Saving Zoë

Thirty-one

For the last two days I’ve done my best to avoid Carly, which believe me, has not gone over so well. Especially after the bell rang and it was time to walk home and both times I didn’t want to be anywhere near her. I mean, I’m sorry but I just can’t go acting like everything’s all fine and normal and like that whole disgusting day in Jason’s filthy apartment never even happened. And the fact that she can just makes me want to avoid her even more.

So just when I thought it was safe, she saw me and was all, “Hey, wait up! Zoë, jeez! Are you avoiding me?” she asked as she ran to catch up with me.

I just took a deep breath and looked at her, having made up my mind not to lie. “Yes,” I said, my eyes right on hers the whole time.

“And can I ask why?” She stood there, hands on hips, looking all mad and indignant and bitchy.

“Do I really need to explain?” I picked up the pace.

“Well, I guess not. But I really don’t get why you’re so freaked. I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s not like anyone will ever know.”

I just looked at her and rolled my eyes, thinking she was so frustratingly lame, and wondering how we ever became friends. Then I said, “Well, you know what, Carly? I know. And you know. And Jason knows. And since he got it all on tape, it’s just a matter of time before the whole freaking world knows! Don’t you get it?”

But she just shrugged, like it’s not a big deal, which made me even madder.

So I said, “I can’t believe you did this to me. I can’t believe you put me in that position!”

But she just goes, It’s not like anyone held a gun to your head, so stop acting like such a little effin baby. And let’s just get one thing straight. Nobody made anyone do anything they weren’t willing to do, okay? You were there of your own free will. Which means you also participated of your own free will.”

But no way was I letting her off that easy, so I said, “Oh really, is it still free will if I’m all messed up on something he gave me? Something that I’m really starting to doubt was E? Because I think he gave us something else, Carly. I think he gave us something way worse.”

But she just looked away and rolled her eyes, making it perfectly clear she thought I was overreacting. “Yeah? Well, it’s not like he slipped it in your drink or anything. You took it right out of my hand, and nobody forced you to do that, Zoë.”

And hearing her say that made me so mad I started to shake, probably because I knew in a way it was true. But also because I couldn’t stop thinking about that glass of water he gave me, and how tired I felt after just a few sips. Though it’s not like I could prove anything, and it’s not like Carly would even care. So I just shook my head and said, “But still, don’t you realize how messed up this all is? Don’t you realize how this will all come back to haunt us? Stuff like this always does, there’s just no avoiding it.”

But she just rolled her eyes and went, “Relax, already. It’s not like it hurt Paris Hilton’s career. Or Pamela Anderson’s. Or half of Hollywo —

But before she could finish that, I was already gone. And when I got to the parking lot, I saw Shauna kissing Marc.

And seeing them together like that made me burst into tears, and I took off running, just as fast as I could, wishing I could just keep going, just run without stopping ’til I reached the other side of the world.

My dreams are getting worse, and all the stress and lack of sleep is starting to make me look totally haggard. Seriously. I mean, my skin looks so bad I actually considered canceling the photo shoot. But then I realized how now more than ever I need to do whatever it takes to get the hell out of here so I never have to see Carly, or Jason, or anyone else in this stupid fucking town ever again.

I need to go somewhere new, someplace where I can start fresh. And then someday when I’m rich and famous, I’ll get hold of that tape and destroy it.

Marc came up to me today at school, when I was standing at my locker, between classes. I was just switching out my books, when he leaned in and said, “Zoë.”

That’s it. All he said was my name, and I totally crumbled. Started bawling like a big pathetic baby. All of my worry, fear, and anxiety, all of my despair over the tape and my heartache over missing him and seeing how he’d already moved on to someone else, it all got mixed together and just came pouring out in a tsunami of emotion.

But he just held me close, keeping me tight against his chest as he stroked my hair and whispered in my ear. And when I still couldn’t stop, he said, “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” Then he grabbed my hand and led me away.

We went to the park to feed our ducks. And at first we didn’t speak much, but then once we got started, we could hardly stop. And I apologized for snooping in his file, and for getting so upset, and he apologized for getting so mad and avoiding me like that. Then just as I was feeling really really close to him, close enough to confide about the whole mess with Jason, he mentioned Shauna. Telling me how it didn’t mean anything, how she was a nice girl and all, but still, a very poor substitute forme.

So I held my tongue, and didn’t say a word. Reminding myself how he wouldn’t really want to know, and how it was far better to just keep quiet.

Though I did say that if he wanted to be back together with me, then he was never allowed to call Shauna again. And he agreed.

