Dames Don’t Care

CHAPTER 5

I AM back in New York.

Maybe you think that I am a mug for takin' so much trouble but the way I look at it is this:

It woulda been easy for me to pinch Henrietta on suspicion an' bring her back here. I coulda got the New York police to re-open the Aymes inquest an' the production of the letters she wrote Granwortli woulda maybe justified it. But what good's it gonna do if she really an' truly don't know anything about the counterfeitin', an' even if she did kill Aymes still you gotta realise that I am a Federal dick investigatin' a counterfeitin' job an' not a guy rushin' around tryin' to teach New York coppers their business.

Besides which I have gotta bunch of ideas stewin' around in my head. I have gotta hunch an' I'm goin' to play it, an' that hunch certainly takes in this Langdon Burdell who, if you ask me, is tryin' to play me for a mug. You'll see why pretty soon.

I check in at the airport, fix myself up in my usual dump, have a shower an' change, an' after just one little bourbon just to keep the germs away, I jump me a yellow cab an' scram downtown to the Burdell office.

Burdell is runnin' Granworth's old business, an' is in the same office building.

I go up in the elevator an' walk in. In the outer office there is a fancy dame smackin' a typewriter about. She has got four inch french heels an' a pompadour that woulda made Marie Antoinette look like a big cheese.

She is wearin' long jade earrings an' an expression like somebody was burnin' cork under her nose all the time, an' when she gets up from the typewriter as I go in, she has gotta wriggle when she walks that woulda won her a beauty contest anywhere where the judges' wives weren't around.

She uses a beauty parlour plenty by the look of her pan, an' she has gotta mouth made up with a lipstick that is about four shades too light.

It is a durn funny thing but I have only found about one jane in sixty-four ever uses the right shade of lipstick An' whenever I strike this odd one she is always goin' some place or is married or somethin' else that don't help me along any.

I tell her I wanta see Mr Burdell an' she says he's in but I'll have to wait because he is in conference. I crack back that any time I have to wait to see Mr Burdell I will commit hankari with a tin-opener an' I walk straight into his room which is at the back of the office behind a fancy oak door.

Burdell is sittin' behind a big desk helpin' himself to a shot of rye out of a swell flask.

He looks up an' smiles.

"Pleased to see you, Mr Caution," he says. "Come right in, I ain't busy."

I stick my hat on a big bronze figure of a boxer that he is usin' as a paper weight, an' I sit down in the big chair opposite him an' help myself to a cigarette out of a swell silver box.

"Listen, Burdell," I tell him. "I wanna talk to you, an' I want you to listen an' not make any slip-ups, otherwise I'm goin' to get very tough with you."

He looks surprised. This Burdell guy is a bird about five feet four with sandy hair an' a thin face like a weasel with indigestion. He has got red eyes an' a pointed chin. He is one of them guys who might be good or bad or just nothin' at all. You just wouldn't know a thing by lookin' at him.

"Listen here," he says. "You don't have to talk like that, Mr Caution. I've always told you anything you wanted to know, ain't I?"

"Sure you have," I tell him, "but I wanta know some more that's all. Now stay quiet an' listen to this.

"Two weeks ago when I get put on this counterfeitin' job I come around here an' I ask you a lotta questions. Well, the main thing is that you say that you and the servants at the Aymes apartments have given evidence at the inquest that Henrietta Aymes wasn't in town the night that Granworth bumps himself off.

"OK. Well next morning I get around an' I talk to this watchman down at Cotton's Wharf - the guy who saw the car go over the edge, an' I grill this guy plenty. Finally he comes across that the mornin' after Aymes killed himself you got down there an' he told you that he saw some woman get outa that car way down the wharf. He says that you gave him a thousand dollars to keep his trap shut about that little fact, an' that he kept it shut.

"OK. Three days afterwards I get an anonymous note sayin' that I oughta go to Palm Springs an' check up on some letters that Henrietta has got. Right, well I checked up an' I have found them letters.

