Vessel

Sagittarius I Mission ^{DAY 859 SOMEWHERE IN ERB PRIME}

“No, I’m just saying that initially NASA was determined to only send committed couples on these long missions together.” Tom leaned against the tiny galley counter, unsteady on his feet while Catherine tried to wrestle open another bottle of wine. It was New Year’s Eve on Earth, and the crew was celebrating, here in the middle of nowhere.

There wasn’t a huge store of alcohol on board, but there was enough for a few decent parties during the mission, at the commander’s discretion, of course.

Plus, as Izzy said, monitoring how alcohol affected their behavior, both in the wormhole and planetside, could prove scientifically interesting. And since the whole point of this mission was to maybe find somewhere for humanity to settle, they’d have to spend some time living as normally as possible to gather the information.

“Yeah, but committed couples never would have worked,” Catherine countered, scowling at the recalcitrant wine bottle. “They’d never find a couple who could both pass the training, for one thing.” And she should know. David had been as likely a candidate as anyone, but there he was, sitting at home while she was out here, over two years of travel away.

“See, then the answer is clear,” Tom said, swaying around to point at her. “They gotta encourage matchmaking during the training, between the candidates who don’t wash out.” He grinned. “Come on, how much easier would this trip be if you had a partner with you?”

Catherine snorted, uncorking the bottle. “For me? It wouldn’t. It would be easier for you, and for Izzy, and Richie… but for me and Ava and Claire? Nope.”

“Why not?”

“Proven fact, in heterosexual relationships, a man’s happiness improves, a woman’s happiness stays the same or declines. I’d just have somebody else to look after.”

“Cynical.”

“Married,” she shot back.

“Look, just because your marriage isn’t great doesn’t mean that all men are like that.”

Catherine paused midway through filling her plastic wineglass. “Hang on, I didn’t say my marriage wasn’t great.”

Maybe it wasn’t perfect, and admittedly, there was a sense of freedom in being away from David, as much as she loved him. Sometimes she wished he were here—and he might have been, if the washout rate among prospective astronauts weren’t so high. They’d met in the training program but after they got married, David washed out. At first, he insisted he was happy for her, happy that at least one of them was going into space. As time went on, though, she got glimpses of his resentment. She started censoring herself, trying to protect his feelings. It was nice, not having to be concerned about anyone’s emotional well-being but her own on a day-to-day basis.

“Oh, come on.” Tom took the bottle away from her and finished filling their glasses. “You don’t agree to take off for six years with limited communication if you’re completely happy at home.”

“There are lots of married astronauts—”

“There are,” Tom agreed. “More married than single, I think… and look how many of them aren’t on this mission.”

“So you’re saying that because Ava and I are out here, we were miserable at home?” Catherine folded her arms and leaned against the counter.

“Cath… be real. David? Buttoned-down, wears a belt and suspenders David?” Something in Tom’s voice caught her attention, and she looked up just in time to find him standing too close. “You jumped at this mission because you were bored out of your mind back home.”

“That’s not true.” Catherine didn’t meet his eyes, though. It wasn’t boredom. It wasn’t that simple. How could she explain that sometimes she felt trapped? They’d had Aimee within two years of getting married, wanting to give her a chance to grow up with both parents before one of them had to leave on a long mission. And then David washed out when Aimee was still a baby, and Catherine constantly felt pulled between pursuing her career and trying to make sure David didn’t feel bad about it.

Tom slid his hand over her arm. “I’m not asking you to take care of me, Cath,” he said. “Let me take care of you. Let someone do that for a change.”

Maybe it was the wine, but it was tempting. She liked Tom well enough. They’d been instant friends the moment they’d met in training. And she couldn’t deny that there’d always been a flirty little spark between them. She didn’t need anyone to take care of her, but having someone offer was… nice.

When he slipped a hand behind her head and pulled her in for a kiss, she didn’t stop him. His mouth was sweet against hers, and after being away from home for over two years, touching someone like this felt so good. Catherine put her wineglass down and returned the kiss for a moment or two.

No, no, no. This is a mistake. It was against regulations, and it was a complication that neither of them needed, and besides, she loved David. She pushed a hand against Tom’s chest, separating them.

“Tom. We’re drunk, and I’m married. This is a bad idea.”

“But—”

“Trust me, tomorrow you’d regret the whole thing.”

“I wouldn’t.” Tom kissed her again, more feverishly this time. “I swear I wouldn’t. I’ve wanted you for ages.” He caught her face between his hands. “I know there can’t be any emotion here. I get it. It’s fine. I just…”

It was a mistake to still be standing there, but his eyes were so soft, and for all her cynicism, she missed having someone. Even the wrong someone. This time when he lowered his mouth to hers, her hand against his chest softened, and stopped pushing him away.

“Come on.” He took her hand and led her from the galley. “We can’t make out in the kitchen like teenagers.”

Their individual quarters were tiny, and the idea of sharing a bunk for any length of time was laughable, but by the time they’d spent several minutes kissing up against the closed hatch of Tom’s quarters, the bunk wasn’t looking so laughable after all.

She wasn’t laughing when she woke up in that bunk a little while later. She checked the chronometer set in the wall and saw that it was still the middle of the ship’s night cycle. She and Tom were crammed together in his narrow bunk, and his arms were still around her.

What the hell did I just do?

Guilt settled on Catherine like a weighted blanket, pinning her in place. It wasn’t just that she’d cheated on David—although God, wasn’t that enough?—but that it was the first time in her career she’d not just broken but shattered a regulation. Maybe it wouldn’t jeopardize the mission, but it sure as hell would jeopardize her career, and probably Tom’s.

She needed to get up, get back to her quarters, and try to pretend this never happened. Then hope to God that Tom did the same thing.

As she sat up and reached for her clothes, Tom stirred behind her and reached for her. “Where’re you going?” he mumbled.

“I can’t spend the night here; we’ll get busted.” Catherine started pulling her clothes on.

“Good point.” Tom sounded more awake, and sat up behind her. He leaned in and started kissing her shoulder. “Too bad, though. Sure you don’t want to stay a little longer?”

Catherine paused, halfway through pulling her socks on. She sighed and straightened, turning to look at him. “Tom. We can’t do this again.”

“Sure we can. We’ll be careful. Besides, I don’t think anybody would care, really.” He tried to kiss her again and she leaned back.

“I can’t do this again. I’m sorry. This was a bad idea.” She stood up and finished pulling her clothes on.

“Cath, come on. Didn’t you have a good time?”

“That doesn’t matter—”

“It matters to me!”

“Shh.” The last thing they needed was for Tom to wake someone up. “Tom, don’t make this a thing. We were drunk and we made a mistake, okay?”

“ ‘Don’t make this a thing’? We’ve been dancing around this since training!” Tom stood as well, and in the small quarters they were in each other’s face.

“No, you were the only one dancing, Tom.” Catherine ducked out through the hatch, a sense of dread and shame tightening her chest and sitting like a rock in her belly. The feeling only intensified as she crept back to her quarters.

The six of them were stuck together for the next few years. Catherine hoped she hadn’t just signed them all up for a nightmare.