Vurt

DAY 24. "Tough shit."

"You know where the Slithy Tove is?"

"Sure. It's just over the hill. We passed it."

"That's where Barnie works. You remember Barnie?" Twinkle nodded. "He'll help you. Go there. Through the trees. Keep to the darkest roads you can find."

"Mister Scribble…"

Her young face was wet from the trip.

"You're on your own now, kid," I said.

"What about you, Scribble? What are you going to do?"

"Some things."

"Keep the faith."

"That's right Keep the faith. Go on now."

Twinkle set off, into the dark morning, through the breath of trees. She looked back just the once.

"Keep going," I called.

Keep going.

I pulled off one shoulder strap, and then the other, until the Thing was loose. I lowered him to the ground.

His dead eyes looking up at me.

I think they were his eyes.

Thing was dead, for sure. Two holes in his back where the bullets had lodged.

But that's not good enough. I had the Curious feather out of my pocket, and I was forcing it into his mouth, if that was his mouth? Any orifice would do. Pounding and pounding on his chest. "Come on! Come on!" Working the feather some more, deep enough for Lazarus, so why not the Thing. Bringing my fists down on his chest… thinking about the Beetle and Mandy and how I'd lost them for nothing… bringing my fists… bringing my fists down… again and again…

Nothing.

It brings nothing.

His dead eyes.

I have lost you, my alien… and all that goes with you.

I pulled the feather out. Then picked his body up, carried it to the lake's edge.

I lowered him into the waters.

The Thing floated for a moment, until the water had soaked through to every vessel. Then he sank away. Beneath the waves.

It's over.

I looked back to where the Asian kids were packing up their gear. The rain was letting up some, and the road seemed miles away, like I was free and safe for a while.

Don't believe it. We're neither free nor safe, until we've earned it.

I walked over to a clump of trees, found the place there, amongst the flowers and the insects, where Desdemona and I used to lie down, hidden by the leaves, to take our pleasures. The lake glimpsed between shadows and branches; flickers of yellow coming off the feather.

Time to go.

But where? You've got nothing to give, Scribble, what's the point?

I put the feather to the very edge of my bottom lip.

Pulled it away again, trembling, unsure.

So long we have travelled for this.

Feather back in.

Deep this time.

Felt the glitters there; a curious shade of yellow.

Desdemona calling.

In my last moments of reality I pulled out the feather and placed it in my pocket. The Curious Yellow coming on…

Desdemona, somewhere…

An end to fasting.

My face bathed in a yellow light

"Looking good, Stephen."

"Cheers."

"You've done well. You should feel proud."

"I know that. But I can't help feeling down."

"Don't say that. You got through."

I moved the razor across my cheek, revealing an area of skin, and then wiped the foam onto a flannel.

"I've haven't got what she wanted. Don't you know how that feels?"

"Don't I just?"

I wet the razor in the sink. The water looked dirty.

"I really wanted to please her, you know?"

"I know."

"She had her heart set on that bag."

"It's doesn't matter, Stephen. Believe me. She'll have a good birthday anyway."

"You know what Des is like."

"Believe me. No one knows better."

I looked deep into the eyes staring back at me. Yellow eyes.

"See what I mean?"

The neon tube above the mirror cast a yellow gloom over my face. The light seemed almost thick, and my hand had to push gently through the air, as I brought the razor back up. It was my father's open razor, the one sharpened on the leather strop hanging up beside the sink. He hated me using it. But what the hell? It wasn't every day that your sister gets to be sixteen. I was taking her out tonight. I wanted to look good. Especially because…

"I should've moved on that bag -"

"Stephen!"

I was talking to myself in the bathroom mirror. Calling myself by name.

"As soon as Des spotted it, I should've got the money out there and then. Oh no. Not me. I wanted to surprise her with it."

"So you let that guy steal it off you. Big deal."

"It's not just that -"

"You got her something nice instead?"

"No. I -"

"You didn't get her anything?"

"No. There's nothing else she would - shit!"

I'd taken a nick out of my face. Blood fell into the water, swirling. I reached for a tissue and when I looked into the mirror to stop the flow it was my father's face that I dabbed at - Oh my god! I was…

"You know I forbid the use of that blade."

I was… I was…

"It is a man's blade."