"Now I am very interested in who the guy was who sent me that anonymous note, an' I have come to the conclusion that the guy is you. You sent it to me, Burdell, an' you're goin' to tell me why, because you are a very contradictory sorta cuss. First of all you graft this watchman to keep quiet about the dame; then at the inquest you an' the servants say Henrietta Aymes wasn't in town on that night, an' a few months afterwards, after I have seen you an' heard one thing from you, you send me an anonymous letter that gets me out to Palm Springs where I find some letters that might hang a murder rap on Henrietta. So what? I'm listenin' an' I wanta hear plenty. Did you write that letter?"

He looks serious.

"Yeah," he says. "I wrote it, an' I'm goin' to tell you why, an' maybe when you've heard you'll understand why I played it like I did.

"You gotta get the set up," he says. "In the first place I knew Mrs Aymes was comm' to town to see Granworth because I saw the letters she wrote. I knew she come to town on the night he died, but I kept my trap shut about it at the inquest, an' I told the servants at the flat to keep quiet too, an' I'll tell you why.

"Granworth Aymes was a lousy dog. We none of us liked him, but we liked her plenty. We knew he usta play around with a lotta janes an' that he gave her a raw deal. But when he made that dough an' told us that he was goin' to give two hundred grand in Registered Dollar Bonds to her I thought that maybe he was goin' to start over an' be a good guy. I believe this because he acts that way, an' because he takes out extra insurance an' says he's goin' to be a regular feller.

"On the night he died he went outa this office an' I knew that later he was goin' to meet up with Mrs Aymes an' talk to her about this dame that she was so burned up about. The next thing I hear is when the police ring up the next mornin' an' say that they have fished Granworth outa the river an' want identification. I go down an' do it.

"I also knew that Mrs Aymes had gone back to Connecticut late the night before, because Granworth told me she was goin' back after she'd seen him.

"Now I worked it out this way. I worked out that she'd seen him an' told him plenty; that she'd told him he was a lousy double-crossin' dog an' that she was goin' to leave him an' after that she'd started back for Connecticut. Well, I know Granworth. He was an excitable sorta guy an' he probably was a bit upset, so I reckon he has some liquor an' maybe makes up his mind that he will bump himself off. Knowin' him I reckon that he woulda been drinkin' with some jane somewhere an' that she was the woman that the watchman saw.

"But I think that if I say that he saw Mrs Aymes that night that the police will think that the dame with Granworth was her; that they will bring her back here an' start givin' her the works an' makin' things tough for her So I get around to the apartment, an' I have a talk with the servants, an' we fix to keep quiet about her bien' in town that night I take a thousand that Granworth had in the drawer of this desk an' I graft the watchman to keep his trap shut. I thought then that Granworth had bumped himself off an' I didn't see why she should be brought into it. He'd caused her enough trouble anyway.

"All right. Everything works out swell an' the inquest finishes an' that's that. But a few months afterwards you come along an' you say that Mrs Aymes has tried to pass a phoney bond down at the bank at Palm Springs. You ask me a lotta questions before I have time to think this thing out, so I give you the same story as I handed out to the coroner at the inquest. But after you went I got down an' I did a little thinkin'. I knew durn well that the bonds that Granworth's lawyer handed over to Henrietta Aymes was the real stuff. They was got outa Granworth's safe deposit where they had been kept. I started thinkin' that if she had tried to pass a phoney bond then she musta got it from somewhere an' knew it was phoney.

"Another thing. I looked in the drawer of this desk where Granworth had put those three letters. They was gone, an' I remembered that when she came down from Connecticut after the inquest I found her at this desk one day. I begin to get a screwy idea in my head. I get the idea that maybe I have been a mug, that maybe she did bump Granworth after all; that she was the woman the nightwatchman saw, an' that's why she wanted the letters.

