Ice

THIRTEEN

They had built their headquarters far away from the battlefields, a large clean new building, flying a large clean flag. Stone and concrete, it stood out solid, massive, expensive, indestructible looking, among the low, old, ricketty wooden houses. Apart from the sentries at the main entrance, it seemed to have nothing to do with war. No other guards were visible. Inside there appeared to be no security precautions at all. I recalled the commander’s drunken remark: perhaps these people really were too soft to fight; relying on their technological supremacy, on the gigantic size and wealth of their country, believed they need not dirty their hands with the actual fighting, paid their inferiors to do that.

I was directed to the warden’s suite. The place was air-conditioned. Elevators rose smoothly, silently, swiftly. Thick carpets stretched from wall to wall of the wide corridors. After the squalid discomfort in which I had been living, it was like a luxury hotel. Lights blazed everywhere in spite of the sunshine outside. Windows were hermetically sealed, not made to open. The resulting atmosphere was slightly unreal.

A woman secretary in uniform told me the warden could see no one. He was leaving immediately on a tour of inspection and would be away some days. I said: ‘I must see him before he goes. It’s urgent. I’ve come all this way specially.

I won’t keep him a minute.’ She pursed her lips, shook her head. ‘Absolutely impossible. He has important papers to sign and gave orders that nobody was to disturb him.’ Her well made-up face was adamant, uncomprehending. It annoyed me. ‘To hell with that! I tell you I must see him! It’s a personal matter. Can’t you understand?’ I wanted to shake her to get some human expression into her face. Instead, I made my voice calm. ‘At least tell him I’m here and ask whether he’ll see me.’ I felt in my pockets for some means of identification, then wrote my name on a pad. While I was doing so a colonel came in. The secretary went over and whispered to him. At the end of their confabulation the man said he would give the message himself, took the paper with my name on it and left the room by the same door through which he had just entered. I knew he had no intention of telling the warden about me. Only decisive action on my part would get me a interview. Soon it would be too late.

‘Where does that door lead?’ I asked the secretary, pointing to one at the other end of the room. ‘Oh, that’s strictly private. You can’t go in there. It’s forbidden.’ For the first time she began to lose her superior calm and to look flustered. She had not been trained to deal with a direct approach. I said: ‘Well I’m going in,’ moved towards the door. ‘No!’ She flew to stand in front of it, barring my way. The country she belonged to was so firmly convinced of world power that its nationals could not conceive of real opposition from anyone, even over the smallest issue. I smiled, pushed her aside. She clung on to my clothes, holding me back. There was a brief scuffle. I heard a voice I recognized beyond the closed door. ‘What’s going on there?’ I went in. ‘Oh, it’s you, is it?’ He seemed singular! unsurprised. In the doorway the secretary was talking fast and apologetically. He waved her away. The door shut. I said: ‘I must speak to you.’

We were alone in the rich room. Persian rugs on the parquet floor, period furniture, on the wall a full length portrait of him by a well-known painter. My worn, shabby, unpressed uniform emphasized, by contrast, the elegant grandeur of his, which had gold emblems on cuffs and shoulders, and, on the chest, the ribbons of various orders. He stood up; I had not remembered him as being so tall. The touch of the grand manner he had always had was more marked than when I last saw him. I was not at ease. His presence affected me in the usual way; but, with such obvious differences between us, the idea of contact, however obscure, seemed inappropriate and embarrassing. When he said coldly, ‘It’s no use forcing your way in here. I’m just leaving,’ I felt confused, and could only repeat: ‘I must speak to you first.’ ‘Impossible. I’m late as it is.’ He glanced at his watch, started towards the door. ‘Surely you can wait just a moment!’ In my anxiety, I hurriedly stepped in front of him. I should have known better. His eyes flashed; he was angry; I had thrown away my one chance. I cursed myself for a fool. Perhaps my downcast expression amused him: at all events, his attitude suddenly seemed to change, he half smiled. ‘I can’t hold up the entire war just to talk to you. If there’s something you must say, you’ll have to come with me.’ I was delighted. This was better than anything I had expected. ‘May I? That’s wonderful!’ I thanked him enthusiastically. He burst out laughing.

The road to the airfield was lined with people waiting to catch a glimpse of him as we drove past. They stood six deep at the roadside, watched from gardens, windows, balconies, roofs, trees, hoardings, telegraph poles. Some of them must have waited a long time. I was impressed by the force of his immediate impact on the crowd.

