The Old Heap by Alvin S. Fick

August 8,1975

Acme Parking Plaza

2135 Congress St.

Akron, O.


To whom it may concern:

This afternoon when I picked up my car at your parking garage I discovered that all four hubcaps were missing. Obviously they were stolen during the day, because I’m sure all of them were on the car when I left it on C level, the one you reach from the Orville Avenue ramp.

I spoke to one of the attendants about this, but all he did was shrug his shoulders and say probably the hubcaps fell off on the way in this morning and I didn’t notice. Impossible — not all four, anyway. He said the office was closed and wouldn’t even give me his name, so I am writing this letter expecting a reply which will enable me to get an adjustment on this.

Yours truly,

Dennis Daggett

14 Pepper Lane

Chatham, O.

August 12, 1975

Mr. Dennis Daggett

14 Pepper Lane

Chatham, O.


Dear Mr. Daggett:

Your letter of August 8 has been brought to my attention. On behalf of Acme Parking Plaza, I express sincere regret for the loss of hubcaps from your car which occurred, you say, while your vehicle was parked at our facility. In view of the activity in the garage section of our Plaza, I find it difficult to believe this could have happened on C level, or anywhere else on our premises, to be quite candid. We employ an ample staff of trained, dependable and reputable attendants who constantly monitor all areas.

We trust you will have no problem in obtaining reimbursement from your insurance carrier under the terms of your comprehensive coverage.

Again, sorry you incurred a loss.

Cordially,

Elroy R. Kent

Customer Relations

Acme Parking Plaza

August 15,1975

Mr. Elroy R. Kent

Customer Relations

Acme Parking Plaza

2135 Congress St.

Akron, O.


Dear Mr. Kent:

I have your letter, and I don’t like your Doubting Thomas attitude. I have been parking at Acme Plaza for three years, and I don’t like the way you imply I am lying about this matter.

I only use my car going back and forth to work. It never sits on the street. It is parked in my garage — locked, by the way — when I am home. I have always used your indoor parking area instead of the big outdoor lot on the Congress St. side. I do this because I take great pride in the way I take care of my car. I have never left it outdoors in the weather. Don’t talk to me about comprehensive insurance. The money that would cost I have been putting into the cash register of Acme Parking Plaza, just so I wouldn’t need comprehensive. Why do you think I paid your outrageous indoor fee if not to protect my property?

I am checking on the cost of replacement hubcaps. I will be sending you the bill.

Yours truly,

Dennis Daggett

14 Pepper Lane

Chatham, O.

August 19,1975

Mr. Dennis Daggett

14 Pepper Lane

Chatham, O.


Dear Mr. Daggett:

In view of the low cost of comprehensive insurance, it seems a little foolish of you not to have it. But that is your business, shortsighted though it may be. It would be pointless for you to send us a bill for your replacement hubcaps, which I doubt you will be able to obtain anyway in view of the age of your car. I spoke to the C level attendant to whom you complained on August 8. He tells me you drive a 1949 Kaiser.

Really, Mr. Daggett, you can’t hope to find hubcaps for that!

Cordially,

Elroy R. Kent

for Acme Parking Plaza

August 20, 1975


Mr. Kent:

You are damned right that it is my business whether or not I carry comprehensive insurance, and it certainly is none of your business to call me foolish because I don’t. And just what the hell do you mean, “It would be pointless for you to send us a bill”?

You have a responsibility in this matter, and I aim to see that you fulfill it.

The tone of your letter of August 19 makes me madder than spit. Who in blazes are you to call me shortsighted? How many shortsighted people do you know who have nursed along, loved and cared for a single automobile for twenty-five years? Let me assure you I can and will find hubcaps. They will cost you a pretty penny, because I am going to charge you for the time I spend searching, and when I find them I expect they may be dented and rusty. Repair, including re-chroming, will be part of the bill.

On August 19 I stopped in at your office to discuss this matter in person, but your secretary said you were out, and she said she didn’t know when you would be back. Bull! Or were you too busy writing that goddamned letter dated the 19th to see me? There’s no need for me to ask why I got the same answer from her every time I tried to reach you by phone.

I expect an immediate reply by return mail that you will honor the bill for my new hubcaps. Don’t phone about this. I want it in writing. I don’t trust you.

Dennis Daggett

P.S. Needless to say, I have found another place to park my car.

August 22, 1975

Mr. Dennis Daggett

14 Pepper Lane

Chatham, O.


Dear Mr. Daggett:

It pains me that I find it necessary to warn you about the intemperate language you are using in your letters. I understand perfectly well the circumstances surrounding the loss of hubcaps from your old car.

It strikes me that, for a person who parked in our facility for three years, you were remarkably unobservant, even singularly inattentive to the prominently posted stipulations regarding vehicles left on our premises. There was not a day you parked at Acme when we at Acme Parking Plaza carried a single iota of responsibility for your vehicle or, for that matter, your person.

It’s as simple as that. We have no responsibility. Period.

Cordially,

Elroy R. Kent

for Acme Parking Plaza

P.S. If your vision is so bad you couldn’t see the three-by-four-foot signs stating in letters two inches high THE MANAGEMENT IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LOSS OR DAMAGE FROM ANY CAUSE TO VEHICLES, CONTENTS, DRIVERS OR PASSENGERS — well, in that case you shouldn’t even be on the road with your old heap.

