What's The Worst That Could Happen?

11

Dortmunder walked into the kitchen around nine the next morning, yawning and scratching and blinking his eyes a lot, and Andy Kelp was there, smiling, seated at the kitchen table. “I don’t need this,” Dortmunder said.

May was also present, already making his coffee, having heard him ricochet around the bedroom and bathroom the last quarter hour. “Now, John,” she said, “don’t be grumpy. Andy came by to say hello.”

“Hello,” Dortmunder said. He sat at the table already half-covered by Andy’s elbows and reached for the Cheerios, on which he liked to put a lot of sugar and a lot of milk.

Andy, a bony cheerful guy with a sharp-nosed face, sat smiling like a dentist as he watched Dortmunder shovel on the sugar. “John,” he said, “why have an attitude? May said you scored terrific last night.”

“She did, huh?”

May, bringing his coffee—a lot of sugar, a lot of milk—said, “I knew you wouldn’t mind if I told Andy.”

You think you know a person. Dortmunder hunched his shoulders and ate.

Andy said, “So, if you scored and you’re home free, what’s the long face?”

May said, “John, the ring isn’t that important.”

“It is to me,” Dortmunder said.

Andy looked alert, like a squirrel hearing an acorn drop. “Ring?”

Dortmunder gave them both a look. To May he said, “That part you didn’t tell him, huh?”

“I thought you’d want to.”

“No,” Dortmunder said, and filled his mouth with enough Cheerios to keep him incommunicado for a week.

So it was May who told Andy about the FedEx Pak and the sentimental value gift ring from the semi-unknown uncle, and about it fitting John’s finger (at least she didn’t make a point about his allegedly needing some extra luck, he was grateful for that much), and about how when he went out to the Island last night a householder stole it from him.

Dortmunder had been hunched forward, grimly chewing, staring into the bowl of Cheerios, through the whole recital, and when he looked up now, damn if Andy wasn’t grinning. “Mm,” Dortmunder said.

Andy said, “John, is that what happened? The guy boosted the ring right off your finger?”

Dortmunder shrugged, and chewed Cheerios.

Andy laughed. What a rotten thing to do. “I’m sorry, John,” he said, “but you gotta see the humor in it.”

Wrong. Dortmunder chewed Cheerios.

“I mean, it’s what you call your biter bit, you see? You’re the biter, and you got bit.”

Gently, May said, “Andy, I don’t think John’s quite ready to appreciate the humor.”

“Oh? Oh, okay.” Andy shrugged and said, “Let me know when you’re ready, John, because it’s really pretty funny. I hate to say it, but the guy’s kinda got style.”

“Nn mm nn,” Dortmunder said, which meant, “And my ring.”

“But if you don’t want to talk about it yet,” Andy said, “I can understand that. He made you look foolish, humiliated you, made fun of you—”

“Andy,” May said, “I think John is going to stab you with his spoon.”

“But,” Andy said, shifting gears without losing a bit of momentum, “the reason I came over, there’s a little possibility I heard about you might be interested in, having to do with a shipment of emeralds out of Colombia, smuggled, you know, that this ballet troupe is supposed to have, and they’re coming to bam, and I figure—”

May said, “Andy? Coming to bam what?”

“No no,” Andy said, “they’re coming to BAM, the Brooklyn Academy of Music, over in Brooklyn, a lot of shows go there that aren’t quite right for Broadway because they don’t use smoke machines, but they’re too big for off Broadway, so this ballet troupe—”

Andy went on like that for a while, describing American culture, the history of ballet in the New World, and the prominence of emeralds in the Colombian economy, until at last Dortmunder rinsed down his Cheerio cud with a lot of coffee and said, “No.”

Andy looked at him. “No what?”

“No emeralds,” Dortmunder said, “no ballet, no bam, no wham, no thank you, ma’am.”

Andy spread his hands. “Why not?”

“Because I’m busy.”

“Yeah? Doing what?”

“Getting my ring back.”

May and Andy both looked at him. May said, “John, the ring is gone.”

“Until I get it back.”

Andy said, “John? You’re going after this billionaire, this Max guy?”

“Fairbanks. Yes.” Dortmunder lifted another mountain of Cheerios toward his mouth.

“Wait!” Andy said. “Don’t eat yet, John, bear with me.”

Dortmunder reluctantly returned the mountain to the bowl. “And.”

“And billionaires got guards, security, all these people, you can’t just waltz in and say hello.”

“I did last night.”

“From what May tells me,” Andy said, “that’s because last night the guy was doing a little something off the reservation. Had some kinda girl with him, didn’t he?”

“I’m just saying.”

“But most of the time, John, he’ll be on the reservation, you know? I mean, even if you knew where the reservation was. I mean, how do you even find this guy?”

“I’ll find him.”

“How?”

“Somehow.”

“All right, look,” Andy said. “This emerald business can hold a few days, they’re still coming up out of South America, dancing in Cancún right now, wherever. If you want, I would work with you on this ring thing and—”

“Never mind.”

“No, John, I want to help. We’ll take a swipe at the ring, see what happens, then we’ll talk emeralds.”

Dortmunder put his spoon down. “I don’t care about emeralds,” he said. “The guy took the damn ring, and I want it back, and I’m not gonna think about anything else until I get it back, and I didn’t know the guy was an Indian, but that’s okay, if he lives on a reservation I’ll find the reservation and—”

“That’s just a saying, John.”

“And so is this,” Dortmunder said. “I’m gonna find the guy, and I’m gonna get the ring. Okay?”

“Fine by me,” Andy said. “And I’ll help.”

“Sure,” Dortmunder said, taking a stab at sarcasm. “You got Max Fairbanks’s address?”

“I’ll call Wally,” Andy said.

Dortmunder blinked, his attempt at sarcasm dead in the dust. “What?”

“You remember Wally,” Andy said, “my little computer friend.”

Dortmunder gave him a look of deepest suspicion. “You aren’t trying to sell me a computer again, are you?”

“No, I gave up on you, John,” Andy admitted, “but the thing about Wally is, he can access just about any computer anywhere in the world, go scampering around in there like a bunny rabbit, find out anything you want. You need to know where a billionaire called Max Fairbanks is? Wally will tell you.”

May smiled, saying, “I always liked Wally.”

“He moved upstate,” Andy said. He looked alertly at Dortmunder. “Well, John? Do I give him a call?”

Dortmunder sighed. The Cheerios in the bowl were soggy. “You might as well,” he said.

“See, John,” Andy said, happy as could be, taking somebody’s cellular phone out of his pocket, “already I’m a help.”