to wait for the next Gathering before she saw Crowfeather again. After all, she had sent him back to his camp to avoid a quarrel between him and Cinderpelt. Maybe he had been so angry that he wouldn’t even want to see her again.

Then she spotted him sitting in the shelter of a gorse bush a few tail-lengths inside WindClan territory. He looked so lonely, staring down at the lake with his tail curled over his paws. Leafpool’s heart flipped over. They were both loners in their own Clans, but now they could be together forever.

“Crowfeather!”

He spun around. Leafpool splashed through the stream toward him, and he met her on the far bank, his eyes shining as he pressed his muzzle into her shoulder and wound his tail with hers.

“I’ve thought about what you said,” she mewed. “About leaving.”

“You have?”

“I’ve been so scared, Crowfeather—scared about leaving my Clan and my kin. But I went to the Moonpool, and Spottedleaf came to speak to me.” Seeing Crowfeather look puzzled, she added, “She was ThunderClan’s medicine cat once, but now she walks with StarClan. She often visits me in dreams.”

Crowfeather still seemed bewildered; Leafpool wasn’t sure if he believed her, or if he thought that her encounters with Spottedleaf were nothing more than dreams.

“What did she say?” he asked.

“She told me to follow my heart.”

Crowfeather’s eyes widened. “You’re a medicine cat, Leafpool. Isn’t that where your heart has led you?”

“Once it was.” Leafpool’s heart thumped as she realized that Crowfeather thought she was about to reject him. “But ThunderClan has a medicine cat. Cinderpelt is young and strong, and she’ll serve the Clan for seasons yet. And Brightheart will help out for now. Cinderpelt can train another apprentice when I’ve gone.”

Crowfeather drew in a painful breath. “When you’ve gone? Leafpool, does that mean…?”

“Yes. I’ll come with you.”

Leafpool could hardly bear to look at the blaze of happiness in Crowfeather’s eyes. Did he really love her this much?

Her belly twisted with fear. She couldn’t let him down now.

She had to go through with this.

“I’ve been scared too,” Crowfeather admitted. “I don’t want to leave my Clan or my friends. I even hoped I might be leader one day. But more than that, I don’t want to lose you, Leafpool. And there’s no way for us to be together if we stay here.”

Leafpool pressed her side against his, the warmth of his pelt comforting her as she stared into a future that was suddenly dark and terrifying. “Where should we go?”

“Not back toward the forest,” Crowfeather decided. “We’d end up in the mountains, or places where there are too many Twolegs. There are hills beyond WindClan where we can look for a place to live. I’ll take care of you, Leafpool.” For a moment his gaze darkened and drifted away from her, filled with memories. “I promise I’ll take care of you,” he repeated more strongly. “Are you ready?”

“You mean, we’re leaving now?” Leafpool gasped.

“Don’t you think we should?”

But I want to say good-bye! Leafpool almost wailed out loud, but she knew that it would be impossible. Saying good-bye would cause anger and pain and confusion, and maybe their Clans would prevent them from going at all.

“You’re right.” She tried to sound brave and optimistic.

“I’m ready.”

Crowfeather touched his nose to the top of her head.

“Thank you. I promise I’ll do everything I can to make sure you won’t regret this.”

They turned their backs on the lake and padded side by side up the hill. Ahead of them the rising sun filled the sky with streaks of flame, as they left their Clans and everything they had ever known.