Shifting Skin

Chapter 21

Jon shouldered open the door of Cheadle Ironside’s clubhouse and plonked his kitbag down in the bar. A scattering of other players were there, some gathered round a table as one flicked through a copy of the Sport, semi-naked girls pouting on every page.

‘Hey, Jon! So you are playing — I thought you’d gibbed out.’ This from a gnarled old man with bushy eyebrows.

‘All right, Heardy. I got a break from work so I thought, Fuck it, it’s Saturday, I’ll go and sweat blood and tears with the boys.’

‘You mean Alice has let you out for a few hours,’ a young man with a shaved head called over, fingers curled round a bottle of Lucozade Sport. A chorus of knowing laughter broke out.

‘Just wait till your missus gets up the duff, Westy,’ Jon replied with a grin.

‘I’ll have to nip round and service her before that ever happens,’ Heardy cut in, and the laughter turned on Westy.

The door to the changing rooms burst open and the captain, already in first-team strip, came in. ‘Come on, you bunch of tossers. Kick-off’s in forty minutes. Get changed.’

The changing rooms stank of Deep Heat. Jon shrugged his jumper off, loosened his club tie enough to slip it over his head with the knot still intact, then hooked it over a peg. He sat down, opened his kitbag and took his boots out.

The captain crouched in the middle of the room, a pile of rugby shirts at his feet. As he called out a number he threw the shirt at the appropriate player with an accompanying comment.

‘Number three, Chico. We want those scrums solid as a rock today.

‘Number six, Bamby. I want you leaping like a salmon in the line-outs.

‘Number fourteen, Cookie. Have a run at your opposite man

— he shat it last time.

‘Number seven, Slicer.’ A shirt hit Jon in the chest. ‘The usual, please. Make them regret ever turning up here.’

Jon nodded, faintly amused that his nickname from when he played for Stockport had finally caught him up. The two players on the bench next to him were sniggering over a camera phone.

‘Here, Jon, check this out. Ash’s bird’s had a tit job. Look at the pair on that.’

The mobile was thrust into his hand, the screen filled with a full-colour image of a young woman. She was smiling proudly at the camera, a mammoth pair of breasts straining beneath her crop-top.

Jon held the phone closer to his face, then looked over at Ash.

‘She’s really your girlfriend?’

He nodded, beaming, then cupped his hands in the air and wriggled them from side to side. ‘B cup to a double D, just like that. The wonders of modern medicine.’

Jon took another look at the phone. ‘What do they feel like?’

‘Rock-hard mate. Don’t even move when she’s lying on her back as I’m giving her one. Marvellous, they are.’

A shirt hit him full in the face. ‘Ash! Mind on the match, not your bird’s plastic tits!’

Jon handed the phone back with a bemused shake of his head. Alice’s breasts had ballooned during her pregnancy and, although he found the novelty of it amusing, he couldn’t imagine her heaving them around on a permanent basis. To his relief, she had said exactly the same thing.

Half an hour later they trooped back in from the training pitch for the pre-match talk. Studs clattered on the concrete floor as they milled around, sheens of sweat covering their faces. Jon sat quietly in the corner. Breathing deeply with his eyes fixed on the floor, he enacted the first seconds of the match in his head. The need to immediately stamp his authority on his opposite man in order to shake his confidence and upset his desire to even play.

‘Right,’ the captain announced. ‘Get your last-minute pisses out of the way, I want you back here in one minute.’

Jon rested his hands on his thighs and jiggled his knees up and down, thinking forward to the moment the referee’s whistle would start the game.

‘I want your minds on the match. First ten minutes, boys, we hit them like a fucking steam train. Are we letting this bunch of whining scouse bastards come to our back yard and turn us over?’

A few players growled, ‘No.’

‘I said: are we letting this bunch of whining Scouse bastards come to our back yard and turn us over?’ the captain roared.

‘No!’ the team shouted back.