August 25, 1975


Kent:

There is only one way you can avoid a lawsuit. I stated in my letter of August 20 that I do not trust you. Double that. Prove to me that you and the rest of your crew at Acme are not a bunch of crooks and I may even forgive your insult to my fine old Kaiser. I’ll have you know it is a choice and carefully preserved part of automobile Americana. I can accept anything in the way of insults, but you went too far when you called my Kaiser an old heap.

If you wish to prove your point, take down one of those “prominent” signs next Tuesday and bring it to Rose’s Cafe across from your Congress St. entrance. Be there at 6:15 P.M. Don’t make me wait, because I have lost my patience. If this keeps you from your 9-to-5 routine, count it as small cost to get me to drop this affair without other courses of action.

I don’t recall seeing the signs you mention. You better not bring a freshly painted, trumped-up version, and you know damned well I’d never set foot on Acme property to see one.

Don’t forget: September 2 at 6:15 sharp.

Dennis Daggett

P.S. Confirm our appointment in writing, and don’t be late.

August 28,1973

Mr. Dennis Daggett

14 Pepper Lane

Chatham, O.


Dear Mr. Daggett:

Your request of August 25 is ridiculous, but I am going to humor you just so I can see the silly look on your face when you read the sign. I will bring one from the open parking lot rather than one from the inside area. That way you will be able to see the weathering for yourself.

I say I will show up to humor you. Closer to the truth is my desire to get a look at the priceless pile of old tin and rust you call auto Americana.

Aside from the fact I will be carrying a big sign, you will have no problem identifying me. I will be the one who is laughing — probably uncontrollably after seeing the Kaiser at the curb.

See you on the 2nd, Dennis.

Cordially,

Elroy R. Kent

for Acme Parking Plaza

September 17,1975

Mr. Dennis Daggett

14 Pepper Lane

Chatham, O.


Dear Mr. Daggett:

Just this morning I reviewed for the first time the correspondence of Elroy R. Kent. I note that you and he exchanged letters during the month of August. Obviously, there was a strong disagreement between you and Acme Parking Plaza regarding the loss of hubcaps from your car while it was parked on C level of our garage.

To the regrets expressed by Mr. Kent I wish to add my own. Further than that, I think it might be in order for me to apologize on behalf of Mr. Kent for his failure to keep the appointment he had with you on September 2. I do not know if you read the Akron papers, since you are a resident of Chatham, but Mr. Kent met with a tragic accident which kept him from meeting you. As you already know, he was planning to bring with him one of the signs from the parking area — a rather unusual agreement on his part, but perhaps in keeping with the strange nature of the correspondence the two of you conducted.

As he was crossing the street, Mr. Kent was struck by a hit-and-run car. I add with personal sorrow that he died on the way to the hospital without regaining consciousness.

The police have theorized that the sign obscured Mr. Kent’s vision, and that he stepped in front of the car which hit him. However, there is so little traffic on Congress St. at that hour I cannot understand how the driver missed seeing Mr. Kent. How could he have missed seeing a man carrying a three-by-four-foot sign? I devoutly hope the police find him.

No one in the cafe saw the accident, and apparently no pedestrians or other drivers witnessed it. As I said above, the street is not very busy at 6:15 of a summer evening.

Perhaps you wondered why Mr. Kent failed to keep the appointment. The police interviewed everyone in the cafe, and took names. Since you were not on that list, I can only assume you were late for the meeting in spite of your insistence on Mr. Kent’s punctuality.

My primary reason for writing this letter is to settle the disagreement which culminated in Mr. Kent’s untimely death. I must apologize for the manner in which your loss was handled. I cannot say for sure until I read some of his old files, but I do not believe it was customary for Mr. Kent to be quite so caustic. I’m sure you understand, however, that he had to be firm in his capacity as arbiter in customer problems.

Mr. Daggett, Acme Parking Plaza wishes to make full financial restitution for your loss. We will do so, although I am obliged to reiterate that Mr. Kent was accurate in his assessment that we are devoid of responsibility. Please stop in to see me with your bill, and I will personally hand you a check to cover it.

Sincerely yours,

Robert Winsett

Vice President

Acme Parking Plaza

September 19,1975

Mr. Robert Winsett

Acme Parking Plaza

2135 Congress St.

Akron, O.


Dear Mr. Winsett:

Isn’t that a shame about Mr. Kent!

Thanks for the offer to buy my hubcaps, but that won’t be necessary. I had a little accident with my Kaiser several days ago, and you know how hard it is to get parts for an old heap like that — especially such things as grills, lamps and so on.

I figured the best thing to do was get rid of it, so I drove it to an auto junkyard. They would only give me $20!

A couple of days ago I stopped to see if I could check the glove compartment for a pen I think I missed when I emptied the car. One of the guys in the yard said they had put my car through the crusher and shipped it out for scrap the day before.

I suppose it’s on the way to Japan already.

Yours truly,

Dennis Daggett

14 Pepper Lane

Chatham, O.

P.S. Seeing you are in the automobile business in a manner of speaking, I sure would appreciate your dropping me a line if you ever learn of anyone with a 1956 Hudson Hornet for sale — in nice shape, that is.

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