The Journey to the End of the World

9

Just for once, Joel told the full story, exactly as it had happened.

He left nothing out. Samuel was able to relive the whole thing, from the moment when Joel slipped out of the hotel door. He told his dad how he’d stood in the shadows outside the building where she lived, how the door had opened and a woman wearing a green coat had come out.

Samuel listened in astonishment. When Joel got to the point where he’d been standing in the changing room holding the open handbag and the door suddenly opened, Samuel seemed to give a start.

He’s with me, Joel thought. He understands exactly what it felt like.

But Joel didn’t say anything about his visit to the Seamen’s Employment Exchange. He thought that might be too much for Samuel to take — he still looked very pale.

As Joel told his story, he kept thinking over and over again that Samuel really was very ill. But he brushed the thought aside. Stowed it away in a corner of his mind.

‘This is an amazing story you’re telling me,’ said Samuel when Joel had run out of steam. ‘But how could Jenny know that you were staying at this particular hotel?’

‘I suppose I must have mentioned the name of it. The Raven. And the man who caught me in the act must have remembered it.’

‘And so she phoned here?’

‘Yes. I thought it must be a nurse. Because she didn’t ask for you, she wanted to talk to me.’

‘All these things you are recounting are making me tired. I think I’d better lie down.’

Samuel lay on his bed. Joel sat down beside him.

It used to be the other way round, he thought. Samuel used to sit on the edge of my bed: now it’s me sitting on his.

‘What did she think of Celestine?’ Samuel asked after awhile.

‘She remembered it. From the kitchen.’

Samuel frowned.

‘Could she really remember that? It’s not just something you’re making up?’

‘No, it’s really true. She remembered it.’

‘And she wanted us to ring?’

‘Yes.’

Samuel shook his head.

‘Funny, how things turn out,’ he said. ‘We were going to track her down together, and knock on her door. But nothing happens the way you’d expected. Never ever.’

‘I have two sisters,’ said Joel. ‘Maria and Eva.’

‘Two half-sisters,’ said Samuel.

Joel said nothing. But he didn’t like the idea of having half-people as sisters.

‘Their father’s called Rydén. But he’s not there.’

Samuel pricked his ears up.

‘Where is he, then?’

‘He’s gone. I don’t know where.’

Samuel sat up.

‘Tell me what she looked like.’

Joel did his best, but he didn’t think he was very successful.

‘How was she?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Was she cheerful? Or nervous? Or what?’

‘She was nervous.’

Samuel pulled a face.

‘I should think so, too.’

There was a hard edge to his voice now. Something that surprised Joel. Something hard and firm.

‘The bottom line is that she abandoned you and me.’

Joel felt the need to defend her.

‘She said she left because it was too cold.’

‘Eh? She left because it was too cold?’

‘And too much forest. And too few people.’

‘That’s rubbish,’ said Samuel. ‘Nobody abandons their child because it’s cold.’

‘I’m only telling you what she said. Ask her yourself.’

‘I shall do, don’t worry.’

Joel thought Samuel was whingeing. Why couldn’t he just be pleased that Joel had found her?

‘There’s a lot I ought to talk to her about,’ said Samuel. ‘Lots and lots of things.’

‘If you’re going to start causing trouble, I’m not going with you.’

‘I shan’t cause trouble. But there are some things that need saying.’

‘Such as?’

‘You simply don’t do what she did. And then, afterwards, not even get in touch. All those years.’

‘She didn’t dare.’

Samuel looked angry.

‘How do you know that?’

Joel was trying to defend Jenny Rydén.

‘She said so.’

‘That she didn’t dare to get in touch?’

‘Yes.’

Samuel muttered something that Joel didn’t catch.

Then there was silence.

He can’t be all that ill, Joel thought. If he was, he wouldn’t have the strength to get so upset.

Samuel poured out some water from a carafe and took a pill.

‘How can we go and visit her tomorrow if you have to go back to the hospital?’

‘That’s exactly what I was thinking,’ said Samuel. ‘I suppose it’ll be best if you phone her and have a chat.’

‘You mean you want me to ring her?’

‘I have no desire to talk to her on the phone.’

‘Why not?’

‘The way she behaved.’

‘But that was over ten years ago.’

Samuel had stood up and walked over to the window. There was a pause before he answered.

‘I’ve never liked a woman as much as I did her,’ he said, with his back turned towards Joel. ‘Not Sara, not anybody. And she just ran off. When we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. One day she simply vanished. And left me to look after you on my own.’

Samuel turned round. His eyes looked moist.

‘I think it’s best if you phone her,’ he said. ‘Meanwhile, I’ll think about whether I really do want to meet her again.’

Joel stood up to leave for reception.

‘Didn’t she ask anything about me?’ Samuel asked.

‘Not much.’

Samuel nodded.

‘Off you go,’ he said.

Joel stood in the telephone booth and dialled the number. As he listened to it ringing at the other end, he noticed that he was sweating. It was due not only to the heat inside the cramped booth, but at least as much to his nervousness.

What should he say to Jenny Rydén? And what should he call her?

But she wasn’t the one who answered.

Joel had forgotten that he’d acquired two sisters.

