The Journey to the End of the World

7

Joel would look back on that night as the moment when he grew up once and for all. When he slowly opened the door of his hotel room, it was as if he were really opening the door to his future.

He left his childhood behind him in the corridor.

He would never forget it. Never ever.

Samuel sitting on the edge of the bed holding a hand over his stomach. His pyjama jacket unbuttoned. His face ashen.

And the words:

I have a terrible stomachache. I think I’m going to die.

It was several seconds before it sank in. Before he grasped properly that nothing was as he’d thought it would be. A dark room and Samuel snoring in his bed.

Instead he was sitting on the edge of the bed and was in pain.

He had so much pain that it hurt Joel as well.

And then he felt scared.

What he had felt when he’d been caught red-handed with Jenny Rydén’s handbag was nothing compared to this. Now he was seriously scared. His heart started pounding, like a fist beating at a door.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asked, and could hear his voice trembling.

Samuel shook his head.

He really was in agony. Joel could see the pain oozing out from his father’s eyes, from his nose, from his tousled hair and his worn-out pyjamas.

‘I woke up,’ said Samuel. ‘I’d been dreaming that I had a stomachache. But when I woke up I found it wasn’t just a dream.’

Joel had sat down beside Samuel. He’d started to feel cold now. He didn’t know if it was due to his wet clothes or because he was scared. But it didn’t matter either way. The important thing was that Samuel was in pain.

Samuel was rocking back and forth. The pain came and went.

‘Perhaps you ought to go to the lavatory?’ said Joel.

Samuel shook his head again. Joel could see that he was in so much pain that he was sweating.

‘It’ll pass,’ said Samuel. ‘But it hurts something awful.’

They sat for a while in silence. The pain wandered back and forth between them. Joel tried to think. What could he do? What did Samuel generally do when Joel had a stomachache? Give him something to drink. Or say he should try to be sick.

‘Perhaps you ought to be sick?’ he said.

Samuel shook his head for the third time.

‘It’s not that. This is different.’

Then he lay down gingerly, holding on tight to the bed frame with one hand. Joel stayed sitting where he was. He was now so cold that he started shivering.

More than ten minutes passed. Joel counted the minutes by Samuel’s watch, which was lying on the bedside table.

‘It feels as if it’s easing off a bit,’ said Samuel.

Joel’s pain immediately started to ease as well.

Samuel closed his eyes. Joel stood up carefully and took off his wet clothes. When he looked at Samuel again he saw that his dad had opened his eyes.

‘Is it any better?’

Samuel nodded.

‘Where have you been?’ he asked. ‘In the middle of the night?’

Joel realised that Samuel hadn’t seen his note.

‘I just nipped down into the street. I couldn’t sleep.’

Samuel turned his head slowly and looked at his watch. It was past two.

‘I’ve never understood why you always go wandering around at night,’ he said. ‘You’ve done it ever since you were a little lad. You go riding round on your bike. Or you lie down and go to sleep in a bed outside in the garden. In the middle of winter.’

Joel looked at him in astonishment.

So Samuel knew all about what Joel had always thought was a secret: that Joel went out on his bike at night and rode around the streets of the little town where they lived. He’d known about it, but never said anything.

It seemed that Samuel understood Joel’s astonishment.

He smiled.

‘You didn’t think I knew about it,’ he said.

‘No.’

‘You didn’t think I’d woken up when you crept out as quietly as you could?’

‘No.’

‘But I did. I wondered what you were up to, of course. But I thought it better not to ask.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because you always came back. I suppose I thought you must be going on one of your adventures.’

Joel wanted to ask more questions, but Samuel raised a hand to indicate that he shouldn’t do. The pain was coming back.

It immediately came back to Joel as well.

They carried on like this until morning. But without Joel being able to remember how it happened, he had evidently gone to bed and fallen asleep.

And he had dreamt. It seemed as if he were running around inside himself. As if it were raining inside his head. Samuel had been trying to open an umbrella, but the umbrella turned into a bird that suddenly flapped away.

