Where There's Smoke

CHAPTER 3

Later, she was to wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t seen the magazine. Redwood had been on the phone again, making yet more amendments to the campaign. Two weeks after winning the pitch, he was still calling her most days, and when he finally rang off Kate put down the receiver with a feeling of weariness. She opened the Trust’s file, stared at it for a moment, then tossed it down on her desk and sat back. Sod it. She went down to the basement kitchen, deciding to have tea instead of coffee for a change. The kettle was half full. Kate switched it on and dropped a teabag into a mug as she waited for it to boil. On the work surface nearby was a copy of Cosmopolitan. Idly, she picked it up. The glossy cover offered the usual mix of celebrity interviews and sex. One of the captions declared, “Men: Who Needs ‘Em?”. Underneath, in smaller letters, it added, “Donor Insemination: The Shape of Things to Come?” Kate ran her eye over the other captions. Then back. She flicked through the pages. She began to read. Behind her, the kettle gouted steam before turning itself off. Kate didn’t look up. She stood with her hip resting against the work surface, motionless except for when she turned a page. Only her eyes moved, running over the words in a waking REM. At one point she flipped back to reread a passage on a previous page. She lingered over it, then resumed where she had left off. She was turning to the next page when the door opened. Kate jerked her head up. Josefina paused in the doorway. The Spanish girl had an empty coffee jug in her hand. She gave Kate a nervous smile.

“I did not mean to frighten you.”

“No, I was … I was just making a cup of tea.” Flustered, Kate turned to the kettle and saw it had already switched itself off. She clicked it on again. The girl went to the sink. Kate saw her glance at the magazine, and hurriedly closed it. “Sorry, is this yours?”

Josefina brushed a heavy hank of hair from her eyes. “It’s all right. You can read it, if you like.”

“No, I’ve finished with it, thanks.

“Kate put the magazine back on the work-surface as Josefina began to fill the coffee jug from the tap. There was nothing knowing about the way the Spanish girl had smiled, Kate told herself. Why should there be? She’d only been reading a women’s glossy, for God’s sake. There was nothing wrong with that. So why was she blushing? The kettle boiled. Kate busied herself pouring boiling water onto her teabag.

On her way home, she stopped off and bought a copy of the magazine from a newsstand.

Lucy was already at the cafe when Kate arrived. It was lunchtime, and most of the tables were already full, but Lucy had managed to claim one on the pavement under the red awning. As Kate approached, she was flirting with a waiter, a pair of sunglasses pushed back on her head to hold her hair from her eyes. The waiter grinned as he went back inside. Kate pulled back the white plastic chair from the table and sat down. It was warm from the sun.

“Not interrupting anything, am I?”

Lucy gave an easy shrug. “Don’t begrudge me my little pleasures. I’ve got to pick the kids up from the creche in just over an hour.”

They opened the menus. Kate ordered a Greek salad without really looking. Lucy ordered moussaka, giving the waiter another smile as she thanked him. He took the menus with a flourish. She watched him walk away.

“Have you ever noticed how Greek men have lovely bums?”

She turned back to Kate with a sigh. “Anyway, this is a surprise. I thought I’d never see you now you’ve got the new account. How’s it going?”

“Don’t ask.”

Lucy didn’t any more. She was more interested in the argument she and Jack were having over buying new hardware for his business. Kate fuelled her monologue with the occasional nod and smile, hearing none of it. Further down the street, a group of workmen were digging up the road. A traffic warden stopped by a car, wrote down its registration number. A few feet from him, a tramp rummaged in a waste bin. Kate watched them without seeing. She looked back at Lucy and tried to pay attention. She found herself twirling and untwirling her napkin around her finger, and made herself stop.

The waiter returned and set their food on the table. Kate picked at the oil-drenched salad and white cubes of feta without appetite. She realised Lucy was looking at her, expectantly. “Sorry?”

“I said, how’s the salad? These aubergines are gorgeous! I’ve got a recipe for moussaka from a magazine, but it doesn’t taste anything like this!”

The opportunity made Kate’s heart race. “I was reading a magazine article the other day.” Her tone was studiedly casual. “About artificial insemination.”