‘Maria,’ he heard a girl’s voice say.

Joel slammed down the receiver. It was as if he’d been bitten. If he didn’t even know what to call Jenny Rydén, what on earth should he call his sisters? He’d only discovered their existence a few hours ago.

Then there was another question that had flashed in horror through his mind.

Did they know that he existed? That they had acquired a brother? Perhaps Jenny Rydén had never told them that there was a boy miles away in the far north of the country called Joel Gustafson?

What was it the man in the changing room had said? That Jenny Rydén had two daughters, but he’d never heard any mention of a son.

Joel left the telephone booth.

He suddenly felt devastated.

So she had never even mentioned that he existed.

Not only had she run away and abandoned them, and never bothered to get in touch.

She hadn’t even mentioned that he existed.

Joel Gustafson was a secret. He was hidden away right at the back of a wardrobe.

His devastation turned into anger.

I’ve got by without Jenny Rydén for many years, he thought. I’ll continue to get by in the future as well.

When I’ve become a sailor I shall send her a banana spider. A big, hairy spider.

With greetings. From the boy at the back of the wardrobe.

Joel sat down on a sofa in the lobby. What should he do? Perhaps it would be as well if he and Samuel forgot all about that letter from Elinor in Gothenburg?

But that wasn’t a good idea either.

Joel got up wearily from the sofa and went back to the telephone booth. He counted up to ten, gave the receiver a good shaking, as if it had been an enemy of his, and dialled the number once more.

The same girl’s voice answered.

‘I’d like to speak to Jenny Rydén.’

‘Are you Joel?’

Joel gave a start. So she did know that he existed. But how long had she known? He realised also that it was his northern accent that had given the game away.

‘I’m your sister,’ said Maria. ‘When are we going to meet?’

‘That’s what I want to talk to Jenny about.’

‘You do talk funny!’

You stupid little brat, Joel thought.

‘Can I speak to Jenny?’

‘I’ll go and get her.’

Joel forced himself not to slam down the receiver again. Jenny answered. Joel explained the situation. How Samuel had to go back to the hospital the next day.

‘Is it serious?’

‘No. He’s just going to have some blood tests. But he wonders if we can meet this evening instead.’

She thought for a moment before answering. Joel could hear Maria saying something in the background. And there was another voice as well: that must be Eva.

Good Lord, what a row they’re making! Joel thought. I want peace and quiet when I’m there. I’ll teach them how to behave.

‘Yes,’ said Jenny. ‘That’ll be all right. But I’d like to meet Samuel on his own first. It was such a long time ago. And I’m so nervous.’

‘Where do you want to meet?’ Joel asked.

‘In the square,’ she said. ‘Where you thought the grocer’s shop was. At quarter past six.’

When Joel left the telephone booth he saw that it was five o’clock already. It took at least half an hour to walk to the square. He ran up the stairs.

Samuel didn’t want to go. He complained that there wasn’t enough time. He needed to get ready.

‘All you need to do is have a shave and change your shirt,’ said Joel.

But Samuel carried on protesting. He didn’t want to.

In the end he didn’t have time to get shaved, only to change his shirt. Then Joel almost frogmarched him out of the room.

‘I don’t want to go,’ said Samuel.

‘Too bad. It’s decided now,’ said Joel.

They arrived at the square at dead on a quarter past six. There were a lot of people milling around, but Joel spotted her immediately. She was standing beside a shop window on the other side of the square. He pointed her out.

‘There,’ he said.

Samuel couldn’t see her.

‘She’s wearing a blue jacket.’

Then Samuel spotted her as well.

‘I’m not going over there,’ he said. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘She’s the one who wanted to see you,’ said Joel. ‘You don’t need to say anything at all. All you need do is listen.’

‘I don’t want to anyway.’

Joel thought Samuel was acting like a little kid.

‘Get going,’ he said. ‘But don’t start causing trouble. I’ll wait here.’

Samuel reluctantly shuffled off. Joel ran after him.

‘Put your shoulders back,’ he said.

Samuel tried to straighten up.

Joel stood and watched him go. It struck him that everything had been so different once upon a time. Then Jenny and Samuel would no doubt have run towards each other.

If they hadn’t done that, Joel wouldn’t be standing where he was now.

Samuel was almost there. Jenny had seen him. But she didn’t go to meet him, she stayed by the shop window.

Then he saw them shaking hands. He wished he’d been much closer to them. So that he could hear what they said.

He saw they were standing about a metre apart. But what were they saying? He tried to imagine, but his mind was a complete blank.

But then something happened. Samuel took a step towards her. He raised an arm. Joel’s heart missed a beat. Was Samuel going to hit her?

Then he lowered his arm again. Jenny Rydén walked past him. She was walking fast. Samuel followed her. He was waving his arms about. Joel still couldn’t hear what they were saying.

Then Samuel stopped. Jenny continued walking. She was almost running. Joel was bewildered. What had happened?

That stupid idiot Samuel, he thought. He started arguing. And now she’s going away again.

He didn’t know who to run after. In the end, it was Samuel despite everything.

