Dames Don’t Care

CHAPTER 15

I WALK around the desk an' I stand there lookin' at her as she is lyin' on the floor. I reckon she is goin' to give herself a double dose of hysteria in a minute.

I bend down an' pick her up. I carry her over to the chair an' while I am doin' it she tries - even fixed the way she is - to pull something. While she is in my arms she sorta turns her bead an' looks at me an' she puts everything inta that look that she's got. I reckon that if that dame coulda cut off ten years of her life if she was able to kill me with a look she woulda done it. It was poison I'm tellin' you.

I throw her down in the chair.

"Take it nice an' calm, Cleopatra," I tell her, "because gettin' excited or raisin' hell around here is goin' to be as much use to you as a red pepper on a gumboil. Sweet dame, you are all shot to hell, you are washed up like a dead fish in a waterspout. From now on you are the sample that got lost in the mail, you are the copy the news-editor spiked, you are the lady who got stood-up by a gumshoein' Federal dick that you thought was a pushover. You make me sick. Even if you was good I wouldn't like you."

She goes as red as hell. I reckon talkin' to her this way has stopped her hysterics anyhow. She takes a pull at herself.

"You cheap heel," she says. "I wish I'd shot you when I had the chance. I wish I'd hurt you so that it took you a year to die. But get this. Somebody will get you. Somebody will get you for this!"

"Nope, little buttercup'," I tell her. "Somebody won't, an' if you keep them shell-like ears of yours flappin' an' stop thinkin' of new things to call me you'll hear just why 'somebody' won't. Another thing I ain't frightened of friends of yours, little dewdrop, an' though they may be all the world to you to me they are just bad smells. An' another thing, if every crook who has tried to iron me out had done what he wanted I would be so full of holes that they could use me for a nutmeg grater.

"Stay quiet an' take what's comin' to you like a lady."

I turn around to Henrietta. She is sittin' up starin'. She is tryin' to understand just where she is breakin'. You ain't never seen a dame as surprised as Henrietta.

"But, Lemmy," she says. "You say that Granworth killed Rudy Benito. Then what happened? I don't understand. Did Granworth commit suicide afterwards?"

"Take it easy, honeybunch," I tell her. "You ain't heard the half of it yet. By the time I'm through you'll begin to understand just what a lousy heel that husband of yours was, an' just how much trouble a cheap dame like this Paulette here can start if she feels like it.

"OK. Well let's go on from there. There is poor Rudy Benito lyin' on the floor as dead as last month's prime cuts. Langdon Burdell, Granworth, an' Paulette standin' lookin' at each other an' wonderin' what the hell they are goin' to do next, an' then Paulette gets another swell idea - an' is it a good one? I'm tellin' you that it was such a good one that they nearly got away with it.

"She remembers that Granworth has tried to commit suicide two years before - the time when he drove his car over the wharf. OK. Well, nobody much knows about Rudy. He ain't known in New York an' anyhow he was just plannin' to scram down to Mexico. So nobody is goin' to miss him. So she suggests to Granworth an' Burdell that they take the clothes off Rudy, put Granworth's clothes on him, stick him in the car an' drive him over the edge of the wharf. Everybody will think that Granworth has committed suicide, an' Granworth can scram off with Paulette an' clear down to Mexico an' pretend that he's her husband Rudy.

"The only thing they have gotta be careful about is the police identification. But they know that Henrietta has gone back to Hartford. If they can keep her outa New York till Rudy's body is buried an' if Langdon Burdell fixes so that he is the guy who identifies Rudy's corpse as bein' that of Granworth then everything is hunky dory. Do you get it?

"Granworth thinks the idea is a jewel. It lets him out. All he has gotta do is to scram with Paulette an' get outa New York to some place where nobody won't know him an' he is safe as the bank. Also he gets rid of Henrietta which is another idea he likes, an' anyhow he is a lousy dog who will do anything that Paulette tells him to. So he takes his clothes off an' they put them on Benito who is about the same size. Then they smash Benito's face in some more; then Granworth writes a suicide note an' they put it, with Granworth's lettercase, in Benito's pocket.

