Clobbered by Camembert

CHAPTER

As the tent door clicked closed, thunder rumbled overhead and dread flooded my veins. I tried to assure myself that Chip hadn’t hurt me before, therefore he wouldn’t hurt me now, but I wasn’t very convincing. If only the ice-sculpting contest wasn’t pulling the crowds away from this section of the faire.

Chip set me on my feet, snatched the hockey stick from me, and wielded it overhead. “Don’t scream.”

Throughout our relationship, I had known Chip had a temper, but I had never thought he was irrational. We fought; we made up. He oozed charm; I felt guilty. He had never laid a finger on me. If I disobeyed his order now and screamed, would he whack me with the stick? Talk about being conflicted, not to mention that I wasn’t sure I could even whisper, let alone yell. My throat felt clogged with cotton.

“Whatever it is you think I did …” Chip let the sentence hang.

I didn’t think; I knew. And he knew I knew. What I didn’t know was why he had done it.

As my heart jackhammered in my chest, I scanned the tent for an escape. I couldn’t crawl beneath the lower edges. They were weighted with metal pipes and lashed to stakes outside the tent. The windows were zippered shut. Sealed boxes of stemware and crates of wines stood stacked against one wall. Decorations that had adorned the walls were stowed in see-through containers. Cheeses were stored in ice chests. Cartons of souvenir plates sat piled on top of each other and strapped to a trolley for easy transport. Someone from The Cheese Shop was certain to return for the rest of the items, but how soon? Tyanne had been toting a box of stemware, which meant she was headed to Fromagerie Bessette, not to the tent.

“I’m innocent, babe. Tell me you believe me.”

I gaped. He wanted absolution? Was that the way to keep him calm?

“Prove it.” My voice sounded raspy, tight, but I couldn’t make it any louder. Where was a megaphone when I needed one? “You have something fuzzy in your pocket besides your cell phone. Show me what it is.” Ten bucks said it was a ski mask.

He didn’t budge.

“The night Kaitlyn died, you claimed you were at the pub,” I went on. “You watched Georgia playing darts.”

“That’s right. She scored nine bull’s-eyes.”

“Did you see each one?”

Chip tapped the hockey stick on the fake grass. As if keeping rhythm, rain pelted the tent’s roof with an intense rat-a-tat.

“Here’s what I think happened,” I said, as the evening that Kaitlyn died played out in my mind. “Georgia announced she was going for ten bull’s-eyes. When Kaitlyn came in and asked where Ipo was, you saw your opportunity. Georgia was in for the long haul; she wasn’t going to quit. If you could find someone to corroborate your alibi, you were gold. So you fortified Luigi’s drinks.” Back in college, to knock out the competition, Chip had done the same thing to a guy who had hit on me. He had sneaked an extra shot of vodka into each of the guy’s rounds. “The morning after Kaitlyn died, I saw Luigi at the library. He thought someone had slipped him a Mickey Finn.”

Chip jammed the hockey stick hard on the grass but didn’t say a word. His gaze turned glacier hard.

A chill crept into the tent. I fought hard not to shiver. I needed to appear strong, in command. If only I could scream. “When Luigi was sufficiently plowed”—my voice was stronger, but not strong enough—“you sneaked into the men’s room, slid out the window, and raced to Lavender and Lace. You grabbed the hockey stick and hurried to the cottage.” Chip had always been fast. It was one of his greatest assets when playing hockey. “Later, with Luigi three sheets to the wind, you told him you were at the pub the whole time. He confirmed your alibi. What I can’t figure out is why you killed Kaitlyn.”

“I didn’t kill her.” Chip popped up the hockey stick and caught it at the neck. Like a hockey enforcer, he spun the stick around and glowered at me. I was the one person standing between him and freedom.

I eyed the door. If I bolted for it, Chip might strike out. If I continued talking, maybe he would see the error of his ways. I tried to conjure up the spirit of one of Rebecca’s TV legal eagles, preferably one with the gift of persuasion. “Kaitlyn was your ticket to Nirvana. She wasn’t going to renege on your contract.”

“Exactly. Which gives me no reason to have killed her.”

“She valued her contracts,” I went on as I tried to figure out Chip’s motive. “She was standing pat on Barton’s sale. She wouldn’t let Oscar quit. She wouldn’t even let her daughter walk away from her duties. So, if she wasn’t going to back out of your contract, why did you kill her?”

“I didn’t. That’s what I’m telling you.”

I had never considered Chip a sociopath, but perhaps he was. He didn’t look one bit fazed by lying.

“You stole the cheese from the tent because”—I licked my parched lips—“you thought you needed to replace it at the scene of the crime. You had used a container as a hockey puck on Kaitlyn’s neck and absconded with the evidence.”

“No.”

“But you never replaced the cheese at the cottage, did you? You changed your mind, because you realized if you replaced the cheese, Urso or one of his deputies might notice, and that would draw attention away from Ipo as a suspect.”

“Ridiculous.” Chip twisted the hockey stick, lost hold of it for a second, but quickly regained control. His eyes flickered.

“Tell me what Oscar saw on your phone. That’s why you attacked him.”

