Family Jewels

14

Stone was back at his desk when Dino called. “I hear you were caught in bed with a dead woman in the Hamptons.”

“You have big ears, but faulty hearing. I reported a dead woman, and she was in no condition to go to bed with. Who have you been talking to?”

“Their chief out there, Don Ferris. Known him for years.”

“Did he tell you what his latest theory is? He has lots of them.”

“His latest theory is you.”

“Well, his sergeant just left here, after being straightened out on that point. I’m no longer a suspect, if I ever was.”

“What’s your theory?”

“A guy named Harvey Biggers—”

“That’s a name? Sounds like somebody out of Country Gentleman magazine, circa 1950.”

“It does, doesn’t it? You want to hear this, or you want to talk?”

“Go.”

“Harvey Biggers meets her at the bar at Bobby Van’s and invites her to Jim Carlton’s New Year’s Eve party. They get drunk and hit the sack. The girl takes a few Ambien. Biggers decamps at dawn, says he can’t wake her. Carlton goes to London for three months, and I discover the body, which is three months old.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Do you remember what that smells like?”

“All too well.”

“We were having a very nice lobster salad at lunch next door when the wind shifted and ruined our appetites. I took a look around and called nine-one-one. The rest is everybody just certifying the obvious.”

“You want to have dinner tonight? Seven-thirty at Patroon?”

“Sure. Can I bring my new roommate, Bob? It would hurt his feelings if I didn’t ask him.”

“You have a new roommate, and she’s named Bob?”

“He.”

Dino was uncharacteristically silent.

“See you at seven-thirty. Bob is looking forward to meeting you.” Stone hung up, laughing.

—

Stone and Bob arrived at Patroon on time and were greeted by the owner, Ken Aretzky. Bob offered him a paw.

“You are pet-friendly, aren’t you, Ken?” Stone asked.

“I don’t know,” Ken said, shaking the paw, “it never came up.” Ken showed him to a booth, and seated Bob under the table. Stone ordered a drink.

“Anything for Bob?”

“He’s on the wagon — he made a fool of himself last time.”

Stone’s drink arrived, followed shortly by Dino and his wife, Vivian. “Okay, where’s this Bob?”

“Under the table — he never could hold his liquor.”

Dino jumped. “He still can’t, he just licked my hand.”

Viv peeked under the tablecloth. “Hello, Bob,” she said. “He licked my hand, too.”

“It’s the friendly thing to do.”

“How did you and Bob come to meet?” Dino asked.

“We met in the Hamptons last weekend, and he hitched a ride to the city with me.”

“You were never the dog type.”

“That’s because I was denied that pleasure as a child. My mother was allergic, or at least said she was.”

“That’s a good excuse for not letting you have a dog,” Viv said.

“That’s what I suspected. Anyway, my custody is only temporary. Bob is going back to his mom in a couple of weeks.”

“Awwww,” Viv said. “And he’s so nice.”

A waiter appeared with a T-bone on a silver platter, and Bob accepted it with alacrity.

“I’ll bet that’s the first time anybody has ever been served a bone in this joint,” Dino said.

“No doubt.” Dino’s and Viv’s drinks arrived.

“Dino tells me you were caught with a dead woman last weekend,” Viv said.

“I’ll bet he did,” Stone replied. “He’s having a good time with that one.”

“Tell me the whole story.”

Stone gave her a rapid-fire account.

“You lead such an interesting life,” Viv said.

“I do, don’t I?”

“Glad you’re not married to him?” Dino asked.

“Fairly glad. You lead an interesting life, too.”

“I ran a check on this Harvey Biggers,” Dino said.

“And?”

“He got busted on a domestic disturbance last year.”

“With Carrie Fiske?”

“That was the name.”

“Is it policy to always arrest the husband in these things?”

“Not exactly, but if the wife makes the call, it often works out that way.”

“Did either of them have any marks or bruises?”

“I didn’t read that far.”

“Anything else on the Biggers sheet?”

“Yeah, the year before last he called nine-one-one from a motel in West Palm Beach — a woman in his bed, unresponsive.”