Sitting beside him in the plane, I was conscious of curious glances from its other occupants. It was strange to look down and see the earth, not flat or gently curved, but as a segment of a round ball, the sea light blue, the land yellowish-green. Overhead it was dark blue night. Drinks were brought, I was handed a tinkling glass. ‘Ice! What luxury!’ He glanced my dilapidated uniform, made a grimace. ‘You can’t expect luxury if you insist on being a hero.’ The words were mocking, but the smile had some degree of charm. He might even have been taking a friendly interest. ‘May I ask why you have suddenly become one of our heroic fighters?’ I knew I should have spoken about a job. Instead, for some reason, told him I’d had to do something drastic to cure my depression. ‘Funny sort of cure. More likely to kill you.’ ‘Perhaps that’s what I wanted.’ ‘No, you’re not the suicide type. Anyway, why bother, when we’re all going to be killed next week.’ ‘As soon as that?’ ‘Well, perhaps not literally. But certainly very soon.’ I recognized the trick of blinking his eyes, making the bright blue pupils flash as if they reflected a dazzling blue light. It was the sign that something had not been said. Of course, he had secret information. He always knew everything before anyone else.

An enormous dinner was served. It seemed altogether too lavish, I could not eat half of it. I had got out of the way of eating big meals. Afterwards I tried again to say what I had come to say, but the sentences would not take shape in my head. I found myself thinking of him, and remarked on how little surprise he had shown over my arrival. ‘I was almost expecting you.’ His expression was rather odd. ‘You have a way of turning up just before things happen.’ He seemed to speak quite seriously. ‘You really expect the catastrophe within weeks or days?’ ‘Looks like it.’

Blinds were drawn, shutting out the sky. A film was to be shown. He muttered in my ear: ‘Wait till their attention’s fixed on the screen. Then I’ll show you something more interesting. It’s supposed to be kept secret.’ I waited, curious. We left our seats quietly, went through a door, faced an uncovered window. I was confused about time. It had been night overhead all along, but below it was still daylight. There were no clouds. I saw islands scattered over the sea, a normal aerial view. Then something extraordinary, out of this world: a wall of rainbow ice jutting up from the sea, cutting right across, pushing a ridge of water ahead of it as it moved, as if the flat pale surface of sea was a carpet being rolled up. It was a sinister, fascinating sight, which did not seem intended for human eyes. I stared down at it, seeing other things at the same time. The ice world spreading over our world. Mountainous walls of ice surrounding the girl. Her moonwhite skin, her hair sparkling with diamond prisms under the moon. The moon’s dead eye watching the death of our world.

When we left the plane we were in a remote country, a town I did not know. The warden had come to attend an important conference, people were waiting for him, all sorts of urgent affairs. I was flattered because he seemed in no hurry to leave me. He said: ‘You should have a look round, it’s an interesting place.’ The town had only lately changed hands, and I asked if the troops had not done a lot of damage; received the reply: ‘Don’t forget some of us are civilized people.’

In his splendid uniform he strolled beside me in beautifully- kept gardens, attended by armed guards in black and gold. I was proud to be with him. He was a fine-looking man who kept himself in every way at the height of his powers, all his muscles exercised like an athlete’s, his intellect and his senses deliberately sharpened. He radiated tremendous dominance, besides an intense physical vitality, zest for living. His aura of power and success seemed to fill the surrounding air, and even extend to me. Walking past artificial cascades, we came to a lily pool where the stream widened. Giant willowtrees trailed long green hair in the water, made an inviting grotto of cool green shade. We sat on a stone seat, watched a kingfisher tracing jewelled parabolas. Motionless grey shadows, herons stood here and there in the shallows. It was a private, peaceful idyllic scene; violence was worlds away. I thought, but did not say, that it seemed a pity people were not allowed to enjoy all this tranquil beauty. As if he read my mind, he told me: ‘The public used to be admitted on certain days. But we had to suspend the practice on account of vandalism. Hooligans did the damage the armies refrained from doing. There are people you can’t teach to appreciate beauty. They’re subhuman.’

On the far side of the river a troop of small gazelle-like creatures had come to drink, lifting and lowering graceful horned heads. The guards stood at a distance. Alone with my companion, I felt closer to him than ever before; we were like brothers, like identical twin brothers. Drawn to him more strongly than I had ever been, I had to give my feelings some expression, told him how much I appreciated his kindness how greatly I was honoured to be his friend. Something was wrong. He did not smile or acknowledge the compliment, but abruptly stood up. I got up too, while across the water the animals fled, alarmed by our movements. The atmosphere was changing round me; suddenly there was a chill, as if the warm air had passed over ice. I felt a sudden uncomprehended terror, like the sensation that comes in nightmares just before one begins to fall.