“Oh, yes?” Lucy didn’t so much as glance up.

“Yes, it’s … you know … surprising how many women have it.”

Lucy was engrossed in a mouthful of moussaka. “Jack’s cousin did. Her husband was impotent. Some sort of hideous accident, or something, so the only way they could have kids was thingy. Artificial whatever.

“Kate forgot her nervousness. “Did they use his sperm or a donor’s?”

“Oh, Kate, please, not while I’m eating!” Lucy pulled a face. “Anyway, I don’t know all the details. They emigrated.”

She bent over her food again, then stopped. She gave Kate a sharp look. “How come you’re so interested?”

Kate made a show of forking up more of her salad. “I’m not. It’s just … you know, an interesting subject.”

She was acutely aware that Lucy was still not eating. There was a silence. Kate kept her attention on her food. Then Lucy spoke.

“You’re not.”

“Not what?”

“Thinking about having it!”

Kate tried an incredulous laugh. “me? Oh, come on!”

“You are, aren’t you!”

“No! Of course not!” She tried to look Lucy in the eye, but couldn’t. “Not seriously. I was just, you know … Look, will you stop staring at me like that?”

“I’m sorry, Kate, but what do you expect?” Lucy set down her knife and fork, the moussaka forgotten. “Well, this is one for the diary, isn’t it? What’s brought this on? Not what I said the other night, surely?”

Kate felt relief that the subject was finally broached. “Only partly. But when I thought about it, you were right. It is time I decided what I want.”

“I didn’t mean you’d got to rush out and do something straight away, though.” Lucy was looking at her with disbelief. “And certainly nothing like this!”

“I know you didn’t, but when I saw that article, it just gelled. I mean, I do want children. I even tried talking about it once to Paul, for all the good that did. Then, after we broke up, there didn’t seem any point in even thinking about it.” She leaned forwards, warming to her argument. “Because I’m single, and want to stay that way, I’ve just assumed that having a baby isn’t an option. But why shouldn’t it be? You know, it isn’t as if — “

Kate broke off as a shadow fell across the table. She looked up. The tramp she’d seen earlier was standing in front of them. His hair and beard were wild and matted, his clothes rags. He stank. He held out his hand in supplication, but didn’t look at either her or Lucy. His eyes stared at a point above them, remaining fixed on it even though his head was constantly moving from side to side in a syncopated twitch. “Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you.) The words were delivered in a flat mumble. Before Kate could react the waiter came rushing out of the cafe, began hustling the man away. The tramp slowly moved off, his mantra and twitch uninterrupted. Shaking his head, the waiter watched him go. “They should be locked up,” he said, giving them a grin as he went back inside. The people at the other tables returned to their food. The incident seemed to be ignored by common consent.

Lucy turned back to Kate. Her forehead was tucked into a frown. “You’re not serious, are you?”

Kate felt her enthusiasm begin to dampen. “I’ve not actually decided anything, if that’s what you mean. I wanted to see what you thought I should do.”

Lucy sat back. “Lord, Kate, I can’t believe you even have to ask! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve nothing against artificial insemination in itself. For a couple who can’t have kids, like Jack’s cousin, I suppose it’s a godsend. But not for a single woman.”

“You think it’s a bad idea, then?” Disappointment uncoiled in Kate’s stomach.

“Of course I do! I mean, raising kids is hard enough when there’s two of you. It must be a nightmare for a single parent! Any woman who’d voluntarily get herself into that mess wants her head looking at. And what about the agency? You’ve only just got that big account you’ve been chasing for ages. They’ll be really pleased if you spring maternity leave on them!”

Kate noticed that the woman at the next table was sitting perfectly still, her head cocked in their direction. She lowered her voice. “It wouldn’t be for nearly a year yet. And I wouldn’t need that much time off. I could work from home. Besides, I thought you said I should have a life outside the agency? What happened to deciding what I want and then doing something about it?”

“Yes, but within reason. All right, if you want a baby I can understand that. But don’t you think this is leaping to extremes? What’s wrong with trying the normal way first? You know, husband first, baby second?”

