Past Imperfect

SIXTEEN

Session 5.

'…Or is it perhaps you're concerned that if we confront Jojo, ask him questions, we'll frighten him off. He won't appear in the dreams to help you again.'

'I don't know… perhaps a bit.'

'The dreams are special between you — and you don't want to spoil it.'

'… It's not knowing what to do.' Eyran's head lolled, as if asking consent of an unseen figure.

Lambourne let the moment ride, let the thought sink deeper home. He’d spent the last twenty minutes setting the mood to draw out Jojo directly, and finally he sensed he was close. 'I think you're a lot surer of his friendship than you make out. You don't think he'd frighten off easily, do you?'

After a few seconds, Eyran exhaled slowly; reluctant acceptance. 'No.'

'But while you might like to know the answers — know how Jojo lost his parents and where, see just how much you have in common — you're not sure how to ask the questions. But that's where I can help you.’ Lambourne left a long silence, watching Eyran's reaction: his brow was furrowed then relaxed, his tongue lightly moistening his lips. The suggestion was fully there now; all he had to do was fill in the gaps. '…You don't need to worry about confronting him — because we can go back to the past dreams and I can talk to Jojo directly.'

Lambourne could see that Eyran was teetering on the brink, fighting between what he'd like to believe — being able to ask Jojo questions, guide some events for once rather than be just a passenger — and what his senses told him was real: the dreams were over, they were in the past. If he could change the past… the first thing he'd do was bring his parents back alive. Like a boxer with his opponent reeling, Lambourne knew that if he didn't keep up the momentum, he could lose Eyran at any moment.

'…But I'll need your help Eyran. Jojo is with you, he's part of you — part of your dreams. If you really want to know the answers, Jojo will talk to me. Of that I'm sure. Will you help me?'

'… I don't know…. how would I help?'

'By wanting to know the answers as much as me. You do want to know about Jojo, don't you… know why he's a friend, know what happened to him so that you can better understand why he's there to help you?' Lambourne watched each tick of expression on Eyran's face as the messages went home. Eyran was close to coming to terms with it. 'If you really want to know those things — then I'm sure it will work.'

Eyran swallowed slowly. 'Yes… I would like to know.'

But Lambourne could read the uncertainty still in Eyran's face. 'If it doesn't work, if Jojo doesn't want to speak to us — then we'll soon know. There'll be nothing lost. We'll just continue as before.'

And for the first time there was a glimmer of acceptance, an easing in Eyran's expression as the portent of failure was lifted. It wasn't the full acceptance he'd have liked, but probably the best he'd get. He pushed the advantage before the moment was lost. '… So let's go back to the last dream you had… try and find Jojo. Tell me, what's the first thing you see?'

The sudden leap caught Eyran by surprise, and Lambourne could see that Eyran was suddenly perplexed, fighting for images just out of reach. 'Its okay… take your time,' Lambourne soothed. He counted off the seconds as Eyran's breathing slowly settled back.

'… It was dusk, the light was fading fast… I was approaching the copse.'

The dreams were always a tease, thought Lambourne: images not clear, mist that obscured reality, fading light that meant he would be lost in the darkness if he didn't find his parents soon. Jojo always had him on a tight treadmill.

'…There was a figure on the edge of the wheat field, just before the copse, looking back at me… But I couldn't see clearly who it was.'

'Did you think that the figure might be your father — or Jojo perhaps?'

'I wasn't sure… but as I started to run closer to get a clear view, I came into a clearing of wheat which looked like it had been cut neatly away — and Jojo was sitting there, looking down. He looked sad at first, lost… but as he saw me, he smiled and stood up.'

Lambourne saw an opportunity. 'Did you ask Jojo what was wrong, why he looked so sad?'

'No… no, I didn't. When he smiled and stood up, I was sure then it was my father ahead — and I was keen to point him out to Jojo.'

Lambourne could see the mixture of doubt and elation on Eyran's face. Doubt that once again he might have ignored Jojo's emotions and feelings — battling with his elation that it might be his father. He would need to deal with the father's sighting first to get Eyran fully focused.

Jojo quickly took control. Eyran described the distant shape fading into the shadows as Jojo looked up, saying that Eyran's father had probably gone deeper into the copse. Jojo started to lead the way. Lambourne tensed as the descriptions rolled, tapping his pencil on his notes. Over a week's delay before Stuart Capel finally signed the consent slip, and only then because there'd been another bad dream. Lambourne knew that if he didn't succeed in drawing out Jojo now, there might not be another chance.

As Eyran described them in pursuit, heading across the field and through the trees towards the brook, Lambourne's nerves bristled — fearing another dream ending. But this time they headed out of the woods and into an open field the other side, and he was lulled into complacency by the setting and his pre-occupation with returning Eyran to where he first met Jojo. He was only alerted by Eyran's sudden change in breathing — suddenly more laboured, his eyelids flickering rapidly. '…Does the dream end badly there?'

'Yes… we… there was a dip… I… I' Fractured breathing, Eyran swallowing on his words.

'It's okay… It's okay! You don't need to go there again. Step back from the clearing… step back!'

