White Jade

Chapter Fifty-Nine

Harker had a cleanup team at the cabin before dawn. They took the body. There was a long, splintered gouge in the floor from Wu's bullet.

Carter poured a double Irish into his coffee and went out on the deck. The sun was creeping over the ridge in back of the cabin. Rivers of light streamed like white fire through the branches of the trees. Smoke-like wisps of moisture rose from the ground. The smell of pine needles and damp earth mixed with the steaming aroma of the coffee and whiskey.

Selena came out and sat down beside him, holding a cup. The air was cool and fresh. Nick sipped his coffee. Selena brushed a wisp of hair away from her forehead with her left hand and drank from her cup.

"This is a beautiful spot. It's so quiet." He sensed something behind her words. He waited.

"You know, I've studied martial arts for years, but I never thought I'd have to use them."

"The way you came over that bed after Wu, I thought you were flying. If you hadn't put that hold on him…"

He waited.

"I don't know who I am anymore," she said. "I mean, I do, but it's different. I keep thinking about Tibet and shooting that soldier. I killed people. I keep thinking I should be upset or guilty or something. But I don't feel guilty. I don't feel bad about Wu. I don't feel I did the wrong thing in Tibet. How can that be?"

A big question, with no clear answer.

"How did you feel in Tibet, in the middle of that firefight?"

"Frightened. Alive."

"More alive than ever before, right? You feel confused about that?"

She looked at him. "Yes." She paused. "No."

"What would have happened if you hadn't shot that soldier, pulled the trigger?"

"You'd be dead. Maybe I would be, too. Maybe Ronnie."

"Right. You made the only right choice. You didn't do it because you wanted to go out and kill someone. You did it because you had to. When you tell me you don't feel guilty, I'd say that's a damn good adjustment. When you say you're worried about why you don't feel guilty, it tells me you're a good person."

"You sound like you have it all figured out."

He laughed. "Sure, that's why they pay me the big bucks. I've got it all figured out. Enjoy the lack of guilt while you've got it and hope it stays that way."

"The whole thing didn't change much, did it?"

"What do you mean?"

"We didn't stop Yang. All those people are dead, and what we did didn't make a damn bit of difference."

"It wasn't our job to stop him. Our job was to find out what he wanted in that book. We did that. In the long run, maybe it makes a difference, maybe not. It's a crap shoot, what we do for Harker."

He blew on the coffee. "What do you think about what she said? About making it official? You could always just go back to giving lectures."

"You don't think that we — I mean us…that it might get in the way?"

"It won't if we don't let it."

"I'm thinking about it."

"Good enough."

After a moment she said, "I never thought I'd hook up with someone like you."

"Someone like me?"

"A man who wasn't intimidated by me or afraid I knew more than he did or who could put up with my bitchiness."

"You're bitchy? I hadn't noticed."

She gave him a look that said smartass. "I thought I'd find some nice, stable guy, some professional type. Then I meet you. Someone who blows things up for a living and wouldn't know stability from an eggplant. What are the odds on that?"

"We don't need to worry about odds."

"That's easy for you to say. What were the odds we'd get out of that mine, or out of Tibet once the Chinese showed up?"

"I don't believe in odds. If it looks like things are stacked against you, you roll the dice and tell yourself you can do it."

Looking over at Selena, he wondered where it would end up. For now, he was willing to let it be what it was. A roll of the dice. A beginning.