The Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help

Sid Vicious played a four-string Fender bass guitar and couldn’t sing

And everybody hated him except the ones who loved him

A ukulele has four strings; but Sid did not play ukulele

He did smack (and probably killed his girlfriend Nancy Spungen)…

If only Sid had had a ukulele, maybe he would have been happy

Maybe he would not have suffered such a sad end

He maybe would have not done all that heroin instead

He maybe would’ve sat around just singing nice songs to his girlfriend

So play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong!

‘Cause even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing!

Do your homework with a fork!

And eat your Froot Loops in the dark!

And bring your Etch-A-Sketch to work!

And play your ukulele!

Ukulele small and fierceful!

Ukulele brave and peaceful!

You can play the ukulele too, it is painfully simple!

Play your ukulele badly, play your ukulele loudly!

Ukulele banish evil!

Ukulele save the people!

Ukulele gleaming golden from the top of every steeple!

Lizzie Borden took an axe, and gave her mother forty hacks

Then gave her father forty-one, and left a tragic puzzle

If only they had given her an instrument, those Puritans

Had lost the plot completely

See what happens when you muzzle

A person’s creativity, and do not let them sing and scream

(and nowadays it’s worse ‘cause kids have automatic handguns)

It takes about an hour to teach someone to play the ukulele

About the same to teach someone to build a standard pipe bomb

YOU DO THE MATH!

So play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong!

‘Cause even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing!

Do your homework with a fork!

And eat your Froot Loops in the dark!

And bring your flask of Jack to work!

And play your ukulele!

Ukulele, thing of wonder!

Ukulele, wand of thunder!

You can play the ukulele too!

In London and down under!

Play ‘N Sync and play Jacques Brel!

And Eminem and Neutral Milk Ho… tel the children!

Crush the hatred!

Play your ukulele naked!

If anybody tries to steal your ukulele, LET THEM TAKE IT!!!!!

Imagine there’s no music, imagine there are no songs

Imagine that John Lennon wasn’t shot in front of his apartment

Now imagine if John Lennon had composed “Imagine” for the ukulele

Maybe people would have truly got the message

You may think my approach is simpleminded and naïve

Like if you want to change the world, then why not quit and feed the hungry

But people for millennia have needed music to survive

And that is why I promised John that I will not feel guilty

So play your favorite Beatles song!

And make the subway fall in love!

They’re only $19.95, that isn’t lots of money!

Play until the sun comes up!

And play until your fingers suffer!

Play LCD Soundsystem songs on your ukulele!!

Quit the bitching on your blog!

And stop pretending art is hard!

Just limit yourself to three chords!

And do not practice daily!

You’ll minimize some stranger’s sadness

With a piece of wood and plastic!

HOLY FUCK!!! It’s so fantastic!!! Playing ukulele!!!

Eat your homework with a fork!

And do your Fruit Loops in the dark!

Bring your Etch-A-Sketch to work!

Your flask of Jack!

Your vibrator!

Your fear of heights!

Your Nikon lens!

Your mom and dad!

Your disco stick!

Your soundtrack to Karate Kid!

Your ginsu knives!

Your rosary!

Your new Rebecca Black CD!

Your favorite room!

Your bowie knife!

Your stuffed giraffe!

Your new glass eye!

Your sousaphone!

Your breakfast tea!

Your Nick Drake tapes!

Your giving tree!

Your ice cream truck!

Your missing wife!

Your will to live!

Your urge to cry!

Remember we’re all gonna die!!!!

SO PLAY YOUR UKULELE!!!!!!!!!