"Then they have a meetin' as to how they are goin' to get the body down to the wharf an' Paulette has another big idea. She says that she will get in the car an' drive Benito's body down, because as Granworth was meetin' his wife Henrietta that night, if anybody sees her they will think it is Henrietta.

"So Granworth an' Burdell pick up the body an' they take it down by the service lift at the back of the block. Paulette' is waitin' there in the car. They stick Benito in the passenger seat an' Paulette, drivin' round the back streets, gets down to Cotton's Wharf. Once there she gets out, leans in the car, puts her hand down on the clutch an' pushes the gear lever in, an' steps back an' slams the door. The car starts off an' after hittin' a wood-pile goes over the edge.

"But just as Paulette is scrammin' off she sees the night watchman Fargal. She goes back an' tells Granworth an' Burdell, an' Burdell say that don't matter a cuss because he can square the night watchman if he has seen anything.

"OK. Paulette an' Granworth scram off. They have got the two hundred grand in dollar bonds an' before they go they pay off Burdell an' leave a cut for Fernandez, the maid an' the butler.

"When they get down to Mexico they begin to feel better, but Paulette still thinks that there is a chance of Granworth bein' recognised sometime. So she gets another swell idea. They get hold of the doctor - Madrales - an' they pay him plenty to take Granworth into his house at Zoni an' do a face operation on him that is goin' to change his face so that nobody will ever know he was Granworth.

"OK. Well now let's go back to Burdell. Granworth an' Paulette have scrammed outa it. Early next mornin' he gets down to Cotton's Wharf an' sees the watchman. He gives this guy a thousand bucks to keep his trap shut about havin' seen a woman gettin' outa the car the night before. The watchman says OK. "Then the police get the car up an' the suicide is reported. Burdell scrams along to the morgue an' identifies Benito's body as bein' that of Granworth Aymes. In the pocket is the suicide note in Granworth's handwritin'. The police accept the identification an' when the coroner has an inquest he brings in suicide. Ain't it natural? Granworth tried to commit suicide two years before, didn't he?"

I move over an' stand with my back to Metts' desk an' look around. Paulette is huddled up. Her face has gone grey. Maloney is lookin' at me with his eyes poppin' an' Henrietta is claspin' an' unclaspin' her hands. Metts is gettin' so worked up that he is tryin' to light his pipe with a match that's gone out. I go on talkin':

"Swell. Everythin' is goin' accordin' to plan. Burdell is wise. He waits two days before he phones through to Henrietta in Connecticut to tell her that Granworth has committed suicide. He does this so as to give time for the body to be buried before she can see it.

"Then he tells the maid, the butler an' Fernandez not to say anythin' about Henrietta bein' in New York that night, not because he wants to keep Henrietta outa trouble but just because he don't want anybody knowin' anything about any woman bein' around. He is thinkin' of Paulette.

"Well, the whole scheme works out swell, an' if they had been prepared to have left it alone there everything woulda been all right, an' we none of us woulda known anything about it now.

"But Burdell ain't satisfied. He ain't satisfied even although he is runnin' Granworth's old business an' makin' money. One day he is kickin' around in his office an' be finds two things. He finds first the insurance policy that Granworth took out that says that two hundred thousand dollars will be paid on his death providin' he ain't committed suicide, an' he finds the three letters from Henrietta that Granworth has left in his desk, the letters accusin' him of gettin' around with some other woman, the third one sayin' that she is comm' to New York to have a showdown with him.

"Then this Burdell gets an idea. He gets the rottenest, lousiest idea that a guy ever got. He gets the idea that if it can be proved that Granworth Aymes was murdered by his wife Henrietta then the Insurance Company are goin' to pay.

The money will go to the Aymes estate an' the Aymes estate is mortgaged to Periera - so the Insurance money will go to Periera because the Insurance Company have contracted to pay on anythin' except suicide!

"Have you got it? Was it a swell idea or was it?

"So Burdell gets busy. He sends Fernandez out to the Hacienda Altmira to wise up Periera about the new scheme. An' after this he waits around an' persuades Henrietta to go out to the Hacienda to have a nice quiet time. She is glad to do this because she is upset about Granworth's supposed suicide. She even thinks that maybe she was responsible for it an' that if she hadn't been so tough with him he mighta not done it.

