Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

CHAPTER 3. ALL YOU (N)EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX

Theparty continues and has taken on a much more serene and romantic tone. Leyner is on the couch with his Cinderella and is eating cocktail egg rolls off her webbed toes as they share his bottle of tequila. I am finally free from the body questions and at last can enjoy a drink myself. It seems as though the drama of the evening is over until I hear Leyner shout, “Can anyone get me some duck sauce?” Leyner is too impatient and his libido is obviously inflamed, so he is unable to wait for the hired help to procure the requested Chinese condiment.

I cross the crowded room and find Leyner conducting a focus group on homemade and alternative lubricants. As I reach the front of the group, Leyner is now meticulously mixing exact proportions of Tabasco, runny Brie, and a dash of his sacred tequila to form what he now calls his “spicy sex balm.” I try to suggest that the Tabasco may cause contact dermatitis on the more sensitive parts of the body, but Leyner chooses not to heed my medical advice as he leads his new “special” friend to his ad hoc laboratory.

I am left behind to answer a sudden barrage of questions about sex. With anatomically correct dolls,Sex and the City, and Internet porn, you’d think there’d be nothing left to learn. But there are still some questions people are afraid to ask until they’ve had that third martini.

You are what you eat. In this case, it is somewhat true, as sperm contains important genetic material. But sperm, despite its important load, is not particularly nutritious or fattening. The average ejaculate, about one teaspoon, contains between two and three hundred million sperm. Total calories: about five. These calories are derived from protein, including enzymes and sugars (mainly fructose) secreted into semen by the prostate gland to provide the sperm with the energy to swim.

Other good stuff found in semen includes water, vitamin C, citric acid, phosphate, bicarbonates, zinc, and prostaglandins. A veritable breakfast of champions.

Gberg: I still can’t believe we ended up with this title.

Gberg: I still miss “Cocktail Party Medicine.”

Leyner: I know… I can’t even look at my own nipples anymore without blushing with shame.

Gberg: Or if you had your way, it would be “Is Sperm Fattening?” That would be even worse.

Gberg: It hurts the neck to stare at your nipples for too long.

Leyner: I still love that title.

11:50A.M.

Gberg: That would have meant the end of my medical career.

Leyner: To the contrary — I think it would have landed you a Surgeon General nomination in the Hillary Clinton administration.

In the 1970s there was an after-school special on TV where two girls were talking about whether you could get pregnant from kissing a boy while wearing a wet bathing suit. That definitely isn’t true, but the answer to this question is a little more complicated.

The basic answer is yes, you can.

First, not all bleeding is a real period. Sometimes a woman can have spotting during ovulation and that would be a very easy time to get pregnant.

Also, if a woman has a short menstrual cycle (about twenty-one days), then she could be ovulating on day seven of her cycle. This would be the seventh day from the first day of her period, and if her period lasts seven days, then it is possible that her period is ending just as she is ovulating.

Confusing? It is definitely easier to practice safe sex.

Oysters definitely do resemble a certain anatomical part, but this doesn’t make them stimulants. There are a lot of different foods and substances that are thought to be aphrodisiacs. Though there is no science to prove that any of them work, there are some theories on oysters.

Oysters are full of many vitamins and minerals, especially zinc. Zinc controls progesterone levels, which have a positive effect on the libido. Other foods and products that are thought to get your mojo working include:

chocolate

strawberries

champagne

Spanish Fly

animal crackers (but only if consumed during sex and dunked in Spanish fly)

When I was in Spain, I learned that the Spaniards believed that the distance measured from either side of your nose across the tip to the other side hinted at your penis size. As the owner of a rather large schnoz, I, Billy, was happy about this. But, by this same measurement, Geppetto must have had quite a task making pants to hold Pinocchio, and Cyrano de Bergerac wouldn’t have had to waste so much time writing love letters for others. Unfortunately, none of this is true.

There also seems to be no evidence that hand size is related to the size of your package.

When it comes to foot size, two urologists, in a study in theBritish Journal of Urology, measured the stretched penile length of 104 men and related this to their shoe size. They found that there was no relationship.

As for other size issues, a small penis expands more than a big one during erection. And since a woman’s sexually sensitive parts are in and around the outer third of the vagina, a big penis is not necessarily needed to satisfy her. Size doesn’treally matter, ladies.

You must be referring to nocturnal tumescence! Or do you mean Private Willie Is Playing Reveille, or perhaps Morning Glory? There are many names for this morning starter, but only one good explanation for its presence.

