Warriors

CHAPTER 32

Now Hawke sat beside Nell on that very same hilltop, holding hands on the wooden garden bench as Alexei went speeding down the slope again and again, crying out gleefully for the love of speed and the sheer beauty of this bright shining morning, knowing that the two people he loved most were watching over him.

“I remember that feeling, Nell,” Hawke said. “Sledding, I mean. Speed, for a boy, maybe for a girl, too, is so powerfully felt at that age. It’s one of my earliest memories of— What’s the matter, Nell? Why are you crying?”

“Oh, Alex. I am just so very, very sad.”

“You are? Please tell me why, darling. I don’t want you to be sad. Ever.”

“I am sad… I’m sad because all this… all this is over. And it’s been the very best time of my life, Alex. I will always love you and… Alexei, too. More than I can ever say. But — but—”

She put her head on his shoulder and clung to him, sobbing, tears streaming down her pink cheeks.

He put his arm around her, pulling her closer, dreaded what might be coming, shocked, of course, but somehow not surprised.

“Nell, please don’t do this. This is your home. We are your family. If you, if there is something, anything, that I can do to make it more—”

“Just let me cry, okay? Let me get it all out. You know how I am.”

“I’m sorry. Are you cold?”

“No, I’m fine.”

Hawke was silent, his eyes on Alexei trudging up the hill pulling his bright blue sled behind him. The boy’s face was glowing with excitement and joy, and at that moment Hawke feared for him. Nell was leaving. It would break his own heart. But, even worse, it would break the boy’s heart. She had been a mother to him, a wise, strong, and caring mother. She had saved Alexei’s life, twice, and she was always there, making sure he was safe from harm, especially when his father was away on business…

Nell squeezed Hawke’s hand and pulled away, creating a space between them on the bench. Creating a space in his heart.

Hawke looked at her, tried to smile, and handed her one of the white linen handkerchiefs he always carried in the breast pocket of his jacket. When she had wiped away her glistening tears, she turned to him.

“I never wanted it to end,” she said.

“I still don’t. I’m in love with you.”

“Oh, God, darling! If only there were any other way. If I could change the world, I would do it. I would! I promise you this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You came into my life and it all made sense finally. You… and Alexei… were… are… everything to me. The family I never had. The man I didn’t think existed. The child I’d dreamed of. It was so… perfect.”

She looked up at him, her eyes brimming with fresh tears, and saw that his own beautiful blue eyes were spilling over.

“I do love you, Nell. You know that.”

“I know you do, Alex. Believe me, I know love when I see it. But I never really felt that we were forever. I hoped that we were, prayed that we were, but I never felt that—”

“You don’t have to say it, Nell. I know what’s in your heart. We both know the problem is mine, not yours. It’s my inability to let go of Alexei’s mother that’s killing us. And even though she refused to leave Russia and come home with my son and me… I can’t seem to… I can’t let go of—”

He buried his face in his hands, his shoulders heaving with sorrow.

“Alex, please don’t. We’ve been through this all a thousand times. It doesn’t change. And that’s the problem between us. We both knew this moment might come, even if we kept lying to ourselves that it wouldn’t.”

He looked up, getting himself under control.

“Yes, yes, I suppose you’re right. Tell me, dear Nell. Tell me where are you going, darling? Back to London?”

“No. To America. Washington. I’ve been offered a position with the British ambassador there. You know him. Sir Richard Champion. He thinks the world of you. All his staff does. I had a hard time convincing them that you would be all right and—”

He managed a smile. “I’ll be all right. We… will be all right.”

“God, I hope so. Otherwise I could never forgive myself for—”

“Is there someone else? You don’t have to tell me.”

“Yes, Alex, there is. A man I went with in college at St. Andrews. He works for MI6 now, but he’s posted as a second secretary at the British embassy.”

“What’s his name?”

“Fielding. Fielding Lawrence. We’ve been corresponding these last six months. I saw him again when I went on holiday in Madeira some months ago. On the last night, he asked me to marry him and come to America. I refused, but he wouldn’t give up. He wants to have children, Alex. So do I. And he does love me.”

“He’s very lucky, darling.”

“Is he, Alex?”

“You are the most wonderful woman. The smartest, bravest, most beautiful woman, Nell. When I think of all you’ve done for Alexei… for us… We simply could not have survived, literally, without you.”

Nell dabbed at her eyes once more, and he could see her willing herself to go on.

“I–I took the liberty of trying to find someone for Alexei. Only if you wish it, of course. I’m not leaving until you’ve found someone you trust for Alexei. I can’t. Her name is Sabrina, Sabrina Churchill. Distant relation. She works for Royal Protection, Scotland Yard. She’s lovely, Alex. One of the very best the Yard has at what she does. You’ve actually met her. She worked for the Prince of Wales a few years ago, back when the two boys were in their early twenties and frankly a handful.”

“A trial by fire. I’d say she’s been tested.” Hawke smiled.

“Yes. You can talk to Prince Charles about her. She’s fairly young, not quite thirty, a little younger than me, but she has a sterling reputation and has earned the respect and trust of the Royal Family over the years… what do you think?”

“I’d like to meet her, Nell. Introduce her to Alexei. And I appreciate your doing that for us. Finding her, I mean.”

Nell looked away.

“Oh, Alex. Oh my God, it’s all just so very sad, isn’t it?”

“Sad doesn’t begin to cover it, Nell.”

“Look. I want you to know something. If ever there comes a time, a time when you think you need me, or Alexei needs me, I will be there for you both. Always. I mean it.”

“I’ll always remember.”

“I will, too.”

Hawke looked away, gathering himself, and said, “I think one of us should tell Alexei soon, don’t you? He must know something’s not right…”

“I can do it.”

“No. His father should do it.”

“I suppose that’s right. I’ll go down to the house then… unless… Would you rather I do it, Alex? Shall I tell him? Would that be easier for you?”

“It should come from me, I think.”

“I pray God he’ll be all right.”

“Yes. He’ll be all right.”

She rose, squeezed his hand one last time, and turned away.

After she’d disappeared down the hill and into the woods, he watched Alexei and his sled for a long, long time before he got up to take his hand and lead him home.

A bleakness swept over him then, not wholly unexpected. A bitter, sick feeling in his gut, the knowledge that he was losing yet another person he cared deeply for. He had always pretended to himself that he didn’t love Nell as much as he’d loved Anastasia; it was a cheap, even dishonest way of keeping a certain distance. He’d reassured himself that his heart was already fully booked, that the woman he truly loved most was his son’s mother. Anastasia. Married to another man, but still as in love with him as he was with her. So what the hell was he supposed to do?

He’d tell his son about Nell tonight, when he was tucked safely into his bed.

And then he’d pour himself a good stiff Irish whiskey and sit before the fire, think about Nell and his own shortcomings as a man and, perhaps, what a fool he’d been to let her go.

When he was sufficiently anesthetized, he’d go to bed.

He had a tough day ahead of him come Monday. He was having lunch with C, the ornery old salt.

“Nell,” he whispered as he finally fell asleep that night, “Nell… don’t go…”