Joel woke up with a start. At first he didn’t know where he was. Then it all came back to him. When he turned his head he saw that Samuel’s bed was empty. He jumped out of bed in panic. As he did so the door opened and Samuel walked in. He had started getting dressed. But his braces were hanging down, which must mean he had been to the lavatory. Joel could see that he was still in pain.

Samuel sat down on the edge of his bed. He looked even more ashen now, as the morning light shone in through the gap in the curtains.

‘It’s only five o’clock,’ he said, ‘but I think I’d better go to the hospital.’

It was immediately clear to Joel that his dad must be in far more pain than he could comprehend. Samuel would never normally even consider the possibility of going to a doctor. Never mind a hospital.

‘I’ll come with you,’ said Joel, starting to pick up his clothes which were still wet.

‘No,’ said Samuel. ‘It’ll be better if you stay here at the hotel. You never know how long it’s going to take at a hospital. I’ll give you some money for food. I’ve spoken to the woman down in reception.’

‘But what can I do here?’ Joel complained, realising that he sounded like a whining child.

‘You’ll manage,’ said Samuel. ‘I’ll phone from the hospital if it’s going to take a really long time.’

His tone of voice was very firm, and Joel could see there would be no point in protesting. He sat down on his bed and watched Samuel getting dressed. He was obviously in great pain. Every movement hurt.

‘A taxi is coming to pick me up,’ he said, taking out his wallet.

‘I’ve got some money,’ said Joel.

Samuel seemed surprised.

‘You mean you’ve got some money of your own?’

‘I’ve got fifteen kronor. That’ll be enough.’

Samuel took out three ten-kronor notes and put them on the bed.

‘It’s better to have too much than too little,’ he said. ‘But you don’t need to spend it all. Unless it’s necessary.’

Joel helped Samuel on with his jacket.

‘Is it serious?’

Samuel pulled a face.

‘No,’ he said. ‘I’ll be OK as long as I can get to a doctor.’

That told Joel that it really was serious.

Samuel was afraid. And he was a bad liar. Much worse than Joel.

Joel wanted to go down to the lobby with him, but Samuel pointed at the bed.

‘You’ve got to get some sleep,’ he said. ‘I won’t be away for long. And then we can go and look for Mummy Jenny.’

In fact, he’s only too pleased to be able to put that off, Joel thought. But he didn’t say anything.

Samuel nodded and patted him on the shoulder.

‘Everything will be OK as soon as I see a doctor,’ he said.

Samuel left. Joel looked at the picture hanging on the wall. The young man was playing the violin. The woman with the big breasts seemed to be looking straight at him. Her mouth was half open, as if she were saying something.

It won’t be OK at all, said the woman in the picture.

The violin screeched away in the background.

‘Oh yes it will,’ said Joel.

Then he carefully took down the picture and leaned it against the wall. With its back to the room.

There was a lump of old chewing gum stuck to it.

Right in the middle of her backside, Joel thought angrily. Why does she have to say that things won’t be OK?

Joel hung up his clothes to dry.

Then he snuggled down between the sheets again.

After a while he moved over to Samuel’s bed. He tried to picture Samuel in his mind’s eye. Getting out of the taxi and entering the hospital.

But he was far too tired. His thoughts ran away from him. He was soon fast asleep.

He was woken up by somebody tapping on his head. He tried to duck down under the covers, but the tapping continued. As he became increasingly wide awake, he realised that it was in fact somebody belting hard on the door. He wound a blanket round his naked body and went to open it. There was a chambermaid standing outside. She looked angry.

‘It’s nearly midday,’ she said. ‘If this room is going to get cleaned today, I need to do it now.’

Midday, Joel wondered, somewhat confused. Had he really slept for as long as that?

‘I’ll be back in ten minutes,’ said the chambermaid.

Joel closed the door. Samuel had taken his watch with him. He started to get dressed as quickly as he could. His clothes were dry, so he must have been asleep for a long time.