These erections are experienced in the REM (rapid eye movement) phase of sleep. REM sleep is more frequent just before waking up.

Erections can also happen at other times without any stimulus. There is no scientific reason why these spontaneous erections always seem to happen in the most embarrassing places (parties, holidays, movies, weddings, funerals).

Professor Leyner has written extensively on the subject. The noted scientific research journalMaximum Golf contained this exerpt:

Announcer B: If you’re just joining us, Michael Neubauer is still in bed — but we’ve got an interesting development here.

Announcer A: That’s an erection, Bobby. That’s a classic morning erection. You couldn’t diagram it any better than that. The corpora cavernosa and the corpus spongiosum are engorged with blood and rigid. Absolutely paradigmatic. What do you think?

Announcer B: I think you just have to give it a good whack here, Chris.

Announcer A: Apparently you’ve got the ear of Michael Neubauer, because that appears to be precisely what he’s going to do.

Announcer B: I really like what he’s trying right now. He’s running this frenetic montage of actresses, models, and athletes through his mind: We’ve got Renée Zellweger, Neve Campbell, Liv Tyler, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Britney Spears, Salma Hayek, Foxy Brown, Niki Taylor, Lil’ Kim, Melissa Joan Hart, Charlize Theron, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Zaha Hadid, Benazir Bhutto, Se Ri Pak, Karrie Webb, Serena Williams, Anna Kournikova, Jelena Dokic, Mary Pierce. Now he’s going way back: we’ve got some high school yearbook action; we’ve got some baby-sitter action. He’s just totally scouring the memory bank here — there’s one of his grandmother’s mah-jongg partners with the arm wattles….

Announcer A: What are you trying to do in this situation?

Announcer B: You’re trying to get some erotic traction. You’re looking for that face or that body that just clicks, y’know, that you can fixate on, and then you try to get the voice, the incantatory exhortations, “Michael… oh yeah… oh Michael… oh my God!”

Announcer A: How do you like his mechanics right now, Bobby?

Announcer B: Excellent. He’s got a very good rhythm going right now.

Announcer A: Marvelous touch. You sense he has everything to gain and nothing to lose.

Announcer B: One caution here. You want to avoid the computer and the books over there—

Announcer A: I think we’re reaching critical mass, Bobby.

Announcer B: They don’t come much better than that, Chris. Absolutely marvelous shot!

If an aroused male is unfortunately the victim of a spinal cord injury, the ability to have sexual intercourse depends on the level of injury. In men there are normally two types of erections, psychogenic erections, which result from sexual thoughts, and reflex erections, which result from direct physical contact.

Psychogenic erections develop from the nerves of the spinal cord that exit toward the bottom of the spine at the T10-L2 levels. Generally, men with an incomplete injury at a low level are more likely to have psychogenic erections than men with high-level incomplete injury. Men with complete injuries are less likely to experience psychogenic erections.

Reflex erections arise in the sacral area of the spinal cord. Many men with a spinal cord injury are able to have a reflex erection with physical stimulation if this pathway is not damaged.

It pains us to say, but this is true. There is no bone in your “bone,” but you can rupture the penis, which is called a penile fracture. Sudden trauma or bending of the penis in an erect state can break the thick fibrous coat surrounding the corpora cavernosum tissue that produces an erection.

This happens most frequently during sex. Don’t expect to get a cast and crutches, though. This injury is an emergency and requires surgery to prevent sexual dysfunction. Ouch!

As a doctor, there is a great deal of medical research to read. Piles ofThe New England Journal of Medicine and theAnnals of Emergency Medicine surround the house. Rarely does this drudgery cause excitement, unless you stumble across the April 7, 2004, issue ofThe Journal of the American Medical Association.

As a young boy you get bombarded by the fear that masturbation can cause stuttering, blindness, or hairy palms. Even if you escape these maladies you can still be left feeling like a degenerate if you engage in self-love too often. Fear no more. In the article “Ejaculation Frequency and Prostate Cancer” you finally find out that whacking off may be good for you. This article states that ejaculation frequency is not related to increased risk of prostate cancer and that the group with an ejaculation frequency of greater than twenty-one times per month had a lower risk of prostate cancer. Great! Andno hairy palms.

Dr. Billy’s young cousin’s friend asked him this one, another common question. There are many different opinions about what constitutes losing one’s virginity, but most experts agree that women lose their virginity the first time they have vaginal intercourse.

