If Angels Fall

TWENTY-TWO

Lois Jensen poured water into the cafeteria-sized coffee urn and clicked her tongue at Dr.Kate Martin fussing for the third time over the spread of fruit, cheeses, andcrackers.

“Don’t fret, Kate, Its going to be fine.”

“I need a written guarantee, Lois.” Martin bit herlip.

During the year her study group had been meeting, shehad always been in control. The pain exposed in this drafty old campus studyroom remained here, eventually evaporating like the tears that accompanied it.But that was going to change. She had relinquished command of what shecherished in order to save it.

She and Lois had arrived early to set up refreshments.Both were dressed more formally than usual-Lois in a peach, summer-knit sweaterset and white skirt, and Martin in a silk blouse, hound’s-tooth-check blazerand matching skirt.

“Lois, are we doing the right thing?”

“We’re doing the right thing. We’ve all been doingwell. Even Keller. Is he coming? Is he aware the Star is going to behere?”

“I couldn’t reach him. The number he gave me didn’twork. He’s never missed a session. I’ll alert him at the door.”

“Most of us supported this step, Kate. It’s necessary.At worst, you’ll reach others who need help and they are out there. Especiallynow with another child kidnapped.”

“But I fear the potential damage. Some of the groupdidn’t want to participate tonight. I’m getting cold feet.”

“We’ve all lost a child. Telling a reporter about itis not tantamount to the experience. If the university revokes your tenure, youcan always set up your own shop, underwritten by a tissue company. I’ll be yourfirst client.”

They were still laughing when Tom Reed arrived withanother man who had a camera around his neck and a bag over his shoulder.

“Right on time, Tom,” Martin greeted them.

“Dr. Martin, this is Henry Cane, a photographer withthe Star.”

Martin introduced Lois. They talked over coffee untilothers arrived, then Martin took Reed aside.

“Four have decided not to come. Three will be here,but won’t speak. Six will talk and allow their names and pictures to be used.”

“Including Angela Donner?”

“Yes.”

“Is that her?” Reed indicated a young woman, whosethighs stretched her brown slacks. Her white blouse had a large bow at theneck. Her stringy dishwater-blond hair was pinned up with two pink barrettesthat looked familiar to Reed. She was at the refreshment table.

“How’s she doing?”

“Good days and bad days. The Becker abduction is asetback. Coming up on Tanita’s anniversary. Opens a lot of wounds. Especiallywhen the press links the cases. She still lives with her father.”

Reed contemplated Angela Donner. If he could her storyin the paper, it would break the city’s heart. Tanita’s case still held compellingelements: grandfather dying of cancer, while her mother copes on welfare andher killer walks free.

“Poor Angela.” Martin blinked. “Tolstoy couldn’t havedreamed of a more tragic figure. Well, there’s Edward Keller…”

Oh…?”

“I couldn’t reach him. He doesn’t know about tonight.I don’t how he’ll react because-“ Martin Stopped. “Off the record?”

“Sure.”

“He’s an eccentric.”

“This is San Francisco.”

“He’s an eccentric’s eccentric.”

“I see.”

“Oh there he is. Excuse me.”

Reed looked across the room at Keller. Late forties,early fifties, about six feet, firm, lean build. His beard and thicksalt-and-pepper hair did not hide the lines etched in his face. Dressed infaded jeans, a navy pullover sportshirt, and a worn, gray sports jacket, Kellerhad an air of ardent independence, as if a dark fire raged inside. Reedrecalled that the suspect in Danny Becker’s kidnapping had light hair, a beard,and a slim build, according to the new composite drawings the cops were on thebrink of releasing. Reed stopped himself with a warning: you are not playingthat game again.

Listening to Martin, Keller was concerned and looked directlyat Reed. Keller nodded, then said a few words. Martin returned.

“Edward does not want to be identified for thearticle.”

“That’s fine.”

Keller took a seat, regarding Reed suspiciously.

Martin took a deep breath. “Time to get started.”

She introduced Reed and Cain, reminding the group oftheir presence, and offering anyone who’d had a last minute change of heart toback out. Reed and Cain requested that those consenting to be identified sittogether. Reed jotted down their names.

“Lois, you volunteered to go first.” Martin smiled.

Lois nodded, hesitated, then laughed. “I’m sorry.”

“Ease into it.” Martin nodded.

Lois collected her thoughts. Her face was placid,intelligent.

“It was a gorgeous day and I was making Allan’s lunchwhen he insisted on riding his bike to the park-you know how children can be.His friend Jerry had found a sparrow’s nest. I said, you’ve got ten minutes.Sure, Mom, he said. I’ll be right back. I’ll be right back. I knew he wouldkeep his word. So after, oh I guess about half an hour, I was getting a littlepeeved. That’s when Jerry came to my door. He was covered in dirt and lookedfrightened. And I thought, gee, he must’ve had a bad fall. I looked for Allan,but I didn’t see him. Then Jerry’s mouth started to move, but nothing came out.I realized that he was actually covered in blood.

