Two Much!

42

You’re married???”

“Yesterday was my lucky day,” I said. I’d waited till Candy had made us both breakfast and I’d finished eating mine before breaking the good news. She was still sitting at the kitchen table, a half-empty coffee cup in her hand, and I was standing over by the swing door to the hallway, in case she decided to throw anything.

“You son of a bitch,” she said, and then she said, “I don’t believe you.”

“Stamford, Connecticut,” I told her. “The blushing bride was one Elizabeth Kerner, whom I believe you met a few weeks ago.”

I stepped through the swing door, pushed it closed, heard the coffee cup smash against it, and stepped back into the kitchen again. “I could have told you last night, I suppose,” I said, “but you were having so much fun lording it over me. Besides, you gave me a wonderful wedding night, one I’ll never forget.”

This time I had to step outside long enough for an eggsmeared plate to disintegrate against the door. Leaning cautiously into the kitchen again, I said, “Candy, you’re just too emotional. You should try to be more calm.”

“I’ll send the letter,” she said. “I’ll send it right away, right this morning.”

“Go ahead,” I told her. “Burn your bridges while you’re standing on them.”

“You don’t think I’ll do it?”

“I don’t care if you do it, Candy, because I’ll deny every word of it.”

“And the photostats?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Dodge. I don’t see your name there, Candy. I was in those motels with Liz Kerner, who is now my bride, and who will back up every word I say.”

She glared at me, very nearly speechless. “You’d lie?”

“Surely, Candy,” I said, “you’ve heard of people lying before. Listen, breakfast was super, but I’d really better be off now. And my advice to you is to give poor Ralph another chance.”

“You bastard! You bastard!”

Remembering my last experience with an enraged Candy, I doubted she was now pawing in that kitchen drawer for an ice cream scoop. “Well, ta ta,” I said, and departed. Some sort of banshee seemed to be moving through the apartment as I went out the front door.