This question mainly revolves around the idea that only an intact hymen (a fold of tissue that partly covers the entrance to the vagina) proves that a woman is a virgin. It is possible for a woman’s hymen to become stretched open during activities like playing sports or masturbating. Hymens have at least one opening that will allow menstrual flow out of the body. Tampons may stretch the hymen a little bit, but they don’t usually stretch it open all the way. Either way, most people in the modern age believe that the condition of the hymen does not have anything to do with the definition of a virgin.

Small muscle cells arranged cylindrically within the nipple are responsible for the nipple becoming erect. This occurs when they are stimulated by cold temperature or sexual arousal.

A penis whose flaccid length when stretched is more than approximately 2.5 standard deviations below average size for his age group is referred to medically as a micropenis. This is not a title that any self-respecting man wants to put in his bio, but perceptions of penis size can be deceiving.

Cold air, cold water, fear, anger, or anxiety can cause the penis, scrotum, and testicles to be pulled closer to the body, thereby shortening it to micropenis lengths.

Warm conditions on the other hand can cause the penis to lengthen. Although the size of the nonerect penis differs widely from one male to another, this variation is less apparent in the erect state. EvenSeinfeld weighed in on the shrinkage issue.

Some penis reference points:

1. The Kinsey Report, 1948: average length of 6.20 inches (15.25 cm) with a standard deviation of.77 inches (1.96 cm).

2. Study by Wessells et. al., 1996: average length of 5.1 inches (13.0 cm).

3. Other studies: average length of 5.7 inches (14.5 cm).

The debate over circumcision has been going back and forth for years. Some American medical experts believe that all newborn males should be circumcised. The side in favor cites the decreased rate of urinary tract infections and sexually transmitted diseases among circumcised men, and the other emphasizes the pain and stress inflicted on a baby during circumcision. Others believe that the benefits of circumcision are not great enough to justify the possible complications of the procedure. In 1999, the American Academy of Pediatrics Task Force on Circumcision found potential medical benefits of circumcision, but decided that the evidence was not strong enough to recommend routine circumcision. But, more important, back to sex.

There are several studies found in urology literature that look at the effect of male circumcision on male sexual satisfaction. These studies found conflicting answers.

The effect of male circumcision on the sexual enjoyment of the female partner was also examined in a study in theBritish Journal of Urology. The authors concluded that “women preferred vaginal intercourse with an anatomically complete penis over that with a circumcised penis.” Interestingly, the authors of the study also wrote and published a book entitledSex As Nature Intended It. They also recruited some of their volunteers for the study from an announcement in an anticircumcision newsletter. We mention this not as circumcised males but as impartial interpreters of the medical literature.

Interesting circumcision facts:

The twelfth-century physician and rabbi Moses Maimonides advocated male circumcision for its ability to curb a man’s sexual appetite.

Male circumcision was introduced into English-speaking countries in the late 1800s as a method of treating and preventing masturbation.

Male circumcision, the most commonly performed surgery in the United States, removes 33 to 50 percent of the penile skin, as well as nearly all of the penile fine-touch neuroreceptors.

Everyone has a preference.

President Clinton revealed on MTV that he preferred boxers.

Kramer onSeinfeld said, “I need the secured packaging of jockeys. My boys need a house!”

The question is whether or not there is any science behind making this decision.

It was originally thought that wearing tight underwear could lead to infertility in men as it may raise testes temperature to a point where it interferes with sperm production.

In 1998 inThe Journal of Urology, Drs. Robert Munkelwitz and Bruce R. Gilbert analyzed semen samples from ninety-seven men with fertility problems. Half of them wore briefs, the other half wore boxers. The researchers measured the men’s scrotal, internal, and skin temperatures, both while the men were wearing underwear and again when they were going commando. They found no significant differences between the two groups of men in scrotal temperature, sperm count, sperm concentration, or sperm motility.

The purpose of the scrotum is to maintain the testes at a temperature of approximately five degrees less than the rest of the body (about 93.6 degrees F). It appears as though the scrotum does its work whether you are in boxers, briefs, or free ballin’.

So you can make your own fashion choice and your sperm won’t know the difference.

An article in theAmerican Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology in 2001 called the G-spot a sort of gynecologic UFO. Well, the authors of that article may want to start readying themselves for space travel. That is, after they read this paper from Cairo University: “The Electrovaginogram: Study of the Vaginal Electric Activity and Its Role in the Sexual Act and Disorders.” In this paper, the authors investigated the hypothesis that the vagina generates electric waves, which affect vaginal contraction during penile thrusting. They found electric waves could be recorded from the vagina. They also postulated that there was a vaginal pacemaker that seems to represent the G-spot, which is claimed to be a small area of erotic sensitivity in the vagina.

