Warm and Willing

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The year was two weeks old. It was a Wednesday, cold but clear, the sidewalks gray with day-old snow toned by the dirt of the city. The day’s work dragged on forever, and she was exhausted by the time she left Heaven’s Door. She wanted a drink in a bad way, but decided to wait for it until she got home. Bobbie had a shaker of martinis ready. They sat together and drank quietly. When Bobbie talked to her she answered in monosyllables. Bobbie finished her drink, went into the kitchen to open a tin of clams for Claude. She came back and sank into a chair.

“Bad day, Rho?”

“Not too bad.”

“Party tonight. At Megan’s place.”

“Do we have to dress?”

“No. Just slacks and sweaters.”

“I suppose we’ll go.”

“You don’t sound happy about it, kiddo. What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. Just a mood.”

“Nothing I did, is it?”

“No. Just…nothing.”

“Want to kick the cat? Get that mad out of your system?”

“I’ll be all right.”

“Because we could just as easily stay home.”

“We’ll go,” she said.

They went. The walk through the cold air was briskly refreshing. They stopped at Leonetti’s for a quick drink, then went on to Megan’s apartment on Cornelia Street. Rhoda felt very strange walking into the apartment. She hadn’t been there since she cleared out her clothes and moved in with Bobbie. She had been in company with Megan often enough after that, so that there was no awkwardness between them any more, but they had not been together at Megan’s apartment and she was surprised how jarring it was. Every stick of furniture held memories, every room brought back a shattering memory of the way they had loved one another.

“I may get a little bit stoned,” she told Bobbie.

“ Do you good.”

“Uh-huh.”

She got hold of a drink right away, finished it quickly, poured more scotch over the ice cubes and drank again. Go ahead, she told herself fiercely. Let yourself go. Loosen up, relax.

And the liquor worked. She joined a little group in one corner-Jan Pomeroy was telling a joke about a butch and a queen trying to figure out which rest room to use. Someone told a limerick about the queer from Khartoum and Rhoda laughed, although she had heard it dozens of times. The party picked up momentum and moved at a good pace. She kept drinking, keeping a good even high without going over the line.

Everything would be all right. The shop was nonsense, adolescent nonsense, and she could live without such dreams. She was what she was-there was no changing that. No reason to inquire into it too closely. She was what she was and she would lead the kind of life that was right for her. It might not be a perfect life but very few lives were ever perfect. The world itself was an imperfect world. She would make the best of it. That was all she or anyone else could do.

Then Megan was talking to her. “I’m glad you and Bobbie could come tonight, Rhoda.”

“It’s a swell party.”

“Like the song, what a swell party this is. You haven’t been here since-”

“No, I haven’t.”

“I was thinking about that. Jan and I are very happy together, did you know that? I never thought it would last.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“Maybe the secret is not living together. I don’t know. How are things with you and Bobbie?”

“Fine. They were a little rocky for awhile, but we’ve weathered that storm. We’re good for each other.”

“I’m glad, Rhoda.”

She got herself a fresh drink. The usual crowd was there, with a sprinkling of less familiar faces. She sipped her drink and looked over at the door. Lucia Perry was there, with Roz Merrimac. Lu was telling everyone that Peg hadn’t felt well but that she decided to come over for a few minutes anyway. Someone said something that Rhoda didn’t catch. A few minutes later she saw Roz and Lucia dancing cheek to cheek, their feet barely moving.

She looked for Bobbie. “Somebody ought to take Lu and spank her,” Bobbie said.

“I thought-”

“Uh-huh. Peg’s probably sitting home crying her eyes out. Roz broke off with Helen Rainey less than a week ago, and Lu’s back to her old tricks. I guess nothing ever changes.”

“I guess not. But in public.”

“That’s the whole thing.” Bobbie sighed. “If she wants to sleep around, that’s her business. And Peg’s probably used to it by now, so she can train herself to look the other way. But Lu has to rub her nose in it. It’s typical. I don’t know how Peg stands it.”

She remembered the night-the phone call, the cab ride, the moment of stark horror when Peg came from the locked bathroom with blood gushing from her wrists. She shivered and drank her drink.

They were outside, Bobbie started to flag a cab but Rhoda stopped her. “I’m a little rocky,” she said. “Let’s walk it.”

They walked. She remembered another walk two weeks ago, when they had bumped into Ed Vance. New Year’s-and a hell of a way to start the New Year. She hadn’t seen him since then, and she wondered who he had told about her and what they had said. But what difference did it make? It was her life, and she no longer cared who knew about it.

Home, in bed, she turned expectantly to Bobbie. She felt Bobbie’s lips on her lips, Bobbie’s breasts just touching her own breasts. Then Bobbie was smiling softly in the darkness, whispering, “Not tonight, sweets. We’re both too tired to do much. Get some sleep.”

That night, for the first time in ages, the dream came back to her. The old dream, the one that had always ruined her sleep in the past. In it she ran once more, ran alone down that endless hallway with some dark unknown chasing her and gaining on her. Walls of ivory white, unbroken by windows or doors. An endless ribbon of black floor beneath her feet The hallway getting progressively narrower, and the pursuer getting closer and closer, and the feeling, at last, of something colder than death reaching out for her, almost but not quite touching her When the telephone rang, her mind incorporated the sound into the dream, weaving it into the fabric of her nightmare so that she thought there was shrill screaming behind her. Then the dream broke off and she was struggling to sit up in bed, and the phone was ringing and Bobbie, by her side, was groping for it. Bobbie took hold of the receiver and Rhoda shook off the dying echoes of the dream and lit the bedside lamp. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was twenty minutes of five.

Bobbie said, “Oh, God. Omigod.”

“What-”

“Are you sure? Listen, are you sure?”

She went to Bobbie, took the girl’s arm. Bobbie shook her off. Bobbie was talking on the phone but Rhoda couldn’t hear her. She didn’t know what was happening. She looked for a cigarette but the pack on the bedside table was empty. She crushed it, hurried into the kitchen. There was one pack left in the carton. She tore it open, shook two cigarettes out of the pack, lit them. She went back to the bedroom and gave one of the cigarettes to Bobbie. The Siamese cat sat erect upon a chair at the side of the bed, his eyes glinting brightly. Bobbie took the cigarette and looked oddly at it, then took a deep drag.

“What-”

“That was Lucia,” Bobbie said.

“Oh, no.”

Bobbie swallowed. Then she took a deep breath and when she spoke her voice was firm, strong. “Peg did it this time,” she said. “Pills again, a whole bottle. After the party Lu and Roz went back to Roz’s apartment and Lucia just got home. If she had gone straight home from the party she might have found her in time, but she didn’t, and that’s all, she was too late. Peggy’s dead.”

“Oh, Jesus-”

“Yeah.” Bobbie closed her eyes. The room was very still. Claude held his pose on the chair like a statue. “I can’t believe it, I knew it would happen sooner or later. But I still can’t believe it. All the times she tried to kill herself and this time she managed it, finally.”

Bobbie looked at her now. Her face was a mask of sorrow but her eyes were quite dry. “Everything’s so rotten,” she said. “So goddamned rotten, everything.”