Then he told me all about Dr. Kenner, and how he started seeing him way back when his dad first went to jail and his mom started boozing and sleeping around on a regular basis, and how he was so full of rage and anger that he basically went kind of nuts and ended up vandalizing one of the buildings at his private school. At first his mom was able to keep it quiet by paying for the damage, pulling him out, and enrolling him somewhere else, but at the next school it was basically the exact same thing, and it pretty much went on like that until they ran out of expensive schools. So I guess Bella Vista and Dr. Kenner were pretty much his last great hope, since if he messed up again he’d be headed straight tojuvie, no matter how much money his mom threw at the courts.

He said it all worked out for the best though, since Dr. Kenner really helped him find his way through all the really bad stuff, and he learned how to control his anger and channel it into other things, like fixing cars and music and books and stuff like that. It’s also part of the reason why he doesn’t like to drink. He said now that he knows what it’s like to be in control, he doesn’t ever want to risk losing that again.

So I went, “But why didn’t you tell me all this before? Why’d you keep it a secret?”

And he said, “I was about to tell you when I found out where you worked, but the way you made fun of the patients, well, I didn’t want you to see me like that”

I just nodded, feeling so incredibly awful for being so insensitive and making him feel bad. And I also felt so guilty when I realized how he’d confided all of his secrets, but I was still keeping mine.

But then he said, “The only thing that could ever make me fly off the handle again is to see you anywhere near Jason. That guy is total trash, and I want you to stay away from him, okay?”

Then he held my chin, and made me face him. And his eyes were so dark and severe, I just nodded, and quickly looked away.

Later, when Marc drove me home, all the cars were gone so I invited him inside, and I found a note from my mom telling how she and my dad and Echo went for pizza and a movie and how they’d all be back later.

So it didn’t take long for Marc to coax me upstairs, obviously looking forward to a little make-up sex. And even though at first I thought I wanted it too, once he started kissing me, I just couldn’t go through with it.

But when I tried to roll over and push him away, wanting for him to just hold me and love me and keep me safe, he got upset

“C’mon Zoë, I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered.

But I ignored him and just closed my eyes, trying not to think about Carly and me and Jason’s camera. Not to mention Shauna and Marc and what they might’ve done together.

’What gives?” he asked, kissing the back of my neck and reaching around for my breasts.

But I just pulled the covers over me, and said, “Nothing, jeez.” Then I rolled my eyes, but it’s not like he could see.

“Then why are you covering yourself?” he asked, refusing to just hold me and let the rest go.

“’Cause I’m cold,” I said, going right back to lying again.

But it was clear he didn’t believe me. “Does this have anything to do with Jason?” he asked. “Is there something I need to know?”

And even though every part of me was screaming YES, desperate to finally unload this burden so I wouldn’t have to carry it alone, I knew that I couldn’t. Because when I finally turned to face him, feeling ready and willing to talk, I saw that his eyes were dark and angry for the second time today.

And suddenly I understood how someone as sweet and mellow as he could set fires, break windows, and tear things apart. And all I wanted was for him to leave.

I turned so we were no longer facing each other, then I closed my eyes and said, “What’s the matter, Marc, Shauna left you hanging too?”

Then he grabbed hold of my arms, but released them just as quickly. Then he got up from the bed, grabbed his clothes, and fled.

And I lay there like that, ’til long after he left, wondering who I should fear more, Jason or Marc? I’m almost at the end. The end of the diary, the end of Zoë. And even though I’m desperate to finish, I’m just as reluctant to say good-bye. I gaze over at the clock, seeing how it’s well past two, and wonder if Abby and Jenay will talk about me on the way home, or if they’re so glad to be rid of me they’ve already moved on.

I still have time to burn before my mom comes home, and you can pretty much double that for my dad. And wanting to just take my time with the last few pages, I set it on the coffee table and go outside.

Winter has already edged out fall, having moved in quickly with its crisp cold air and warm clean scent of wood fireplace logs — two things I always look forward to. And as I walk around my mom’s formerly well-tended but now much-neglected garden, I notice how the spring blooms, having gone completely ignored, are now either all shriveled up and hanging by a sliver or rotting away on the ground, their stalks bent down by their sides. And I wonder if my mom will ever put on her hat and gloves and venture back out here, rediscovering the things that once brought her such joy. Or if this is how well always live now, just barely cared for but mostly untended.

I shiver against the wind, my worn sweatpants, thin T-shirt, and thick socks with the big gaping hole in the heel providing a pretty pathetic shield. But still, it’s not like I move for cover, or even think about going inside. Instead I just stand there, rubbing my arms for warmth, feeling grateful to have a problem with such an obvious solution.