Eyran looked startled for a moment. Lambourne realized then that he'd shouted. He quickly introduced a calmer, more soothing tone. 'Let's go back… back away from the clearing. Yes — that's it…. you're away from any danger now…'

Lambourne left a few seconds gap between each comment, as if waiting for Eyran to catch up with him. '…We're going back to the beginning — back to where you first met Jojo in the first field. He was sitting then in another clearing of wheat. You mentioned that he looked very sad. But we never found out why he was so sad.'

Eyran's breathing gradually eased. He looked more settled.

'… You thought perhaps that you should have asked, that he might have been upset you didn't ask. But it doesn't matter — we can ask him now.'

'I don't know… I'm not sure, I…' Doubt and uncertainty returned, swept across Eyran's face like rising storm clouds.

Lambourne could see Eyran retreating, a moment more and the chance would be gone completely. 'But you need to know more about Jojo. You never ask him anything, yet he's put in so much time helping you, trying to find your parents. Don't you think it's only fair — he'll be upset if you never ask. One night you'll be dreaming, you'll return to the copse, expecting him to be there to help you find your parents… and you'll be all alone. He won't be there!'

Lambourne saw Eyran visibly flinch. But as his expression settled back, Lambourne could see that a glimmer of acceptance had returned. It had been the right ploy: remind Eyran that there was just as much risk in not talking to Jojo. It wasn't all one way.

Lambourne spent the next minutes cajoling and reassuring, one minute enticing and luring, hoping that Eyran would make the decision, then suddenly once again storm-trooping — before Eyran finally relented and he broke through. Entered the elusive world of Jojo.

Lambourne spent the first minutes getting accustomed to Jojo's voice. The intonation was slightly different, slower and more purposeful, but apart from that it was Eyran's voice. Lambourne asked if he was Eyran's friend, where he knew Eyran from, but Jojo was vague '…from before… it was a long time back.' He got a similar answer when he asked Jojo about losing his parents. Distant memories, obscured by a haze of time. Lambourne wanted to stay for the moment with the present and the recent dreams.

'Did you lose your parents by the copse where you first met Eyran. You mentioned that you'd had the same experience as Eyran — that he wouldn't be able to find his parents unless he crossed over.'

'… I only wanted to help. I was over the far side… I couldn't help him unless he crossed over.'

'Did you see him crossing over as a sign that he trusted you. That he wanted your help?' Lambourne knew that he'd have to be more patient talking to Jojo; each response was being fed in turn through Eyran.

'… Yes.'

'But why the copse? Was it familiar — reminded you of where you lost your parents?'

'There was something about it, I couldn't be sure… but I had the feeling stronger in the wheat field. It was a long time ago, though… I couldn't remember clearly.

'The same wheat field where you were with Eyran in the last dream?'

'Yes. But Eyran was running through the wheat field in the first dream… it was that which made me look up and see him from the copse.'

Eyran too had mentioned that when he first moved in the house the wheat field had seemed familiar… 'as if I'd been there before.' 'You could see him between the trees — running towards you?'

'Yes, and I… I… felt his concern, his worry as he was running through. I knew that something was wrong.'

'The same concern that you felt when you lost your parents?'

'Yes — I'd felt the same.'

'And that was what first made you feel close to Eyran, made you feel you could help find his parents?' A small nod and a mumble of 'yes' from Jojo. 'Was that the first time you saw Eyran?'

'Yes — then. But I knew him from before…'

The past again. 'When was that?'

'I don't know — it was a while… a while ago. It's not clear.'

How far back? Lambourne wondered. How many years did it take for events to fade from an eleven year old's memory? Five, six? Even in the unlikely event they had met as children and the memory had now gone — Jojo's memory of losing his parents wouldn't so easily fade. In inventing Jojo, Eyran had simply buried the details in the past — hopefully out of reach.

Lambourne picked his way through some other dreams for Jojo's interpretation, matching symbolism to a list he'd made earlier: The brook and the wheat field: familiarity, home. Loss of parents: shared experience. Crossing the pond and entering the woodland shed: trust. Now he added: wheat clearing. Mirror images, Jojo filling the gaps that Eyran didn't want to face. But trust had quickly given way to dominance: Jojo always led, Eyran followed.

Lambourne tried to draw Jojo out on the failure of the dreams, but Jojo seemed as surprised and disappointed as Eyran. Even as Jojo submitted to the reality he knew Eyran would have to face, relinquished control, his sense of failure mirrored Eyran's disappointment. 'Do the failures in the dreams make you despair — wonder if each time you might face the same disappointment?'

'Yes, sometimes… but when I see Eyran, I feel hopeful again. And I feel I can't let him down.'

'You feel that he expects it of you — expects you to be able to find his parents?'

'…Yes.'

'But how do you feel. Do you feel you can really find his parents?'

Eyran's head lolled slightly, then turned slowly back until he was again facing the ceiling. 'I don't know… but Eyran feels sure I can find them. And he needs a friend to help him. I couldn't leave him on his own.'