"Father… I am sorry."

What was this? Where was I? This feeling? What is it… think… think!

"Give me the blade, Stephen."

"Please…"

This isn't real! Nobody calls me Stephen any more.

"Must I punish you again?"

"No…"

I'm getting the Haunting!

"Father!"

He was swinging the blade…

This isn't real. I'm in a Vurt. Jerk out!

The razor coming for my face.

Jesus Christ! Jerk out, you dumb fucking -

"Looking good, Stephen."

"Cheers."

"So you got Desdemona nothing, eh?"

"Don't remind me."

I was looping my best tie into a Windsor knot. My father had shown me this, when I was seven years old.

"Wouldn't have done any good anyway. She'll never be yours."

"Look -"

The knot was all wrong.

"Sorry, Stephen. My fault."

"Yeah. Stop putting me off."

I was standing in my bedroom, talking to myself in the wardrobe mirror. I pulled the knot loose to start again. There was a small shaving nick in my left cheek. The square of tissue paper - stuck to the cut by a film of dried blood - wasn't the best thing to have on your face, the day of your sister's birthday. But that's okay. It would be healed in a minute or so. I was waiting for Desdemona to get back from college. We were going out that night, celebrating, and I had my best suit on, all washed and pressed. Now I just had to get this knot right. And the weak lemony glow from the bedside lamp wasn't helping any. It made my eyes look kind of yellow.

"She's going to be real angry, Stephen."

"I don't think that's - shit!"

The knot was all crooked. I pulled it loose again.

"Having trouble? Here let me -"

"I don't want help! And stop calling me Stephen!"

"It is the name I gave you, boy."

"My name is -"

Wait…

"You will damned well use it."

My father had taken the two ends of the tie in his big work-scarred hands.

"How many times must I teach you the Windsor?"

It wasn't me in the mirror! My father…

"Father…"

"It is a man's knot."

He crossed the tie, wide end over narrow, through the loop, down, around and behind, up to the right. Wide end down through the loop, crossed at right angles over the narrow, pushed through the loop one last time and finished by slipping the wide end through the knot in front. He tightened the finished Windsor, pulling it gently, until the knot was right up against my throat.

This isn't real!

"There. Perfect. Simple. Elegant!"

He pulled the knot tight. Tight! Pulling down on each end of the tie until my throat was closing and the breath leaving me. My hands coming up, but so weak I - The Haunting!

"Even a fool could manage it!"

All my air was used up. Bursts of light behind my eyes. Pain. The fierce glare in my father's eyes. This is Vurt!

"But not my boy, evidently."

Darkness, and the end of pain beckoning.

Jerk out! Come on! Work it!

The pain dying away as I lost the will to -

"Oh Christ!"

I was shivering amongst the trees, down by the lakeside. The leaves were rustling from the gathering wind. I couldn't stop shaking.

Made it.

Made a way out of there.

A shadow falling across the moon.

Christ, that was bad. And no sign of Desdemona.

Shaking, shaking…

Breathing in gulps of air. Again. Again. My lungs aching, and my throat, and a sharp pain on my cheek from the razor's edge.

And then letting out the air, in a long passage.

Something coming between the moon and the trees.

Found a way out somehow.

Except that you can't jerkout of a Yellow.

The leaves shaking as something moved amongst them.

So what was…

"I have found you, Stephen."

My father pushing the branches aside, the glint of light on the razor in his hand.

I'm still in the Vurt!

"I won't have any child of mine out after ten."

Father stepping forward, blocking the moon's light completely, until there was only darkness. And the blade…

Get out of here!

His hand around my neck -

"Looking good, Scribble."

"Looking good yourself, birthday girl."

"You taking me out tonight?"

"Bet on it, Des."

"Where?"

"Platt Fields."

"Platt Fields? I was maybe expecting a meal. Then a club. I feel like dancing."

"I know. But there's a little clump of trees there, side of the lake. It's private and cosy, and we could… well, you know…"

"Scribble! You're disgusting!"

"It's you that makes me like this."

She pushed me backwards, onto the bed. Then she jumped on top of me, and started to really tickle me, just where I can't stand it.

"Des!"

"I'm not going to some dingy park. I'm going dancing!"

"You've got to."