When the chambermaid knocked on the door again, Joel was just hanging the picture back up on the wall. He wondered if the chambermaid would need paying. And where was Samuel? Why hadn’t he come back?

The chambermaid came in and gave him a dirty look.

‘How on earth can anybody stay in bed until twelve o’clock?’ she said. ‘But it’s none of my business, I suppose.’

Exactly, Joel thought.

‘There’s a lump of chewing gum stuck on the back of the picture,’ he said. ‘But it wasn’t me who put it there.’

Then he left. Before she had time to say anything.

On the way down to reception he tried to make up his mind what he was going to do. He was hungry. But where was Samuel? He could feel his fear beginning to return.

The bald man was back on duty. He nodded to Joel, and gave him a friendly smile.

‘I’m sorry to hear that your dad has been taken ill.’

‘He’ll soon be OK again,’ said Joel. ‘Hasn’t he rung?’

‘Not yet. But it usually takes a long time at hospital.’

Joel looked at the wall clock. Ten minutes past twelve. He’d slept half the day away. But at least he’d made good use of the bed Samuel had paid for. That was some consolation. Not much, though.

‘It’s stopped raining,’ said the man, pointing towards the window. ‘I think it would do you good to get some fresh air.’

‘But what if Samuel rings while I’m out?’

‘I’ll make a note of what he says for you.’

Joel nodded. He really did need to go out. Not least in order to get something to eat.

When he came out into the street he could feel the heat. People were dressed for summer. Many of them looked cheerful.

They haven’t got a father who’s ill, Joel thought glumly. And they don’t have a mother who ran away either.

He went to the café where they’d eaten the previous day. Joel was pleased to see that one of the waitresses recognised him and gave him a smile. He sat down at the same table as last time. First in Samuel’s seat. Then he moved to the other side.

‘Where’s your friend?’ asked the waitress as she placed a menu on the table. It occurred to Joel that she looked like the woman in the picture. The one with a lump of chewing gum stuck to her bottom.

‘He’s my dad,’ he said. ‘He’s eaten already.’

‘Mashed turnips with pork,’ said the waitress. ‘Or herring.’

‘Herring, please. And a glass of milk.’

The waitress wiped down the table and left. Joel watched her go, to make sure there was no chewing gum stuck to her black skirt.

Then he wondered why he could never bring himself to tell the truth. That Samuel had stomach pains and was at the hospital. Why had he claimed that his dad had already eaten?

He couldn’t think of a suitable answer.

His head was completely empty.

When he’d finished eating and left the café, he didn’t know what to do. He ought to go back to the hotel and ask if Samuel had phoned. But something told him it was too soon yet.

He started walking down the street. The night in the old people’s home, the woman in the green coat, the man who had discovered him, it all felt as if it had never happened.

We should never have come to Stockholm, he thought. If that confounded Elinor hadn’t written that letter, Jenny would still have been missing. Which would have been just as well.

We should never have come here. Samuel would never have had stomach pains if we’d stayed at home. Maybe all that shaking on the train ruined his stomach?

A shop window attracted his attention. There was a large map of the world hanging in it. He pressed his nose against the glass and tried to find Pitcairn Island. He found it eventually. A tiny little dot in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

He stood for ages gazing at the map. Thinking about the MS Karmas being unloaded. Perhaps it had already left the dock and was heading out to sea again? Once again he could picture himself and Samuel walking up the gangway.

He dragged himself away from the shop window. It was half past one now. He’d go back to the hotel in an hour’s time. Samuel might have returned by then? Or telephoned, at least?

He came to a square with stalls selling fruit and vegetables. He hesitated for a moment, then bought an apple. He sat down on a bench to eat it. There were people everywhere. And all of them were in a hurry. He wondered where they were going to. To help pass the time he tried to count the number of passers-by wearing sandals, but he soon got tired of that. Two girls sat down on the bench. They were about his own age. They were talking loudly about somebody called Knut who had done something silly. One of them looked at Joel, who felt embarrassed.

