Wire Mesh Mothers

62

The cattle trailer stunk, and the floor was soaking wet with urine and manure. Tony held Mistie in her lap and Kate sat directly across from them. It was dark, and they truck was moving.

They’d held still under the straw for what was almost too long to bear. Then Kate had heard some ranch hands come up to the truck, and one said, “Hey, gotta git. Herefords to pick up over in Hobbs. Gotta git ‘em and have ‘em back to old George by daybreak.”

“You ain’t cleaned the trailer yet.”

“What George don’t know his damn Herefords ain’t gonna know. Damn, they drink pond water that they’re standing there shittin’ in.”

“You got it.”

There was a creaking as the hand climbed into the cab, and a grating as he turned on the engine. And then, they were driving off the ranch and heading for Hobbs.

Hobbs, New Mexico. That was west. Kate had looked it up in the map she had folded in her overall pocket. Route 180 went to Hobbs, after passing directly through Lamesa.

No one had spoken the first few minutes after the truck pulled out of the fenced compound and onto the dirt road. Tony had killed the deputy. Well, she was probably dead. God forgive us, Kate thought. Greta was doing her good weekly deed.

Mistie had crawled out from her straw when she saw that Tony had done the same, and had snuggled up to the girl. Tony hadn’t pushed her away. Kate had checked her leg wound. It had stopped bleeding again. At Tony’s father ranch, if they made it, she would clean it out and hope for the best.

Tony’s face was hard to see in the darkness. Kate said, “Tony, are you okay?”

Tony shrugged. “I didn’t want to kill her. She was going to tell on us. I have to get to my dad’s.”

“It’s not long now, we’ll probably be in Lamesa in just a matter of minutes.”

“I’m watching the road,” said Tony.

Kate leaned into the steel ribs of the stock trailer and crossed her arms over her chest.

Tony said, “My dad’s the best. He’ll hide us. He won’t let nobody find us and put us in prison.”

“Think so?”

“Know so. He ain’t no fucking new nigger.”

“Women aren’t the problem, Tony.”

“Women suck.”

“Look at Greta. She offered to drive us for gas and didn’t know who the hell we were.”

“She was going to turn us in.”

“Before that. She didn’t know.”

“Maybe.”

“Tony, what happened back in Mobile? Why did you…hurt yourself…with that knife handle?”

“You don’t like me to talk dirty in front of Misite.”

“Were you….?”

“Yeah, I was. Two boys down on the Gulf. Okay, make you happy?”

“Of course not. But think about this. Look at what they did. They violated you, and they weren’t women. Evil has no gender.”

“It was my fault. They saw me, what I had, if I just didn’t have…. Fuck it all.”

“It’s not your fault that they stole something from you.”

“Had it stole before. No big deal.”

“Really?”

Tony began to rub the top of Mistie’s head, and she looked again out to the road. “Mile sign, right there,” she said, and her head whipped around as the sign approached and then passed behind them into the night. “Saw it. Three miles to Lamesa.”

“That’s great.”

“There’ll be cops crawling all over town. We gotta be more careful than ever.”

“We will be.” Kate looked at Tony, at Mistie. She said, “You’ve been really nice to Mistie, Tony. She liked your stories. You’ll make a good mother someday, I’ll bet.”

“Don’t ever say that.”

“Why not?”

“Mothers are shit. My mother’s shit.”

“I bet you don’t even know your real mother.”

“I do. She lays on the sofa and whines.”

“You’ve made your gang you mother, haven’t you? A mother is supposed to give you comfort when you’re scared and is there when you’re lonely.”

“Mistie don’t have a real mom, either. Can you believe her Mama, letting her dad do to her what he’s done to her?”

“But whose fault is it? Her mother’s or her father’s, or maybe both?”

Tony ignored this. “My mother’s my gang, okay, then Mistie’s mother is the T.V. Who’s your mom, teacher?”

“I had a great mother.”

“She dead?”

“No.”

“You said had. So, who’s your mother now?”

Kate pondered this. It was a valid question. What gave her comfort, what helped her when she was lonely? “Being a McDolen in a place where I have no friends, I guess money, status. But I got bored with it, frustrated. Things got so wrong, but they weren’t as wrong as I thought they were. I was going to save myself with Mistie.”

“Fucked it up, huh?”

“Fucked it up.”

“Maybe you can stay at the ranch a while. Can you cook? I don’t know if Dad can cook, but maybe he can hire you for a while?”

“Maybe.”

Tony studied Kate. “Then where you gonna go?”

“I want to go home,” muttered Mistie.

“I thought I knew,” said Kate. “One step at a time. I have to get with Donnie. To talk.”

“I was a mother once,” said Tony.

Kate frowned, leaned forward over her knees. The movement stirred up the rancid stench in the straw, and she pinched her nose for a moment. “What?”

“I was a terrible mother. Last year I had two twins. Well, twins are always two, like Jody and Judy.”

“Tony, I had no idea.”

“Some boy from the high school did me.” The shoulders went up, down, as if it was something forgotten and now remembered in a haze. “Babies were born early, in my house. Mama chased Darlene away, and Jody and Judy, sent ‘em up the road for a while, said I had bad flu and they’d get it, too if they didn’t get the hell out of the house.”

“Tony….”

“Mama said it was my fault they came out so early ‘cause I drank beer and hung around with the Hot Heads. The Hot Heads didn’t even know I was pregnant. I didn’t tell them. They made fun of me ‘cause I was getting fat, but I didn’t tell. The babies were dead inside me, or Mama killed ‘em, or maybe I did when I squeezed them out.” Another shrug. “I never want to be no Mama, not one or not like one.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m not. I fixed myself back in Mobile, I bet. Won’t have to worry ‘bout that anymore. Look, Lamesa!”

The truck had rumbled onto a well-lit area with a spattering of suburban businesses; restaurants, car dealerships, a K-Mart.

Tony was on her feet, bringing Mistie up with her. She slid open the side door. “As soon as he slows a little, we’re out of here. Don’t bust you damn leg open no more, you hear me?”

“I hear you, Tony.”

“We’re almost there!”

“That we are.”

The truck slowed, wheezed, shifted gears. Tony and Mistie jumped. Kate took a breath, prayed for strength, and followed.