Mrs Pargeter 01; A Nice Class of Corpse

∨ A Nice Class of Corpse ∧

14

Mrs Pargeter folded her plump hands on her lap.

“So…you are going to call the police?”

“Yes.” On the face of someone less genteel, Miss Naismith’s expression would have been described as a leer. “Can you tell me any reason why we shouldn’t?”

“No. None at all. I’m sure, in the event of a robbery in a hotel like this, the police should definitely be informed.”

“Good. I’m glad you agree.” Miss Naismith nodded to Mr Holland, who reached towards the telephone on her desk.

“On the other hand,” Mrs Pargeter continued without raising her voice, “I think you would be very ill-advised to make the same accusation to the police as you have to me.”

Mr Holland’s hand stopped in mid-air.

“Oh. And why do you think that?” asked Miss Naismith, as usual accentuating the ‘h’ in ‘why’.

“I think it because I did not take the jewels. I don’t deny going into Mrs Selsby’s room last night. I don’t deny taking the jewels out of the bureau and looking at them. But I then put them back.”

“Well, of course you’d say that.”

“Anyway, why should you behave in the bizarre manner you describe?” asked Mr Holland, modelling himself on some severe barrister from a television court-room drama.

“That, for the moment, is my business.”

“If you aren’t prepared to explain yourself, Miss Naismith and I can hardly be blamed for placing the construction that we have on your actions. I’m afraid I do feel obliged to call the police.”

Once again his hand reached for the telephone, but once again it was frozen by Mrs Pargeter’s soft voice.

“I think you need rather more evidence for your accusation. If I did take the jewels, where do you think they are now?”

“Well, I hadn’t really considered…”

“No. According to your theory, I stole the jewels at two-thirty this morning. Now the security in this hotel is good. The burglar alarm system works with pressure pads by the doors and windows of the front of the building and contact breakers on the doors at the back.”

“How do you know that?” asked Miss Naismith, surprised.

“I make a habit of being observant,” Mrs Pargeter replied evenly. She did not say that the habit of observing security systems was another of the useful things she had learnt from the late Mr Pargeter.

“I’m not quite clear where this is getting us,” said Mr Holland in a tone of professional impatience,

“What I am saying is that it would have been impossible for me to get out of the hotel quietly until after Newth had switched off the burglar alarm this morning. And since that time, as any of the residents can confirm, I have not left the premises.”

“So?”

Mrs Pargeter sighed with exasperation. The solicitor really was being very obtuse. “So, since I haven’t left the premises, if I stole the jewels, they can’t have left the premises either.”

“Well…”

“Unless, of course, I had an accomplice…Yes, perhaps I took Newth into my confidence. He after all has the keys to the alarm system – not to mention a pass key to Mrs Selsby’s room.”

Miss Naismith coloured. “How dare you, Mrs Pargeter? I will not have such imputations made about one of my staff.”

“You seemed quite happy to make such imputations about one of your guests,” Mrs Pargeter observed mildly.

“So what you are saying…?” asked Mr Holland.

Really he wasn’t very intelligent. Still, Mrs Pargeter reflected, you didn’t have to be very intelligent to be a solicitor. Just somehow scrape through a few exams in your twenties and then the British legal system saw to it that you had a meal ticket for life.

“What I am saying,” she explained patiently, “is that, if you really believe I stole the jewels, all you have to do is to search my room, or – crediting me with a little subtlety – search the rest of the hotel, and you will find evidence to convict me, won’t you?”

“Ye-es.” Mr Holland sounded uncertain.

“Such a search,” said Miss Naismith with distaste, “would be very upsetting to the other residents.”

At this Mrs Pargeter finally lost her temper. Without forfeiting her considerable dignity, she snapped, “Listen, if you’re prepared to upset me so easily, I don’t give a damn about your upsetting the other residents! You have to face the fact, Miss Naismith, that, repellent though it may be to your sensibilities, a robbery has taken place in the Devereux. And the circumstances of that robbery mean it was committed either by one of the residents or by one of the staff. Now it would be extremely convenient if I had committed it, because you could then quietly ask me to leave, and sweep the whole matter under the carpet.

“Unfortunately for you, I didn’t do it, so you are faced with the unpleasant prospect of starting an enquiry into the activities of the other people who live in this hotel.”

“Ah, you say you didn’t do it…”

“Yes, and, as I mentioned before, a search of the premises will prove I didn’t do it. And, if you once again make the accusation that I did do it, let me assure you I will get in touch with my solicitor and see to it that you pay me very substantial damages.”

At last Mr Holland felt they were on to a subject he knew something about. “Might I ask,” he enquired superciliously, “who your solicitor is?”

“I deal with the Justiman Partnership.”

“Oh.” He was impressed. “Might I ask who in particular you deal with there?”

“I have always had my affairs handled by Arnold Justiman.”

This was another of her fortunate legacies from the late Mr Pargeter. Her husband had been a constant employer of Arnold Justiman, one of the most eminent of his profession, and Mrs Pargeter often reflected that she owed much of her conjugal happiness to Arnold Justiman. Without his good offices, Mr Pargeter’s occasional necessary absences from the marital home would have been much longer.

“Oh. Arnold Justiman himself.” Mr Holland was now very impressed. He sat back in his chair with hands folded on his lap, as if to dismiss any idea that they might ever have contemplated reaching for a telephone. “I think, Miss Naismith, we would be very ill-advised to pursue this line of enquiry.”

“What?” asked Mrs Pargeter with a hint of mockery. “You don’t want to find out who stole the jewels?”

“Well, yes, we do. Of course we do. And in the fullness of time, in consultation with the proper authorities, I am sure that we will. I was merely suggesting that we should not be too precipitate in our actions. Wouldn’t you agree, Miss Naismith?”

“Yes, yes, I would.”

The proprietress looked as if she had just swallowed something singularly disgusting and was faced with more unpalatable mouthfuls ahead. Mrs Pargeter’s openness and ready suggestion of a search had convinced her accuser that the blame for the theft lay elsewhere. That raised the unpleasant prospect of investigating the other residents of the Devereux.

And also Miss Naismith had the uncomfortable knowledge that she had overplayed her hand and allowed her antipathy to Mrs Pargeter to become too nakedly apparent.

“Well, don’t let me keep you any longer.” Mrs Pargeter rose from her chair. “On the strict understanding that the matter is never raised again, I am quite happy to forget what has been said here this morning.” She smiled sweetly at her accusers. “And do let me know if there is anything I can do to help you in your investigations into this unfortunate incident.”

She moved to the door, but stopped before she opened it.

“Oh, one thing, Miss Naismith…I wonder, would it be possible for me to hand my jewellery to you to be kept in the hotel safe…? It would be most regrettable if there were another lapse of security at the Devereux, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes. Yes, of course that would be possible,” Miss Naismith replied, tight-lipped.

“Might I have a look at the safe?” asked Mrs Pargeter charmingly. “Unless it’s of a reputable manufacture, I might decide I’d be better advised to put my valuables in the bank.”

Wordlessly, Miss Naismith moved an embroidered fire-screen to reveal a square grey metal box, on which a silver plate bore the legend, ‘Clissold & Fry – Excalibur Two’.

“Oh, yes, that will be quite adequate. If I may, I’ll bring my jewellery down as soon as possible. If that’s convenient…?”

“Of course. Any time,” said Miss Naismith with a ghastly smile, as Mrs Pargeter moved gracefully out of the Office.