‘What did you do?’ Joel shouted. ‘What did you say? Why did she leave? Were you going to hit her?’

‘I just told her a few home truths,’ said Samuel. ‘I said what I’ve been wanting to say to her every day since she left us.’

‘What?’

‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s go back to the hotel.’

‘You can go yourself.’

Samuel stopped dead.

‘What did you say?’

‘I said you can go back to the hotel on your own. I want to know what you said.’

‘I told her I thought she was a bloody shit heap.’

Joel gaped at him.

‘Why did you say that?’

‘Because that’s what I think. You don’t abandon your son like that. You don’t run away simply because you think the winters are too long. That’s what I told her. But she didn’t like it.’

Samuel was so upset that he was shaking.

‘I said what I’d made up my mind I was going to say. Now I’ve finished with her. I’m not going to give her another thought. Not a single one for the rest of my life.’

‘But what about me?’

Joel thought his voice had turned into a squeak.

‘But what about me?’ he said again. His voice was back to normal now.

‘That’s up to you,’ said Samuel. ‘She’s your mother. If you want to meet her, do.’

Samuel set off walking. Joel ran after him and raised an arm. Just like Samuel had done to Jenny. Samuel noticed and ducked away. Then they stood facing each other in the middle of the square, staring.

‘Were you going to hit me?’

‘Yes,’ said Joel. ‘Just like you were going to hit Jenny.’

Samuel grabbed hold of Joel’s arm.

‘We’re going back to the hotel now!’ he roared. ‘And when I’ve been to the hospital we’ll take the next train home.’

Joel was completely calm.

‘I’m not going with you.’

‘You mean you’re going to stay here in Stockholm?’

‘I’ve been to the Seamen’s Employment Exchange. I’m going to sign on with a ship. I can’t wait for you any longer.’

Samuel was silent for a while.

‘Hmm,’ he said eventually. ‘Hmm, so that’s what you’ve done, is it?’

‘It’s not too late for you to do the same.’

Samuel looked thoughtfully at him.

‘Maybe not. Maybe not.’

They started walking back to the hotel.

Samuel suddenly stopped dead.

‘I don’t regret it,’ he said. ‘I don’t regret saying what I did to Jenny. You have to understand that. What she did to us is something I can’t forgive her for. You don’t necessarily have to see it the same way. Do you see what I mean?’

‘No,’ said Joel. ‘But just now I couldn’t give a toss.’

As they approached the hotel, Samuel stopped outside abar.

‘A Pilsner would be just the thing right now,’ he said.

‘No,’ said Joel. ‘It wouldn’t be just the thing at all. Besides, you have to go to the hospital tomorrow without having had anything to eat or drink.’

‘I don’t think a Pilsner would do any harm.’

‘We’regoing back to the hotel,’ said Joel. ‘No Pilsner.’

They got up early next day. Joel went to the café for breakfast and Samuel took a bus to the hospital. Joel had money from Samuel to pay the photographer, but it would be several hours before the studio opened. Meanwhile he wandered around the streets, wondering if he dared to phone Jenny. Or should he simply write her a letter?

Samuel is an idiot. Greetings, Joel.

He found it hard to make up his mind.

He suddenly noticed the girl who had asked him for a cigarette the previous day. She was sitting on a bench, by herself, reading a magazine. Joel went to a kiosk and bought four loose cigarettes. Then he approached the bench.

‘It took a little while,’ he said, ‘so you can have four to make up for the delay.’

The girl didn’t recognise him at first. Then she burst out laughing.

‘You’re mad!’ she said.

She put the cigarettes in her pocket.

Then she stood up and walked away. Without even saying thank you.

Joel was disappointed. Despite the fact that he didn’t really know what he’d expected, or hoped for.

He thought of Sonja Mattsson, who had been naked underneath a transparent net curtain.

Things will be better once I go to sea, he thought. Then there’ll be no stopping me.

He went to the photography studio and had his pictures taken. Then he looked up the address of the sailors’ doctor.

The waiting room was packed.

It occurred to Joel that in away, both he and Samuel were in their respective hospitals.

And Jenny was working in a third.

He eventually got to see the doctor, who instructed Joel to take down his trousers. He then felt around Joel’s groin and pronounced him fit. He was issued with a certificate, which he took to the Seamen’s Employment Exchange.

They told him he should call back after a couple of days and collect his seaman’s discharge book.

He was just about to leave when he heard a voice behind him say:

‘Karmas requires a steward and an engine room assistant.’

Two men stood up and went to a hatch in the wall.

It’s my turn next, Joel thought.

The problem was what Samuel intended to do. Had he been serious? Was he really considering going to sea again? You never knew with Samuel. He could change his mind whenever it suited him.

But it was possible. Maybe he really had decided he’d had enough of wandering through the forests with an axe and a saw in his hand.

In that case, what would they do with the house by the river? And all the furniture? Joel decided he couldn’t face waiting any longer. Samuel would have to follow on later.

Joel wandered around town for a few more hours. He paused twice to buy and eat a hot dog.

Then he went back to the hotel.

No sign of Samuel yet.

But when he collected his key, the bald man gave him an envelope.

It was a letter. From Jenny Rydén.