Wireman

CHAPTER 14

INSIDE THE OLD two-story red-brick town house, Nick dreamed. He lay on the newly upholstered Victorian sofa, his head on a pillow, his stockinged feet dangling over the wooden scroll armrest.

Outside a storm was brewing in the Gulf, and occasional drops of rain chinked against the windowpanes.

In Nick’s dream eyes were everywhere. Black Asian eyes staring into the night. Nick’s pulse quickened with alarm. He shuddered. The eyes were all around. He felt them on him, on his brother, and the other soldiers.

The moon was hidden behind thick smoky clouds, and the Vietnamese jungle was still as midnight. The Americans were trapped. They could not call out or signal. The Cong waited, hoping for a stupid move from the GIs. Nick and his platoon went right, slogging, tearing, their palms swelling with red welts. They doubled back cautiously, but not far. Finally they gave up and moved stealthily, padding across the forest floor with animal furtiveness into the limbo of the lost, the separated, the alone…

Nick sat up straight on the sofa, his eyes wide, unseeing. “I hate this fucking place!” he shouted, meaning the war, meaning Vietnam.

Daley had been reading an assignment for his literature course, and he nearly jumped from his chair. “Nick, what is it?” he asked.

Nick woke up. I’m not in Nam, he thought. I’m okay, I’m not gonna die.

“Nothing,” he said, noticing he had frightened his brother. “Just a stupid dream.”

Daley looked at Nick in concern. “They seem more frequent lately. Maybe you need more than Valium for your nerves.”

Nick touched his forehead and found he was sweating. He rubbed his shirtsleeve across his face. “If I need something else, I’ll get it,” he said defensively. “Like a lobotomy maybe.”

“You and that smart mouth of yours. I don’t know why I bother.” Daley went back to his reading.

“All right, I’ll tell you,” Nick said, beginning to pace the living room. “I was dreaming we were back in Nam that night we were ambushed and lost our way.”

Daley lowered the book and watched his big brother carefully. The memory of that horrible experience bloomed in Daley’s mind. No wonder Nick had awakened screaming that he hated the place. It had been the depths of hell, and it did not seem they were out of it yet, not completely.

“I could smell Charlie and I got that sinking in the pit of my belly like when I knew he was behind us,” Nick continued. “The dream was a rerun of that night. Everything was the same, and I thought I was back there, trapped, lost. I wish to hell I could forget it. Just when I think I can forget it all, it comes back in my sleep.”

“Did you tell the doctor about it when he prescribed the tranquilizers?” Daley asked.

“What the fuck’s a doctor know about Vietnam?” Nick erupted. “Doctors know shit about nothing but pills and padded cells.”

“If you’d trust one enough to tell him what you’re dealing with, Nick—”

“What could he do about it?” Nick circled faster and faster, his arms moving erratically in front of him. “Is he going to wipe it out? Is he? Can he get inside my brain and tell me what to dream about? I can see it now. Crawling through my ear on his hands and knees, stirring up the gray matter, taking a mop to the shit inside.”

Daley knew a good therapist might know how to deal with his brother’s problems. Surely someone could do something. Besides Nick’s being irritable and unreasonable, his nightmares were getting worse. It had become unusual to pass one night without being awakened by a scream from downstairs. Daley was not sure if they were living with a lunatic or if he was blowing everything out of proportion because he knew things about Nick that would frighten anyone.

Nick stopped walking and turned to Daley, a puzzled look on his face. “Something else has been bothering me,” he said. “Did you see in the paper about a couple of murders that happened last weekend?”

“Everyone on campus is talking about it,” Daley said cautiously. He did not like the dark light that had suddenly appeared in his brother’s eyes.

“They’re saying that some kind of wire was used.” Nick was standing very still.

“I know.” Daley sounded perfectly calm, but his thoughts were racing.

“Like maybe they were garroted,” Nick suggested.

Before Daley could say anything, Madra appeared at the doorway of the living room carrying two suitcases. She was fully dressed although it was after ten in the evening and Daley had thought she had gone to bed earlier. She wore a long blue patterned skirt, high-topped boots, and the cape around her shoulders. For several seconds both men stared at her in amazement.

Nick recovered first. “Sorry to see you go, but if you’re bound and determined…” He put out his hands in a mocking gesture of helplessness.

“Daley, may I please speak to you alone?” Madra asked. Daley put down the book and stood slowly.

“What’s going on, Madra? What are you doing?” He walked to her, his hands out.

“I didn’t want it to end this way, Daley, but I didn’t have the courage to talk to you about it. I’m moving out. An old girl friend offered me her place in Montrose.”

