If Angels Fall

TWENTY-THREE

Relieved that the washroom was empty, Reed positioned himself at the urinal.Keller swung through the door and took the one next to him.

“Do you believe in God, Mr. Reed?”

Reed laughed. Given the circumstances, the questionwas absurd. He shook his head.

“Is that your answer?”

“Pardon?”

“Do you believe in God, Mr. Reed?”

“Look, I know it may be awkward having me here. Butyou should know that I appreciate the opportunity.” Reed washed his hands.

“You haven’t answered my question.”

“What I believe is irrelevant.”

“Lois Jensen believes. Some of the others are on theirway.” Keller bent over the adjacent sink, opening the faucets. “We try to helpeach other in our assemblage.’

Assemblage? Was he going to break into Scripture now?

“I’m helping them spiritually through the pain. ‘Throughthe valley of the dark sun.’”

The valley of the dark sun. Reed knew the old poem: “Awatery Death” by Ledel I. Zoran.

Keller splashed his face. “I believe you are here totest me.”

“Test you? I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean.”

Keller continued splashing his face. His voice had aneerie resonance as he recited: “Between the dream and the day comes thespecter.” Tiny water rivulets slithered down his face. “Are you the specter,sent to destroy my work?”

“Your work?” Reed was puzzled, somewhat uneasy. “No.I’m not the specter. I’m afraid I can’t help you there. Excuse me.” Reed tosseda crumpled paper towel into the trash.

Angela Donner spoke with a little voice, a child’svoice.

“I gave birth to Tanita in the back of a bus in SanMateo. I was seventeen, living by myself. But I was going to keep my baby. Mybaby and me were going to make a better life for us together. I was going tofinish school, be a good mother.”

Angela pondered her clasped fingers and sniffled.

“When Tanita Marie was stolen from me and killed, thatwas the day I stopped dreaming. Everything went dark. Everything. I wanted todie.” Martin passed Angela a tissue. “I bought a big bottle of sleeping pillsthe day before Dr. Martin came to visit. I planned to kill myself. Dr. Martinsaved me. I am glad she came.”

Martin smiled encouragingly at her.

“She helped me hang on, helped me think that maybesomething good would come from Tanita Marie’s murder. That’s when this researchgot started and it made me feel that Tanita Marie didn’t die in vain.”

Angela dabbed her eyes. “But some of the bad feelingscame back when Danny Becker got kidnapped in Balboa. It woke up my pain.Someone’s out there stealing children. I pray every night for Danny Becker’smother and father. I saw them on TV. I pray their son will be returned safe,that the police find the person who took him and the person that murdered mybaby.”

Reed paused a moment before asking her a few softquestions about the group. Afterward, she agreed to be interviewed later at herhome, then Reed turned to a fresh page in his notebook.

Keller wanted to go next. “I think it’s appropriate, Igive my testimony now,” He said.

“Certainly Edward,” Martin said

Keller looked at Reed. “I remind you, I do not wish tobe identified in any way in your newspaper, but I believe what I have to say iscrucial.”

“That’s not a problem,” Reed said.

Keller studied Reed for several moments beforebeginning with a recitation: “’All that he was, all that he had been, looked backfrom the still water.’”

Keller allowed the words to be absorbed. Martin put ahand to her temple as if anticipating disaster.

“You know those lines, Mr. Reed?”

Zoran again. Reed nodded. “’A Watery Death,’ I think”

“My children drowned.”

Reed hadn’t found any clippings in the newspaper’slibrary about Keller’s case. “I understand,” he said.

“You understand.”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever lost a child?”

“No”

“you have children?”

“A son, Zach. He’s nine.”

Keller pondered this information. “My eldest boy wasnine when he died. It was a boating accident.” Keller’s eyes were cold, dry.

Reed prompted him. “You lost all your children?”

“Yes. All three of my children. Pierce was nine,Alisha six, and Joshua was three. I was with them. Just the four of us. Irented a boat to the Farallons. A storm hit as we neared the islands.”

Keller stopped cold. Reed looked at Martin for a cue.She shrugged. Lois Jensen and Angela Donner were sniffling.

“What happened?”

“It hit us hard. Rain, thunder, violent winds, wildswells cresting at seven, maybe eight feet. We were tossed like a toy. A whalecame up under us a split the hull. We took on water. I failed to get the lifejackets on the children. We ended up in the ocean. Stay near me, I told them.It was impossible. They drowned calling for me. I survived. They never foundtheir bodies. My wife blamed me and left me shortly after.”

Keller stared at Reed. “It was God’s will. I was beingpunished.”

“For what.”

“Living a lie.”

“You believe this is the reason your childrendrowned?”

“I know it’s the reason.”

“I see. What do you mean by that-you were living alie?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“It’s complicated.”

Reed said nothing.

“What my valiant brothers and sisters here have triedto convey tonight is the universal truth that when your child dies, you die,too. You become something else.”

Reed waited for the religious kicker.

“When my children died, I died, but I was born again.”

Bingo.

“I didn’t realize at the time. It was a very slowprocess. It was an awakening followed by a revelation.”

“Tell me about it.”

Keller’s eyes went to Martin, then to Reed.

“With all due respect to the professor’s fine work,she has only touched the surface. The truth is that if a parent comes to terms,accepts their child’s death, they are destroyed. They have lost.”

“You’ve got all the answers, don’t you?” Keller said.

Martin intervened. “Edward. Edward. Please. Tom’s ourguest.”

“I know why he’s here.” Keller stood

“Mr. Keller, I apologize if my being here upsets you.”

“I think I’ve said enough.” Keller headed for thedoor.

“Edward, please, don’t leave,” Martin pleaded.

“Good night, everyone,” Keller said over his shoulderas he left.

“I feared this would happen.” Martin was deflated.“I’m sorry he reacted to your presence the way he did, Tom, Henry.”

They waived it off.

“If no one minds, I’d like to end the session. It’sbeen memorable,” Martin said. “Thanks, everyone. And thanks Tom and Henry. Welook forward to the article.”

“Thank you,” Reed said.

As group members collected jackets and tidied up,Martin took Reed aside. She was concerned about Keller.

“It was a disaster with Edward. Is he going to be inthe story?”

“I don’t know.”

“I should have prevented him from talking.”

“Why?”

“The anniversary of the drownings is coming up.”

She smiled across the room at Angela, waiting in thechair, twisting her hair. “That, along with Christmas and birthdays, is anextremely bad time.”

“No promises. His words were on the record, but I’llkeep this in mind, okay?”

“Okay.”

Reed approached Angela. “Thanks for waiting,” he said