"Well, I may have sympathised with her in the first place, but I don't hold with murder an' I began to get a bit uncomfortable. Especially with you muscim' around because you have got a hot reputation, Mr Caution, an' I start wonderin' what is goin' to happen to me if you find out the truth. I was right here because the first thing you do is to go an' grill the truth outa the watchman, although I didn't know that at the time.

"So I sit down at the typewriter an' I send you that letter, without any signature, because I work it out that way. If you get down to Palm Springs an' get them letters, well you can do what you like about it. If you think she bumped Granworth you can set out to pin it on her, or you can leave it alone, just as you think. I thought that you might not worry about who wrote the letter providin' you got the information, an' I also thought that if you did pin that letter on me I would come across with the whole works. Well, there it is. That's how it was, an' I'm sorry if I've caused you any trouble by bein' a mug an' not tellin' the truth first go off."

I get up an' I hold out my hand.

"Fine, Burdell," I tell him. "I reckon you're a wise guy to come clean. I'm beginning to think that this Henrietta bumped Granworth all right, an' if she did, well she'll have to fry for it.

He shakes hands with me an' I scram.

I say so- long to the dame with the french heels outside, an' I take the elevator down. I ease along pretty quick to the caretaker's office on 'the entrance floor an' flash my badge an' grab the telephone. I get chief operator at the telephone exchange.

I tell the chief operator who I am an' I also tell him that I have just left Burdell's office an' that I have got an idea that Burdell will be puttin' a long-distance call through to somebody at Palm Springs pretty quick. I say that they are to listen in to that call an' take a note of it an' who the guy is at the other end who takes it. I say that they are to keep this shorthand note for me to call for an' that they can check up on my authority in the meantime.

The chief operator says OK.

I then go back to my hotel an' give myself a swell cigar. First of all it is quite plain to me that this second story of Burdell's is not so hot either. I'll tell you why.

Supposin' he did know that Henrietta had taken the letters outa the desk drawer because they proved she'd seen Granworth on the night he died. Well, wouldn't it have been sensible for Burdell to think that she took 'em to destroy 'em, not to carry 'em about with her? How did be know they was at Palm Springs? There's only one way he coulda been certain of that an' that was if somebody dovin at Palm Springs had told him that she still had 'em an' had 'em in the rancho where she was stayin'.

So I reckon that after I have got out of his office he is goin' to telephone through to this guy an' say that I have blown in an' tell him that I have fallen for this story an' that everything is OK, an' that the job has been played the way this Burdell bird wants it played.

An' this brings me to another little thing. What about that picture of me cut out of the Chicago Times an' sent down to somebody at the Hacienda Altmira at Palm Springs? Don't it look like Burdell sent that too? An' the reason he sends it is easy. When he has sent me the anonymous letter he knows I will scram out to Palm Springs so he gets 'em good an' ready for me. He searches around until he finds a newspaper that has gotta picture of me in it an' he cuts it out, writes 'this is the guy' on it, an' sends it down to the Hacienda.

An' this Burdell bird is goin' to slip up plenty in a minute. Mind you, the guy has got brains - plenty brains. He knows that I can figure out that it was him that wrote the anonymous letter to me, an' St he has a swell story all ready for me when I blow in; but what he don't know is that I am wise to that picture business, an' that is just where he is goin' to slip up.

I reckon that you will agree that this bezusus is gettin' good an' interestin'. It is beginnin' to get me interested-almost!

I stick around till it is six o'clock, an' then I get another idea. I think that I will ring through to the New York 'G' Office an' ask 'em if they have despatched them pictures of the Aymes' servants, the butler, the chauffeur an' the maid, that they was goin' to send to me at Palm Springs. I am lucky. They tell me that they have sent off one lot but they have got a duplicate set an' they fix to send these around to me at the hotel. I also ask 'em to send somebody around to the main exchange office an' see if they have gotta transcript of the shorthand notes of any telephone conversation that Burdell has had since I went outa the office, an' they say they will do this.