"OK. Then Burdell sticks around an' waits. I'll tell you why he waits. He knows that Henrietta ain't got very much money. He knows that when that is spent she is goin' to start usin' the two hundred thousand in fake dollar bonds that she has got - the ones they switched on her, an' he knows that directly she tries to change this phoney stuff the Federal Government will step in an' start investigatin'. He knows that they will send an agent to him to ask questions about Granworth an' that they will investigate the circumstances surroundin' the Aymes suicide.

"So he grabs the three letters from Henrietta outa the desk an' he sends 'em down to Fernandez an' he tells him to be ready to plant 'em where this Federal agent will find 'em.

"Sure as a gun it comes off. I get assigned to the job an' I go to New York an' see Burdell.

"While I am stayin' there he sends me an unsigned letter sayin' that if I will go down here to Palm Springs I will find some letters that may tell me a lot.

"I fall for it an' I come down here an' find the letters an' I begin to think that Henrietta here bumped Aymes, that he didn't commit suicide at all.

"Burdell knows that I will probably think that he has written this letter, an' that I will talk to him about it so he has a story all ready - a story that makes things look even worse for Henrietta. He 'tells me that he told the others to say that she wasn't in New York on that night just so's her name would be kept outa the business.

"But like all the other crooks these guys haveta make mistakes. An' that is a thing I am always waitin' for. I checked up on Fernandez an' found that he had been the Aymes chauffeur an' that got me thinkin'. The worst thing they did was to kill Sagers because that got me annoyed, but the durndest silliest thing they did was to be so keen on hangin' this thing on Henrietta. They was all so hot to prove that she had done it after they had tried to keep her outa it in the first place that I reckoned that there was something screwy goin' on.

"The second mistake was when Fernandez told me about Paulette. He told me about this because by this time Granworth had got his face changed OK an' nobody woulda recognised him as bein' Granworth Aymes. Fernandez thought that he was safe in tellin' me because he didn't think that I would take the trouble to go down inta Mexico an' take a look around for myself.

"Fernandez has been a mug too. He has been pullin' an act on Henrietta that if he don't marry her he can make things plenty hot for her. When I come on the scene he alters this tale first because I smacked him down for gettin' fresh with her an' secondly because it plays their story along for him to say that he don't want to marry Henrietta now, because he suspects her over the counterfeitin'.

"I get wise to this guy. I get wise to the fact that Fernandez an' Periera an' Burdell are all playin' along together. So I decide to go to Mexico an' see this Paulette, but before I go I have Henrietta down at the Police Station an' I grill her so that Fernandez an' Periera will think that I am fallin' for their stuff an' that I am goin' to New York to seal up the evidence against her.

"Instead of which I scram down to Mexico an' when I get there Paulette starts makin' mistakes as well. She rings through to her pal Luis Daredo to bump me off when I am goin' down to Zoni to see her supposed husband Rudy who is dyin' there. She thinks that it will be a wise thing to get me outa the way.

"Anyhow the job don't come off. I was lucky enough to get outa that, but I am still not suspectin' the truth. When I was on my way to see Rudy Benito at Zoni I hadn't got one idea about this business that you couJda called an idea.

"An' I got the truth just because crooks are always careless an' because they always make one big mistake.

"When I get to Madrales' place at Zoni, an' I go upstairs an' see this poor dyin' mug, I feel sorry for him, I don't suspect a thing, an' he tells me a good story that matches up with what Paulette has told me. You bet he does because she has been on the telephone an' wised him up about me.

"But just when I am walkin' outa the sick room I see somethin' durn funny. Stuck behind a screen is a waste-paper basket an' at the bottom of this waste-paper basket is a big cigarette ash tray, an' in the bottom of the basket where they have fallen out are about sixty cigarette stubs.

"I get it. Somebody has cleaned up the cigarette ends an' made out to hide 'em before I was allowed up to see Rudy. They have done this because they know that I will be wise to the fact that a guy dyin' of consumption can't smoke about sixty cigarettes in one day.

