Nero

8

Sourpusses, however, were not much in evidence at first. When I next stumbled into Persicus down at our mutual baths he was ecstatic over the new regime; in fact, he hailed me from the other side of the cold plunge.

'Hey, Petronius! You know any good poets?'

I went over. The sulky slave with the chicken-baster's hands wasn't in evidence; traded in, no doubt, for a later model.

'No, but if you're really interested I do a nice line in dirty drinking songs,' I said.

'Then widen your field, boy!' A grin. 'Start writing encomiums.'

'I didn't know you even knew the word, darling.' Bitchy, but I'd had a hard night. Never have bear meat on top of ostrich-brain fricassee.

He laughed. 'Yeah? Well, we've got ourselves an emperor for a change.'

'So I've noticed. Mind you there's already been Augustus, Tiberius, Caligula…'

'Stuff it.' He threw his towel at me. 'You know what I mean. The lad's doing well. They're saying down at the Senate House that he's old Augustus born again only without the starch.'

'They would say anything.'

He shook his head decisively. 'Not in private. They mean it, Titus. That's some commendation, even if they do know Burrus and Seneca are pulling the strings. The kid's got to listen to somebody, and at least now it's not Agrippina. She is out — but I mean seriously!'

'And how is our dowager empress taking it?' We sat down with our backs against a pillar.

'How do you think? Like a rhino with migraine.' He frowned. 'Hey, you know this Acte woman?'

'No.' I wasn't going to let Persicus in on that little secret, oh no. Good at his job he might be and a splendid young man all round, but he was also the loosest mouth in Rome. 'No, I've never even seen her.'

'Me neither. I don't move in these circles, and he keeps her well under wraps. But she must be something really special the way she's hooked the boy away from Mummy.'

'They say she was Mithridates's mistress.' I put in my two-pennyworth of false gossip: Mithridates was one of the leading eastern client-kings and randy as a drunken camel. 'They also say she wore him out in a month.'

Persicus whistled. 'No kidding? Jupiter's balls! That makes sense, because when the Bitch caught them together she went up the wall.'

'Agrippina caught them?' My stomach turned over. 'You mean, she's found out?' It'd been inevitable from the start, of course, but even so…

Persicus grinned. 'She walked in on them this morning, in Nero's bedroom. The kid just lay there petrified like he'd been caught with his hand in the honey jar, but Acte told her to piss off.'

'And did she?'

'She did. She was spitting blood. But she went right enough.'

'Persicus, how do you know all this?'

'Oh, it's true, don't you worry!' He was practically crowing. 'I got it on the slave network. The story was all over the palace by noon. The Bitch is on the skids, Petronius. A month or two more and she'll be history.'

'If Acte lives that long.' I was frowning. Now the secret was out I didn't rate her chances better than marginal.

'Agrippina wouldn't dare touch a hair of the lady's head, not with Nero up there on his cloud. She's got more sense.'

'You think she'll just give up? Let her have him?' If Persicus thought that then the odds were pretty fair.

He stared at me. 'Give up? The Bitch? No chance. Three in a bed isn't her bag.' I must've looked blank because he laughed. 'Hey, Petronius! You didn't know? Agrippina's been screwing her blue-eyed bunny rabbit for years. No wonder she's jealous.'

'It's a lie!' Acte was furious when I told her later, in Silia's boudoir. 'Lucius has never slept with his mother!'

'Are you sure, dear?' Silia was holding still while Lalage worked on her eyebrows with a pair of tweezers.

She shifted uncomfortably on the couch's edge. 'Of course I am.'

'Persicus may be an oaf, Acte,' I said. 'But he's a well-informed oaf. He's seldom wrong where gossip's concerned.'

She reddened. 'Yes, okay,' she said quietly. 'He wants to, I know that, it's obvious from the way he looks at her sometimes. And she leads him on, she always has done. But that's as far as it goes.'

'If they are having sex together it'd certainly explain a lot.' I was watching Lalage. The girl had the most endearing habit of putting her tongue between her teeth when she concentrated. Nice eyes, too. 'And Agrippina isn't exactly scrupulous.'

'I wouldn't be especially surprised either,' Silia said calmly. 'Agrippina's had enough personal experience to consider incest almost a commonplace.'

I caught the reference, of course, although Acte obviously didn't: she only looked offended. If gossip was to be believed (and I always make it a point to believe good gossip) Agrippina's late brother Caligula had bedded all three of his sisters. Sleeping with one's sister, however, was one thing — the old Egyptians did it all the time, and there are other reputable precedents — but mother and son did seem to be taking things a little too far. I said as much.