By now the captain was prowling up and down the middle of the narrow room, smearing Vaseline over his eyebrows. ‘Get up! In a circle!’

Everyone stood, arms going around teammates’ shoulders. The captain stood in the middle, rotating slowly. ‘Look me in the eye, every one of you. Good, I can feel it, I can see it. You want this. First tackles: make them count. I want them knocked on their arses before they even think about getting a drive on. Right boys, let’s get out there!’

As they marched towards the doors in single file, the coach, an ex-Royal Marine with no neck, stepped forward and yanked Jon to one side. Quietly, he said, ‘Slicer, you missed the match at theirs, but the open-side flanker did all the damage. He’s a dirty bastard, creeping offside, handling the ball in rucks, killing it every time he could. If he even shows a finger on our side of the ball, I want him taken care of. Understood?’

‘OK, Senior,’ Jon nodded.

The bar after the match was packed with people from both clubs, but the eyes of the Ironsides players were brighter. Standing around in small clusters, they went over the highlights of the match — the try-scoring moments, the big hits, the slick passing.

Jon stood at the end of the bar, a tubi-grip packed with ice covering his right hand. He took another gulp from his pint of orange juice and lemonade, his body still crying out for fluids after the demands of the match.

The captain stepped over to him and nodded. ‘Great game today, Jon.’

‘Cheers,’ he replied, eyes shifting to the other side of the bar where a group from the opposition team were sitting.

The captain saw the direction of his gaze. ‘I just had a word. He’s a bit groggy, but otherwise fine. That was some punch you gave him.’

Jon shrugged. ‘He was asking for it all afternoon.’ Despite the casualness of his answer, he felt relieved. He always did what he needed to win a match, but after the final whistle he knew the opposition were ordinary people like him. They also had jobs and families to feed. And they couldn’t do that if they were off work with concussion.

‘How’s the hand?’ his captain asked.

‘It’ll be OK.’

‘You ready for a beer?’

Jon glanced down at his near-empty glass. ‘No, mate, I need to be going.’

The captain nodded in unspoken understanding. ‘See you at training?’

‘I’ll try and make it. This case I’m on is a bastard, though.’ He finished off his drink and slipped out of the side door.

Punch scrabbled to his feet as Jon stepped into the kitchen. Alice and his younger sister, Ellie, were sitting with heads bowed over a magazine. He swung his kitbag so it slid across the linoleum towards the washing machine, then reached out to his dog. Punch immediately sniffed his injured hand.

Jon was marvelling at the dog’s ability to sense injuries when

Alice said, ‘Jesus Christ!’

‘What?’

‘Your hand. It’s like a bloody balloon. What happened?’

Jon held it up, as if noticing it for the first time. ‘Oh, someone stamped on it, I think.’

‘Oh, yeah, I’ve heard that one before,’ Ellie said with an impish grin. ‘Sure someone’s face didn’t run into your fist?’

Jon shot her a look.

‘Why you play that stupid game, I don’t know,’ Alice sighed.

‘There’s ice in the freezer compartment.’

Jon opened the fridge. ‘Want a beer, little sis?’

‘Oh, go on, then.’

‘Alice? Anything to drink?’

‘No, I’m fine, thanks.’

He took two cans off the top shelf, sprang the tabs a little awkwardly with his left hand and put one on the kitchen table.

‘What rubbish are you two reading?’ he asked, peering down at the glossy magazine spread out between them.

‘It’s an article called “Botox Babes”,’ Ellie replied without looking up.

The text was interspersed with photos of famous females snapped outside the premises of well-known cosmetic surgeons.

‘Ha!’ said Alice triumphantly. ‘I knew she was looking too damn good.’

‘You’re right,’ Ellie answered. ‘What was that premiere she appeared at looking dog rough?’

Jon realised he was well and truly excluded from the conversation. He emptied the ice tray into the sink, scooped up a handful of cubes and placed them in a tea towel. Twisting it into a knot, he swung it hard on to the floor. There was a sharp crack and the ice shattered. Punch immediately started to sniff tentatively at the point of impact.