After which I give myself another shower to pass the time an' change into a tuxedo just so's I can feel civilised for one night anyhow.

At seven o'clock things begin to happen. An agent comes round from the 'G' Office with a note of a conversation that Burdell has had with Palm Springs. He leaves this an' he leaves the packet of duplicate pictures an' after he has had a little rye with me he goes. I read the note of the Burdell conversation, and do I get one big kick outa it. Here it is:

New York Central Exchange Time: 5.24 pm

Report of long-distance telephone conversation from office of Langdon Burdell Central 174325 and Hacienda Altmira, Palm Springs, Calif.

Call from Burdell Office 5.24

Burdell Office: - Hello. Long-distance call please. This is Central 174325, office of Langdon Burdell, calling Palm Springs 674356.

Operator: - You are Central 174325 Langdon Burdell calling Palm Springs, California. Palm Springs 674356. Hang up please I will call you.

Time: 5.32

Operator: - Hello, Central 174325. Here is your Palm Springs number. Take your call please.

Burdell Office: - Hello, hello, Hacienda Altmira?

Hacienda: - Yes, who are you? What do you want?

Burdell Office: -This is Langdon Burdell. Is Ferdie there?

Hacienda: - Sure. I'll get him. How you makin' out, Lang-don? Hang on, I'll get Ferdie.

Hacienda: - Hello, Langdon?

Burdell Office: - Is this you, Ferdie?

Hacienda: - You betcha. What do you know?

Burdell Office: - Listen kid. Get an earful of this an' don't make any mistakes. Are you listenin'? OK. Well, this afternoon this goddam Caution comes bustin' around here askin' plenty questions. He has fell for this business an' he is on to me for writin' the anonymous letter to him an' startin' him off after the letters at Palm Springs. I tell him the works. I tell him how I tried to cover up for the Aymes dame until this counterfeitin' business starts an' then I get a screwy idea that after all she has probably bumped Granworth an' that I do not want to be a party to a murder rap so I am cashin' in with the truth. The big mug listens with his ears flappin' an' then shakes me by the hand an' scrams. I have also wised him up to the fact that the original bonds that was given to Henrietta was OK an' that she musta got the phoney ones herself. Now listen, Ferdie, I reckon that he is comm' back to Palm Springs plenty quick an' that he is lyin' to pinch Henrietta just as soon as he can get his hooks on her. Because if he can pin the murder thing on her an' she gets the chair, the Feds are goin' to take it for granted that she pulled the counterfeitin' too because that will be the easiest way to close the case down. You got all that?

Hacienda: - Swell, Lan gdon. Okie doke. An' 1 play it the way we said.

Burdell Office:-You bet your life. What you gotta do is to get hitched up to the dame. You gotta make her marry you. You can do it easy. When that big mug Caution conies back an' starts gumshoein' around she's goin' to get good an' scared. Then pull your stuff. You tell her that the only way she can beat this murder rap is if we say that our original evidence was right - that she wasn't in New York the night Granworth did the high divin' act. After that everything's easy. You got all that, Ferdie?

Hacidenda: - You said it. I got it OK.

Burdell Office: - Give Periera a lovin' kick in the pants for me an' tell him I'll be seem' him directly this job's finished an' we get where we wanta. So long, Ferdie. Keep your nose clean baby an' no gun play if you can keep oft it.

Hacienda: - 'Bye, Langdon. An' don't you get your nose dirty either. I'll be seem' you.

Call ends.

Operator: - G. O. Tarnet.

Shorthand notes by V. L. O'Leary.

Is this sweet readin' or is it? It looks like I am dead right in my ideas about this Burdell guy, an' I reckon that before I am through with him I am goin' to hand him something for callin' me that big mug Caution. It is an extraordinary thing how all these guys who are up to funny business always think that any kinda policeman is a mug. It's a sorta rule with them, but now an' again they find out that the drinks are on them.