Kate glanced at the woman at the other table, who had now edged her seat nearer. She leaned closer to Lucy. “Because I don’t want a husband. And I’m certainly not going to get involved with someone just so I can have their baby. I’ve been on my own since I was nineteen. I like being independent. Why should this be any different?”

“Because it is different.”

“Why is it? Just because I don’t have a partner doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t still have a baby. I can afford it. I’m not some naive teenager. So why shouldn’t I?”

“Come on, Kate, you know as well as I do! If you’d got yourself knocked up accidentally, that’d be one thing, but you’re talking about letting yourself be … be impregnated by a complete stranger! These clinics don’t even tell you who’s sperm they’re using, do they?”

“No, but they’re careful.”

“I should hope they are, but it still doesn’t alter the fact that you wouldn’t know who the father was, would you?”

That was something that Kate wasn’t entirely happy about herself. But she wasn’t going to admit as much to Lucy. “Hundreds of women have it done,” she said, dodging the issue.

“Yes, but as a last resort, not from choice! That’s just asking for trouble!”

Suddenly Lucy turned to the woman at the next table. “Perhaps you could give us your opinion, since you seem so interested. How do you prefer your sperm, hot or cold?”

The woman reddened and quickly turned away. Lucy looked back at Kate with a hard smile. “What was I saying?”

Kate had covered her eyes with her hand. She tried not to laugh. “Telling me it’s asking for trouble.”

“Yes.” Lucy looked at her plate, as though she’d just remembered it. “Well, what else can I say? I can’t believe you’re even considering it. I’m sorry, but you wanted my opinion and that’s it.”

Kate said nothing. She sat with her chin resting on her hand, prodding with her fork at the salad.

Lucy sighed. “Obviously that’s not what you wanted to hear.”

“I just wanted your opinion, that’s all.”

Lucy’s eyes were very blue as she looked across at her. “I don’t know why. You’re going to please yourself anyway.” She looked down at her plate, torn between further censure and the cooling moussaka. She sighed again. “If you’re really set on the idea, then I don’t suppose it can hurt just to talk to someone. They’ll probably tell you the same as me, but at least you’ll have got it out of your system.” Lucy spread her hands. “There. Is that what you wanted me to say?”

Kate grinned, but Lucy hadn’t finished. “I just hope you don’t do something you’ll regret, that’s all,” she said. Then, before Kate could respond, she turned to where the waiter was wiping down another table. She beamed at him and held out her plate. “You couldn’t be a love and pop this back in the microwave for two minutes, could you?”

They walked to the tube station. The cafe was on a side road near Oxford Circus, a convenient mid-way point for both of them. Lucy was chatting about something, but Kate barely listened. She felt that even her fingertips were tingling with excitement. Now that she’d told Lucy it was as though a burden she’d been carrying around had been shucked off and left behind. Lucy was still talking as they started down the steps to the Underground. Suddenly she gripped Kate’s arm. “Oh, shit.”

Kate looked up. Her excitement curdled and died. Paul Sutherland was walking up the steps towards them. A second later, he saw them and it seemed to Kate that a flicker of unease crossed his face before his customary arrogance replaced it. She faltered, but Lucy forced her to keep moving. “Come on. Too late for that.”

He stopped directly in front of them, blocking their path. Kate ignored the irate looks from the other people who had to jostle past. Her mouth was dry.

“Hello, Paul,” Lucy said, brightly. “Assaulted anyone else lately?”

He gave her a cold look. “You’ve put on weight.”

“That’s what having two children does for you. What’s your excuse? Still taking lunch from a bottle, are we?”

His cheek muscles worked, but he didn’t respond. He looked at Kate. “You ruined my shirt and nearly cracked my head open. I hope you’re satisfied.”

The impulse to apologise almost won through. She felt herself wavering, on the brink of reverting to a former self. Then her anger kicked in. “What did you expect?”

“I didn’t expect you to get hysterical, that’s for sure.” His tone was scathing and familiar. “You need to see a shrink.”

Kate felt gagged with fury. Lucy spoke for her. “One of you does, but it isn’t her. And I think you’ll find attempted rape’s more a police matter, anyway.”

Heads turned as people streamed past. Paul gave Lucy a murderous look. “You stay out of this.”