Jon sat down, then reached his left hand across to Alice’s swollen stomach. ‘How’s the wee one?’

‘Sleeping at the moment. But he was kicking like a bugger earlier on.’

Jon smiled and sat back.

A page was turned and, pointing at the magazine, Ellie said,

‘Oh, I was thinking about going on this diet. It’s worked for loads of celebrities.’

Jon cocked his head to look at her. ‘You don’t need to lose any weight.’

Ellie smiled. ‘Aah, thanks.’ Her attention went straight back to the page. ‘It looks really simple. And you can still have the occasional treat.’

‘Alice,’ said Jon, ‘tell her. She doesn’t need to lose weight.’ But Alice was studying the page. ‘Yeah, it does look good.

Maybe we could go on it together, once the baby’s here. I’ll definitely need to lose a bit then.’

Jon looked despairingly at Punch. ‘Fancy watching The

Simpsons?’

He’d just settled into his armchair when Alice leaned through the doorway. ‘Don’t get too comfortable. We’re going out, remember?’

Jon made a show of slowly stretching out his legs, racking his brain for what had been arranged.

‘You’ve forgotten, haven’t you? Christ, Jon, you can be crap.’

He massaged a non-existent pain in his knee, mind furiously working. ‘No, I hadn’t.’

‘So where are we off to, then?’

Just as the silence reached breaking point, he remembered.

‘The parenting class at the health centre. Is it time to go already?’

Alice kept looking at him, suspicion showing in her eyes.

‘Yeah, six thirty, just like the last three weeks. You’re driving.’ She manoeuvred her stomach back out of the doorway into the hall. Wistfully, Jon put his can of beer on the table. The atmosphere in the meetings made him cringe, something about the happy looks on the organisers’ faces as they cheerfully outlined all the trauma ahead. Or it could be the fixed smiles of the parents-to-be, happily grinning but all betrayed by the trepidation shining in their eyes.

‘See you later, Punch,’ he said, switching off the telly and walking resignedly to the door. Out in the corridor he could hear Ellie clattering about in the kitchen. ‘You cooking, little sis?’

‘Yeah. Only spaghetti, though. See you in a bit.’

‘Good evening. Tea or coffee?’ The elderly woman beamed at them as he held the health centre’s swing doors open for Alice. After picking up their drinks, they proceeded across the tiles of felt carpet and into the meeting room. The hard plastic chairs were half taken by other couples and a pair of slightly embarrassed-looking women sitting on their own.

Jon glanced around, wondering how many of the other men resented the fact the classes had been arranged on Saturday nights. Quite a few, he guessed, judging from the looks on most of their faces.

He and Alice sat down, nodding hello to the couple beside them. Jon noted the prison tattoos on the man’s fingers and wondering how many times he’d been inside.

‘Oooof, that’s a relief,’ said Alice, stretching her feet out in exact imitation of the woman next to her.

‘Innit?’ she agreed. ‘My ankles are so swollen it feels like I’m on a plane the whole time.’

Alice smiled, ‘Have you tried any of those soothing creams they do for feet? They’re lovely.’

‘No, but that sounds a great idea.’

The two women slipped easily into conversation about their shared experiences of pregnancy. Jon and the other man sat back, Jon relieved that the presence of their partners between them prevented conversation.

‘Lovely to see so many of you here,’ said the health visitor a few minutes later. She started drawing plain blue curtains across the windows. ‘This evening we’re watching the birth video I mentioned last week. It’s not something you get to see on an average night’s television, but it’s well worth witnessing in advance of your own births I can assure you.’

Jon sipped his tea, realising to his annoyance there was no sugar in it.

‘OK,’ the health visitor continued. ‘Are we all sitting comfortably?’ She turned the telly on, then stood to one side with the remote for the video in her hand. Holding it within an inch of the machine, she pressed a button. The screen remained blank.