Reading Zoë’s diary has left me on shaky emotional ground, and I feel like I’m living on a fault line, where my moods rise and fall with every slight shift, while the world I’d once known quakes precariously around me.

So compared to all that, Old Lady Winter is pretty much a wimp.

I stay out a while longer, watching my neighbor’s black cat delicately pick his way across the top of our fence before jumping down to the other side. Then I head for the door, closing it quickly behind me when I hear my phone beeping in the den, and someone banging hard against the front door.

You’d think that at some point during my parents’ marathon of paranoia, somewhere around the time when they were installing the third dead bolt, they would’ve noticed how the front door is surrounded by glass. And not stained glass, or bathroom glass, or any other kind of glass that has bumps and colors that do a fine job of distorting an image. Nope, I’m talking plain, old, clear glass, the kind you can see right through.

But somehow they missed that.

Which leaves me face-to-face with Marc.

“Hey,” he says, waving from the other side. “It took you forever to answer and I was worried. Let me in.”

I watch him standing there waving, part of me about to obey, while the other part freezes. And suddenly I wish I’d skipped the little backyard field trip and just finished that diary once and for all.

“Whose car is that?” I ask, gazing at a bright red, vintage MG now parked on my driveway.

“Let me in and I’ll tell you,” he says, nodding and smiling, so sure that I will.

But I just shake my head and turn away, moving back toward the den where I sit on the couch, listening as he bangs on the door, saying things like, “Echo, please. I can explain. I want to explain. But you have to let me in.”

But I just pick up my cell to check my voice mail, breathing a sigh of relief when I hear Marc finally drive away.

“Echo, hey, it’s so weird you called me and said that it’s urgent and all, because I really need to talk to you too. So if you could, oh shit, here comes Ms. Jenkins.” Then I listen as Teresa says in her sweet, obedient voice, “It’s off! I swear, look!” And then she whispers, “Jeez, okay, anyway, it’s about — hey, give it ba—!”

And even though her phone is most likely in Ms. Jenkins’s possession, I dial her number anyway. But when she doesn’t answer, I know the next move is hers.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I scheduled this appointment, because if I thought I could just stroll off campus with a duffel bag full of makeup and clothes that

I’d managed to hide all day from Marc by keeping it stashed in my gym locker, then shame on me because that was one stupid, not-so-well-thought-out plan.

And since I’m no longer talking to Carly, which means

I’m not talking to Paula all that much either (since they’re always together now), it’s not like I had anyone left to help me pull this off. So I just figured that the second the final bell rang, I’d try to grab all my stuff and skip out.

But guess who was already there, standing by my locker, waiting?

Okay, I know I didn’t write yesterday, cuz I was just way too busy getting everything organized, so let me just say that a couple hours after Marc left, he called to apologize, and then way later he came back over and I snuck him into my room and he just held me while I slept. And when I woke up in the middle of the night he was already gone, and then yesterday at school we both acted like none of the bad stuff ever happened, that I never said that shit about Shauna, and that he never got angry about Jason, and that we were never really broken up to begin with. And since that’s the way I actually wanted things to be, it was pretty easy to play along and pretend.

And then late last night I snuck out and went to his place since his mom and stepdad are out of town, and we went skinny-dipping, hung in the Jacuzzi, then slept together in the bed in the pool house. Then just before the sun came up, he drove me home. And right before climbing back up the tree, I kissed him good-bye. And at that moment I knew I was being given a second chance, that we really could start over. I just hoped I would be smart enough not to blow it.

So anyway, this is the first time I’ve ever carried my diary with me, the first time I ever took it out of the house, and even though I keep kind of freaking out and double-checking to make sure I didn’t lose it (I mean, can you even imagine?), today is such a humongo big day that I just feel like I should document every single second of it, since it’s the first day of taking the first step toward changing my entire life! Not to mention how when I become really rich and famous, they’ll probably ask me to write my memoirs, and I can use this as a guide.

Anyway, I feel so incredibly good about this meeting — I’ve lost six pounds, not that I even needed to, but since the camera does add ten, I figure it can’t hurt — and I even found this amazing new cover stick that is totally working at hiding the dark circles and all the other signs of worry, stress, and major lack of sleep. And it’s just so amazing how it’s all falling so smoothly into place. I mean, before all this came together, I was never all that big on destiny. I mean, yeah, I would joke about it and stuff, but that doesn’t mean I actually really believed in it. I just always figured that you get to where you want to go by working hard and totally going for it — not by any kind of cosmic energy, or whatever.

