Things my girlfriend and I have argued about (online version)

72

Margret bought a jacket. The purpose of this jacket, its raison d'etre, was not to provide warmth or woo the eyes or give employment to jacket makers. The purpose of this jacket was to demonstrate to me my place in the world. To provide a medium through which I might gain knowledge — much like the rustling of the leaves at the Oracle of Dodona being a means for discovering the will of Zeus. Only, you know, except with lots more polyester. Margret bought this jacket and placed it on a hanger in the hallway. Later that day, when she judged I had approximately 1,285 things I'd rather be doing, she commanded me to view it.

She takes it down from the hanger, puts it on and says, 'What do you think?'

'Well,' I say, 'if you like it…'

I hear the fire alarm go off and briefly glance up the stairs before realising that the noise is actually in my head.

'What's wrong with it?' asks Margret. Somewhat challengingly.

'Oh, you know, nothing in particular,' I shrug. This is factually correct. It is a comprehensively appalling jacket; no particular aspect of its extensive dreadfulness stands out as especially distressing.

'What… is wrong… with it,' Margret replies, filling in the spaces with facial expressions.

'Um, well, it's shapeless.'

'No, it isn't.'

'OK, then, it's cylinder-shaped. Which is not a good shape. For a jacket.'

'I like the shape.'

'Fair enough. Right, I'm going…'

'What else?'

'Did I say there was…'

'What else?'

'The material is unpleasant.'

'No it's not.'

'And the pattern is awful.'

'The pattern's nice.'

'And it doesn't appear to fit properly — look at the arms.'

'That's how it's supposed to fit.'

'Fair enough, then.'

'I like it. I'm going to wear it always.''

'OK.'

She places it back on the hanger, lets me know I'm a fool and we go on about our business.

The next day Margret's friend calls round to drop something off quickly. She drops it off (quickly), they (quickly) talk for four and a half hours, and then she has to dash. Coincidentally, I'm coming down the stairs when Margret is seeing her out. As Margret is by the door she says to her, 'Oh, look, I bought a new jacket. What do you think?'

'Well,' the friend replies, 'if you like it…'

Margret returns the jacket to the shop, immediately.

Immediately.