‘Have you got a fag?’ the girl asked.

Her voice was shrill and she spoke fast. As if it wasn’t just people’s legs that were in a hurry, but their voices as well.

‘I’ve run out,’ said Joel.

‘Why don’t you buy some more, then?’

‘I shall,’ said Joel, standing up.

‘Hurry up, then,’ screeched the girl. ‘What’s your name?’

‘Rickard,’ said Joel.

Then he walked away. And didn’t go back.

He tried to walk as fast as everybody else was doing, and to barge his way forward.

But he didn’t know how to do it. No matter what he did, somebody always got in front of him. Beat him to the next paving stone, the next street corner, the next shop window. He was always last.

I’ve had enough of this, he thought. When Samuel gets back from the hospital we’re either going to go back home, or to the Seamen’s Employment Exchange.

The hour was up at last. Joel went to the hotel reception and looked expectantly at the bald man, who shook his head ruefully. Samuel hadn’t rung.

‘It always takes time at hospital,’ he said. ‘You have to be patient.’

Joel decided to walk up the stairs, and did so slowly. It was like climbing up an incredibly high mountain. Every step needed all his strength. When he came to the room, the door was locked. The chambermaid had obviously left the key at reception. But why hadn’t the bald man said anything?

Joel hurtled down the stairs. Just as he reached the desk, the man behind it remembered.

‘You forgot the key,’ he said.

Who forgot it? Joel wondered. You or me?

He trudged up the stairs again. To make it easier he imagined that he was really clambering up some steep cliffs.

He unlocked the door. Remembered what had happened during the night. Pictured Samuel sitting on the bed, clutching his stomach.

He lay down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

Then he checked to see if the chambermaid had removed the chewing gum.

She hadn’t.

Then he pulled down the blind.

Stood in front of the mirror and thought he looked like the very devil.

Back to his bed again. Now the girl with the shrill voice was sitting on the edge of the bed. Wondering if he had any fags.

He tried to imitate her voice.

Then she lay down next to him. For the first time since he’d woken up, several minutes passed without him thinking about Samuel.

There was a knock on the door.

Joel leapt out of bed.

Samuel, he thought.

But when he opened the door, it was the chambermaid.

‘You’re wanted on the telephone,’ she said.

Joel flew downstairs. But he had no control over the propellers or the wings, and just as he was about to land in reception he tripped over the edge of a carpet and flew headlong over the floor. He knocked over a pile of suitcases belonging to a newly arrived traveller. The bald man burst out laughing and pointed to a little booth with a telephone. Joel closed the door behind him, took a deep breath and picked up the receiver.

‘Joel here,’ he said. ‘Where are you? How are you? When are you coming? I’m here at the hotel, waiting for you.’

There was no answer. All he heard was a little click. The line went dead. He shouted in vain at the receiver. But Samuel wasn’t there. Nobody was there. He replaced the receiver and went back to the desk.

‘There was nobody there,’ he said.

‘Really?’

‘What did he say?’

‘Who?’

‘Samuel. My father.’

‘It was a woman asking for you. Presumably a nurse.’

‘But why was I cut off?’

‘It happens. No doubt they’ll ring again.’

Joel sat down to wait. After half an hour he gave up and went back up the stairs.

They weren’t a mountain any longer.

They were an abyss.

He lay down on the bed to wait. Then he got up, took Samuel’s penknife and scraped the chewing gum off the back of the picture.

‘Don’t say anything,’ he said to the woman in the painting.

Then he hung it up again.

He went down the corridor to the toilet.

When he came back he couldn’t be bothered to lie down again.

He tried to improve the repair to the broken handle on Samuel’s suitcase.

In the end it came off altogether.

Just then there was another knock on the door.

Joel leapt to his feet.

Opened the door.

There was a woman standing outside. Wearing a blue jacket.

But Joel recognised her immediately.

Despite the fact that the night before, she had been wearing a green coat when she emerged from the front door of Östgötagatan 32.