You Bet Your Life

3

The cab driver’s name was Raymond Narducy, according to the name plate and picture. He was a little guy with glasses and a wooly blue scarf over most of his face. The heater in the cab wasn’t working.

We headed south on the red bricks at State Street past dark-windowed bars and sprawling auto parts shops crushing two-story frame houses between them. In the window of one of the houses I spotted a little kid with her face pressed into, and distorted by, a cold glass pane.

“That’s Colisimo’s,” Narducy said through his scarf. I looked. There was a sign saying Colisimo’s. Without Narducy’s warning I would have missed it. It was a three-floor brick building, nothing special.

“Big Jim Colisimo used to be the boss around here,” Narducy said. “Johnny Torrio gunned him and took over. Then he gave it all to Big Al. Big Al died in Alcatraz.”

“That a fact?” I said. “Why you telling me? I look like a historian?”

“Naw,” said Narducy, making a left turn on Twenty-second Street. “You look like a cop. Wanna know how I knew you were a cop?”

“Yeah.”

“One,” he said, holding up a holey glove and extending a finger, “you came out of the police station. Now you could have been a criminal, but with that new coat and hat, if you were a criminal, you’d have a car. If you were a lawyer you’d have a car. If you were a bail bondsman, I’d know you. You look too tough to be a victim. You want more?”

“Sure,” I said. He had pulled to a stop on the curb across from the place I was looking for, the New Michigan Hotel.

“Two,” said Narducy, holding up a second finger, “you aren’t a local cop. A local cop would have a car, too. Wouldn’t take a cab. You’re on an expense account of some kind. I saw you write something down in that little notebook. Three, you’re from someplace warm-California. You’re wearing a lightweight summer pants. Couldn’t be Florida because you don’t sound it. I know accents. For instance, you can always tell Canadians. They say aboot for about. I study human nature. Shit, I got nothing else to do except freeze and read detective stories. So,” he said, holding up his whole hand, “I put all this together about you and with a few guesses, and the fact that you wanted to go to the New Michigan where I’ve delivered some unsavory ones, I come up with the following: You’re a California cop tracking down some guy. You asked the Chicago cops for help and they didn’t give you much so you’re on your own.”

“That gets you a quarter tip, Philo, and if you want to sit here with the meter off, I’ll be back out in a little while.”

“Suits me just plumb to death,” he said in a fake Western accent. “You don’t come out in an hour you want me to call the sheriff to send in a posse?”

“No,” I said. “It’d be too late. By the way-Capone ain’t dead. He’s alive and not very well in Miami.”

“I never claimed to be good on facts,” said Narducy, looking at me in the mirror over his glasses. “It’s deduction that’s my forte.”

“Goodbye,” I said, turning to cross the street.

“Around here it’s arrivederci,” replied Narducy, wrapping his arms around himself and slouching for warmth.

The lobby of the hotel didn’t look big time. Like the neighborhood, it had dropped from what had once apparently been near-respectability. It was almost noon. A couple of well-upholstered painted ladies sat on stuffed chairs. It was too early and too cold to go out and work. The hotel lobby had the musty smell of mildewed carpet. It was still a few years from being an out-and-out dive, but it was clearly a losing battle. As I walked to the desk, I spotted a mean looking guy shaped like an egg giving me the eye. He was sitting, but by the time I reached the desk he had put down his comic book and was heading toward me.

The dark young desk clerk sat with his chin in his hands and his elbows on the counter. He wore a suit, a tie, a cut on his chin from shaving, and the look of someone who had taken something to keep as much distance as possible between what he saw in his head and what his eyes told him was out there.

“I want to get a message to Frank Nitti,” I whispered to the clerk. The tough looking little fat guy listened. The clerk heard my voice from somewhere and looked in my general direction, trying to focus. He was probably the day talent. It didn’t look like many people checked into the New Michigan during the day.

“What makes you think Mr. Nitti’s here?” The fat little guy’s voice was the croak of a frog through a tunnel of sandpaper.

I looked at the desk clerk who was just turning toward the gravel voice. I knew when I spoke he’d start to turn back to me and he’d forever be a beat behind whoever was talking. He must have felt like someone watching a movie out of sync. From the gentle grin, I gathered he liked it that way.

“A cop told me,” I said, still looking at the desk clerk. The fat guy cut the distance between us to almost nothing and breathed garlic up at me. He must have been eating the stuff for breakfast.

“I’ve got a message for Nitti from Big Al,” I said, fascinated by the desk clerk’s underwater movement. “I got in from Miami last night.”

“Who are you?” he croaked.

“My name’s Peters, Toby Peters. Big Al said Nitti would help me with something. Said he was a good guy.”

From the corner of my eye I could see the fat face nod in agreement about Nitti being a good guy. From what I knew about Nitti, he had been Capone’s enforcer, the top killer. With Capone gone, he might be on top instead of Ralph Capone or Guzik. I didn’t know. I thought I’d ask Kleinhans the next time I saw him.

“Wait here,” said the fat man. He walked away and around a corner.

“Large weather we’re having,” I said to the desk clerk, who nodded in agreement.