Lambourne wondered if that was going to be the pattern: Jojo side-stepping, passing the main responsibilities back to Eyran. 'And you think that your own experience with losing your parents will help?'

'Yes… at least I know how he feels. It seems so… so unfair that it has happened twice.'

Twice? 'You mean — with you and now Eyran. You both experiencing losing your parents?'

'Yes.'

'But you remember so little about your own loss — you said that it was too long ago for you to recall. So how will you be able to help Eyran?' Create doubt, start chipping away at Jojo's dominance, thought Lambourne. He watched intently as Eyran grappled with the thought. Eyran's expression was taut; a muscle pulsed momentarily by his left eye.

'If I went back… perhaps I would remember clearer. Maybe I hope I'll find my parents at the same time… that's why I've returned. Why I want to help Eyran.'

'So you were unable to find your parents when you were there before?'

'No… I never found them.'

The first small admittance of defeat. If he could build on that, get Jojo to admit that he might fail again, then he would be halfway to breaking his hold. 'Do you fear that you might fail with Eyran as well. That you won't be able to find them?'

'Yes… sometimes. But I can't just leave him on his own — give up.'

Lambourne sensed a chink of uncertainty. 'But what if you can't help Eyran find them, in the same way that you have never been able to find your own parents. Eyran believes they're alive — but do you?'

Eyran shook his head, struggling with images he didn't want to accept. 'I don't know… he needs a friend. He's all alone when he's looking for them. I was alone before — I know how he feels. I must be there to help him.'

Lambourne retreated; a direct assault wasn't going to work. Eyran was still clinging, resisting. Jojo continuing to hide behind Eyran's desire to find his parents and take the passive role as just a helping friend. 'What was it that felt familiar about the wheat field? Eyran said that when he saw you in the field in the last dream, you looked sad. Can you remember why?'

'I'm not sure. I just felt alone — deserted.'

'Who had deserted you?'

'I don't remember… it was just a feeling. The wheat field, the water running in the nearby brook… it reminded me of something.'

'Did it remind you of losing your parents? Is that why you were sad?'

'Yes… but I wasn't sure. It was somehow different. I tried to get a clear picture… but it was too far back.'

Again the convenient shield. 'If you went back, do you think you'd remember, the images would become clearer?'

'Yes… I think so.'

The answer threw Lambourne; he'd expected more hesitance and resistance. Why bury the events conveniently in the past, then invite their exposure? Surely the last thing Eyran wanted was him delving back; yet Jojo seemed to be encouraging it. One area where they were in conflict. Lambourne wanted to stay with the present a bit longer, continue exploring the dreams — but he realized the opportunity to go back might not arise again easily. He decided to take the bait, call what he was certain was a bluff. 'So let's go back Jojo… back to where the memories might be clearer.'

Lambourne started by taking Jojo back just over three years, to when Eyran was almost eight: the last months at the old house in England. Nothing. No recall, no memories. The process was slow; Eyran left long gaps as he mentally jumped time frames and surfaced again. Lambourne prompted by mentioning their play areas by the old house: the copse and the woods at the back, the wheat field at Broadhurst Farm. But nothing triggered a memory. He decided to make the invitation more open. '… Take me back to when you first met Eyran. Was it when Eyran first moved into the house there? Were you friends together then?'

'No… it was from before.'

'Then go back further… back to when you first met.'

Only Eyran's breathing and the faint whirring of the tape reel punctuated the silence. Lambourne tapped his pen softly on his pad with the passing seconds. As Jojo panned frantically back in his mind through past events and images and almost two minutes had passed with only the sound of Eyran's breathing, now slightly more laboured — Lambourne became sure that nothing would surface. Or that Jojo's recollections would only be vague; the painful memory of losing his parents selectively erased. In the same way that Eyran didn't want to accept his parents were dead — Jojo would have no recall of his.

When Eyran finally surfaced and Jojo's voice returned, it startled Lambourne. He felt numbed, his mouth suddenly dry, and he had to consciously snap himself out, quickly adjust to the new situation and break the silence by asking the next question.

He knew that he sounded inept, hesitant — hadn't fully made the leap to what he now confronted. His palms were sticky and he was stumbling as he continued with a few rudimentary questions. For the first time he was eager to end the session, and minutes later he stopped the tape recorder and counted Eyran back awake. He needed time to himself, time to think. He didn't mention anything to Eyran or the Capels as they confirmed arrangements for the next session and said their goodbyes.

Lambourne sat back and closed his eyes, easing out a slow sigh. Now looking back, the signs had been there clearly: 'It seemed unfair that it should happen twice'…. 'It was long ago — from before.'… 'If I went back — perhaps I would remember clearer.' As much as he suspected Eyran had buried events in the past and so wouldn't want them uncovered, Jojo had been enticing him to go back throughout. Intent on only one track, he'd missed the signals.

But as the implications sank home, he realized he was out of his depth; he'd need help. Even the few closing questions had made him feel awkward: fishing in areas of psycho-analysis he'd barely touched upon. He looked at his watch. Almost three hours before he could put through a call to the University of Virginia.