‘Oh, bother,’ she said, instantly flustered. ‘This was all meant to have been set up. Mary, can you work this thing? The little screen on the video recorder says it’s playing.’

Jon groaned inwardly as the woman who had made their tea got up uncertainly. Hooking strands of grey hair behind her ears, she leaned towards the handset, unwilling to actually take it off her colleague. ‘I don’t know, Marjorie. Did Trevor plug the scat lead thingy in?’

‘He said it was all ready. I don’t know.’ Marjorie thrust the remote at the video recorder again. ‘Nothing.’

‘Is it on AV?’ Jon asked, sitting forward.

‘Sorry?’ she replied, sounding relieved and instantly offering the handset to him.

Jon stood up and, after checking the leads were properly in at the back, pressed the TV/AV button. Immediately the screen was filled by a close-up of the view between a woman’s legs and a fast panting filled the room. ‘Unless this is one of Trevor’s private collection, I think we’re in luck.’

‘Quite, thank you,’ Marjorie replied, a tight smile on her face as a couple of the men suppressed snorts of laughter.

Jon sat down, only to receive a sharp jab in the ribs from

Alice.

Screaming started and a bulbous blue lump started trying to push its way out of the woman. Blood and slime were smeared across her inner thighs.

‘We’ve missed the first bit, but never mind,’ announced Marjorie. ‘As you can see, the baby’s head is just showing. The mother has been in labour for five hours and is fully dilated. Everything’s in the right place.’

Her screams faded into sobs and a voice off-camera said,

‘That’s brilliant. You’re doing brilliantly, Karen. Tell me when you feel the next contractions coming. Have some gas and air if you like.’

The camera panned upwards, revealing the distended belly, then the head and shoulders of a wild-haired woman. Jon was shocked to see she was totally naked, enormous and swollen nipples pointing off to the sides.

An ashen-faced man was sitting by the head of the bed, holding a plastic mask over her face. When he saw the camera was on them he tried to arrange the sheet across her breasts. As soon as they were covered she yanked it off again, eagerly gasping away behind the mask. He tried to take it off her face after a few more seconds and her hand clamped instantly over his, fingernails biting deep into his flesh.

‘Karen here opted for a natural birth. At first. By the time she changed her mind, it was too late for an epidural,’ Marjorie intoned.

Alice angled her head towards Jon. ‘I want every drug they’ve got. Understand?’

‘You’ve got it.’

‘Oh God, oh God, oh God,’ the woman on the screen started repeating.

Jon saw the muscles in her thighs snap tight. ‘Oh Jesus, this is worse than that scene in Alien,’ he whispered, making Alice choke on her sip of tea.

On the screen a pair of hands reached out and grasped the top of the baby’s skull. ‘OK, push Karen. This is it. Push!’

There was no way the head could fit through, Jon thought. A nerve-shredding shriek erupted and suddenly the head popped out. A glistening blue body laced with a waxy substance quickly followed, releasing a gush of bloody fluid behind. Unable to watch any more, Jon shut his eyes and heard the health visitor say, ‘Now, as you can see, Karen is bleeding quite heavily from a tear here, but the hospital staff are waiting for the afterbirth to emerge before giving her some internal stitches.’

Jon thought of the cold can of beer on his living-room table. The film ended a few minutes later and he was able to open his eyes again.

‘So,’ said Marjorie, pulling back the curtains, ‘you’ve now seen one of the most incredible things Mother Nature has to offer. And soon you’ll be witnessing it for yourselves.’

She smiled at a room full of grey faces.

Jon took Alice’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. ‘I’ll be there for you, Ali,’ he whispered.

She looked up at him and murmured, ‘You might want to wear gardening gloves to the delivery.’

‘What do you mean?’

She sank her nails into the soft skin on the back of his injured hand. ‘If my birthing’s any where near as horrendous as that, I fully intend you to share in the pain.’

Jon tried to extricate his hand, but she dug a little deeper, the sweetest of smiles on her face.