'Titus, dear, you really can be most incredibly naïve at times.' Silia sniffed. 'Agrippina will do anything for power. And Acte admits that the lad is sexually attracted.'

Acte's good-natured face bunched into a scowl. 'She's got him so he doesn't know which end's up.'

'Oh, how dreadfully embarrassing for him,' I said.

Acte turned on me. 'Look, don't joke about this. It's serious, and it's complicated.'

'Complicated?'

'Deep down Lucius hates Agrippina's guts, but as far as he's concerned she's everything. He might break with her, but if she broke with him it'd be the end of the world. You understand?'

'Oh, yes. I understand. In fact, I'm ahead of you.' I was, and it was worrying. Very worrying. What Acte was saying was that if push came to shove and Agrippina presented Lucius with an ultimatum the boy would cave in; in which case Acte would be quietly disposed of, Silia and I badly compromised and Agrippina in a stronger position than ever. This was what we got for meddling, and it served us right.

'You don't know the half of it.' Acte took a deep breath. 'She…caught us together one day. You know?'

I nodded. 'Persicus did mention that as well, dear.'

She stared at me. I thought she was going to blush, but she didn't. Instead she said, slowly and sourly: 'Hey, your friend's a real mine of information, isn't he?'

'The biggest in Rome.'

'He tell you she hit the roof?'

'Yes.'

'Damn right she did! I've been around, and I've never heard language like that, nowhere, not even on the Ostian barges. The woman's crazy, Petronius. I swear she didn't know what she was saying.'

'Wait a moment, Acte.' Silia laid a hand on the maid's arm. 'Lalage, that's enough for now. This isn't for your sensitive ears.' The girl (sensitive ears, my foot! She was enjoying every minute of this) picked up the cosmetic box and left the room with a flounce. 'I'm sorry, dear. Carry on, please.'

Acte frowned. 'Anyway, when she's finished Lucius is great. I was really proud of him. He's shaking like a leaf but he tells her very firm and quiet she can't talk to him like that, that he's a grown man now and the emperor and he can handle his own life.' She paused. 'Then she says…the empress says…, "Britannicus wouldn't hurt his mother like this. He's a good boy."'

I almost laughed, even though I knew it wasn't funny. And it wasn't. Not at all. That much was obvious from Acte's expression.

'Lucius goes chalk-white,' she went on. 'He doesn't say anything, but mother, that hits him hard, and the bitch knows it. She looks straight at him and she says real slow and cold, "Britannicus wouldn't hurt his mummy like this, Lucius. Britannicus is a better boy than you are. Better in every way. Britannicus is Mummy's pet lamb now." I tell her to go and she goes. Then Lucius just…curls up.'

'What?'

'Curls up, Petronius. Like this.' Acte lay down on her side and brought her knees up almost to her chin, hugging them hard. Then she sat up again. 'He looked dead, only he was breathing okay and his eyes were open. It took me hours to bring him round.'

'Jupiter!' I whispered.

'The boy isn't normal,' Silia said decisively. 'He needs a doctor.'

'He needs a priest,' I said.

Acte turned on us furiously. 'Look, just lay off, will you? I told you, Lucius is just scared. He's shit-scared of life without his mother. It's not his fault.'

'It's not a matter of fault.' I was still shaken. Silia was right, behaviour like that wasn't normal. 'The boy's emperor. The last thing Rome needs is another Caligula.'

Acte got to her feet; she was almost crying. 'I wish I'd kept this to myself now!’ she said. ‘Lucius isn't mad! He was okay after we'd talked it over, reallyhe was. It just hit him hard at the time, you know? It could happen to anyone.'

'Of course it could,' I said neutrally. 'Anyone at all.'

'You've never even met him! You don't know what he's like! He's-'

'Sensitive. Yes, you've told us that several times. And, Acte, I don't have to meet him. As Silia says, the boy isn't normal. I only hope his abnormality doesn't become too…embarrassing.'

'Fuck that!' The tears were obvious now. 'And fuck you as well, both of you! I wish I'd never told you! If you met him you'd know at once he was okay!' She looked from one of us to the other, her chin with its wart jutting out aggressively. 'He's an artist and he's…all right, yes, he's sensitive!'

Neither of us spoke or met her eyes. I don't know about Silia, but I couldn't have trusted myself to do either. Acte stormed out. In the distance we heard the front door slam.

Three days later an invitation arrived to have dinner at the palace. Obviously we were being given an opportunity to judge Lucius for ourselves.

Not the best evening to choose, as it transpired, by any means; but of course poor Acte couldn't have known that at the time.