The ladies of the afternoon looked me over, gave me their best show of teeth, ankle, thigh and breast. I shrugged sadly, pointed upstairs and said, “Business.” They went back to their conversation.

I blew my nose two or three times, passed my hand in front of the clerk’s face to be sure he wasn’t blind, and waited. The fat guy came back in about five minutes and waved a ham hand at me to follow. I followed. We got on an elevator just big enough for the fat guy and me, or four normal people. I listened to him breathe hard over the clank of the box we were in. There wasn’t enough room to blow my nose.

We got out on five and went down a very narrow corridor. I knew which room we were going to. A guy in a dark suit who looked like Lon Chaney in. one of his better disguises stood in front of a door with his arms folded. He gave me a sneer, opened the door behind him, and stepped in. The fat guy stood behind me.

The room smelled like fried chicken left overnight. It probably was fried chicken. The New Michigan was full of nostalgic smells. Two men sat at a table. One had a dark mustache and was clearly a villain. All he needed was a bowl of ice cream he would eat with his fingers. The second man looked like a bartender. His jacket was off. He wore suspenders, and his dark hair was plastered down and parted almost in the middle. He had the face of a dried apple.

“I’m Nitti,” he said with a distinct Italian accent. “Talk. Three minutes and then you get out.”

I talked fast-about Chico Marx, my friendship with Snorky, the help I needed-but something was wrong. Nitti probably always showed suspicion, but his eyes narrowed to near closing. I took a chance.

“Last and not least,” I said, “a guy I met in Miami with Big Al, a guy named Leonardo Bistolfi, got chopped down in my hotel room this morning when I was out.”

Nitti eased back. His eyes opened a bit.

“It’s good you told about Leonardo,” he said. “We knew. We still got a few people who tell us things like that.”

He looked about as friendly as he probably could look, so I pushed on.

“The cops think maybe you did it,” I said, shaking my head as if the very idea was absurd.

Nitti’s hands balled into fists and turned from red to white.

“We didn’t do it. We don’t know who did. We ain’t gonna be happy when we find out. Things ain’t like when Big Al was here, or Torrio. Johnny kept-” The bad guy with the mustache moved a little and Nitti saw. He cut off his conversation.

“You had your three minutes,” said Nitti. “Find your way out.”

“But what about help? What about finding Gino?” I said.

Nitti pointed his finger at me and started to get up. The villain with the mustache muttered a calming “Frank,” and Nitti sat back and spoke.

“Gino says Marx owes $120,000. He owes it. Big Al asks me to help. I help. Marx has a week to deliver. Understand? I don’t like this Chico Marx. Little Jew making fun of Italians. He owes. He pays. Get out. I got other problems.”

I was going to say something, but the villain with the mustache turned toward me and shook his head no. I looked at the short fat guy, Lon Chaney, and Nitti, and went.

The fat guy and I went down in the elevator.

“How’s Big Al?” he said.

“Nuttier than a fruitcake,” I said.

“Yeah,” said the fat guy.

Raymond Narducy peered at me over his glasses when I got back into the car.

“You did all right,” he said. “You came back with your hair still on.”

I let out a King Kong of a sneeze and sat trying to think of what to do next.

“I’m looking for a guy named Gino,” I said. “Might be in a place called Cicero. He’s got something to do with gambling. Any ideas?”

“Maybe,” Narducy mumbled through his scarf. “There’s a bar on Wabash, Kitty Kelly’s. Guys go there. Drifters, small timers, some cops and robbers. They got a couple of 21 tables. Used to bet money. Now it’s for drinks. A woman who lives in my building works there. Name’s Merle Gordon. She might be able to give you a lead.”

“Thanks,” I said. We headed up west on Twenty-second and I did some nasal talking. “I’m a private investigator, not a cop, but you had the rest right. A guy got knocked off in my hotel room. The cops were talking to me about it just before I got in your cab.”

Narducy’s eyes danced behind his glasses. I went on.

“I’m working for the Marx Brothers. Chico got in some trouble with the mob and-”

“A diabolical concatenation of circumstances,” Narducy cried.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It’s from a mystery story. I said it because I just heard on the radio that Chico Marx is in a hospital in Los Vegas.”

I slumped back, imagining a fingerless Chico Marx. I’m sure I shuddered, but I wasn’t sure whether it was from the cold or my imagination.

“I need ten bucks in change and a telephone,” I said.

“Right,” said Narducy taking a sudden left. He pulled up to a drug store, yanked a leather pouch from under his seat and opened it. It was full of change. He counted out ten bucks. We made the exchange and I ran in the store. There was a wooden phone booth in the back and it was empty.

It took me two minutes to get information and ask for any Las Vegas radio station. I got the station and asked for the newsroom. The news room turned out to be one man named Almendarez. Almendarez had a nice deep voice. Almendarez told me what hospital Marx was in when I told him I was doing a book on the Marx Brothers and would certainly mention his crucial role in it. My pile of coins was going down, but I had enough left to do plenty. I got the Las Vegas information operator and asked for the right hospital. At the hospital, I said I was Leonard Marx’s brother Herbert and that I wanted to talk to my brother.

