When Day Breaks

CHAPTER 13

SWANNY felt horribly guilty for eating the succulent steak right in front of Eden. He didn’t miss the longing in her eyes or the fact that her mouth was practically watering as he savored the perfectly cooked meat.

He’d never considered the sacrifices models had to make. He supposed he’d always assumed they were just naturally perfect and blessed with great genes and could eat whatever and never have to worry about weight gain.

But as they’d waited on dinner, Eden had explained her workout regimen, her diet restrictions and the arduous-sounding skin and hair care routine. It had to be exhausting. Add on to that the sometimes sixteen-hour days shooting and it sounded like hell to him. And yet she’d cheerfully listed her routine as if it were perfectly normal to work herself into the ground and carefully measure her caloric intake.

It was obvious that she made a lot of sacrifices for her career, and his respect for her grew the more they conversed. He was well aware of the stereotypes associated with supermodels. But so far Eden didn’t fit any of the negative assumptions so often assigned to women in her career.

He was as guilty of those assumptions as other people. He’d never considered the work involved in modeling and just assumed that it was a cakewalk and that all models were spoiled divas who were catered to and had their every whim granted. That beyond the practiced, polished exterior presented to the camera was a bitchy, completely fake personality.

Eden was quickly dissuading him of those notions, and he felt ashamed that he’d ever given any credence to those thoughts.

He cut off two large slices of the steak and laid them on Eden’s plate next to the bowl that contained her salad. Her eyes widened but her mouth was watering as she stared down at them.

“That’s too much,” she said with a groan. “But man, I want them.”

“Eat up,” Swanny encouraged. “I’ll get you up early and go down to the fitness center with you so you can work off those two bites before your shoot.”

She smiled warmly at him, and his chest did that weird seize that seemed to occur with more frequency the longer he was around her. “I’d like that,” she said, her eyes glowing softly. “Micah and David usually worked out with me, and believe me, they were grueling taskmasters! But I have to admit, they whipped me into better shape and they also taught me self-defense moves.”

Swanny had to work to keep the scowl from forming on his face at the mention of the other two men. Hell, he’d take over any self-defense training. Him and only him, for that matter.

“You can show me your moves,” he said, pushing away the jealousy that threatened to choke him. “I can always work with you when we have the time.”

Her eyes twinkled mischievously. “Why, Swanny, if you keep this up I’m going to think you actually want to spend time with me.”

“I think we’ve established the fact that I like spending time with you,” he said in a quiet tone. “I worried about getting in way over my head, but if I’m going to be honest, I think I’m already there.”

Pleasure spread over her pretty features, her cheeks dusty pink. “I’m glad I’m not the only one then,” she said huskily. “I’m not some vamp on the make here, Swanny. I need you to know that. If you weren’t . . . special . . . then I wouldn’t be in this room with you. I wouldn’t have gone to such lengths to put myself out there the way I did and risk rejection. It wasn’t easy. I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

Swanny’s heart softened as he saw the honesty and sincerity shining in her eyes. The idea that he had the power to hurt this woman utterly baffled him. He was going to have to pull his head out of his ass and do everything in his power to assure her that her attraction was not one-sided and that he had no intention of rejecting her or rejecting anything she offered him.

“I’ve handled all of this badly,” Swanny said, allowing his remorse to bleed over into his words. “And I’m sorry for that, Eden. You have to understand, this is new to me. And just as you said it wasn’t easy for you, it’s definitely not easy for me either. The idea that a woman like you has any interest in me . . .” He broke off and shook his head, still bewildered by it all.

She slid over on the couch so her left knee touched his right knee where he sat in the armchair diagonal to the sofa, their dinner spread out on the coffee table. She slid her hand up his leg, gently giving him a squeeze.

It wasn’t a sexual move and yet his entire body went on alert the moment her heat seeped through his jeans. He felt every part of her touch. It burned a trail up his leg, ending where her hand came to rest and where she left it as she looked up at him.

“Any woman who doesn’t see you as I do is a fool,” she said in a determined voice. “I don’t say things I don’t mean, Swanny. Not even to make someone feel better. I think you’re beautiful and I’m very attracted to you. I don’t go around blurting out stuff like that to men I don’t know. Or men I do know, for that matter,” she amended. “So this is definitely new territory for me, and it’s a little scary because you could so easily hurt me. And I’m not saying that to make you feel any obligation to give me something you don’t want. I just need you to understand that to me you’re something special. Maybe I don’t know everything about you. Yet. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to learn. I’d like to think I at least have a chance with you.”

This was a dream. An elaborate fantasy that he’d wake up from any moment now. He stared at Eden, knowing it was his turn to lay it out. That it had taken a lot of courage for her to be so forthright. He owed that back to her. But his tongue felt heavy and he couldn’t form the words. His throat felt like it was closing in on itself.

Her eyes flickered, that same brief hurt he’d witnessed before, and she started to withdraw, pulling her hand away. Goddamn it, he wasn’t going to do this to her again. He had to get with the program and start talking now.

He caught her hand, holding it tightly in his much larger one. It was a fascinating contrast, her tiny bone structure compared to his much larger frame. She had a delicateness to her that fired his protective instincts. Like if he didn’t handle her with infinite care, he could break her—hurt her—and he’d die before ever causing her a moment’s pain.

And yet that was precisely what he was doing by his boneheadedness. He was hurting her. Just not physically. A woman would only put herself out there so much before she gave up, and damn it, he didn’t want her to give up on him. He had to get his shit together and man up and quit acting like a moron who’d never been with a woman.

“I don’t pretend to understand what you could possibly see in me,” he said hoarsely. “I can’t even wrap my head around it. God only knows I have nothing to offer you.”

