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Chapter 18

THE interior of Spa Diva looked like it might have taken some of its divine inspiration from the gentlemen’s clubs of yesteryear. A leopard print love seat and chairs were clustered around a black ebony cocktail table. Chinese lamps with silk shades of saffron yellow and mandarin red cast a glow against gold leaf wallpaper. A white flokati rug seemed to undulate on the floor and two life-sized ceramic Chinese warriors from an indeterminate dynasty stood guard on either side of the reception desk. “Obviously not a glitter-free zone,” remarked Carmela as they strolled up to the front desk.

But Ava was never adverse to a little glitz. “I like this,” she said. “Very glam-o-rama.”

“Very Jade Ella,” whispered Carmela.

The receptionist, a skinny, leather-clad blond, accepted their gift certificates and led them each to a treatment room.

Ava had finally decided upon the Banana Frango facial, while Carmela had opted for the full-body mud mask. The brochure, the one with her photo adorning the cover, touted the full-body mud mask as a “hedonistic indulgence guaranteed to sleek and slough the skin.” She didn’t know how much sleekness one could attain in forty-five minutes, but she figured her body could probably do with a little sloughing.

Carmela was shown to a treatment room with gleaming marble floors and walls, recessed glass panels adorned with etched nudes, and a large adjoining shower. Shucking out of her clothing, Carmela climbed onto the vinyl padded table and pulled a sheet about her modestly.

Within moments, a determined-looking woman with gray hair pulled back in a stiff bun entered the room. She carried a pail filled to the brink with green mud.

Uh-oh.

“I am Greta,” the woman said by way of introduction. “Roll over, please.”

Carmela obediently rolled onto her tummy. The word please had been filled with lots of sibilance, but not much warmth.

“The mud draws out impurities,” explained Greta tersely, slapping a handful of cold, wet goo on Carmela’s backside. It smelled earthy and slightly minty. Carmela shivered as she wondered about Greta’s accent. Was the inscrutable Greta Swiss? German?

“This is special mud?” asked Carmela, trying to make the best of what suddenly seemed like a slightly embarrassing situation. Maybe that Brazilian wax would have been preferable.

“Mineral mud,” Greta told her as she patted the goo all across Carmela’s back, then turned her attention to Carmela’s legs. “Imported from France.”

“Ah,” said Carmela. “ France.” It felt like a stupid retort, but she couldn’t think of anything better to say as Greta grunted and groaned and tossed handfuls of mud onto her.

“Turn,” Greta finally ordered.

Carmela struggled onto her right side, then managed an ungainly flop. Already the mud had begun to harden and form a crusty shell. The treatment table she was reclining on seemed to be heated and she felt like she was slowly becoming a human puff pastry.

More mud was slathered and slapped atop her chest and breasts and when the procedure was complete down to the tips of her toes, Carmela found herself on her back, fully entombed in mineral mud. Greta positioned Carmela’s arms close to her sides, then covered her with what looked like a vinyl-coated electric blanket.

Heat, Greta told her, would activate the mud’s skin-softening properties. She was also instructed to think pure thoughts and not to move a muscle for the next thirty minutes.

The vinyl electric blanket was set at a sleep-inducing eighty degrees and plugged into a master panel that, she was told, electronically controlled the entire procedure. As Greta slipped out the door, the room lights dimmed automatically and Carmela found herself alone in the treatment room.

It wasn’t long before Carmela was beginning to drift off. The padded treatment table was surprisingly comfortable, the mud had induced a kind of lethargy, and, from somewhere, probably the master control panel, gentle music played over hidden speakers. Quiet, restful, New Age-sounding music. Lots of strings, a gentle pan flute. The kind of music that could transport your brain waves from their normal alpha state into the more relaxed beta state.

As she listened to the gentle notes, Carmela felt each one keenly, could almost see the notes floating in the warm air above her. Carmela giggled to herself, aware she was free-associating, not worrying where it was going to take her.

As she sank deeper and deeper into a state of relaxation, Carmela heard a low click. She turned her head and sighed, assuming the tape had ended and a new one was going to begin. And let herself tumble, tumble, tumble, like Alice in Wonderland falling down that most intriguing rabbit hole, into a dreamlike state.

But something was crouched on Carmela’s chest. Pressing down. Something heavy and hot.

Carmela’s eyelids fluttered. She knew she should try to open them, but it seemed like too much trouble.

Trouble.

She was intensely hot. Sweltering.

This time her eyelids really did open.

Nothing was on top of her, but sweat oozed from every pore, coursed down her face in rivulets. She wondered if this was part of the treatment.

No, it couldn’t be. She was too hot. Feverish.

Way too hot.

She tried to move an arm, but it stuck fast.

Okay, then try to move your legs, she told herself. Stand up and the vinyl electric blanket thing that’s making you so hot will slide right off.

She couldn’t budge an inch. Now she felt like she was encased in molten lava. Every nerve twanged, every inch of skin seemed to burn.

This isn’t happening!

Now what? she wondered. Now you scream your head off, her brain replied.

“Help! Anybody!” Carmela shrieked at the top of her lungs. She paused a moment, listened for footsteps. “Get me outa here!”

She gazed longingly at the door, praying for it to open.

“Everything good?” Greta, suddenly chirpy, snicked open the door and peeked her gray head in.

“Get me outa here!” Carmela yelled. “It’s too hot, I’m burning up!”

Greta ripped the vinyl electric blanket away, then pulled at Carmela’s mud-encrusted arms. There was a slight crack as the mud gave way, then, finally, Carmela was free.

“You set the heat way too high!” Carmela screamed, struggling to sit up. She was angry and didn’t care who heard her. “I was heading for a meltdown. The darn mud and electric blanket were as hot as Chernobyl!”

“No, ma’am, you must have changed the setting.” Greta pointed triumphantly to the master control panel. “Almost a hundred degrees.” She glowered suspiciously at Carmela. “Too high,” she pronounced, as though Carmela were clearly at fault.

Carmela hoisted herself off the treatment table, flung one arm out as much as one could fling a mud-encrusted arm, and pointed toward the door. “Get out!” she thundered.

Knowing a convenient exit when she saw one, Greta scuttled for the door and disappeared.

Angry, hot, feeling like an Egyptian mummy who’d just been released from her sarcophagus after a long slumber, Carmela dragged herself stiff-legged across the room to the shower. She turned the water on full throttle and positioned her mud-encased body under the spray. Then, the cooling water pelting her about the head, shoulders, and back, Carmela waited as the dried mud finally reconstituted itself and changed back to slithery goo. Then the goo finally slid off.

As she stared at the faintly musty green mineral mud swirling about her bare feet toward the drain, Carmela wondered just what the hell had happened. Had there really been a malfunction just now? Or had it been mischief?