The Secrets of a Lady

Chapter Seventeen

“Oh yes, that horrifies you, doesn’t it?” Griffin asked with a shake his head. “As well it should. One shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, especially one’s wife, and yet I hate her. I despise her with every fiber in my being.”

Audrey stepped closer and blinked back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. They weren’t for the anger in Griffin’s voice, but the anguish in his eyes.

“What you see in me isn’t horror. This is just the first time I’ve heard this from your own lips. Others have implied you weren’t happy, but I didn’t know if that was idle gossip. I know how the ton can be, finding reasons to malign when there are none.”

Closing his eyes, Griffin lifted his head to face the ceiling high above. From his pained expression, it was clear his emotions tormented him. She had never felt such sharp waves of pain emanating from a person before.

“No,” he whispered. “They weren’t gossiping. It’s the truth.”

Sucking in a short breath, she finally dared to touch him, very gently, on the top of his hand. His eyes flew to where her fingers rested, but he didn’t flinch away. For that she was glad. Somehow she needed to touch him, to comfort him while he told her the truth he’d kept hidden for so long.

“Was it always that way? From the beginning?”

He shook his head. “Not from the beginning. When I married her, I believed I cared for her and that she cared for me. After you kissed me, I couldn’t stop thinking of you, but I convinced myself time would change that.”

Resisting the urge to stagger away again, Audrey stared at him. He’d spent the years thinking of her? She couldn’t believe that was true.

“Of me?”

“That’s right.” His voice was strangely distant as he reached out to draw his palm across her cheek. She shivered at the heat of his hands on her skin. “I had to force myself not to think of you. I did everything I could… riding, gambling and socializing with Luci and our friends. During the day, I could control my thoughts. But the nights… I couldn’t stop the dreams that haunted me.”

Audrey bit her lip and dipped her head, her breath coming in shallow little gulps as she digested what he’d revealed. A shudder rippled through her. All these years Griffin had been obsessed with her while she’d been yearning for him.

“Why did you think of me?” She didn’t dare to look up at him for fear he’d see how much his words affected her.

“Don’t you know?” He slipped a finger beneath her chin to force her to tilt her face toward him. “When you kissed me all those years ago, you woke something in me. Perhaps it was a desire I’d always felt for you, but suppressed because we were so young or because you’re Noah’s sister. But once I realized my desire, I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t keep from wanting you.”

The breath she drew in was ragged, more like a little cry than a breath at all. Her head was spinning with the words he said to her. Obsession, desire, a need to be with her. They were concepts she’d never dared to think of before. That Griffin would want and need her as much as she’d always wanted and needed him.

“But what happened with… Luci?” she asked, barely choking out the question as she tried to remain focused and rein in her out of control emotions. It was nearly impossible.

He dropped his hand back down to his side with a small sigh, as if her question brought him back to an unpleasant reality he didn’t want to face.

“Things began to change between us.”

“How?” Her voice cracked.

“Though I tried to keep my feelings for you a secret, Luci was jealous of everyone around us. Even her friends became targets of her suspicion. She grew more and more distant from me and the acquaintances she’d had all her life. She took up with new people, people I didn’t care for. She’d go out and not come home until very late, well past a reasonable hour. Even at events we attended together, she would slip away for hours at a time.”

Audrey frowned as a sense of premonition filled her. Yet Luci couldn’t have been untrue! How could someone be married to Griffin Berenger and not be satisfied with only him? After just two nights with him, she knew for a fact that she could be more than satisfied with him for the rest of her life.

Taking a deep breath, he moved away and returned to his seat. “I encouraged her to start a family. I thought becoming a mother would settle her down, that we’d be brought closer. I believed that with children we would become a real family. No more anger or fights between us. No more late hours and lies.”

Closing his eyes, Griffin drew in a long breath, as if it pained him to say what he said next. “She laughed.”

“Laughed?”

Stricken by Luci’s viciousness, Audrey crossed the room to sit down on the chair beside his and cover his hand with her own. Luci’s betrayal had devastated Griffin, and she hadn’t even cared. So he’d suffered. Greatly.