"At last I was wise. Now I got it why Paulette tried to stop me goin' to Zoni. I get the big idea. I go downstairs an' tell Madrales that I have gotta have a statement from Benito. I type it out an' make him sign it, an' then I go back to Paulette's place an' I compare the signature on the statement with one of the real Rudy Benito's signatures on a duplicate stock transfer of about a year before.

"The signature was different an' that told me all I wanted to know.

"Tonight just before I come down here I went inta Henrietta's room at her rancho. I found an old letter from Granworth Aymes an' I compared the handwritin'. The signature on the statement signed by Rudy Benito an' the Granworth Aynies handwritin' are one an' the same. The guy I saw at Zoni - the guy supposed to be dyin', who was laughin' his head off all the time thinkin' what a mutt I was, wasn't Rudy Benito - it was Granworth Aymes!"

I look over at Paulette. She is lyin' back starin' at the ceilin'. She don't look so good to me. She looks like she is due for a fit.

I pick up one of the wires that Metts handed to me.

"Just so's it'll help you when you see your lawyer in the mornin', Paulette," I tell her, "you might like to hear about this wire. It is from New York this mornin'. Followin' an instruction that I sent through from Yuma while you was gettin' your hair done, Langdon Burdell an' Marie Dubuinet was arrested early this mornin'. They grilled Burdell an' he squealed the whole works. They gotta full confession from him, an' he has said enough about you to fix you plenty."

Paulette pulls herself together. She sits up an' she flashes a little smile across at me.

"You win," she croaks. "I was the mug - I thought you was just another copper. How could I know you had brains?"

I look over at Henrietta. She is sittin' lookin' scared. Her lips are tremblin'.

"Lemmy," she says. "Then Granworth isn't dead. He's alive - in Mexico. I...

"Justa minute, honey," I tell her. "I'm afraid I gotta bit of a shock for you."

I pick up the second wire an' I read it to 'em.

It is from the Mexican Police at Mexicali, an' it says:

Following request from Special Agent L. H. Caution of the US Federal Bureau of Investigation, confirmed by the Federal Consular Officer at Yuma yesterday, for the arrest of US Citizen Granworth Aymes, otherwise known as Rudy Benito, and the Spanish Citizen Doctor Eugenio Madrales, both of Zoni, Police Lieutenant Juan Marsiesta sent with a Rurales Patrol to eflect the arrest reports that both men were shot dead whilst resisting arrest.

Henrietta starts cryin'. She puts her head in her hands an' she sobs like her heart would break.

"Take it easy, lady," I tell her."I reckon that the way this job has finished is the best for everybody. Maloney, I reckon you'd better put Henrietta in your car an' take her along back home."

Henrietta gets up. I'm tellin' you that with her eyes fulla tears she looks a real honey. There is a sorta light in her eyes when she looks at me that is aces. I reckon that if I was a guy who was given to gettin' sentimental about anything I shoulda been sorta pleased with the way she was lookin'.

"I think you're swell, Lemmy," she says.

She goes out with Maloney.

I go over to Metts' desk an' I open the drawer an' I take out a pair of steel bracelets. Then I go over to Paulette an' I slip 'em on her. She don't like it very much.

"You better get used to the feel of 'em, Paulette," I tell her. "An' if you get away with twenty years I reckon you'll be lucky, an' that ain't even takin' inta consideration them shots you had at me."

She gets up outa the chair.

"I wish I'd got you," she says. "I reckon I woulda saved myself a lotta trouble if I had. Still that's the way life goes...

She takes a sudden step back an' then she takes a big swipe at my face with her wrists. I reckon if them handcuffs had hit me my face woulda been more like the Rock of Gibraltar than it is.

I do a quick side step. She misses me. I get hold of her an' I am just goin' to give her a good smackin' on the place intended for it, when I stop myself.

"No," I tell her. "I ain't goin' to smack you any, it would be like smackin' a tarantula. Paulette Benito," I go on, "I'm arrestin' you on a charge of bein' accessory to first-degree murder of your husband Rudy Benito. I'm arrestin' you on a charge of being accessory to the makin' an' issuin' of counterfeit bills, bonds, and stock certificates. I'm holdin' you here at Palm Springs pending extradition an' trial by a Federal Court.