“Just get his room or whoever is there,” I said. “Tell them it’s Gummo.”

The nurse was undecided, but I said, “Please hurry” and coughed a real cough. She put me through.

Someone picked up the phone, and the nurse said the caller was Gummo Marx and should she put it through. The person on the other end said, “Yes” and it was my turn.

“Hello,” I said.

“If you’re Gummo,” replied the familiar voice of Groucho Marx, “then I’m Andy Hardy. On second thought maybe you’re Andy Hardy and I’m Gummo. Whoever you are put the phone down and take a cold bath. I know it does wonders for my dog or my son Arthur. I can’t remember which.”

I knew he was going to hang up so I shouted, “Wait. My name’s Peters. I’m a private detective. Your brother Chico knows me. If he could talk-”

“If he could talk?” chuckled Groucho. “Diamond Jim Marx won’t stop talking.” He put his hand over the mouthpiece and I could hear him saying something. Then another voice came through. It was Chico Marx. I had spoken to him before, but each time I was thrown off by the accent he didn’t have. It was so much a part of what I thought Chico Marx was, that I had trouble believing this man with a slight lower East Side accent was the same comic Italian.

“Yeah Peters. What’s up?”

“What did they do to you?”

“They? Who?”

“You’re in the hospital.”

“Nobody did anything to me. I had a heart attack.”

“You don’t sound like it.”

“It wasn’t a real heart attack. I’m losing more than I make working in Las Vegas. I checked in here to resist temptation and avoid a few people. Grouch and Harp heard on the radio I was sick and flew here. Harp and me are playing pinochle. I’m losing, but slower than at the tables. Where are you? What did you find out?”

“I’m in Chicago.”

“We used to live there. You hear that?” he said to his brothers. “He’s in Chicago.”

“You stay in that hospital, Chico,” I said, dropping another six nickels in the slot to keep from getting cut off by the operator. “The gentlemen here still say you owe them the money, and someone is playing rough. A cheap hood named Leonardo got machine gunned in my hotel room.”

Groucho must have had his head to the phone listening because he shouted to me.

“Listen to me, Peters. Don’t let them add it onto your bill. You didn’t order a dead hoodlum and you shouldn’t have to pay for one. You should insist that they throw extras like that in free.”

Chico took the phone.

“Don’t mind him,” he said. “He thinks you’re one of my friends pulling a gag.”

“Well tell him it’s no gag. I’ve got to find Gino. You just stay where you are. I may have to ask you to come to Chicago when I find him. Maybe if he’s in the same room with you he’ll realize he’s got the wrong man.”

“And what if he lies and says I’m the right man?” asked Chico.

“Then we break him down, talk a mean streak, or run like hell.” I coughed. “I’ve got no other ideas right now.”

“Take care of that cold,” said Chico. “Where you staying?”

“The LaSalle,” I coughed.

“Harpo says you should gargle with Listerine.”

“Tell him thanks, and please stay there till you hear from me.” I hung up. Through the window of the phone booth I could see that Narducy had wandered into the drug store. His scarf was off his face. It was a very young face. He waved at me, and I waved back as I got the operator and gave her the number of MGM in Culver City. I told the MGM operator who I was and asked for Louis B. Mayer. She checked and said he was busy, but that Mr. Hoff was to take any calls from me. They put me through.

“Hello, Toby,” came the voice I recognized. He was a minor vice president at MGM who I had recently helped keep his job-a job he hated.

“Warren,” I said, “why is God ducking me?”

“Chico Marx is in the hospital,” he said. “Mr. Mayer thinks it may be because you didn’t do what you were paid to do.”

“Chico Marx is in a Las Vegas hospital with a fake heart attack,” I said truthfully. Then I added not so truthfully, “I told him to go there until I straightened this out. I’m protecting MGM’s investment.” Post nasal drip got me and I began to cough about ten cents’ worth of time.

“Where are you, Toby?”

“Chicago. What’s the weather like in L.A.? Wait-don’t tell me. Just send me three hundred bucks at the LaSalle Hotel in Chicago and do it fast. I’ll itemize it.”

“I know,” said Warren. “I’ll call our district manager in Chicago and have him send the money over in cash. And Toby, the Marxes are talking about quitting the movie business. If they do before you wrap this up, I can give you odds that Mr. Mayer is going to fire you with a penny postcard. He’s not going to pay to protect an actor who doesn’t work for him.”

“I guess it makes sense,” I coughed.

“Why don’t you take some Bromo cold tablets for that cold?” Warren volunteered.

I thanked him for the advice, the money, and the support, and hung up. I marked the cost of the calls in my little book and joined Narducy at the lunch counter.

“I’ll buy you lunch, kid,” I said with a sneeze. “I’m on top of the world.”

“Man on pinnacle has nowhere to step but off,” replied Narducy in the most embarrassingly loud Charlie Chan imitation I had ever heard. It was even more embarrassing since we were sitting in a drug store in Chicago’s Chinatown and everyone in the place was Chinese but us.