"What do you mean, got to? Who says got to? Hey! -"

I manage to get a grip on her body, and then kind of throw her over, but gently, until I was on top of her, and she was smiling beneath me. "We've got to go there, Des. Don't ask why. I just know we've got to go."

"Why should I?"

"It's important."

She went quiet then.

Her bedroom was a warm glow of yellow, the last rays of the sun coming through the drawn curtains. Her eyes were too much for me, too full of life.

I lowered myself down, until our bodies were touching all over, and my lips were on hers.

"Careful, Scribb."

"Why?"

"You'll crease your best suit."

"It's all for you, Desdemona. All for you."

We kissed some more.

"You got me a present, Scribb?"

"I tried to."

"Scribble!"

"I tried to get that bag you wanted. Well, I did get it. But…"

"Don't tell me, you lost it?"

"It was -"

"I hate you."

"It was stolen, Des. This guy on the bus. I was bringing it back home. I was going to wrap it and everything. But this guy just snatched it away from me, ran down the stairs, jumped off just as the bus was moving from the stop. I didn't know what to do."

"You know what this means?"

"I know."

"It means we can't go to Platt Fields."

"I know. Why is that?"

"I don't know. Crazy, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry, Des."

"It doesn't matter. We'll just stay in tonight We could -"

"That can't happen. Father… he…"

"Has he been hassling you again?"

"He went for me with the razor before. I was just shaving, you know."

"I know."

"And then… in my room… well, it was bad."

This is a curious house, isn't it, Scribb?"

"It's a bad house."

Then I pulled her blouse free from her belt, to reveal the hard ridges of the scars on her lovely stomach. I put my lips to them, trying to kiss them away. Nothing would work.

"I'm going to kill that man, one day."

"I don't think it's possible, Scribble. He's not real."

I moved back up her body, to look at her eyes again, trying to work out what she meant. I don't think she knew. And neither did I. Just that it was true.

"Thanks for the card, Des."

"What card?"

"My birthday card."

"Don't be silly. It's my birthday, Scribb. Not yours."

"No. I mean a few days ago. My twenty-first birthday."

"Scribble, you're only eighteen!"

That stopped me. "Oh god."

"I know. I can remember sending it as well. What's happening, Scribble?"

"I got you a present anyway, Des."

"Show me!"

I put my hand into my jacket pocket, feeling something fluttering there, not knowing what it was until I pulled it out. And then still not knowing.

"Oh Scribb! It's a feather!"

"Looks like it."

"Look at the colours in it. All those yellows! They're just the same colour as the light in this house."

"Just the same. It's curious."

"I keep getting this feeling, Scribble. Like I'm being haunted, or something. I can't work it out. Like there's another world out there, and I just can't get to it."

"I'm getting the same. Can't explain it."

"What does the feather do?"

"I think I'm meant to tickle you with it."

"That's sounds right."

She pulled up her blouse some more, offering me her stomach and breasts. I stroked the yellow feather gently over her body. Starting at the dragon tattoo, and then down, and across, and then up…

"Oh god. That feels good. It's making me see pictures."

"What do you see?"

"Me and you walking away from this house. Growing old together. Keep stroking. That's it. That's good. We're living in a little house, miles from here. Miles away from father. Keep doing it, higher. That's it. On my neck. Feels lovely. Miles away from the pain. On my lips, please, Scribble. Yes! Miles away from the knife. In my mouth now. In my mouth!"

I had the feather poised on my sister's lips, and my whole being was telling me to push further, to let her take it in deep, and I didn't even know why. I just had to do it to her. Gently pushing…

"Scribble!"

"What?"

"Your eyes!"

"What about them?"

"Yellow! They're turning yellow!"

Oh shit!

"Take that feather away, Stephen."

"Father…"

"It is a young boy's game."

I was lying on top of my father, pushing a feather into his mouth. His hands were coming up to hug me. I tried to push the feather in, don't know why, just had to, but his bite clamped down hard on the flights, so that the feather was lodged solid between his teeth. Then his hands came down on my back and I felt the blade going in.

Felt like my back was fire. He stabbed again.

Christ!

The pain was unbearable. I was trying my best to pull away, but his strength was too much for me. I felt the razor tearing its way out of the small of my back, ready for another strike.