Kate had regained control of herself. “There’s nothing for her to stay out of. You’re not worth bothering with.”

She took another step down, so they were almost touching. She stared at him. “Are you going to move?”

There was a moment of stasis. Then he broke his gaze from hers and moved to one side. Kate brushed past without giving him another glance. She held herself tense as she walked, feeling him staring after her. Lucy followed a step or two behind. The sunlight was cut off as they entered the cool of the subway tunnel. Paul’s shout reverberated after them.

“Fucking bitch!”

Kate carried on walking, her eyes fixed straight ahead. The shouts pursued her, bouncing off the hard walls.

“you think you’re so fucking clever, don’t you? Well, ask your friend who she used to shag. Go on, you smug bitch! Ask her!”

The shouts became indistinct as they went further into the station. Kate was conscious of Lucy beside her, but didn’t look at her. Neither spoke. She walked through the crowded foyer and stopped by an out-of-order ticket machine. A few feet away the turnstiles rattled and clacked as people pushed through. Lucy cleared her throat. “Look, Kate …”

“Is it true?”

Lucy hesitated, then nodded. The rigidity that had supported Kate so far ebbed out of her.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lucy’s face was uncharacteristically distressed. “Because it was ages before you started seeing him. I didn’t even know you then. I hadn’t even met Jack. It wasn’t anything serious.”

“So why keep quiet about it?”

“What else could I do? I couldn’t say anything once you’d started seeing him, could I? You’d have thought I was just being catty!”

“But why didn’t you tell me afterwards?”

“What, in the state you were in when you split up? How could I?”

“Lucy, that was three years ago! Why haven’t you said anything before now?”

Lucy shrugged, helplessly. “There didn’t seem much point. And the longer I left it, the harder it got. I always meant to, Kate, honest! I just … well, I never seemed to get around to it.” Her forehead creased in consternation. “Sorry.”

Kate turned away. Coming on top of her earlier excitement, the revelation had left her drained. But, as the initial shock wore off, she realised that if Lucy had confessed to having had a relationship with Paul — to having fucked him — it would have ended their friendship. Even up to a year ago, perhaps less, Kate knew she probably couldn’t have coped with it. So how could she blame Lucy for keeping quiet? More to the point, if it had been before Kate even met him, what business of hers was it anyway? Suddenly, it all seemed too long ago, involving people she could barely remember. Lucy was watching her, anxiously. Kate gave her a tired smile. “Don’t look so grim. I’m not going to excommunicate you.”

Lucy was still unconvinced. “You’re not cross?”

“No, I’m not cross.”

Relief lightened Lucy’s face. “Oh, thank God for that! I thought, God, if that bastard’s gone and stirred things up after all this time, I’ll kill him!” Sudden doubt presented itself. “He hasn’t, has he? You really mean it?”

“Of course I mean it.”

As she spoke, Kate wondered if that was true. There was no jealousy or resentment, but a kernel of disappointment had begun to form. Lucy’s contempt for Paul had always been a reassuring constant. Now it seemed unreliable. Abruptly, Kate wanted to be alone. “Look, you’d better go,” she said. “You’ll be late for the kids.”

Lucy gave her a hug. “I’ll ring you.”

Kate watched her disappear into the crowd, then went through the turnstile and made her way to the Victoria line. She stood on the escalator, letting it carry her at its own speed instead of walking down as she usually did. Lucy and Paul. Even the words didn’t seem right together. A movement caught her eye. A bearded man was coming up the opposite escalator, carrying a baby in a papoose on his back. The baby was goggling across at the people on her side, and Kate smiled as it spotted her. She turned her head to watch it go past, and a sudden thought took the smile from her face. She could have had a child by Paul. The thought made her go cold. She reached the bottom of the escalator and stepped off. Around her, people were rushing for the platform where a train had pulled in, but Kate barely noticed. She walked slowly, lost in the narrowness of her escape. If, if, she decided to have a baby, she would make damn sure it had a better father than that, even if he was only a father in absentia. Faceless donor or not, before she committed herself she would want to be sure he wasn’t another Paul. Or someone even worse. She shuddered to think of it. She’d made a bad mistake once. This time she would be more careful.