“He didn’t see anything. Not one picture. Nada. He wanted to chat to his girlfriend, that was all.”

Talking about Chip’s cell phone made me remember mine. Chip had stuffed it in my pocket, not my purse. I started to remove my wet gloves.

“What are you doing?” he demanded.

“These are soaked. I need to warm my hands. I’m going to put them in my pockets. Do you mind?”

He shrugged.

I tucked the wet gloves under my armpit and slipped my hands into the pockets. With little movement, I was able to switch on my cell phone’s mute button. Chip might hear the phone vibrate if someone called me, but he wouldn’t hear me summon the first person on my speed dial—Jordan. I prayed for him to pick up. Maybe Jordan could tell what was happening by listening in.

To drown out Jordan’s voice if he answered, I scuffed my loafers on the fake grass, like I was trying to warm myself up, except the scuffing wasn’t loud enough. I needed to do something more.

In the angriest tone I could muster, I said, “I know what Oscar saw!” The American Theater Wing would never award me a Tony for my overly dramatic performance, and Grandmère would have a hissy fit that I was telegraphing to the audience, but I could live with her disapproval. At least, I hoped I would live long enough to find out.

“Be quiet,” Chip warned.

“Or what?”

He wheeled back with the hockey stick.

As he did, a notion hit me like a telephone book. Cell phones kept lists of the most recent telephone calls. I backed off with my tone but not my words. “Oscar saw a phone call from you to Kaitlyn the day she died.”

“You’re wrong.”

“You called her the day she was in The Cheese Shop. She threatened to ruin you.”

“Didn’t happen.”

“Then why are you holding me hostage?”

Chip stalked me. He tossed the stick from hand to hand. “So what if I called her? We were partners. I called her a bunch of times every day.”

“She threatened to ruin you that day. Why?”

A heavy silence fell between us. Finally he said through gritted teeth, “Do you really want to know? Huh? Do you?”

“Yes.”

He set the blade of the stick on the grass and flicked it with vengeance. “Kaitlyn lured me into her bizarre scheme with the promise that I would be a honeybee farmer, and in a year, I’d own my own restaurant. You saw the contract. That’s what it said.”

I hadn’t read it, but I nodded to appease him.

“When I discovered that she didn’t want a honeybee farm at all … when I discovered what she was truly up to, I lost it. You know how I am when I get shoved against the wall.”

Yes, I did. He was one of the feistiest in a hockey brawl, hence the divot in his chin.

“I caught her in her office with plat maps spread out on her desk, as well as blackmail agreements signed by Arlo and others. Do you know why she was blackmailing them?”

“To get their property.”

“Bingo.” Chip tapped the hockey stick on the fake grass. “She wanted to own the whole upper north side.”

“To build strip malls and megastores.”

“Double bingo.” Double tap. He growled like a caged animal. “She was going to raze the countryside. Tear down the trees. Widen the roads.”

My biggest fears realized.

“I told her, ‘No way.’ I wasn’t going to be part of destroying Providence. I wanted out, but she wouldn’t budge. She said she needed someone with my pedigree to be the face of her project. My pedigree. I was to make statewide tours endorsing Clydesdale Enterprises. I was to be the face of honesty and integrity. Babe, I had no idea she’d use my heritage against me.”

Lots of people in town were natives and had what people would call a Providencian pedigree, but Kaitlyn had selected Chip because he was as gullible as he was egotistical. Realizing the truth must have knocked him for a loop.

“That night I went to Rebecca’s cottage and I pleaded with Kaitlyn. I told her my family name carried no weight in town, not since I walked out on you, but she wouldn’t release me from my contract.” He jammed the blade of the hockey stick into the grass again. “I knew I’d never win you back if I went along with her plan.”

“Win me back?”

“I love you, Charlotte. I made a mistake. I never should have left.”

“Hold it.” Something wasn’t ringing true. “After Kaitlyn died, you begged Georgia to honor your contract.”

“In its original form. I would run the honeybee farm, and in a year I’d get my restaurant. No promoting. No endorsing. But good old Georgia”—he blew a long stream of air out of his mouth—“she said she would do exactly what her mother intended. She’d snatch the land and develop it. She’s a—” He stopped himself. “She’s a big-city witch eager to turn the rest of America into a parking lot. They were a real pair.”

“So why didn’t you kill Georgia, too?”

“I didn’t kill Kaitlyn. It was an accident.”

Semantics, I could hear a lawyer say. I said, “Back to Oscar.”

Chip snarled. “I was an idiot. He said he wanted to call all the girls in my little black book, but he was onto me, same as you. He didn’t think my alibi was solid.”

Silly me, thinking I was the only one taking the investigation a step further. Did Urso know everything I did? He had said he had an idea who the thief was. Did he have an inkling that it was Chip? Was he trying, at this very moment, to drum up evidence? Where was he, or one of his deputies? Wasn’t somebody missing me by now? Hadn’t anybody seen the umbrella Chip dumped outside and wondered who had abandoned it? What I wouldn’t give to have brought Rebecca along on this wayward side trip. Safety in numbers and all that.