So what is this vaginal Loch Ness Monster?

The G-spot is simply a small area located on the upper wall of the vagina, toward the belly, about two to three inches from the vaginal opening. The G-spot was named in honor of Ernst Grafenberg, a German physician who, in the 1950s, wrote an article that mentioned an erotic zone on the anterior wall of the vagina that would swell during sexual stimulation.

There are various opinions on the best way to find the G-spot. Some women say that being on top during intercourse works best. Others swear by rear-entry as the best way to hit the G-spot. Some even say that because of its location, a shorter, smaller penis may actually be more effective at reaching the G-spot. A clue to its location may be that some women feel a sudden urge to urinate when their G-spot is touched — not surprising since the G-spot is located right near the urethra.

For those of you who have never heard of Kegel exercises, don’t expect to see a class offered at your gym.

Kegel exercises were originally developed as a method of controlling incontinence in women following childbirth. They’re named after Arnold Kegel, the Los Angeles doctor who promoted their development in the 1940s. The principle behind Kegel exercises is to strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor, or the pubococcygeus muscles. These muscles run from the back to the front of your pubic bone and encircle the openings of the vagina and rectum. Strengthening them helps improve the urethra and rectal sphincter function.

These exercises are recommended for women with urinary stress incontinence, but many others do Kegel exercises for more fun reasons.

Advocates believe that there are several benefits for a woman who exercises her vagina. They claim that it makes it easier for her to reach orgasm, makes orgasms stronger or better, and makes the vagina more sensitive.

Heat is damaging to the sperm, and theoretically can affect male fertility to a certain extent. But, there is no clear scientific evidence that implicates hot tubs. There may be a temporary reduction in sperm function after a soak, and prolonged repetitive use could cause problems, but none severe enough to avoid the occasional dip.

Saunas do not appear to influence fertility either. A few studies have reported decreased sperm count or decreased sperm movement after sauna use, but in Finland, where saunas are most common, men have high sperm counts and no apparent fertility issues.

Men are often told that they have sex on the brain, and it appears as though this may be true.

In one recent study inNature Neuroscience, a team of researchers had twenty-eight men and women look at erotic photographs while an MRI took scans of their brain. The subjects looked at arousing photographs of heterosexual couples engaged in sexual activity, sexually attractive nudes of the opposite sex, and at pictures of men and women in nonsexual situations. When analyzing the MRI results, researchers found that two areas of the brain, the amygdala and the hypothalamus, were more activated in men than in women when viewing identical sexual stimuli.

So, do men have sex on the brain? Of course, and do bears shit in the woods?

We really didn’t need a team of researchers to answer this one.

What a nightmare. The well running dry. Could it be possible?

The answer is no, but there is some bad news.

A woman is born with all the eggs she will ever have, but a man’s supply of sperm is renewed throughout his life. This sounds great, but researchers have found that men over thirty-five have more abnormalities in sperm movement and sperm with more seriously damaged DNA than younger men. It also has been found that over time, average sperm counts have been decreasing. The World Health Organization guidelines say a normal sperm count consists of twenty million sperm per ejaculate, with 50 percent motility and 60 percent normal morphology. This is different than twenty-five years ago when the normal count was near one hundred million.

My wife’s “friend” once told her that eating pineapple made you smell good “down there.” The friend had heard this from a call girl. It doesn’t get more evidence based than that.

There is, however, no scientific research on this sensitive subject. People do believe that you are what you eat, so what you ingest, ladies, can affect the smell and taste of your womanly secretions. Foods that are often mentioned as having the potential to cause problems “down there” are asparagus, garlic, and curry.

There have been many claims about female ejaculation, but this was always dismissed as urination during intercourse. More recent evidence has found that higher levels of a compound, prostatic acid phosphatase, has been found in patients who claim to have female ejaculation. This compound is also found in high levels in male ejaculate and originates in the prostate.

Researchers have taken an anatomic approach to the issue of prostatelike components in female ejaculate. They believe that if women ejaculate a fluid that is not urine, then it must be coming from someplace other than the bladder. The most likely source was thought to be the female paraurethral glands or Skene’s glands.

Autopsy tests of Skene’s glands have found substances identical to those found in the prostate. Some experts now call these glands the female prostate. So, it seems highly likely that some women can, in fact, ejaculate, but causing that to happen may be as tough as finding the G-spot.

A hickey is a bruise that forms when a person sucks and lightly bites an area on another person’s body, causing the blood vessels under the skin to break. It is also a badge of honor for horny fifteen-year-olds all around the world.