Daley touched her arms and stared into her eyes, her strange faraway eyes. She was not seeing him. He shook her gently, his heart heavy. He knew she had been unhappy ever since the first day, but he had never thought she would leave without discussing it with him.

Her eyes rolled back into her head a bit and she swayed, still holding the suitcases.

Daley grabbed her and tried to mentally will her out of the seizure. “Madra, don’t leave me,” he begged.

“Well, I think I’ll spare myself this little domestic scene,” Nick said, going into the kitchen.

Madra came out of the trance and at once bit her lower lip. Tears welled in her eyes, and she stared at the center button on Daley’s shirt. “I’m sorry, Daley, really I am. I’ve tried hard with you. Harder than with anyone else in my life, but it’s not working. We’ve drifted apart…” She paused, and glanced away guiltily.

They both heard Nick making noises in the kitchen. “I can’t go on here. I’m between you and Nick all the time. You’re constantly defending me. I only make trouble for you.” She was trying to free herself from his arms, but not in any serious way. Daley was impotent to refute her reasoning, and something sagged within him. “Madra, listen to me. We can work this out. I know my brother’s a problem but…”

She shook her head sharply and pulled from his grasp. “Don’t, Daley. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. I have to leave. I have to go tonight.”

She hefted the suitcases and turned to the front door. She looked back, her eyes pleading with him to not prolong the misery. “Can you get the door for me, please?” she asked timidly. “You can always call me. I’ll be at Dina’s. You know her from Gilvert’s lit. class.”

Daley straightened his shoulders in resignation and walked to her. He took the doorknob in his hand, then turned and drew her to him. His kiss was long and tender, and he felt her lips tremble. Then he released her and opened the door. “I don’t want you to go,” he said softly, desperately. “I need you, Madra. You don’t know how I much I need you.”

Madra smiled sadly and walked into the night without looking back.

Nick’s voice surprised Daley. “What’s up with our little Russian looking fashion model? Running out on you, is she?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Daley shut the door sadly and locked it. He slowly walked to the living room and slumped into his chair.

“Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. She’s ‘Twilight Zone’ material, take my word for it. You’re better off without her.” Nick’s chatter was light and he appeared to be in high spirit.

“I said I didn’t want to discuss it, Nick.”

“It’s just you and me, Daley,” Nick persisted, standing over his brother. “Like always. We don’t need women like her. We don’t need woman at all. Except for special purposes, of course. But with her out of the way we can be ourselves, don’t you see that? She knew she didn’t fit in here. We can talk like we used to. We can—”

“Shut up, Nick! Just shut up!” The explosion hung in the room like a dark aftermath of a nuclear explosion.

Nick sat down on the sofa, and his face hardened. The jaw muscles tensed and in his eyes there was a banked fire. When he spoke again, his voice was frighteningly intense yet quiet. “I am not ready to shut up. You wasted months on the bitch and now you want sympathy. Don’t ask for it from me, Daley. I told you all along what a mistake it was. For you. For us. We didn’t need her and you know it. You’ve always known we didn’t need them.”

Daley wanted to argue, he really did. But there was truth in what his brother said. They had been together all their lives. They had shared a war. They had overcome the threat of death and madness. How could any woman expect to fully understand the things he and his brother had shared? He had been drawn to Madra because of her uniqueness and vulnerability, but he realized now those were the same qualities that bound him to Nick. He had wanted to love and protect them both, to take them under his wings like pitiful, backward children and guide them through life. Was that a good enough reason to love a woman? Had Madra understood on some level that his love for her was more brotherly than romantic? Would he always fail with women because he lacked that dominating, aggressive drive and that devotion they expected from a man?

“I’m so tired,” Daley muttered, rubbing his eyes.

“You should go to bed,” Nick said in a soothing voice. “You’ll feel better about this tomorrow. You’ll get a grip on yourself.”

Daley nodded. He looked at his brother compassionately. If everyone else deserted him, Nick would always be there. Nick was his blood, his right arm, his shelter. He did not have to prove himself to Nick or swear allegiance or utter devotion or the promise of steady comfort. Nick was his brother. His family. If he lost everything else and his world collapsed into blackness, he would still have Nick. They would never have to fear loneliness as long as they were both alive.

Daley smiled at his brother. “I’m all right,” he said. “I think I’ll go to bed. You’re right. Tomorrow things will look better.” He paused. “But I will miss her.” He stood and went to the stairs. “I’ll miss her more than I can tell you.”

Nick stared at his brother’s back with an odd expression of peacefulness and contentment on his face. At last, he thought.