He lowered his voice to a dangerously quiet level. “She told me I would never be entirely certain if any child she carried was my own. She told me there was nothing I could do about it unless I wanted to bring shame upon myself and my family.”

Tears stung her eyes before Audrey managed to blink them away. This wasn’t her pain, it wasn’t her story to cry about. Griffin looked up when she was silent.

“I’m so sorry, so very sorry, Griffin.”

The words weren’t enough. She felt stupid saying them to him. He’d been hurt. Hurt more than she could even imagine. Saying she was sorry was little more than putting a tiny binding on a gaping wound.

“Don’t be,” There was a harshness to his voice, though she didn’t feel it was necessarily directed at her. “You were right. You told me on my wedding day I would be unhappy and I was.”

“Oh, Griffin.” This time she couldn’t control the tears that began to run down her face. “I never wanted you to be unhappy. I never wished for it! I hope you know that. I wanted you to find peace and love in your marriage.”

He caught one of her tears on the tip of his finger and wiped it from her cheek. “I know. You were always kind. Even if you believed I wouldn’t be happy, you would have hoped for it regardless.”

There was a long pause, but finally he seemed to gather his resolve and spoke again. “After that, our marriage disintegrated entirely. We never shared a meal. We never spoke unless it was forced by a societal or family obligation. We didn’t share a bed. So when she told me she was carrying a child, I knew for certain the babe couldn’t be mine.”

Audrey’s hand came up to cover her mouth as she bit back another cry of shock and anguish. What the man beside her had gone through during their years apart. While she had spun around foreign ballrooms in fancy gowns, thinking she was alone, Griffin had truly been isolated. He’d had no one to turn at the lowest point of his life.

“How horrible,” she gasped.

He shrugged one shoulder. “Still, I was surprised by how deeply I mourned for her baby when Luci died.”

Audrey smiled sadly. Not many men in the ton would have felt the same way. In a world where bloodlines ruled, Griffin Berenger cared more for a child’s lost life than his true parentage. His compassion reminded Audrey how much she loved him.

“You’re an amazing man, Griffin Berenger. A true original,” she said softly, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on his warm cheek.

He turned his face to catch her lips with his own and for a moment they only held each other. When they parted, he leaned his head against the back of the chair and stared at her evenly.

“Are you going to ask me the obvious question?”

“What is the obvious question?” She smiled sadly.

It was a smile he didn’t return. “Don’t you want to know if I killed her?”

Audrey parted her lips in surprise then instantly shook her head. “No! I already know the answer. You wouldn’t, couldn’t do that. Whatever Luci’s faults, she was your wife. You took your vows seriously, even if she didn’t.”

Griffin gave a sigh of relief and a weak smile returned to his face. “I’m glad you know that without asking. Some of my family members and close friends who knew of Luci’s indiscretions did ask me.”

She drew back. “Not Noah?”

“No. Not Noah. Never Noah,” he admitted. “Luci died of complications from an early birth of her child. Much too early, I’m afraid. I did all I could to save her and the baby, but the doctor said there was no chance for either of them.”

“Griffin,” she said softly. “What can I do?”

Now he turned his eyes on her with intensity. “Do as I ask and marry me. You’ve been in my head for years. And you would be faithful to me. I know that.”

Audrey looked into his eyes, but instead of seeing love there, she saw desperation. He so needed her to say yes, but not because he loved her. He wanted her to save him in a way. To give back to him some of what Luci had stolen all those years ago.

Slowly, she pulled away to stand up. Pacing over to the window, she caught her breath as she looked down into the busy street below.

“You can’t marry someone for safety, Griffin,” she said softly. She heard him rise, but continued without allowing him to respond. “You’ve been burned by Luci’s deceptions, but controlling me, taking me from my work… marrying me isn’t the way to regain your equilibrium.”

“That isn’t what I’m trying to do!” His tone was suddenly angry.