"An' also," I go on, "speakin' personally I'd like to tellya that I'm durn glad that I ain't your husband. It would be like sleepin' with a rattlesnake."

She looks at me an' her eyes are glitterin'.

"I wish you were my husband," she says, "just for one week. If you were my husband, I'd give you rat poison!"

"Swell," I tell her, "an' if I was your husband I'd take it an' be glad. Take her away, boys. Lock her up, an' if she wants to she can start a civil war in the can."

The cops who are waitin' outside grab her an' take her off. Metts brings out a bottle of bourbon an' we have a stiff one each. I am feelin' like I could go to bed an' sleep for twenty-four years without even turnin' over.

Metts tells me that he has sent a wagon out to the Hacienda Altmira with a casket an' a coupla cops with spades to dig up what is left of Sagers an' fix him properly. I reckon that these boys will be waitin' for me to go out an' show 'em where Fernandez buried the kid, so I scram downstairs an' get in the car an' drive out to the Hacienda.

The dawn is breakin'. I reckon the desert country looks pretty swell at this time.

I reckon that I would like to stick around here at this place just doin' nothin' an' doin' it all the time, instead of rushin' about the country pullin' in cheap crooks an' counterfeiters an' jumpin' around duckin' shots from dames like Paulette.

I leave the car at the front of the Hacienda, an' walk around the back. Two State coppers with a police wagon an' shovels are hangin' around. They have got a casket in the wagon. I show 'em where Sagers is buried an' they start diggin'.

Then I remember somethin'. I light a cigarette an' go back to the car an' drive over towards Henrietta's little rancho. When I get there I see Maloney just gettin' inta his car.

"Say, am I the big mug, or am I?" I tell him. "With all this depression that's been flyin' around, I forgot the only bitta good news I got for Henrietta. An' anyway where was you goin'?"

"I'm scrammin'," he says. "You see, now that Henrietta's in the clear I reckon I don't haveta stick around any more. I sorta wanted to give her a hand that's all, an' I reckon I sorta used the situation inta rushin' her inta a marriage with me. But she ain't that way about it. She says she'd like to think of me as a brother - you know the stuff."

He grins.

"Anyhow," he says, "I got a girl in Florida. I reckon I'll go along an' say how are you to her."

"Atta boy," I tell him.

I watch his dust as he goes down the road. Then I walk up to the door an' I bang on it. After a bit Henrietta comes along. She has changed her kit an' she is wearin' a white crepe-dechine frock an' white shoes. That dame sure can look a honey.

"Say, Henrietta," I tell her. "I gotta bit of news for you an' I was a mug not to have thoughta it bcforc.

"Granworth was insured for two hundred thousand, wasn't he? Well the policy covered everything except suicide, an' he never committed suicide. He was shot resistin' arrest yesterday by Rurales.

"OK. Well the Company will pay. That means that you get plenty dough so I reckon you needn't worry your head about anything. I'll have a word with Metts on my way back so's if you want any dough quick the bank'll let you have some. I'll wire the New York Police to send the policy along, so's the bank can hold it against any dough you want"

She looks at me an' her eyes are sorta starry.

"That's fine, Lemmy," she says. "But won't you come in? There's one or two things I want to say to you. Besides there's breakfast coming."

I look at her.

"Listen, lady," I tell her. "Maybe you ain't heard about me. I am one tough guy. I am not the sorta guy you can trust around the place havin' breakfast with a swell dame like you. Especially if you are good at makin' waffles. I reckon that when I eat waffles I just get goin' an' they tell me that then I get to be the sorta guy that dames oughta be warned against."

She leans up against the door post.

"I was goin' to give you fried chicken," she says, "but after that I think I won't. I've got a better idea."

"Such as?" I ask her.

"Such as waffles," she says.

I look at her again an' I start thinkin' of my old mother. Ma Caution usta tell me when I was a kid that I always put food before everything.

An' for once Ma Caution was wrong.