"Father, please…"

Wait…

"It is all that you deserve, wretched boy!" But as he spoke the feather was loose in his mouth.

This isn't real!

He cursed me then. Called me a sister fucker.

This is Vurt! Jerk out!

The razor biting into me.

No! No, don't jerk out! I was getting the story. There is no jerkout. It just starts again. This is Curious Yellow. And that isn't my father under me. It's my sister. It's Desdemona! This is just a Vurt father. He's living inside Desdemona. There is no going back. No jerking out. You can only go forward.

The razor was cutting into my skin again. The pain was terrible. Blood on my father's face. Must have been my blood.

Never mind that.

A sudden glimpse of Desdemona's eyes looking back at me from my father's face and her voice telling me to - Push the feather in!

It took everything I had left, fighting against all the rage and madness, until I had the feather wedged up against the top of his mouth. He bit down hard again but I was too far gone by then, too full up of despair.

Shove it!

Deep to my father's throat. Which was Desdemona's throat. Where it belongs. Immediately his body starts to fall away. The razor slips free of my skin. I pull the Curious out of his mouth and take it into mine.

Please, God, I'm right on this one.

Where it belongs.

My father screaming somewhere…

And Desdemona's voice coming through clear…

But Scribble, we're already in Curious Yellow. How can we - looking good Stephen cheers looking good Stephen cheers looking good Stephen cheers cheers my face bathed in yellow light which is bathed in yellow light which is !!!!!WARNING!!!!! which is a man's blade the blade swinging for me in the mirror of the mirror of the mirror curiouser and curiouser the blade swinging a thousand times as it

Layers upon layers… !!!!!WARNING!!!!! each the reflection of the other as it

What was that voice? one thousand times through the yellow air which is yellow upon yellow as it as it looking good stephen !!!!!WARNING. YOU ARE NOW IN METAVURT!!!!! cheers as it as it curiouser and curiouser as the blade swinging for desdemona

What is happening?! one thousand knives reflected each one sharp as sharp as the mirror as they as they cut into my sister who was

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

who was clinging to me who was clinging to me covered in blood

That voice. I know that voice. It is the voice of… her own age at last nineteen years old and in my arms as I saw the thousands cuts being made each cut being made twice the real and the image

desdemona sister

That voice! It was the voice of… falling away from me in blood as I clung on tight to her one thousand times as I my father reflected in the mirror reflected in the mirror reflected in the mirror reflected as I as I saw the blades coming in again sister

It was the voice of Sniffing General.

Sniffing General… can you…

blood all over

What's happening, General? Can you help me?

…THE TROUBLE YOU'RE CAUSING ME.

Tell me!

sister screaming from the cuts

curiouser and curiouser

…INSIDE OF CURIOUS. NOBODY DOES THAT! NOBODY!

Get me out. Get us both out!

THERE IS NO WAY. YOU'RE CAUGHT IN A LOOP.

our father digging his one thousand ways through desdemona as he cutting as he smiling

You've got to, General!

Blow that Choke out of your nose and do it!

sister falling apart

It just gets worse, General.

taking the silver feather reflected one thousand times out of my pocket

sister reaching out for me as she as she reached out for me bleeding and the bleeding was bleeding the wounds were wounded

You think I have a choice, General?

I pushed the silver sniffing general feather in as I as I pushed the silver feather in over the top of the curious yellow

I need a door, General… two feathers at once who's ever done that before?

Tough shit. the silver coming on the yellow which was yellow in the yellow silver in the yellow in the yellow the thousand mirrors cracking… as I… father swinging the razor at my sister… as I… waiting for the menu to scroll…

1. EDIT

2. CLONE

3. HELP…

menu stops… as I stopped my father's hand…

Shit! What number was the door? What number!

that's enough, father… as I…

What number was the door? What number?! as I took the razor from his hand and then I…

Four for a door. Four for a door. That's it. as I pushed the razor into my…

as I pushed the razor into my father's eye… coming back to me now the feelings as I as I thought about the number four my father screaming with his hands coming up to his eyes as I got the menu up to my eyes…

1. BLUE

2. BLACK

That's okay, Sniffer. I don't need it any more. as I thought about the number five

Five for alive. a door opening up as the mirror broke and our father was putting red hands up to his eyes and the door opened in his eyes and I could see the trees of platt fields through the holes in his eyes

"Sniffing General…"

A new voice.