When she turned it was to see him staring at her with a red face, his nostrils flared and his hands trembling at his sides. His pain and anger moved her, but she had no choice but to stand her ground.

“Yes, Griffin, it is what you want to do, whether you realize it or not. You want to use me as sanctuary…”

This time he did interrupt her, motioning toward the bedroom. “You think what just happened between us in my bed was a plea for sanctuary? That was passion, darling, pure and simple. We have all the ingredients for a good marriage. Why won’t you let go of your ridiculous denials?”

“We have all the ingredients but one, Griffin. Love.” She fought back the tears that closed her throat and stung her eyes. “And for me, that’s the most important ingredient. You’re afraid for my life. You want to draw me away from dangerous things. Those are sweet and noble reasons, but they’ll never erase your past, or mine. They won’t change the duty I’ve sworn to perform.”

He crossed over to her in a long step. “Damn it, Audrey!”

Instead of letting him touch her, she skirted away, fearing if he did she’d give in to his demands. She was right on the edge of doing just that already.

Here he was, offering her everything she’d once dreamed of, but now it wasn’t enough. Perhaps five years ago it would have been, but not now. She had changed too much to accept anything less from him than everything in his heart.

“This is hard enough for me,” she pleaded, moving toward the door. “But I can’t marry you. Good night.”

With that, she fled into the hallway, closing the door behind her then hurrying to her own room where she shut and locked her door. There was no need to risk Griffin bursting in to continue their argument. Her mind was made up. No matter how much it hurt her to do, she couldn’t marry him. Now if only she could convince her heart.

***

“Lord Berenger?”

Griffin looked up to see Cotter standing in the morning room door with a smile on his usually stoic face.

“Yes, Cotter, what is it?”

It took all his control to maintain his temper. The last thing he wanted were interruptions when his head was pounding from a hangover and his eyes were blurred from lack of sleep.

“You have two visitors, my lord.”

“Lord and Lady Ashton?” he asked weakly.

He’d almost forgotten his parents were even in London after the shock of Audrey turning down his proposal of marriage.

“Yes, my Lord. Shall I send them in?”

He ran a hand through his hair and nodded. “Of course. Have tea sent in and freshen up the buffet, as well.”

Cotter bowed low. “As you wish, my lord.”

Moments later, the door opened again and Cotter motioned for Griffin’s parents to enter. His mother’s hand was laced through his father’s elbow and the two were laughing at something they’d been talking about outside. They looked as happy as they’d ever been and Griffin’s heart clenched with pain. He had only ever wanted to find what his parents had shared. He’d hoped to have it with Lucinda, but he knew he could achieve it with Audrey.

But Audrey wouldn’t have him, no matter what he said.

“Good morning, Griffin…” his mother began, then stopped dead in her tracks as she finally looked directly at her son.

He winced as her sharp eyes moved up and down him in one swift motion before settling on his face. He could see her concern and her questions without her saying a word to him of either one.

“Mother.”

“I hope you don’t mind this unannounced arrival,” his father said. “But we’re leaving town today. We only came at the Queen’s invitation. With your sister so late in her confinement, Penelope wants to be close to her.”

“Of course I welcome you here, Father, but I understand,” Griffin insisted, finally forced himself to move toward them. He shook his father’s hand and embraced his mother before motioning them to join him at the table.

“Where are Audrey and Noah this morning?” his mother asked as she settled into her seat.

Griffin stared into his tea absently. Noah hadn’t come back until very late the night before and was still abed for all Griffin knew. Audrey had not come down yet.

“I’ve no idea…” he began, but was interrupted when the door to the morning room opened and the brother and sister appeared.

“Here we are.” Audrey laughed though there was a strain in her voice. “How lovely it is to break our fast with you and Lord Ashton.”

Griffin stared at the pair in amazement. Noah looked as if he’d gone to sleep at ten, not three in morning. Not even a shadow darkened his blue eyes. As for Audrey, her smile was as warm and friendly as if nothing had happened between them the night before. As if she hadn’t made love with him, then turned down his offer to be his wife. He did note she avoided even a glance in his direction, though.