But now, with the way it’s all moving forward, I just know deep down inside that it’s totally meant to be.

So anyway, when Marc saw me at my locker with my overstuffed bag, he just looked at me, and said, “What’s that?”

Well, at first I tried to lie and tell him I was getting a bunch of clothes taken in since I’d lost all that weight But when it was clear he wasn’t buying it, I told him I was auditioning for a play, and that I was too freaked out, nervous, and superstitious to say anything more about it.

“Just a community theater thing, no biggie. I’m just doing it for the experience,” I said.

“Can I come?” he asked.

But I told him no. Told him that he’d make me too nervous, and that I didn’t even want him to drive me. I’d just planned to take the bus, which meant I needed to leave right away, since it’d take me a whole lot longer to get there like that (which isn’t even a full lie, because I had planned to take the bus to the photo shoot).

So he just looked at me and said, “How ’bout I drive you and pick you up after?”

And I said, “No way, Jose. In fact, I don’t even want to talk about it afterward, unless of course they cast me, then I’ll bore you to death with all the details.”

So he goes, “Well then how ’bout this — we go to the park, hang for a while, and then you take my car and come pick me up when you’re done?”

“But I don’t know how long it will take! I mean, you’re just gonna sit there that whole time?” I asked, part of me really wanting the car since it would make everything so much easier, but the other part not wanting to be responsible for picking him up. I mean, what if it runs late? But still, having the car will really help, so I agreed.

Okay, so I just wrote all that in the parking lot of the Circle K, where he just went in to get us some snacks and waters and cigarettes and bread for our pet ducks. And now he’s back so—

“Thank you darling,” I say, wanting a ciggie big-time but knowing I can’t write and open the pack at the same time. But really, what’s more important, smoking or recording all the little mundane things that happen to me while I’m still anonymous?

So he goes, “What are you writing about that’s making you so happy?”

Then he acts like he’s trying to peek over my shoulder so I pull it away and say, “You have no idea.”

So we’re at the park now, and I’m feeding the ducks while Marc starts on his homework and then he looks at me and goes, “So what play are you trying out for?”

And since I’m more into movies, and don’t really know any plays, I go, “Phantom of the Opera.” And believe me, the second it’s out, I regret it

So he looks at me and goes, “I didn’t know you could sing opera.” Then he gives me this suspicious squinty kind of look.

But I think I pulled it off, cuz I just said, “I don’t, silly. It’s for a nonsinging part. A really small part, in fact, and it’s really no big deal. I just think it will be good experience to go to an audition and see what it’s like to be onstage with everyone watching you and stuff.” And since it seems like he might actually believe that I add, “But what about you? Are you really just gonna sit here and wait?”

And he smiles and goes, “Yup.”

And I go, “But what if you get bored, or need to go home or something?”

But he just shakes his head and says, “No worries, I’ll handle it. Just don’t forget to come back for me.” Then he jangles his car keys as he starts to hand them over.

And I go, “Please, I could never forget you,” then I lean in and kiss him, and reach for the keys.

But then he goes, “Wait, I want something in return.”

I just looked at him, thinking I should’ve known better, ’cause there’s always a catch. “What?” I ask.

“Your diary,” he says. “Leave me your diary just to make sure.”

“Make sure of what?”

“To make sure you come back to me. You know, like collateral?” He smiles.

“You’re not gonna read it, are you?” I ask, still wanting those keys but not liking the trade, and wondering if I can trust him to really not read it.

But he just gives me a serious look, and says, “Only if you don’t come back.” Then he leans in and kisses me, and says, “And when you return, I have a major surprise for you. Something you’re gonna love, that will also explain everything, everything you’ve been wondering about where I was those times when you couldn’t reach me. I just want us to rewind, to get back to where we were. I really love you, Zoë.”

So I say, “And I really love you, Marc.”

Then he smiles and says, “Are you ever going to stop writing so I can kiss you and tell you good-bye?”

And I smile and say, “Yes!”

I turn the page but that’s it. And every page that follows is as blank as the one before it, nothing but blue lines on white background, Zoë’s loopy handwriting coming to its final rest.

I close my eyes and lean back against the cushions, tears pouring down my cheeks, thinking how strange it is that her diary ended on “Yes!” When her life probably ended on “No!”

I sit there, holding her book in my lap, unwilling to look at it, unable to let go.

And when my cell phone rings, I hit speaker wiping my eyes as Teresa says, “Echo, I’m on my way over. We really need to talk.”