"What is the problem?"

I was pushing des towards the door in father's eyes

"I am trying to stay asleep, General. Please explain." desdemona won't go through she's clinging to me dragging me along as well

WE'VE GOT A MIRROR META IN CURIOUS YELLOW, WITH AN ILLEGAL LIFE-DOOR BREACH PLUS AN UNAUTHORIZED SWAPBACK ATTEMPT WITHOUT ADEQUATE EXCHANGE MATERIAL.

"Is that all."

Please, Scribble… come with me. my sister talking to me…

It can't happen, Des. It just can't

"Don't make me angry, general."

so I'm thinking about the number one whilst they argue number one for a blue world seeing the thousands of blue names scroll down thinking about P for pleasure

"Where are we, Scribble?"

My sister and I sitting on the park bench in Pleasureville, listening to the birds singing and watching the play of dappled light on the newly cut lawn. Kids are skipping. No sign of the postman. I had two, maybe three minutes before the General dragged me away from this sweet blue world. I had my sister with me, and she looked happy at last, just like I remembered her. That was Pleasureville Blue for you.

"We're inside a Vurt, Des."

"It's lovely."

"What do you remember?"

Her smile faded for a second as she searched through her memories. "Nothing," she said. "Nothing at all, except that the world is beautiful and that you are my brother and that we should just stay here forever. Shall we do that, Scribble?"

"No." Her eyes went blank for a moment, filled with a blue void. "This isn't the real world, Des. The real world is not beautiful, but it's where you belong. No, don't try to understand. Just believe what I'm saying. I'm sending you back, Des. If I can."

"You're coming with me, Scribble?"

"I don't belong there, sister. This is my place. This is what I am."

"Scribble!"

"It can't happen, Des. It just can't. I love you too much. Or you don't love me enough."

Which adds up to the same thing. The same pile of bones.

I looked deep into my sister's blue eyes, saw the truth there, and then looked away. Sister said nothing. A boy and a girl sitting on a park bench on a sunny day, the girl looking into the sun, the boy with his head in his hands.

THERE YOU ARE! I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER.

"Hobart's telling you to deal with it, General."

"Send my sister back!"

SHE HAS NOTHING TO EXCHANGE WITH. IT CANNOT BE - "I'm staying here."

"Scribble! What's happening?"

My sister's voice calling…

"Scribble. Please don't…"

She was holding tight to my hand, trying to pull me with her. But I was firmly rooted now, working the Vurt like I was born to it.

"You know the truth, Des. Keep the faith. Don't stop thinking about me."

My father's eyes opening, blood-red in a blue Pleasureville sky.

"Scribble!!!!!!"

"Just do it!" and desdemona falling away the touch of her fingers the gift of her eyes falling falling into the eyes of our father and through to where I could catch glimpses of the shifting branches and the moon on the lake in the park where the world is good and the rain is tender…

I pull Curious Yellow out of my mouth, leaving the silver there. All the layers fall away until I'm seeing only darkness.

I SUPPOSE WE OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOU?

"I guess so," I answer.

The menu scrolls down.

1. BLUE

2. BLACK

3. PINK

5. LIFE

6. CAT

Sniffing General was sitting behind his desk, lining up three lines of Choke powder.

"By God I need this."

I didn't say anything. Game Cat's door lay just beyond.

"I'm in trouble with Miss Hobart now." He paused between sniffs. "It's all got to be accounted for, you know? She'll want a full report. That's a lot of work, and I blame you entirely. She almost woke up then. Do you know the consequences of Miss Hobart waking up? Before the right time? Do you? If she should stop dreaming? Why, it's unthinkable. We'd all be out of a job. Including you, Mr Scribble…"

He looked up at me. "Sir… are you crying…?"

I don't know what I was doing. Only that my back was killing me. I felt weak, and the room was swaying slightly.

"Here… can I…" Sniffing General was rising from his desk, clutching a paper tissue. I don't know what I looked like but the General stopped in his tracks before he even got close.

"My god… you've been cut… let me…"

"That's alright, General. I'd like to see the Cat, please."

"Straight away, sir."

I started to collapse.

But the office door was open now.

The Game Cat waiting there to greet me.