But believe me I ain't said nothin' yet. When I have read through the notes I undo the package of pictures. There are three of 'em - Dubuinet the maid, Palantza the butler an' Termiglo the chauffeur, an' when I look at this last mug do I get a kick? Because Termiglo the chauffeur is nobody else but Fernandez, the big guy at the Hacienda AItnura, the guy I smacked down, an' threw down the stairs! Boy, is this beginnin' to look good or is it?

So Fernandez was the chauffeur in the Aymes family under the name of Juan Teriniglo, an' now he is Fernandez the big gambler out at the Hacienda. Now I am beginning to understand about the picture of me that was sent down there. Burdell sent it all right an' he sent it to Fernandez so's he would know who I was, an' it was Fernandez who let Burdell know where Henrietta's three letters was.

But wait just one little minute! Let's get this straight. How did Fernandez know where Henrietta had got them letters hidden?

I reckon that he knew where they was hidden because he was the guy who planted them there. Didn't I tell you that I found them letters a durn sight too easy? The way they was stuck in that cut out book of poetry looked to me as if they was just shriekin' to be found by anybody who had enough sense to look in the right sorta places.

An' if I am right about this-an' I believe I am - then Burdell is a double liar. All that stuff he told me about Henrietta findin' them letters in Granworth's desk an' takin' 'em away is just a lotta punk.

OK. So we found something out ain't we? Something that is beginnin' to look good. I have already got a bunch of ideas stewin' around in my head about this new set-up.

I grab a piece of paper an' a pencil an' I write it down just to sorta analyse it in my mind. Here it is:

Point 1: -Burdell gets the servants to say at the inquest that Henrietta is outa town on the night of Aymes' death. He gives the Cotton's Wharf watchman one thousand bucks to keep his mouth shut about the woman in the car.

Point 2:- When the counterfeit dollar bond is passed by Henrietta and Caution is brought on in the job, Burdell tells him the same story as he told at the inquest. Right then he gets the three letters which he has found in Granworth's desk an' sends them to Fernandez who is out at the Hacienda and tells him to plant them somewhere where they will be found easy in Henrietta's room at the rancho. He then writes an anonymous letter to Caution an' tells him to get out to Palm Springs an' grab the letters which will tell him a lot.

Point 3 - Caution goes to Palm Springs, finds the letters, and also the picture and begins to think there is something screwy going on. He comes back to New York and sees Burdell. Burdell tells Caution a swell story which explains his change of front. Caution makes out that he is falling for this an' checks up on the next 'phone conversation.

So what do we know? We know one thing certain an' that is that the Burdell-Fernandez set-up are tryin' to pin a first-degree murder rap on Henrietta.

OK. Well if this is so perhaps you can tell me something? If these two guys are tryin' to frame Henrietta for the murder of Granworth Aymes, then why in the name of everything that is sizzlin' is Burdell so keen that Henrietta should get herself married to Fernandez?

Ain't that a sweet question? Because that is the thing that is stickin' in my mind an' I have gotta find the answer somehow, otherwise this case is goin' to get me nuts in a minute.

But there's one thing you can rely on. The explanation is always durn simple. They always are when you finally find 'em out, but at the time they look tough.

Like once when I was in Oklahoma a dame who I was very stuck on hit me right on the top of the head with a tent mallet.

When I Come to an' I asked her how come she said she was gettin' so durn fond of me that she knew that unless she done something about it she would break up her home an' family because she was so fond of my ugly mug. She said that she had thought it all out an' the best way out was for her to sock me one with a tent mallet because it would create a situation that would clean things up.

She was right. After she had one sock I left Oklahoma.

The point is that I am goin' to use the same technique - as the professors call it. I am goin' back to Palm Springs an' I am goin' around with a tent mallet bustin' guys wide open until somebody stops two timin' me an' comes across with a spot of real honest-to-god truth.

An' here we go!