In a moment he had turned on me, his eyes flashing blue danger, his face a grim mask. ‘Where is she?’ His voice was fierce, curt, icy. It was as if he had whipped out a gun and pointed it at me. I was horrified; confused by the sudden switch from one emotion to another totally different, I could only stammer stupidly: ‘I suppose where I left her….’ He gave me a look of ice. ‘You mean you don’t know?’ His accusatory tone froze. I was too appalled to reply.

The guards came closer, formed a circle round us. To shade their eyes, prevent recognition, or inspire dread, they wore as part of their uniform black plastic visors which covered the upper part of the face so that they looked masked. I vaguely remembered hearing about their toughness, that they were convicted thugs and murderers, whose sentences had been remitted in exchange for their absolute loyalty to his person.

‘So you’ve abandoned her.’ Arrows of blue ice piercing a blizzard, his eyes narrowed and struck. ‘I hardly expected that, even of you.’ The abysmal contempt in his voice made me wince and mutter: ‘You know she’s always been hostile. She sent me away.’ ‘You don’t know how to handle her,’ he stated coldly. ‘I’d have licked her into shape. She only needs training. She has to be taught toughness, in life and in bed.’ I could not speak, could not collect myself: I was in a state of shock. When he asked, ‘What do you propose to do about her?’ I found nothing to say. His eyes were watching me all the time with a frigid scorn and remoteness that was too painful, too humiliating. Their blue blaze seemed to stop me thinking. ‘I shall take her back then.’ In half-a-dozen dry words he disposed of her future, she had no say in the matter.

At that moment I was more concerned with him, linked to aim so closely, as if we shared the same blood. I could not bear to be alienated from him. ‘Why are you so angry?’ I went a step closer, tried to touch his sleeve, but he moved out of my reach. ‘Is it only because of her?’ I could not believe this, the bond between him and myself seemed so strong. Just then she was nothing to me by comparison, not even real. We could have shared her between us. I may have said something of the kind. His face was carved in stone, his cold voice hard enough to cut steel, he was thousands of miles away. ‘As soon as I can make time I shall go and fetch her. And then keep her with me. You won’t see her again.’

There was no bond, never had been, except in my imagination. He was not my friend, had never been close to me, identification was nothing but an illusion. He was treating me as someone beneath contempt. In a feeble attempt to re-establish myself, I said I had tried to save her. His eyes went terribly hard and blue, I could hardly meet them. His face was a statue’s, stony, it did not change. I forced myself to go on looking him in the face. Only his mouth finally moved to say, ‘She will be saved, if that’s possible. But not by you.’ Then he turned and strolled off in his grand uniform with gold epaulettes. A few paces away he paused, lit a cigarette keeping his back towards me, strolled on again without giving me a glance. I saw him lift one hand and make a sign to the guards.

They closed in, inhuman in their black masks. Rubber truncheons crashed into me, I was kicked in the groin, in falling my head must have struck the stone seat, I passed out. This was lucky for me. Apparently it did not amuse them to beat an unconscious body. There was no sign of them when I came round. My head throbbed and rang, even to open my eyes was a fearful effort, every inch of my body ached, but nothing was broken. Pain confused me, made me uncertain of what had happened, of the length of time that had elapsed of the sequence of events. In my confusion I could not understand being let off so lightly, until it occurred to me that the guards meant to come back later to finish the job. If they found me here I was done for. I could hardly move, but with infinite labour, dragged myself down to the river, everything swaying round me, fell among rushes and lay for some time with my face in the mud.

When a far off sound roused me it was almost dark. In the distance a semicircle of dark shapes was slowly advancing, as if searching. I got a fright, I thought they were people looking for me and kept quite motionless. They must have been animals grazing, for when I next looked up they had gone. The shock made me realize that I had to get moving. I crawled on to the water’s edge, let the river run over the wound in my head, washed another deep gash on my cheekbone, washed off some of the blood and mud.

The cold water revived me. Somehow or other I managed to reach the park gates, even started walking along a street, but collapsed after a short distance. A carload of noisy young people coming back from a celebration saw me lying in the road and stopped to investigate. They thought I was one of their party who had fallen down drunk. I persuaded them to drive me to the hospital, where a doctor attended to me. I invented some story to account for my injuries and was given a bed in the casualty department. I slept for two or three hours. The clanging bell of an ambulance woke me. Stretcher- bearers came tramping in. To move was appallingly difficult, all I wanted was to lie still and go on sleeping. But I knew it was too dangerous, I dared not stay any longer.

While the night staff were occupied with the new arrival, I crept through a side door into a dark corridor and left the building.