“I looked for Allan. Didn’t see him. I demanded thatJerry tell me where he was. Poor Jerry couldn’t speak. He started to cry,pointed to the park. He got on his bike, rode to the park with me runningbehind him. We arrived. I saw some children standing over another child who waslying on the ground, twisted in his bike. As I ran, I knew that the bike lookedlike Allan’s, but I couldn’t see Allan among the children, so I thought that hemust have run to get help for this fallen child. I was starting to mentally togo through my first aid training, I still had a dish towel in my hand, when I lookeddown on the child, a boy. I knew he was dead, I-“

She wept. Reed made a note. Cain’s camera clicked.

“I’m okay.” She smiled. “When I saw that it was Allan,something happened.”

Reed noticed Keller nodding emphatically.

“My child, my only child was lying there on the grass,his eyes closed as if he were asleep. He looked so at peace. He had been shot,here.” Lois touched the right side of her head about an inch above her ear. “Hewas shot and his blood was everywhere, spreading on the ground under his headin a widening halo, a perfect halo. The most brilliant red I’ve ever seen. Iknelt beside him. The children were saying something to me, but their voiceswere distant. That’s when the miracle happened. Before my eyes, I saw Allan’sface change. I swear it changed there as he lay on the grass, to the tinywrinkled expression that fused my heart the moment he was the born. Then itchanged to joy from the day he took his first steps, then fear from the nighthe was convinced a monster lived in his closet. Happiness from the ChristmasSanta brought him his first bike, then shame from the day he came home from hisfirst and only school brawl. Embarrassment on the day I saw him holding handswith a girl. Finally, it turned serene, showing perfect contentment. I cradledhim in my arms, and the next thing I remember a police officer was touching myshoulder and the paramedics were trying to take my boy away from me.”

Lois paused.

Sniffles and coughs went around the group. Keller’shead was bowed, his eyes were shut tight, his hands clasped. Praying? Reedwaited for Martin’s reaction. She wasn’t watching Keller.

“For about a year after that I went through themotions of living. Bill and I retreated into ourselves. He didn’t want to talk.I wanted counseling together. He didn’t. And I couldn’t go alone. I feltbitter, angry for being punished unfairly, I felt abandoned, helpless,worthless. I contemplated suicide, divorce. That’s when I saw Kate’s notice inthe Chronicle about her research. I decided to volunteer and told Bill Ihad enrolled in a hobby course at the university. He thinks my ‘course’ hasdone a world of good, It has. Tonight I’ll tell him what I’ve been doing.”

Reed knew the case. Bobby Ray Walker, a truck mechanicwith a history of mental problems, was the sniper who shoot Lois’s son. Walkerwas serving a life sentence in Folsom for the murder.

Reed asked Lois how Martin’s research group had helpedher.

“It’s helped me come to terms with losing my child.I’m able to function now. I’m able laugh at a good joke, eat a hearty meal,sleep through the night. I certainly don’t tell every person I meet the detailsI’ve told you, but I can deal with talking about it without falling to pieces.I still feel uneasy seeing a funeral procession. I’ll never fully recover fromlosing Allan. No parent is ever, ever the same after losing a child because apiece of you dies, too. This group has helped me survive my loss. We’ve allhelped each other and Kate has been our guide. Some people cannot endure such ablow alone. The feeling of guilt, rage, blame, loss, futility are overwhelming,almost fatal. At times I thought I was losing my mind. Hearing my son’s voiceat night, smelling his scent, seeing him in malls, in my dreams, feeling hiskiss on my cheek.”

“How is this group different from others?”

“Some are politically motivated. Some seek vengeance.Eye for an eye. There’s nothing wrong with that, if that’s what you feel inyour heart. I was a member of such a group during Walker’s trial. At the time Iwas embittered. I believed Walker should be executed. I no longer feelvengeance in my heart. Feeling that way won’t bring Allan back. This group isdifferent because it is not a public auction agency. It is research. Theobjective is to study our bereavement, our pain and anguish with the aim ofunderstanding it, healing. We’ve been helped tremendously.”

The others followed with their stories, each accountas heart wrenching as the previous one. Reed’s eyes burned as he listened andtook notes. What was happening here? As a hardened crime reporter he had seenenough tragedy for twenty lifetimes. This was getting to him. Why? Because he’dresearched most of these cases, or that he’d actually covered some? He didn’tknow. He questioned himself, what he did for a living. Fear of the pain he mayhave wrongly caused Franklin Wallace’s wife and daughter gnawed at him. Hethought of Ann and Zach and what he had almost lost in his own life.Self-loathing, self-doubt, and confusion haunted him in the eyes of thesegrieving parents.

Sitting there, Reed felt sadden. Alone. Utterly alone.

He noticed Keller staring at him as he heard Martinsuggesting the group take a break.

“I think it’s going well, Tom. Don’t you?” Martinsmiled. He agreed, then excused himself to go to the washroom.