“I only want one thing, Swanny,” she said gently. “You. Just you.”

“You make it sound so simple.”

She shrugged. “It is. I mean, it can be as simple or as difficult as we make it. I don’t know how to make you understand that my feelings are sincere. I know you don’t trust me yet. But I do trust you.”

“I’ve done nothing to deserve it or you,” he said bluntly. “I’ve been a complete asshole and I’m sorry, Eden. You have no idea how sorry I am to have hurt you twice now. You deserve so much more than me.”

Her lips quivered into a faint smile. “You’re repeating yourself, Swanny. You keep saying the same things. Stop analyzing why and figure out if you want me as much as I want you. That’s the only real issue here. Everything else can be worked around.”

“Hell yes, I want you,” he bit out. “I can’t think for wanting you. You’ve consumed my thoughts since the very first time I saw you walk into that hotel room where we met.”

Her smile broadened and delight formed in her eyes. “Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Finally!”

He sighed. “I’m not normally such an idiot. I’m not stupid. Except when it comes to you, apparently. But you have this effect on me that I can’t even explain. I keep asking myself, why me? What does a woman like you possibly see in me?”

She leaned forward and cupped a hand to his scarred cheek, lightly caressing the ridges and the puckered skin. “You keep saying ‘a woman like me,’ but turn that around for a minute. Don’t you think I’m asking myself what a man like you could possibly see in me? You’re a hero. You’re a survivor. You help people for a living. You put your life on the line for others, and that takes a very special person to be that selfless. What could you possibly want with a woman who makes her living selling her looks and her body? You’re paid to save lives, and I’m paid to look pretty and sell a product. So who’s the better person here?”

The way she very matter-of-factly levied her opinion of him blew his mind. Whether he agreed with her assessment or not, it was evident that she was absolutely sincere in her thoughts and her analysis of him and his character. He felt like a complete fraud. Because he felt that what she was seeing or what she thought she saw was not the real Swanny.

Whatever lens she viewed him through was faulty. Was she merely temporarily infatuated with him? Perhaps intrigued by him? And what would happen when she realized that he wasn’t all she seemed to think he was?

He’d prefer never to become involved with her rather than to become emotionally and physically involved with her only to see the way she viewed him change and to see the light dim in her gaze when she looked at him and really saw him for what he was. Flawed. Far from perfect. Still dealing with the demons of his past and the shame over his weakness during his captivity and how very close he came to giving up. The physical scars were certainly no cakewalk, but worse were the scars no one could see. The ones he could feel, ones that would always be there inside him, a stain on his soul.

And yet she sat there, mere inches away, looking earnestly at him as she asked what a man like him would see in her. Her. He couldn’t even wrap his brain around that kind of question. She deserved so much more than what he could give her. She deserved a man who didn’t come with the baggage he carried.

When he still hadn’t answered her question—how could he?—she straightened slightly and gazed steadily at him, her lips firming with . . . resolve? And yet her voice was silky soft, as sweet as the rest of her and so fucking beautiful that it hurt to look at her, to listen to the musical tones of her voice.

“I’m not asking for anything you can’t or don’t want to give me, Swanny. And if you don’t want this, if I’m completely off base here, then just tell me and I swear to you I’ll never mention it again. I’ll back off and all I’ll be is a job to you and I’ll room with Skylar from now on. All I want is for you to give me—us—a chance. To just go with the flow and see where this—whatever this is between us—takes us. But the ball is in your court now. I can’t make you want me. I wouldn’t want to make you feel anything you didn’t on your own. That’s not ever the reason I want a man to be with me, because I pressured him for something he didn’t willingly give me on his own.”

Left unsaid but perfectly understood by him was that this was his last and only chance. If he didn’t make the next move, then she was done reaching out to him. It was a hell of a spot to be in. Scared to death to make a move and at the same time knowing that if he turned her away he’d regret it for the rest of his life. That he could very well be missing out on the best thing to ever happen to him. Even if his time with her was short lived and in the end they walked away and never saw each other again.

His courage had been tested countless times and he’d never felt as though he’d failed. But courage came in many variations and situations. He realized that to reach out and take what Eden was offering would be the toughest test of his courage he’d ever face. To allow someone inside him, where he allowed no one else. To let her see inside his heart and soul and trust that she wouldn’t run as far away and as fast as possible once he did let her see what he hid so effectively from everyone else.

The easy way out would be to simply tell her no. That he didn’t want to become involved and that they shouldn’t. His job was to protect her, not to be fucking her, though he knew the minute he took her to bed, she would become his number one priority and that anyone trying to get to her would have to go through him in order to do so.

But nothing good was ever easy. Only a coward would take the path of least resistance and shut Eden out before he ever let her in. He wasn’t a coward, had never been a coward, and he damn sure wasn’t going to start being one now.

She was right in that he didn’t trust her yet. Or perhaps he didn’t trust what she said she wanted. But she trusted him and it seemed the height of disrespect not to give her his trust in return.

“I don’t want you to go,” Swanny said in a soft voice. He hated how vulnerable he sounded even to his own ears.

“Then what do you want?” she asked, just as softly.

He leveled his gaze at her, determined to be as sincere as she had been. And as honest. He sucked in a deep breath and put it out there. The same thing she’d done for him. Made himself vulnerable, as vulnerable as she’d made herself by putting it all on the line. Her pride. Her courage. Her heart. Because damn it, he’d sworn to her that she was safe with him. That he’d protect her at all costs. And now he realized that his protection had to extend further because he had to protect her heart and soul as well as protect her from any physical threat.

With his next words he’d be committing himself wholly to keeping her safe. Even from himself and any hurt he might open her up to.

“You,” he said bluntly. “I want you.”