I said, “Oscar took your phone, but you needed it back. He didn’t give it to you that night, did he? The next morning, you went to his house wearing a ski mask, like the one in your pocket.”

Chip looked ready to deny-deny, but he didn’t.

“You attacked him because he’d seen more than your little black book. He’d seen your call list, hadn’t he?” I went on. “And not simply one call to Kaitlyn. Like you said, there were dozens. But all the calls ended the minute you killed her.”

“It was an accident.” Chip whizzed the hockey stick in a figure eight. “Will you get that through your head?”

“You took Ainsley’s hockey stick with you.”

“To scare her.”

“It’s malice aforethought.”

“She laughed at me. It was her fault I lost it. I was so angry. I swatted the pillows off of Rebecca’s couch.” Chip swiped the hockey stick; it swooshed through the fake grass. “That only made Kaitlyn laugh harder. To scare her, I knocked more things to the ground.” Another swipe. Another swoosh. “When a box of cheese hit the floor and started to roll, my days as a hockey player came back to me in a flash. I righted the cheese box, reeled back, and slapped that sucker.” He acted out his story. “It soared into the air and hit Kaitlyn smack in the throat. Bam!” He paused. “I was never that good a shot.”

People who had seen him play in his heyday would beg to differ.

“It wasn’t on purpose. I was just so—”

“—mad. Got it.” The bamboo fibers from the cheese box had lodged in Kaitlyn’s skin. “Then what happened?” In case I lived to tell the story, I might as well get a full confession out of him. If I didn’t, I hoped Jordan was listening in.

“It knocked the wind out of her, like the coroner said. Before I could grab her, she careened backward and struck her head.” He stomped his foot on the grass. “Flesh striking wood sounds like one of those idiot comedy acts. You know, where the guy uses a hammer and splatters a melon.”

“Why didn’t you turn yourself in?”

“I panicked. I tossed the pillows back on the couch, picked up the container of cheese, and ran.” He hung his head and swung it from side to side. “I’ve been dying inside ever since.”

“No jury is going to believe that. You went to a hockey game. You toured the town. You pursued me with flowers.”

“Dang it, Charlotte.” Chip whipped the hockey stick up and held it like a crossbar in front of himself. “You always thought I hated Providence, but I didn’t. I don’t. It’s my home. My parents might have moved away, but my heart has always been here.”

I gaped at him. Was he for real? “You hightailed it to France.”

“It was the wrong thing to do. I see that now. I want you back.”

What Kool-Aid was he drinking to think I would ever want him?

“I was an imbecile,” he said. “I’ve changed.”

Oh, yeah, he’d changed, all right.

“I’ll never hurt anyone again. I promise. You won’t tell Urso, right?”

Yes, I would turn him in the first chance I got. I didn’t say so out loud, but my eyes must have given me away because Chip’s gaze grew steely. So much for true love.

“Uh-uh. Can’t let you do that.” He popped the stick up and sliced the air.

An icy breeze cut past my face. Nerve endings at the tip of my nose tingled. In a panic, I glanced around the tent again, looking for something that I could use to defend myself. The boxes of wineglasses looked too heavy to lift, and none were open. I wouldn’t be able to break a wineglass to use as a sharp weapon. I needed to take my chances and run.

A thunderclap drowned out the sound of my scream. Bright light flashed through the window as I raced toward the door.

Chip blocked me and flailed the hockey stick.

I dodged a blow, dropped to all fours, and scrambled toward the buffet table that served as the cheese counter.

Chip pursued me. “I’m not going to jail, Charlotte. I won’t.”

Air whooshed above my back.

“I wouldn’t last a day and you know it.” He thrashed again. The stick seared the back of my thigh. I howled in pain.

I scrambled under the table and caught sight of the ice chest, lid open. Icicles jutted from inside—the icicles Tyanne must have confiscated from Thomas and Frenchie when they were having a duel. With the temperature remaining below thirty, the icicles had stayed sharp and firm. Hallelujah!

I seized one, swiveled on my knees, and jabbed it into Chip’s thigh. He yowled.

Lungs heaving, I stabbed again. Harder, deeper.

Chip released the hockey stick and hopped on one leg. “You … You … How could you?”

The same way you could have, pal.

I latched on to the hockey stick, clambered from beneath the table, and wielded the stick overhead. “Back away.”

Thunder cracked again, as if echoing my fury.

Chip crossed his arms in front of his face and retreated. His foot caught on the sticky fake grass, and he tumbled to the ground.

At the same time, the tent door flew open.

Urso rushed inside, water dripping off his hat and drawn gun. “What the heck?”

“She attacked me,” Chip said, his voice mousy and put-on. Did he truly think Urso would buy his act?

“Stand down, Charlotte.” Urso waved his free hand and his deputies jogged in behind him.

“He killed Kaitlyn,” I said.

“I know.”

The door squeaked a third time. Jordan, as drenched as Urso and the deputies, entered. In his hands, he held two cell phones. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. We heard every word. I called the chief on my assistant’s cell phone so he could listen in.” He grinned. “Nice to see you on the defensive.”