“Ah, the Jordans!” Lord Ashton said with a smile. “Our time together last night was far too brief. I’m pleased we’ll get to spend a bit of time with you before we quit London this afternoon.”

“You’re leaving?” Noah’s tone was surprised but his eyes were glad.

Griffin couldn’t blame his friend for his relief. Noah had heard more than an earful at the ball about endangering Griffin’s parents.

Noah continued to speak as he snapped a napkin onto his lap. “We’ll have to make the best of the hours we have then. What about a walk in Hyde Park, straightaway?”

“Sounds fine. The weather is tolerable,” Griffin’s father replied.

“I’m feeling a bit off-color,” Griffin said with a glare toward his friend. The last thing he wanted to do was stroll around the park with Audrey and his parents, pretending she hadn’t kissed or touched him. “I believe I’ll stay here and out of the heat.”

His mother looked at him out of the corner of her brown eyes. With a smooth smile, she said, “I’ll remain with Griffin. Why don’t the three of you go ahead?”

Lord Ashton shrugged, looking at Audrey and Noah with a grin. “Shall we?”

After a flurry of finding hats and arranging carriages, the three departed. Griffin turned from the front door to find his mother staring at him with an intensity in her brown eyes he rarely saw.

“Come back to the morning room,” she said gently. “A bit of food will help settle your stomach and take away the headache too much alcohol has left behind.”

Griffin opened his mouth to protest her accusation, but she only arched an eyebrow with a smile, challenging him to deny the truth. He chose not to do so and instead took her arm and returned to the room as she’d asked.

She sat while he took a few muffins from the buffet and a small pile of eggs.

“What puts you in such a state, Griffin?” she asked when he returned to the head of the table. “Or have I already guessed the reason?”

With a frown, Griffin took a bite of his muffin. “Since I don’t know your guess, I couldn’t tell you if it’s correct or not. And I never said anything was bothering me beyond a slight pain of the head.”

“But you weren’t drinking at the ball last night,” she reasoned. “So that leads me to believe that you drank here. Alone. One who drinks alone makes liquor a partner in his troubles. What are yours?”

Griffin pursed his lips. As if his mother could ever understand.

“Audrey?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

He jolted at her correct guess. Were his feelings so plain to the world? His mother knew, Noah… even Douglas Ellison suspected.

“Why would you say that?” he asked, determined to close the discussion.

“It’s in your eyes when you look at her. And in her eyes when someone says your name,” she said with a soft smile. “I would be more than pleased at the match, but I see it brings neither of you happiness. So what’s keeping you from each other?”

Griffin rubbed his eyes and tried a sarcastic laugh. It came out more as a sigh. “Mother, you’re an incurable romantic. Did it ever occur to you that love is not for everyone?”

“Don’t judge love on a bad experience with Luci,” she said with an angry frown. “Don’t shut out love because of fear.”

He rose to slam his empty plate back on the buffet. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

“You’ve been afraid for months!” his mother argued, rising out of her seat to face him. “You hide at Bentley Square, torturing yourself over a child…” she dropped her voice. “Who wasn’t even your own. And now you have love right in front of you and refuse to take the happiness you’re offered. A happiness others long for but never get the chance to find.”

Griffin shook his head, stunned by how much his mother had guessed. “You speak of what you do not know. I no longer wish to have this discussion with you.”

He turned to leave, to walk out on his mother for the first time in his life. Her soft hand on his sleeve held him back.

“Griffin.” The heat was gone from her voice. “Please. I’m sorry to pry, and perhaps you’re right. Perhaps I don’t know. But think about what I’ve said. Don’t discard something that could change your life for the better.”

He sighed and took his mother’s hands in his. She didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand the torture in his heart when it came to Audrey.

“Your counsel is always one I take with much consideration. But right now I’d much rather walk in the gardens and talk about happier subjects. Will you join me?”

Her eyes softened as she nodded and took his arm, but he didn’t fail to notice the troubled expression that lingered as well.